I feel like my hosting is rarely reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not reciprocating is only ok if there is an excusable hardship. Excuses stated in these responses (“I have an old house” or “I have 4 kids” or “My house is small” or “We lead a busy life”) are all just excuses.

Hmm not sure what people are supposed to do about these things though. If you don't have room for other kids... you don't have room. Whether that's because kids are doubled up in rooms because you have 4 or because you live in an 800 sq ft bungalow or an apartment.

Just FYI that sleepovers generally, and especially multi-kid sleepovers, are not as common in places where people live in small homes or apartments. We live in the Hill where a small number of families have 2000+ sq ft but many of us are living with less than 1000. And many are in condos where it's harder to host kids because you can't send them to the yard and layouts mean everyone is on top of each other. But the families with bigger homes talk up the sleepovers and want it to be a thing because THEY want to host them and then the rest of us wind up with kids who want sleepovers but we have more limited ability to host. It sucks. We already deal with the quandary of birthday parties and this is just an added layer. Sorry I can't afford to spend 1.5m on a house so that we can reciprocate slumber parties? Whatever, get over yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dog really struggles with having other kids over so we rarely do it (basically DH or I has to take the dog out of the house the entire time or be constantly monitoring the situation, which is tough). We do try to drive kids to outside activities and treat for things like Top Golf or Sandy Springs but we rarely host at our house.

Because of a DOG? Why didn't you train the dog to deal with kids and noises. That is 100% on you. What in the heck of all excuses?!?

Yes in retrospect we should have but we adopted the dog during COVID so by the time we had people over, we had had the dog for more than a year. He is ok with other adults just not other kids. Since we don't have kids over very often it's hard to train for it.

[Anonymous]

For teens - the kids decide where they all want to go. we've offered to our daughter to host many times and she isn't interested - wants to go to friends who live in more walkable area, have a bigger house, and other reasons. So hopefully the other parents are not sitting around seething.

[Anonymous]

I’ve just come to accept that we are the “cool house”. We have a full finished basement where they can hang out, I always provide snacks and beverages, etc. I have an only child so it’s quiet here. My DD’s friends always comment on these things. Now that we are in the teenage years, I prefer it this way. I know where they are and what they’re up to.

[Anonymous]

We host more than others, but not the most among our kids' friends. (One of my DD's friends is an only who hosts frequently, I think because her parents find it easier when she's entertained.)

We have 3 kids and way too much to do, but do have the room and don't have any pets/mental health/other special concerns. My DH resents it more than me just because of the sleep disturbance, time suck and general messiness. I'm less bothered by most of those things and remember my parents being exceedingly unhelpful about facilitating my social activities as a kid and I don't want to do that to my kids. If they arrange the plans themselves and there's no reason we can't host, I'm inclined to do it.

[Anonymous]

When I was a tween/teen I almost never had sleepovers and I bet some of the parents who hosted me were annoyed that my family never reciprocated.

My dad had serious health issues and my mom had clinical depression and anxiety that was largely untreated. Also there was a lot of verbal abuse, neglect, and some physical abuse in my home.

I am grateful to the families who hosted me in part because it allowed me to see how functional families operated and to feel safe and welcome at least sometimes.

Please keep this in mind. You can resent the parents if you want but please understand that the sleepovers are FOR the kids, not the parents, and the kids whose families can't or won't reciprocate may be getting way more out of coming to your house than your kid would ever get out of going to theirs (you might not actually want your kid in those homes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hosting is like gifting.

You shouldn't expect reciprocation.

It's nice when the other party reciprocates. But you shouldn't do so with the expectation of reciprocation.

You host sleepovers because your kid wants company. Perhaps the other kid doesn't need/want company as badly.

+1 I had an only child for a long time before my second one was born, and was always trying to arrange play dates for my first kid. Once my second kid was born, there wasn't as much of a need for that and we were too busy. So I will reciprocate if it's warranted, but I also don't really like sleepovers, and would rather arrange to have the kids do something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a great thing that your daughter and her friends WANT to hang out at your place. It’s a great way to make sure you know your kid’s friends, can make sure you’re aware of what they are getting up to, etc.

I would rather constantly host sleepovers rather than send my kid to sleep at the home of a random family I might not know that well.

Agreed! Our house was the hang out place. It was great.

