That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel I should clear up some confusion. My DH and I have an excellent marriage and I always had a great or at least I thought relationship with my mil.

I am learning that based on MIL's words I am not family only blood family matters therefore since I don't qualify as family I am forever off the hook for family functions. DH is free to go see and talk to his mother as he pleases as I would never try to interfere with that. If he chooses on his own to cut bad due to her unkind words to his wife he's a big boy that's his own decision.

Since blood is so important with her and I'm not family her words. I will give her all the time in the world to be with her "real" family her blood family. I will focus on my "real" blood family during those visits. If she asks DH where I am well mom you told my wife she isn't family and that only blood counts so she is giving you that time with your blood family and she is spending time with her blood family. Surely you can't expect her to put you ahead of her blood since according to you blood is more important?

Cards, gifts, reaching out, shopping trips, phone call and texts will now all be DHs responsibility.

It's not being petty or playing games it's simply listening to MIL's words and proceeding with the relationship accordingly. Focusing my energy on people who don't speak unkind to me and really value me and my feelings as a human.

They always were, dum-dum! Why did you pick up that rope? I don’t send MIL gifts, she’s not my mom. My husband has a calendar and a credit, like a big boy! Wow!

You sound like lots of people probably hate you.

You sound like a woman with internalized misogyny who hates herself.

The “dum-dum” poster is an idiot. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was rude, she was wrong, I understand why you are upset.

Also, if she's been a good MIL and you have had a good relationship up until now, for five years, do you really think all that should be out the window because of pie?

You might make a mistake one day, think about that.

NP, I agree with this. You have a long-standing (good) relationship with her, so say something to her—don’t do a weird slow fade or other passive aggressive nonsense suggested on this thread.

Ugh I hate when this forum tells people to avoid TALKING to your friends and family when you have a problem and instead just cut them out. It’s so weird. Do you all really act like this in the real world? Someone you like/love hurts your feelings and that’s it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

This post is not dramatic. The OP calmly states what happened and the describes her feelings.

OP is anything but calm.

Yeah I was definitely with OP after the first post but every one after that is…pushing things farther and farther.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's family get togethers seat blood relatives together and in-laws at separate tables when there is assigned seating. My joke about MIL was that I was just a grand child delivery device but she expects me to be open and loving to her, but have the discretion to point out when I am and am not counted as family. It is exhausting and over decades turned into me just being super polite but distant with her which she complained about. It is particularly hurtful as she's viewed by people in the extended family and their town as the kindest most caring person always looking out for others so i've always felt kind of crazy about how she treated me

I am completely fascinate that any adults put up with this.

I’m so confused how that would even work. She would sit at the dinning room table with her sons and daughter and her husband. Then the sons wives and the daughter’s boyfriend would sit together at a different table???

This sounds so crazy. And her adult children accepted this???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a b, now you know. No more texting, no more shopping or get togethers alone. At family events be polite & cordial, just like you would treat any of his distant relatives.
Don’t feel bad, it’s not you or anything you did wrong. She would like you to be an acquaintance, so be it.

.

Oh trust me I definitely agree. Moving forward I am only going to see her at family events with other people. I will not call/text individually or hangout alone with her. It isn't about the recipe at all it's about how she very clearly views me and that's not family.

I view it like any other relationship where you clearly view the relationship in a much closer way than the other person does. It just really stings because I viewed this particular person as a close family member. Someone who was important and close to me. Guess that's over now.

Wow! This is someone you felt close to, she said something to hurt your feelings and like a grownup you can’t say, wow, that was hurtful, I thought I was family’.
Instead you just cut her off?

[Anonymous]

Well if OP actually considered MIL as family she wouldn’t be so quick to cut her off. If OPs mom hurt her feeling would she just stop interacting with her? Highly doubtful.

Very telling that you could cut off your “family” so abruptly. Hmmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel I should clear up some confusion. My DH and I have an excellent marriage and I always had a great or at least I thought relationship with my mil.

I am learning that based on MIL's words I am not family only blood family matters therefore since I don't qualify as family I am forever off the hook for family functions. DH is free to go see and talk to his mother as he pleases as I would never try to interfere with that. If he chooses on his own to cut bad due to her unkind words to his wife he's a big boy that's his own decision.

Since blood is so important with her and I'm not family her words. I will give her all the time in the world to be with her "real" family her blood family. I will focus on my "real" blood family during those visits. If she asks DH where I am well mom you told my wife she isn't family and that only blood counts so she is giving you that time with your blood family and she is spending time with her blood family. Surely you can't expect her to put you ahead of her blood since according to you blood is more important?

Cards, gifts, reaching out, shopping trips, phone call and texts will now all be DHs responsibility.

It's not being petty or playing games it's simply listening to MIL's words and proceeding with the relationship accordingly. Focusing my energy on people who don't speak unkind to me and really value me and my feelings as a human.

They always were, dum-dum! Why did you pick up that rope? I don’t send MIL gifts, she’s not my mom. My husband has a calendar and a credit, like a big boy! Wow!

You sound like lots of people probably hate you.

You sound like a woman with internalized misogyny who hates herself.

DP. You’re projecting. Aren’t you the PP who called OP a dum dum?

