Serious things you accept to stay marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD and a lack of grit.

I missed the lack of grit when we were dating and first married - but the signs may have been there.

He constantly needs affirmation, and will randomly comment on how someone gave him a compliment years ago. Nothing is his fault. The slightest obstacle defeats him.

I didn’t realize the grit thing, because he had a successful career, in a competitive field. Now that I’m 20 years older - I realize that as a white, middle-class boomer, working for the federal government, he just hasn’t had the same experience as I have had (non-white, woman, GenX, working in the private sector) even though I had the more privileged upbringing.

It’s come out in the last year or so as he’s retired from his government job and struggled to find a job that he likes.

The lack of a job wouldn’t bother me if he took more ownership of household tasks, but he’s finding that hard to do - likely because his executive functioning skills are awful.

I had a feeling about the ADHD, but it’s gotten worse as he ages and we had a kid. He’s refusing to get help, but acknowledges there’s a problem.

Right now I’m in the appeasement stage- but also setting boundaries for what I take on, and lowering my standards for things.

He puts up with a wife who is 20 lbs overweight with a low sex drive. He doesn’t realize a lot of that is because of stress, a lack of a consistent schedule, and feeling like a I’m a mom to a moody teen - rather than his partner.

Wow, I could have written so much of this. The lack of grit has been one of the greatest romantic killers between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has never told me I’m hot or sexy. On occasion he’ll say I like nice in something. It makes me feel so ugly. I’m not blowing my family up over it, but I’ve stopped trying.

Same. I’m an attractive woman but have really kicked it up a notch in the last several months after having my 3rd kid. New hair, working out, new clothes. I get a lot of compliments from friends and strangers. Radio silence from DH.

I suspect a lot of it is family of origin. My lovely MIL is very, very obese (then and now) and she and FIL (a very good looking man) divorced when DH was an infant. There were never comments about looks in his household growing up, he said. It was just not discussed.

I’ve also wondered if on some level his mother (and sister) resented more conventionally attractive women and he carries that with him subconsciously. Even though he’s very attractive, and I know that my looks were a factor in him being attracted to me.

I’m teaching my son how to pay sincere compliments. I’m also teaching him to unload the dishwasher without being asked haha. My future son or daughter in law will thank me.

This isn't something to be proud of. You've essentially turned your son into your husband and projected your issues with your husband on to him. He may load a dishwasher but he will have a ton of mommy issues to unpack.

You may also want to work on your internalized misogyny instead

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less sex than I would like, as a female. DH says I want it too much and need 4 men. I think he wants it too little!

Can you pls clarify how much sex WOULD you like? Curious which of you is the outlier.

Him, he is the outlier. He could easily go a couple of months without sex. And what was worse was that he would act like it was a chore. I don’t think this is typical for a man his age (early 40s). For me it depends on my cycle, sometimes I want it multiple times a day, sometimes I could go without for a couple of days. But I would be happy with a couple times per week.

I have a hourglass figure and take very good care of myself and wear sexy lingerie for him. Yesterday as we were about to do it he said “aww but I really like how we are just chatting right now.” Things are much better now but I know that he is having sex with me to make me happy. I don’t think he is gay or having an affair, he just has a lower drive.

Do you think he could be gay? This seems more than just low T or low libido

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a Nebraska football fan.

honey, I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Men have known for millennia that the gift of bearing, birthing and raising them children would cause a woman's body to become misshapen and often rounded and even rotund.

Funny, women in other countries have kids, but they’re not quite as fat on average as American women.

Apart from countries with famine, overweight and obesity is rising globally - other countries are behind America because they've adopted the global industrialized diet a bit later, but they are fast approaching our levels. We are ALL being poisoned by corporate food products.


But, apart from that - on the issue of women's bodies changing with pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding and raising kids while also trying to raise a man, women have always gotten softer and plumper with age in the majority of cases but young men don't notice because to be fair, older women are not women in that sense to most younger men.

I thought this has been an issue for millennia. Now you’re talking about developed nations.

For most people, getting fat is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less sex than I would like, as a female. DH says I want it too much and need 4 men. I think he wants it too little!

Can you pls clarify how much sex WOULD you like? Curious which of you is the outlier.

Him, he is the outlier. He could easily go a couple of months without sex. And what was worse was that he would act like it was a chore. I don’t think this is typical for a man his age (early 40s). For me it depends on my cycle, sometimes I want it multiple times a day, sometimes I could go without for a couple of days. But I would be happy with a couple times per week.

I have a hourglass figure and take very good care of myself and wear sexy lingerie for him. Yesterday as we were about to do it he said “aww but I really like how we are just chatting right now.” Things are much better now but I know that he is having sex with me to make me happy. I don’t think he is gay or having an affair, he just has a lower drive.

Do you think he could be gay? This seems more than just low T or low libido

I thought about this a lot and he just... wasn't like this when we first got together. We had a ton of chemistry and were very physically attracted to one another and he couldn't keep his hands off me. We were very sexual until our second child was born, about 5 years into the marriage. I don't think he could have faked it to that extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less sex than I would like, as a female. DH says I want it too much and need 4 men. I think he wants it too little!

