SIL asked us to take her kids overnight

[Anonymous]

I am team OP...

SIL and BIL can pay for their own sitter.
OP needs time to study and be with her family.

If SIL had helped out in the past, then the rules would be different.

I would not feel any bit of guilt....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have the right to say no, so just do it. But this one overnight is really not the major ask you are making it out to be.

True, if it were just a single overnight, it would be no big deal. Yet, you and so many others fail to see that The Overnight encompasses all snubbing, dissing, ignored opportunities that embody the IL's relationship with OP and her DH. If an overnight has no emotional baggage, it's simple. Add all the emotional baggage to it and it becomes something very different.

I'm sure OP would have been receptive to a playdate at a playground and McDonald's for lunch afterwards. If you're interested in building a relationship, you don't do it by dumping your kids on people who are essentially strangers to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The upside to the cousin sleepover is that your child can start building a rapport with his cousins, and for me that would be worth a LOT of hassle.

The downside is that you seem unable to get past accumulated resentment that you did not receive free childcare, but that your SIL did. Your very negative tone and apparent inability to cope with normal childhood ills and uncertainty (Why would they puke that night, of all nights? Why would their parents not pick them up on time?), makes me wonder about your mental rigidity and apparent lack of social connection. Do babysitters always take care of your kid for you, that you've never had to clean up vomit?

However it's YOUR house and YOUR evening studying time and as such, you do have a say in this... even if you trust your husband to be 100% responsible for all 3 kids. You are perfectly within your rights to say no, OP.

+1
I think the upside is worth it. OP has some unresolved resentment that's seeping in. MIL helping SIL,etc. Why hasn't OP ever initiated a cousin ice cream?? She wants to be mad, if you can't keep your feelings in check - don't expose those kids. They didn't do anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing like family!

100%

These are OP's child's cousins. It's one night. OP could plan a fun night for her child and her child's cousins. Instead, she's whining about how it's not fair. Of course it's not fair. Family is rarely fair. You could do the right thing or not. Up to you.

Ah, the 'family' card! So much internalized misogyny on this thread! If OP agrees to it, I'd have her leave the planning for a 'fun night' to her DH. These are, after all, his blood kin. Of course, as demonstrated by your post, you lay the burden of this on women. If her DH wants to be responsible for it all, he should agree to it.

Listen, I don't think the OP should host this sleepover. She clearly doesn't want to. It also doesn't sound like the SIL asked OP, instead of her brother, about the sleepover. No major assumptions were made about OP doing all the work. So far, it doesn't sound like anyone is making any kind of misogynist assumptions here. OP is being told "you could do this work if it was important to you" by the majority of the posters. I don't think this is an instance of misogynist martyrdom, though I do agree these threads often end up in that space.

This is one woman looking down on a woman she perceives to be lower class and taking insult from a relatively normal family request. Then 5 pages of arguing about how right she is. I saw like 3 posts saying that she should take the kids. I suggested on like page 2 that she could make this a fun thing if she wanted to. She doesn't want to. She needs to own that. Internalized misogyny has nothing to do with it.

Seriously, you don't think that OP would be carrying most of the weight to pull off the sleepover? You think her DH will have the lead and do most the work?

I don't know what posts you've been reading but there, absolutely is a lot of misogyn on this thread. I get that OP hasn't explained herself well. Have you never been conflicted about something but struggled to understand/articulate why you're so bothered by it? I certainly have. OP is absolutely right to feel the way she does. She can be hurt that her efforts to establish a relationship between the cousins was rebuffed/ignored - and to top it off, she doesn't even like her ILs but she made an effort. But now that they need something from OP and her DH - and admit it, OP will be carrying the load - they have no problem reaching out. And, the harpies on DCUM, rather than take a minute to think about the situation, jump on OP and castigate her for being selfish and horrible.

I say good for OP. I'm sorry she's conflicted. I'm sorry her refusal to be used in the name of 'family' wasn't supported. This would only be a 'normal family request' if the ILs had acted as family. If there wasn't a genetic component, would anyone have thought twice about OP's refusal and indignation? I doubt it. If you wouldn't accommodate this behavior in acquaintances/friends, why would you accommodate it in family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have the right to say no, so just do it. But this one overnight is really not the major ask you are making it out to be.

