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That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family
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Anonymous
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***What is it with control-freak people and their secret recipes???!!!*** I love to cook, I share recipes with whoever asks. I really don't care whether anyone replicates my dishes. The more the merrier! I don't need "personal credit" for the food I cook. It's food, for goodness' sake! What sort of person has no achievements in life such that they would control access to a recipe?! |
Anonymous
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I recently told Dh that he was not my blood relative and he seemed to be hurt by this comment. All I was saying was that we are not related by blood. We share 3 kids and obviously a family.
She doesn’t see OP as family. My MIL doesn’t treat me the same as her sons or her grandchildren. I barely exist. I honestly am not hurt in the least. I may feel similarly one day. |
Anonymous
+1 I commented upthread to that I would be hurt. Came back to see if you are feeling better this morning. |
Anonymous
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1. Recognize she is wacko and deal with that.
2. Ask the niece for the recipe. |
Anonymous
I only feel sorry that she was so shortsighted. But yes this. The recipe is probably far from a family secret and now she's blown up a relationship that could have been a premier relationship in her life. I hope I am never that blind. |
Anonymous
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I am so sorry that she didn't give you the recipe and said that to you as the reason. She is wrong - you ARE family. You married her son - of course, you are family. She did a very hurtful thing and in your position I would have felt exactly as you do. My heart hurts for you.
After licking my wounds and taking some time to think about it, I think I'd still attend the "normal" family events, such as birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. though, because you ARE family. I'd be polite to her but not interact or engage with her individually, and have a good time with everyone else. I think that too many other people in your family would be constantly upset and hurt, for the rest of your life, if you didn't participate in the family events. They all love you and like to be with you. It would do no good for them, your family, if you didn't go and participate in your usual, positive manner. It would not be worth it to me to have everyone in my family - including me - upset forever because I wasn't there. But I would not "do lunch" or go shopping, or any individual extra things you used to do with her. I'd just respond with "I can't. I have other obligations," with no more explanation that that. If she wants to know why you aren't spending time with her as you used to, she'll ask, and at that point, you can decided whether to tell her the truth or not. You might decided not to tell her now, while you are hurting so much, as I would be, but maybe reserve it for a future conversation when you are ready. Hugs, OP... |
Anonymous
+1 I tend to click on these sorts of threads because I'm a "second tier" DIL. Usually, there are several posters that that defend the MIL (or whoever is the unwelcoming family member) and say the DIL is overreacting. Whenever I see these posts I picture my MIL or SILs typing them and it totally fits their attitude that I am just meant to understand my place in their world since they came first. I think it does come down to whether what happened is one example of a larger reality (in my case, it is) or a one-off. Time eventually answers this question but that doesn't mean you can't make your choices about what to subject yourself to as you go along. I think most DILs would prefer to have a pleasant or close relationship with the ILs but sometimes the price is too high. it is hard to show up if you are the one being treated as a second class citizen. They could have decided that family in general is more important than enforcing the pecking order but they didn't. From my point of view, they made their choices and I made mine so we're not close, and they see their grandkids less than they would if they had chosen a different path. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| I’m sorry, OP. I thought my MIL and I were close until about 6 years into my marriage. Then she said and did some things that showed that she actually isn’t a very nice person. It’s taken me awhile to mourn the relationship that I thought I had and that I had expected to continue moving forward. Give yourself that space to grieve the relationship, and then really do try to find a way to move on. It’s so much more exhausting to hold a grudge than it is to just accept that this is how things are. Ask me how I know. |
Anonymous
| It's probably from the back of a can of pumpkin pie filling and she doesn't want anyone to know. lol! Girl, let it go. Also don't try too hard with her. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. |
Anonymous
Libby's can recipe is the best. Add some autumn leaf pastry cutouts on top and it will be a favorite in your (you, DH, your kids) family. |
Anonymous
| That was wrong of your MIL and she would probably very much regret it if she knew how hurt it made you and that you plan to cut her off now. In my experience (age 58) it’s always better to communicate your feelings rather than let them fester, unbeknownst to the MIL in this case, and then it turns into lifelong ruined relationships. In short, have lunch with her and let her know how much she hurt your feelings. Even if she doesn’t apologize at least she’ll know why you’ve pulled back. |
Anonymous
| How old are you? |
Anonymous
| My husband's family get togethers seat blood relatives together and in-laws at separate tables when there is assigned seating. My joke about MIL was that I was just a grand child delivery device but she expects me to be open and loving to her, but have the discretion to point out when I am and am not counted as family. It is exhausting and over decades turned into me just being super polite but distant with her which she complained about. It is particularly hurtful as she's viewed by people in the extended family and their town as the kindest most caring person always looking out for others so i've always felt kind of crazy about how she treated me |
Anonymous
| Some people are just funny about recipes.. I don't think you should take it so seriously if everything else about the reliationship is fine. |