Can you pls clarify how much sex WOULD you like? Curious which of you is the outlier.

Him, he is the outlier. He could easily go a couple of months without sex. And what was worse was that he would act like it was a chore. I don’t think this is typical for a man his age (early 40s). For me it depends on my cycle, sometimes I want it multiple times a day, sometimes I could go without for a couple of days. But I would be happy with a couple times per week.

I have a hourglass figure and take very good care of myself and wear sexy lingerie for him. Yesterday as we were about to do it he said “aww but I really like how we are just chatting right now.” Things are much better now but I know that he is having sex with me to make me happy. I don’t think he is gay or having an affair, he just has a lower drive.

Do you think he could be gay? This seems more than just low T or low libido

I thought about this a lot and he just... wasn't like this when we first got together. We had a ton of chemistry and were very physically attracted to one another and he couldn't keep his hands off me. We were very sexual until our second child was born, about 5 years into the marriage. I don't think he could have faked it to that extent.

PP is just a guy pretending to be a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has never told me I’m hot or sexy. On occasion he’ll say I like nice in something. It makes me feel so ugly. I’m not blowing my family up over it, but I’ve stopped trying.

Same. I’m an attractive woman but have really kicked it up a notch in the last several months after having my 3rd kid. New hair, working out, new clothes. I get a lot of compliments from friends and strangers. Radio silence from DH.

I suspect a lot of it is family of origin. My lovely MIL is very, very obese (then and now) and she and FIL (a very good looking man) divorced when DH was an infant. There were never comments about looks in his household growing up, he said. It was just not discussed.

I’ve also wondered if on some level his mother (and sister) resented more conventionally attractive women and he carries that with him subconsciously. Even though he’s very attractive, and I know that my looks were a factor in him being attracted to me.

I’m teaching my son how to pay sincere compliments. I’m also teaching him to unload the dishwasher without being asked haha. My future son or daughter in law will thank me.

This isn't something to be proud of. You've essentially turned your son into your husband and projected your issues with your husband on to him. He may load a dishwasher but he will have a ton of mommy issues to unpack.

You may also want to work on your internalized misogyny instead

To be clear, I’m not walking around telling my son “Tell mommy she’s pretty! Now! Tell me I’m pretty!” I’m not now depending on my son for validation here.

Instead, I’m teaching him how to give compliments generally, which is a skill I don’t think my DH picked up in his household growing up. My daughter makes a nice painting? He says its beautiful. I dress up for date night? He tells me I look pretty. He wears a new sweater for picture day? I tell him he looks handsome. And of course, we compliment on intelligence, work ethic, kindness, generosity, etc. As many PPs have pointed out, my DH never learned this (particularly as it relates to beauty) and thus won’t naturally teach it to our son (or daughter for that matter. Compliments should go both ways.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less sex than I would like, as a female. DH says I want it too much and need 4 men. I think he wants it too little!

Can you pls clarify how much sex WOULD you like? Curious which of you is the outlier.

Him, he is the outlier. He could easily go a couple of months without sex. And what was worse was that he would act like it was a chore. I don’t think this is typical for a man his age (early 40s). For me it depends on my cycle, sometimes I want it multiple times a day, sometimes I could go without for a couple of days. But I would be happy with a couple times per week.

I have a hourglass figure and take very good care of myself and wear sexy lingerie for him. Yesterday as we were about to do it he said “aww but I really like how we are just chatting right now.” Things are much better now but I know that he is having sex with me to make me happy. I don’t think he is gay or having an affair, he just has a lower drive.

Do you think he could be gay? This seems more than just low T or low libido

I thought about this a lot and he just... wasn't like this when we first got together. We had a ton of chemistry and were very physically attracted to one another and he couldn't keep his hands off me. We were very sexual until our second child was born, about 5 years into the marriage. I don't think he could have faked it to that extent.

PP is just a guy pretending to be a woman.

Nope, I am a woman! I read about the women here batting their husbands away and I burn with jealousy! Sometimes I wish I could just borrow a man like that...

[Anonymous]

I compromise WAY more than DH. It used to be that he recognized this, and when I did push for something other than what he wanted, he gave in graciously. No longer- he acts like he is king in a castle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less sex than I would like, as a female. DH says I want it too much and need 4 men. I think he wants it too little!

Can you pls clarify how much sex WOULD you like? Curious which of you is the outlier.

Him, he is the outlier. He could easily go a couple of months without sex. And what was worse was that he would act like it was a chore. I don’t think this is typical for a man his age (early 40s). For me it depends on my cycle, sometimes I want it multiple times a day, sometimes I could go without for a couple of days. But I would be happy with a couple times per week.

I have a hourglass figure and take very good care of myself and wear sexy lingerie for him. Yesterday as we were about to do it he said “aww but I really like how we are just chatting right now.” Things are much better now but I know that he is having sex with me to make me happy. I don’t think he is gay or having an affair, he just has a lower drive.

Do you think he could be gay? This seems more than just low T or low libido

I thought about this a lot and he just... wasn't like this when we first got together. We had a ton of chemistry and were very physically attracted to one another and he couldn't keep his hands off me. We were very sexual until our second child was born, about 5 years into the marriage. I don't think he could have faked it to that extent.