True, if it were just a single overnight, it would be no big deal. Yet, you and so many others fail to see that The Overnight encompasses all snubbing, dissing, ignored opportunities that embody the IL's relationship with OP and her DH. If an overnight has no emotional baggage, it's simple. Add all the emotional baggage to it and it becomes something very different.

I'm sure OP would have been receptive to a playdate at a playground and McDonald's for lunch afterwards. If you're interested in building a relationship, you don't do it by dumping your kids on people who are essentially strangers to them.

OP here. This is it.

I do not really like my SIL. It's also clear she doesn't like me, because she has not responded to a single text of mine trying to get the kids together for playdates. She was never there for me when I had childcare or healthcare emergencies. She and her kids took precedence all those years with my MIL/FIL and had plenty of sleepovers with MIL, a heck of alot more "breaks" and overnights away from her kids than DH and I ever have. DH and I have not had a single night away from our son, ever.

I gave up at some point. Because I realized there was no point in putting an effort into a relationship with someone who does not reciprocate my attempts. She was not interested in getting to know me, so all I know of her is what I hear from my DH who does not speak highly of her or his BIL.

When we do hear from her, it's an ask. She wanted my DH to take her and her kids out on our fishing boat. She pestered him over and over again until he said he would not take them out unless they bought their own lifejackets, which she refused. She expected to borrow our kids lifejacket, which would be too small for her kid. Our son is underweight at a 3T/4T at 4 years old. Her 4 y/o daughter wears an Xsmall.

Her and her BIL do not seem to care about safety, my SIL's kid fell straight to the bottom of a pool at a family event because they don't seem to enforce water safety or require them to wear lifejackets around pools despite them not knowing how to swaim. My SIL was closeby and my BIL just shrugged it off and said "oh, she's fine." Never put their kids in swimming lessons or preschool. Basically just shoved them on my MIL 9-5. They don't enforce carseats for their kids because it will "damage the leather" in their stupid $100K+ SUV.

And so no, when these asks come up it's just like ... why? She was never interested in developing a relationship with my son or I. Our relationship was holiday cards and seeing her kids at holidays or after birthday invites. I'm not giving up 18 hours of time to study or spend with my family 1-1 so that she and BIL can go party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this forum a bunch of moochers looking to get wasted on the weekends? What is wrong with op complaining anonymously? It's good to get those thoughts out. It even helps soften you up later.

No. But I do see when family is in a bind and I don’t hold grudges. Everyone needs a night off now and again. This isn’t a huge ask, even if you don’t consider your in laws family. It’s one night and a long morning.

OP here.

We aren't the only option for SIL/BIL to have a night off. There are plenty of other options for them.

I'd argue it is a huge ask, it's giving up time that my DH and I would rather be doing other things. DH said himself that we had one kid for a reason. His sister sees it your way; it's not a huge ask if you don't consider other people's time valuable. She had plenty of time off and nights to herself and BIL when my MIL stepped in on an almost weekly basis to take the girls for sleepovers.

Did you ever ask your MIL for help and get turned down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The upside to the cousin sleepover is that your child can start building a rapport with his cousins, and for me that would be worth a LOT of hassle.

The downside is that you seem unable to get past accumulated resentment that you did not receive free childcare, but that your SIL did. Your very negative tone and apparent inability to cope with normal childhood ills and uncertainty (Why would they puke that night, of all nights? Why would their parents not pick them up on time?), makes me wonder about your mental rigidity and apparent lack of social connection. Do babysitters always take care of your kid for you, that you've never had to clean up vomit?

However it's YOUR house and YOUR evening studying time and as such, you do have a say in this... even if you trust your husband to be 100% responsible for all 3 kids. You are perfectly within your rights to say no, OP.

+1
I think the upside is worth it. OP has some unresolved resentment that's seeping in. MIL helping SIL,etc. Why hasn't OP ever initiated a cousin ice cream?? She wants to be mad, if you can't keep your feelings in check - don't expose those kids. They didn't do anything wrong.

I did try, for years. My texts went unanswered. She never responded to my offers to get the kids together for playdates or anything.