[Anonymous]

Everyone in this story is extremely extra. First the MIL for treating a pie recipe like it's some kind of state secrets. The OP for going into full-on martyr mode because MIL was a dumb*ss about the pie. Seems like both of you are willing to destroy what was previously a warm and loving relationship over a PIE RECIPE. Do you realize how dumb that sounds? Both of you are making WAY too big a deal over this. Including you, OP. Just because MIL is being weird and silly about the pie doesn't mean it's symbolic of your whole damn relationship. I understand you are feeling hurt, but good lord. In the words of Elsa, let it gooooooooo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone in this story is extremely extra. First the MIL for treating a pie recipe like it's some kind of state secrets. The OP for going into full-on martyr mode because MIL was a dumb*ss about the pie. Seems like both of you are willing to destroy what was previously a warm and loving relationship over a PIE RECIPE. Do you realize how dumb that sounds? Both of you are making WAY too big a deal over this. Including you, OP. Just because MIL is being weird and silly about the pie doesn't mean it's symbolic of your whole damn relationship. I understand you are feeling hurt, but good lord. In the words of Elsa, let it gooooooooo.

+ 100 but also, at least tell her how you feel. Communicate. “Anna, I want you to know how hurt I was by your pie comment. I thought we had a close relationship but you basically told me I am not family. Do you really feel that way?” And see what she says. Maybe she will apologize and it becomes something you forgive, even if you can’t forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL simply doesn't want you becoming the person that prepares that recipe for her son or other family events. It gives her a sense of purpose, makes her unique, and you are trying to take that away from her. How is this not obvious?

But I'm his wife why can't I prepare it for him? Besides other "blood" "real" relatives have it and they can just as easily cook it for others in the family.

Oh that's right I have to go back to my place in the corner as the "second tier" family member. And remember my place

Well I think it speaks volumes about my mil that she holds a damn recipe as higher than the feelings of an actual human being a family member. Which is why I will take the advice of other PPs and continue to attend large family gatherings but as far as one on one activities with mil or calling texting her individually no more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moment of non blood relative or outsider or totally rude self-centered in laws?

When we went to their home 3000 miles away and all the framed pictures, screensavers, and magnets were only of their sons with the grandkids. No wives or full family photos.

It literally looks like their sons are widowed or divorced with kids.

Yuck. How odd. Do people every come over to their house? If no wives were in any of the photos I too would some those sons were divorced.

Aren’t most parents proud their adult kids are married with a family? I actually wouldn’t assume she was a freak who only puts up photos without spouses.

I wouldn’t be surprised if my MIL only shows pictures of her sons and grandchildren.

When I think of my family, I also don’t include MIL or BIL. I don’t feel close to them like family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moment of non blood relative or outsider or totally rude self-centered in laws?

When we went to their home 3000 miles away and all the framed pictures, screensavers, and magnets were only of their sons with the grandkids. No wives or full family photos.

It literally looks like their sons are widowed or divorced with kids.

Yuck. How odd. Do people every come over to their house? If no wives were in any of the photos I too would some those sons were divorced.

Aren’t most parents proud their adult kids are married with a family? I actually wouldn’t assume she was a freak who only puts up photos without spouses.

I wouldn’t be surprised if my MIL only shows pictures of her sons and grandchildren.

When I think of my family, I also don’t include MIL or BIL. I don’t feel close to them like family.

Who helped your son produce those grandchildren though? So in other words you would view your DIL as just the incubator for your grandchild? If you have one I feel bad for your future dil.

Probably also the type of mil to give her son credit for doing the bare minimum, "oh you changed his diaper you're such a good dad" or only acknowledging his role as a dad without acknowledging or giving your DIL credit for her role as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL simply doesn't want you becoming the person that prepares that recipe for her son or other family events. It gives her a sense of purpose, makes her unique, and you are trying to take that away from her. How is this not obvious?

But I'm his wife why can't I prepare it for him? Besides other "blood" "real" relatives have it and they can just as easily cook it for others in the family.

Oh that's right I have to go back to my place in the corner as the "second tier" family member. And remember my place

Well I think it speaks volumes about my mil that she holds a damn recipe as higher than the feelings of an actual human being a family member. Which is why I will take the advice of other PPs and continue to attend large family gatherings but as far as one on one activities with mil or calling texting her individually no more.

You sound more and more unhinged every time you post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait a few years. Maybe she'll give it to her grandchild! Or have your DH ask for it. He's a blood relation.

Haha and if you are over this grudge then make it for her or if still sulking then post it on your social media and tag her for credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL simply doesn't want you becoming the person that prepares that recipe for her son or other family events. It gives her a sense of purpose, makes her unique, and you are trying to take that away from her. How is this not obvious?

But I'm his wife why can't I prepare it for him? Besides other "blood" "real" relatives have it and they can just as easily cook it for others in the family.

Oh that's right I have to go back to my place in the corner as the "second tier" family member. And remember my place

Well I think it speaks volumes about my mil that she holds a damn recipe as higher than the feelings of an actual human being a family member. Which is why I will take the advice of other PPs and continue to attend large family gatherings but as far as one on one activities with mil or calling texting her individually no more.

You sound more and more unhinged every time you post.

How do I sound unhinged when my mil is the one who won't share a recipe?

I'm just adjusting the relationship to match how she views me