PP is just a guy pretending to be a woman.

Nope, I am a woman! I read about the women here batting their husbands away and I burn with jealousy! Sometimes I wish I could just borrow a man like that...

My husband is exactly the same as PP’s! I am a woman too. This happens. In my case, on the same timeframe! Things seemed great up until our 2nd child was born, also 5 years into the marriage. Our sex life dropped to nearly zero after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD and a lack of grit.

I missed the lack of grit when we were dating and first married - but the signs may have been there.

He constantly needs affirmation, and will randomly comment on how someone gave him a compliment years ago. Nothing is his fault. The slightest obstacle defeats him.

I didn’t realize the grit thing, because he had a successful career, in a competitive field. Now that I’m 20 years older - I realize that as a white, middle-class boomer, working for the federal government, he just hasn’t had the same experience as I have had (non-white, woman, GenX, working in the private sector) even though I had the more privileged upbringing.

It’s come out in the last year or so as he’s retired from his government job and struggled to find a job that he likes.

The lack of a job wouldn’t bother me if he took more ownership of household tasks, but he’s finding that hard to do - likely because his executive functioning skills are awful.

I had a feeling about the ADHD, but it’s gotten worse as he ages and we had a kid. He’s refusing to get help, but acknowledges there’s a problem.

Right now I’m in the appeasement stage- but also setting boundaries for what I take on, and lowering my standards for things.

He puts up with a wife who is 20 lbs overweight with a low sex drive. He doesn’t realize a lot of that is because of stress, a lack of a consistent schedule, and feeling like a I’m a mom to a moody teen - rather than his partner.

Wow, I could have written so much of this. The lack of grit has been one of the greatest romantic killers between us.

My DH came home from a nice early work dinner last night and announced he was going to finish tidying the kitchen and go to his sports league game (which I had rearranged my schedule to cover for). I went upstairs to do bedtime, shower and read in bed before falling asleep.

This morning he was asleep on the couch (no routine or discipline), he had skipped the game (no exercise or socializing) and there were no clean containers for the kids’ lunches that I had to pack.

Zero grit, maximum give-up. It’s gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
- Being bad in bed, uninterested in sex with their wife, not complimenting their wife, not being fit and attractive, dressing poorly or having bad grooming is also common. All the married men who were fit, rich and had high T, were also the ones who were sleeping around. So, maybe the not being good in bed is not such a bad thing. There is a reason that BOBs are popular.

Yeah but it’s kind of sad when she brings one home and you ask if it’s something to spice up your time together and she’s like ummm no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has never told me I’m hot or sexy. On occasion he’ll say I like nice in something. It makes me feel so ugly. I’m not blowing my family up over it, but I’ve stopped trying.

Same. I’m an attractive woman but have really kicked it up a notch in the last several months after having my 3rd kid. New hair, working out, new clothes. I get a lot of compliments from friends and strangers. Radio silence from DH.

I suspect a lot of it is family of origin. My lovely MIL is very, very obese (then and now) and she and FIL (a very good looking man) divorced when DH was an infant. There were never comments about looks in his household growing up, he said. It was just not discussed.

I’ve also wondered if on some level his mother (and sister) resented more conventionally attractive women and he carries that with him subconsciously. Even though he’s very attractive, and I know that my looks were a factor in him being attracted to me.

I’m teaching my son how to pay sincere compliments. I’m also teaching him to unload the dishwasher without being asked haha. My future son or daughter in law will thank me.

This isn't something to be proud of. You've essentially turned your son into your husband and projected your issues with your husband on to him. He may load a dishwasher but he will have a ton of mommy issues to unpack.

You may also want to work on your internalized misogyny instead

To be clear, I’m not walking around telling my son “Tell mommy she’s pretty! Now! Tell me I’m pretty!” I’m not now depending on my son for validation here.

Instead, I’m teaching him how to give compliments generally, which is a skill I don’t think my DH picked up in his household growing up. My daughter makes a nice painting? He says its beautiful. I dress up for date night? He tells me I look pretty. He wears a new sweater for picture day? I tell him he looks handsome. And of course, we compliment on intelligence, work ethic, kindness, generosity, etc. As many PPs have pointed out, my DH never learned this (particularly as it relates to beauty) and thus won’t naturally teach it to our son (or daughter for that matter. Compliments should go both ways.)

You are still projecting your issues with him into her son


And yes compliments are nice but they aren't the end all be all such that someone's world comes apart if they don't get one it's leads to people pleasing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
- Being bad in bed, uninterested in sex with their wife, not complimenting their wife, not being fit and attractive, dressing poorly or having bad grooming is also common. All the married men who were fit, rich and had high T, were also the ones who were sleeping around. So, maybe the not being good in bed is not such a bad thing. There is a reason that BOBs are popular.

Yeah but it’s kind of sad when she brings one home and you ask if it’s something to spice up your time together and she’s like ummm no.

Tiniest violin.

If you have to ask that maybe ask for more feedback in the bedroom.