DIL never participates, never joins in

[Anonymous]

"No." And "No thank you" are not grunts or utterances but full sentences. The DIL really didn't even need to add the info about the red wine, that was a courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

“Judgy”? Instead of only saying “ no thank you” — which probably would have been criticized as “cold”, she actually gave a reason, starting with the word “I”. “Judgy” would have been a whole lot more vociferous.
I don’t drink. If anything, the judgy part is when someone questions that or continues to press me to drink alcohol— when I’ve politely made my wishes clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"No." And "No thank you" are not grunts or utterances but full sentences. The DIL really didn't even need to add the info about the red wine, that was a courtesy.

This X10000

You need to work on not taking offense when someone declines your offers of whatever. Why on earth would you take offense at someone declining to have you carry their suitcase or help make dinner? My guess is it’s a ) you have untreated anxiety and need to feel needed b) you are one of those pouncers who hover over your adult children suffocating them on every visit or c) a narcissist who interprets their offers as grandiose gestures and a decline a mortal wound.

If you want to be closer to your DIL realize that you can’t demand it or snit your way into her affections. On some level you must know this doesn’t work. Try being a great guest and great host ..note you are not in your house not theirs.

1. Accept that everything is not about you.
2. If you offer help do what the hostess or guests asks. No thanks I’m good is a perfectly fine response. Go chat with your son or play with your grandkids.
3. Give your guests or host some space. Don’t demand or get pissy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

+1 I've had a few people over when I offer them a drink, they say, "No, thank you, I'm good with <whatever non alcoholic drink they are having>". Why would I take offense to that? Much later, I found out that the person was an alcoholic. They don't need to justify not having a drink with me or when I offer by saying they are alcoholics.

Sheesh, some folks are over the top and needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

"No thanks" is perfunctory and can be rude. Like ending a text with a period. (And no I am not a millennial or younger.)

"No thanks - ah, I so appreciate you making these, but I am heading toward a migraine," is designed to let the other person know that you see and appreciate - and that you aren't rejecting their overture just to be a pill. You could also just accept the glass and take a sip and toss out the rest, discreetly.

It doesn't do any harm to try to make people feel good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

"No thanks" is perfunctory and can be rude. Like ending a text with a period. (And no I am not a millennial or younger.)

"No thanks - ah, I so appreciate you making these, but I am heading toward a migraine," is designed to let the other person know that you see and appreciate - and that you aren't rejecting their overture just to be a pill. You could also just accept the glass and take a sip and toss out the rest, discreetly.

It doesn't do any harm to try to make people feel good.

She didn't say "No thanks" in a perfunctory, rude manner. She said "No thanks, I've already had a red wine." It's not rude; it's not being a pill. No amount explaining the groveling that you feel required to do for your family to keep them from screaming at you for no reason makes it rude.

Taking a glass of margarita that someone else could drink during MIL's wild party night and dumping it out "discreetly" actually is rude, but you seem crazy so I'm not surprised that you think it's the more polite option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

"No thanks" is perfunctory and can be rude. Like ending a text with a period. (And no I am not a millennial or younger.)

"No thanks - ah, I so appreciate you making these, but I am heading toward a migraine," is designed to let the other person know that you see and appreciate - and that you aren't rejecting their overture just to be a pill. You could also just accept the glass and take a sip and toss out the rest, discreetly.

It doesn't do any harm to try to make people feel good.

She didn't say "No thanks" in a perfunctory, rude manner. She said "No thanks, I've already had a red wine." It's not rude; it's not being a pill. No amount explaining the groveling that you feel required to do for your family to keep them from screaming at you for no reason makes it rude.

Taking a glass of margarita that someone else could drink during MIL's wild party night and dumping it out "discreetly" actually is rude, but you seem crazy so I'm not surprised that you think it's the more polite option.

Heh. I seem "crazy"? My friend - you need to get out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

How would the DIL know that the MIL made them specifically for the DIL because she liked them?

In any case, it's fine to say, "Thank you, but I'm good" in a non rude way. People say it all the time.

Why does anyone have to justify for declining something, and be overly profuse about their thanks. That's just over the top and tells me that some people need to have their ego stroked, or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

She made a batch of margaritas during a party at a beach house with "several families". It's bonkers to try to equate this to a personal gift for DIL, even if MIL is on here looking for validation for taking offense. She said herself that the drinks were flowing, people are drinking wine/beer/Scotch/now tequila - OP's DIL is not turning down a birthday present by sticking with her wine. She says she knows DIL likes margaritas, but who doesn't? That doesn't mean that 1) the margaritas were about DIL in the first instance, or 2) that DIL is required to drink them whenever and wherever they are on offer.

Some of you need intensive therapy for your main character syndrome. No thank you isn't rude, making a batch of drinks that you're going to drink yourself isn't a grand gesture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

dp.. I can't drink because I'm allergic to alcohol. It makes me vomit. I don't need to tell everyone who offers me a drink why I decline their offer of a drink. You are making someone declining your offer too personally. Some folks have private reasons why they decline something. Get over it. It's not all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

How would the DIL know that the MIL made them specifically for the DIL because she liked them?

In any case, it's fine to say, "Thank you, but I'm good" in a non rude way. People say it all the time.

Why does anyone have to justify for declining something, and be overly profuse about their thanks. That's just over the top and tells me that some people need to have their ego stroked, or something.

Yes, that is what OP needs. She is feeling rejected by her DIL - and the example she gave is that she mixed a pitcher of what she thinks is DIL's favorite drink, and DIL just turned it down without really giving a reason. (Plenty of people have wine and a cocktail, so saying that you've had one glass of wine isn't actually an explanation.)

Who does it hurt to try to make your MIL feel like you aren't rejecting her, even if you think people shouldn't need their egos stroked or their hurt feelings mollified? Why is it so terrible to say, "THANK you for doing this! I wish I could have one, they look great, but I just can't do it tonight."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

dp.. I can't drink because I'm allergic to alcohol. It makes me vomit. I don't need to tell everyone who offers me a drink why I decline their offer of a drink. You are making someone declining your offer too personally. Some folks have private reasons why they decline something. Get over it. It's not all about you.

Why are people on this thread so nuts? Who said it's about me even a little? In my 50 years of living I have learned that people often feel better when they have some explanation that doesn't leave them guessing why you are saying no to something. I guess your experience is different - imagine that!