I hate that this is on me somehow. For one, I tried. Secondly, even my DH and his sister barely talk (they will go for 3-6+ months without talking on the phone or texting). I talk to my own sister almost everyday and make the effort to see them once a month. Someone said earlier in the thread that you get what you give, SIL didn't give any, nor did she try to initiate a "cousin ice cream" on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Martyred much?

It's one night, not a lifetime commitment.

You sound like a user and someone who wants other women to conform. What does it matter if it's one night or a lifetime committment. OP is being asked to direct her limited resources to people who don't value her, her kid or a relationship. Just because the user has a genetic relationship with her DH and DC makes no difference.

You may chose to direct your energy to this sort of thing but you need to stop expecting/pushing women to make the same choices you have made. The overnight doesn't work for OP. It's too bad she's been conditioned by people like you to feel guilty for not allowing herself to be taken advantage of.

You need so much therapy it would be impossible to address everything that is wrong with your post.

Got to you, didn't I! What's funny is that I've actually had a lot of therapy in order to learn how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with my family. I learned a lot about how more people need to learn to stop accepting poor behavior from 'family'. I learned to stop giving my energy to people who didn't deserve it. I learned how to ignore the judgment of people like you who are complicit in maintaining unhealthy power structures. I'm happy to share all I learned in therapy with you - at no cost! Once you are comfortable letting go of the guilt, it's easier to see how messed up the dynamics are. Wish I'd learned it younger.

[Anonymous]

You're petty AF, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this forum a bunch of moochers looking to get wasted on the weekends? What is wrong with op complaining anonymously? It's good to get those thoughts out. It even helps soften you up later.

No. But I do see when family is in a bind and I don’t hold grudges. Everyone needs a night off now and again. This isn’t a huge ask, even if you don’t consider your in laws family. It’s one night and a long morning.

OP here.

We aren't the only option for SIL/BIL to have a night off. There are plenty of other options for them.

I'd argue it is a huge ask, it's giving up time that my DH and I would rather be doing other things. DH said himself that we had one kid for a reason. His sister sees it your way; it's not a huge ask if you don't consider other people's time valuable. She had plenty of time off and nights to herself and BIL when my MIL stepped in on an almost weekly basis to take the girls for sleepovers.

Did you ever ask your MIL for help and get turned down?

Many times and we had to stop asking. MIL could not help with my son because she watched SIL's girls fulltime 8-5 and was burnt out on the weekends. She did not have the capacity to watch 3 kids at a time. MIL would help well into the evening with SIL with cooking/cleaning after her new baby. No one came to help me after I had my son (my own mom passed away and my Dad is disabled). But they sure as sh*t expected to be served tea/coffee and be welcomed with open arms to come "visit" unannounced when I was a new Mom and sit on the couch with a drink in hand and not lift a finger.

So yes, there is alooootttt of resentment there from my end (DH too, but he sees it in the monetary sense that BIL/SIL were able to save $40-50+K/year with zero childcare costs and believes they should have plenty of money now to pay for a sitter).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

The fact that you were a doormat your entire life doesn't mean you are entitled to be a selfish jerk now.

Good lord. Maybe you should go to therapy to learn healthy boundaries.

signed a 54 year old who tells her family "no" when it's appropriate and pitches in when she can

So you support OP saying, 'no', and that she's not a selfish jerk to do so. Got it!

[Anonymous]

There is no way I would agree to that. SIL can find a sitter and pay for it. I don't blame OP for not wanting to watch their kids- whatever OP is doing is more important to her, and that's totally fine. The only way I would agree is if DH agreed to care for them, and I would go to a hotel to make sure I was not involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you don’t want to do it. That’s fine. “I’m sorry, we can’t do that” is a complete sentence. Though it would be a kindness to say: “here is the contact info for some reliable sitters we have used.”

[Anonymous]

I really don’t think this is a weird or abnormal ask at ALL. I think you sound crazy and dramatic.

It’s one night, it’s not like she’s asking you to start doing daily after school care or something. If it doesn’t work for you, you tell her that and move on but candidly I don’t know a single person who would say no to this ask for a sibling / a spouse’s sibling, unless there was an actual schedule conflict - and even then, most people would really try to figure out a way to make it work. You are absolutely the strange one in this situation

[Anonymous]

I dont know why everyone is dumping on OP. SIL is a user that only reaches out when she needs something. You reap what you sow.