[Anonymous]

I knew from the headline, even before I even clicked on your post, that your kid was an only child, OP. This is just the way it goes for parents of only children, and it's better if you can accept this with grace.

Signed,
parent of an only child hosts 99.9% of the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve just come to accept that we are the “cool house”. We have a full finished basement where they can hang out, I always provide snacks and beverages, etc. I have an only child so it’s quiet here. My DD’s friends always comment on these things. Now that we are in the teenage years, I prefer it this way. I know where they are and what they’re up to.

Same here and we have 4 kids and a 2400 sqft home. ! I just don't understand parents who have 2-3 kids and say they are so so busy all of the time. That is on you and no one else. My kids rotate with using basement and having friends over. This weather they are outback a lot, playing sports at the park up the street, or walking/biking the 1.5 miles to the local strip mall with ice cream and Panera. Like it's not that hard to invite a few people into your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can't host sleepovers because our dog can't handle it. Serious question, would you prefer our kids turn down sleepover invites since we can't reciprocate?

You can't reciprocate by inviting other kids out for dinner, an outing, a movie?

[Anonymous]

My DS is a total homebody and just doesn't reach out or socialize beyond walking to school with his friends and playing on some sports teams. When he is at home, he wants to veg out or play with his brother, or he's content to just hang out shooting hoops in our backyard. He'll go to something if it's offered but it just is not on his radar to make something happen on his own. It is nothing personal regarding his friends. It just is not how he's wired at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not reciprocating is only ok if there is an excusable hardship. Excuses stated in these responses (“I have an old house” or “I have 4 kids” or “My house is small” or “We lead a busy life”) are all just excuses.

Hmm not sure what people are supposed to do about these things though. If you don't have room for other kids... you don't have room. Whether that's because kids are doubled up in rooms because you have 4 or because you live in an 800 sq ft bungalow or an apartment.

Just FYI that sleepovers generally, and especially multi-kid sleepovers, are not as common in places where people live in small homes or apartments. We live in the Hill where a small number of families have 2000+ sq ft but many of us are living with less than 1000. And many are in condos where it's harder to host kids because you can't send them to the yard and layouts mean everyone is on top of each other. But the families with bigger homes talk up the sleepovers and want it to be a thing because THEY want to host them and then the rest of us wind up with kids who want sleepovers but we have more limited ability to host. It sucks. We already deal with the quandary of birthday parties and this is just an added layer. Sorry I can't afford to spend 1.5m on a house so that we can reciprocate slumber parties? Whatever, get over yourselves.

I grew up living in a home (apartment, no yard) that was 900 sq feet. We didn’t invite 10 girls over at a time , we invited 1 or 2. We all slept in the living room. Not a single person complained that the space was too small.

What we didn’t have in space compared to other friends, our family made up with love and a sensing of welcoming.

Stop making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older she gets the happier you will be at this arrangement. You won't have to worry about permissive parents who let the sneak out or experiment with alcohol or drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew from the headline, even before I even clicked on your post, that your kid was an only child, OP. This is just the way it goes for parents of only children, and it's better if you can accept this with grace.

Signed,
parent of an only child hosts 99.9% of the time

Not true at all.

Reciprocity is all about being taught good manners and how to live in polite society. It is first of all about your socialization, then it is your education and SES level, and it is about being functional in all spheres of your life.

I have two kids. I host often for both adults and kids and it very rarely get reciprocated. All parents are happy to send their kids to our place but majority of them are takers and offer zero reciprocation. But, when there are parents who do reciprocate, then I add them to my inner circle. For me it is a way to identify takers and givers. I then nurture those relationships where parents reciprocate because these are mostly people from similar backgrounds. People raised in poverty do not host because the poverty mindset does not leave them. It is hard for them to "spend money" or "give something" to others.

Here is why I can host - functional family, well run household with weekly cleaners, large enough house, home is set up for entertaining, willingness on our part to spend money/time/effort on others, belonging to a culture where hospitality is ingrained in us, we know how to throw parties, we know how to cook.

I recently hosted some people and they told me that I should not only continue to host them but they cannot reciprocate because their houses are too cluttered for them to host. So, their dysfunction is real. .

The people who do not reciprocate now will never be able to reciprocate in future also. You need to know this. Their dysfuntion regarding their household, family dynamics, finances, upbringing, health etc will continue to become worse.