I feel like my hosting is rarely reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

If kids show up, they are always welcome but I don't reciprocate invites often because I don't like the planning. I do out of duty occasionally but I'd prefer my kid shoot their friend an invite and leave me out of it. I don't mind feeding other kids or having them over. I just don't like the expectations of having activities prepared and full parental oversight that a parent texting another parent suggests. I'd rather just have the kids find their own fun and I can prepare snacks. My kids love sleepovers but I realized the kids were not getting sleep so I'm against that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as soon as I read the first sentence of your post, I was going to ask if your daughter was an only child. And sure enough, your brother confirms this. I am pretty sure this is like the 4th or 5th post I've seen complaining about the same thing on DCUM and it always comes out that the perpetual hoster has an only child. Parents with multiple children definitely have more on their plates. They are also less desperate for their kids to have playdates, get-togethers, sleepovers etc. with other children because their own kids already have each others' company. I can commiserate with you because I have an only child, now a teen, and yes I did host like 90% of the time. I am happy to continue doing so because it benefits my kid. Let go of the expectation that others will host equally, because keeping tally will just make you miserable.

+1 my DD’s best friend is an only child, and the girls hang out over there 90% of the time. There is just more space and it is so much less hectic than our house. I do the bulk of the driving, as I’m in and out constantly taking my kids here, there and everywhere between my 3…easy to work in another stop. DH and I also have more flexible work schedules than the other set of parents, so can pretty much always drive in a pinch and offer to drive best friend too. Seems to work for all and I have sensed no resentment from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is jumping on OP about sleepovers, but she didn’t indicate that’s what she’s expecting. Just that it would be nice for her kid to be invited out.

I get that. I have two kids, host a lot because they want to and I don’t mind, but it’s mostly reciprocated. My kids would be sad if they were never invited to friends’ houses.

Others having multiple kids is probably part of it—more going on and more challenging to organize. But some people are either oblivious, or just don’t like to host.

OP is posting on the tween and teen forum, not elementary. We aren’t making plans and telling our kids to invite Larla over. More likely, our kids are coordinating and asking for rides to where they want to go or if they can sleep over at someone’s house. By this age, I would assume OP’s kid is the one inviting everyone over on the group chat.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, at this age, I would just be happy that they want to be at your house and you can keep an eye on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, at this age, I would just be happy that they want to be at your house and you can keep an eye on them.

Yes to this. Sounds great to me - your tween/teen DC is home under your supervision, having a good time with friends. That is ideal to me, personally. If you can afford the extra food & the kids are decently well behaved, I say consider yourself lucky.

[Anonymous]

You need to accept that it won’t ever be reciprocal.

Other people have different needs and priorities. I’ve gone through phases where I e invited people over all the time and times when I didn’t have the bandwidth. If your daughter’s friends have younger siblings, the parents are already dividing their attention and also don’t feel the need for socialization the way you do. That’s life. Something to keep in mind is that this phase of life is very short—host sleepovers if you want to, take a break if you want. Time flies. Pretty soon, you’ll blink and your kid will have moved on to the next thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you host Americans, it will not be reciprocated. It is because they are classless, mannerless, lazy, dirty, low energy, dysfunctional, selfish, miserly and broke.

Make peace with it. They are uncouth but you should continue to host because you must teach better to your kids, and you don't really want your kids to go to their dirty homes, do you?

If not for Americans, who would come to the sleepover? We're in America, no?

Invite children of legal well educated white collar immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you host Americans, it will not be reciprocated. It is because they are classless, mannerless, lazy, dirty, low energy, dysfunctional, selfish, miserly and broke.

Make peace with it. They are uncouth but you should continue to host because you must teach better to your kids, and you don't really want your kids to go to their dirty homes, do you?

If not for Americans, who would come to the sleepover? We're in America, no?

Invite children of legal well educated white collar immigrants.

+1. It’s not their fault that the immigration process takes years and years.

[Anonymous]

My kids are teens and bristle when I try to make their social plans, so at this stage I don't. I'm constantly suggesting that they invite friends over. Our house is clean, I have good snacks--they aren't embarrassed about the house or me, they just hate taking the step to invite because they are afraid of rejection, they're both followers. We are working on their assertiveness and risk-taking. All that to say, it may not be the other parents "fault", I'm doing all I can, they may be doing it too.

[Anonymous]

It's possible that your daughter needs these activities more than her friends do. If so, the burden falls on you to make them happy since they are more valuable to you.

I have two daughters who are 2 years apart. While they love having friends over, they are content playing with each other. We feel less pressure to invite friends over. I try to reciprocate because I think it's rude to always be on the receiving end, but the frequency and urgency is not as much as their friends with either only children, different sex siblings or siblings who are not close in age.

These friends tend to miss my daughters more than friends who have a smae sex sibling close in age.

Do what you can without expecting anything back. Don't do whatever will make you resentful.

[Anonymous]

Hosting is never reciprical. Get over it. Some people like hosting. Some don’t. If you do, go for it. If you don’t, dont. I am a natural host btw, and I host people almost constantly. Got three extras here at the moment. I like it that way. If you don’t like that, don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Are you arranging the sleepovers or is your daughter? We often are the sleepover hosts but occasionally I just tell my child it doesnt work if we have a lot going on and to see if the sleepover can happen at the friend’s house. Usually it’s totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Tweens/teens make their own plans. I don't reciprocate sleepovers because they don't work for our family's sleep schedules/pets. Are you miffed about the money spent hosting? I get that, and will let DD use my CC on the Starbucks app (or put money on her debit card to go wherever) to get together with a friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. But don’t keep hosting expecting that there will be reciprocation. If it makes your kid happy and it’s not a big deal for you, carry on. Others may have reasons, or not, but that’s up to them.

This.

You can’t control other people’s behavior. You can only control your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a great thing that your daughter and her friends WANT to hang out at your place. It’s a great way to make sure you know your kid’s friends, can make sure you’re aware of what they are getting up to, etc.

I would rather constantly host sleepovers rather than send my kid to sleep at the home of a random family I might not know that well.

Same. Op, my son is a junior in high school, and I work hard to get all his friends to hang out here (day and evenings; we don't do any type of sleepover). I can keep a bit of a better eye on what they are doing. I get to know his friends.

I know it's a lot of work, and expensive. I don't know how often you are hosting, but it's perfectly fine to cut back a bit.

And a few reasons we've never hosted sleepovers:
1) My husband is from another country and has a strong cultural aversion to sleepovers. My son doesn't host and cannot attend.
2) I have an anxious dog who would bark all night.
3) I work 50 hour weeks and my husband is out that much with a long commute.
4) We used to live in a tiny townhouse that wouldn't accommodate a sleepover. The basement rec room was the only place big enough, and there is no 2nd exit, so it's a fire hazard for people to sleep down there.