SIL asked us to take her kids overnight

[Anonymous]

You can say, "no". For any 'ol reason, you can say no. Actually your husband uses HIS words to say no. His family, he delivers the news from the two of you.

I don't get why it's such a big deal for you. But I don't have to understand it to give the same advice. The other party does not have to understand either.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of 4 and 7 year old relatives for one night when you also have a 4 year old seems like an easy gig to me. HOWEVER, you clearly hate them and don't want to do it, so just say no. You are allowed to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what you should do, and you can definitely say no of course, but...


...if one of them throws up in the middle of the night, you handle it like an adult. While I'd let the parents know, I'd never expect them to come back unless we were actually dealing with a real emergency.

So anyway, you clearly don't want to do this, and that is absolutely fine. But don't use the possibility of illness as the reason. You can handle that.

OP here. I would not mind working on the relationship and getting to know her kids better, I'd actually be happy to take the kids out for ice cream or a playdate or something.

But, that's on my DH to develop that relationship with his sister and get the kids together. I don't think SIL likes me, she is very friendly to my face but any texts I sent to get the kids together went unanswered.

You are selfish.

I know this disorder is mentioned a lot on these boards, but actually it feels like OP has some anxiety due to high-functioning autism (rigidity, worries about future low-risk events, confusion and resentment over previous very feeble attempts to socialize, inability to move past long-standing grudge). Total armchair diagnosis. I have a lot of relatives like this, but I could be wildly off the mark, obviously. My apologies if I am. If I'm not, OP needs to understand her child DOES need socialization and friendship with peers, even if that makes her uncomfortable, and even if she gets rebuffed a lot.

Taking DCUM autism diagnosis to a new level

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what you should do, and you can definitely say no of course, but...


...if one of them throws up in the middle of the night, you handle it like an adult. While I'd let the parents know, I'd never expect them to come back unless we were actually dealing with a real emergency.

So anyway, you clearly don't want to do this, and that is absolutely fine. But don't use the possibility of illness as the reason. You can handle that.

OP here. I would not mind working on the relationship and getting to know her kids better, I'd actually be happy to take the kids out for ice cream or a playdate or something.

But, that's on my DH to develop that relationship with his sister and get the kids together. I don't think SIL likes me, she is very friendly to my face but any texts I sent to get the kids together went unanswered.

You are selfish.

I know this disorder is mentioned a lot on these boards, but actually it feels like OP has some anxiety due to high-functioning autism (rigidity, worries about future low-risk events, confusion and resentment over previous very feeble attempts to socialize, inability to move past long-standing grudge). Total armchair diagnosis. I have a lot of relatives like this, but I could be wildly off the mark, obviously. My apologies if I am. If I'm not, OP needs to understand her child DOES need socialization and friendship with peers, even if that makes her uncomfortable, and even if she gets rebuffed a lot.

Taking DCUM autism diagnosis to a new level

OP here. You are right about anxiety. I'll leave the autism diagnosis to a PsyD.

But - the totality of my son's interactions does not rely solely on his relationships with his cousins. He went pre-school (which is done now for the summer), swimming, and playgroups with other kids. We have neighbors too with kids his age who we do playdates with about once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL's HS reunion is coming up. She and my BIL want to get a hotel and be able to drink and not have to drive.

They have asked us to take in their 2 kids overnight, ages 4 and 7. The 4 y/o still needs help in the bathroom.

Here's the thing: we don't have any strong established relationship with their kids. We have never watched their kids alone for even 1 hour. We have a 4 year old, DH and I both work full-time. I am also in grad school so any extra evening time is for my studying. I don't want to give up 24 hours of what is normally quiet family time to have 3, rambunctious kids in my house. There's a reason DH and I have one kid. We like our downtime and quiet time.

My SIL received full-time childcare from my MIL for 5+ years while her kids were young until recently. In the past few years, MI got sick and had to downsize her home with FIL. They now live 2 hours away. I'm not sure why they're asking us and not my BIL's mom who watches their girls on a regular basis.

I'm not opposed to helping them out now and then - but when we went to SIL for help in the past with childcare emergencies she was never available. She and my MIL never watched my son once. As a result, DH and I built a strong network of babysitters and nannies who have watched our kids overnight on the occasion, at the cost of $25/hr. SIL does not want to pay this, nor does she have any babysitters she can call on since she's relied on MIL. What if one of them pukes in the middle of the night and BIL and SIL are wasted and don't come and pick them up? THere was just too many variables that I was not comfortable with.

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

I don't have a strong opinion on your situation, but you are using "chuffed" all wrong. It means pleased. I think your SIL is probably the opposite of chuffed.

No, it can have either a positive or negative connotation. While the former is currently more in use, the latter is not "all wrong."

https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/114209/chuffed-happy-or-unhappy/114218#114218

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL's HS reunion is coming up. She and my BIL want to get a hotel and be able to drink and not have to drive.

They have asked us to take in their 2 kids overnight, ages 4 and 7. The 4 y/o still needs help in the bathroom.

Here's the thing: we don't have any strong established relationship with their kids. We have never watched their kids alone for even 1 hour. We have a 4 year old, DH and I both work full-time. I am also in grad school so any extra evening time is for my studying. I don't want to give up 24 hours of what is normally quiet family time to have 3, rambunctious kids in my house. There's a reason DH and I have one kid. We like our downtime and quiet time.

My SIL received full-time childcare from my MIL for 5+ years while her kids were young until recently. In the past few years, MI got sick and had to downsize her home with FIL. They now live 2 hours away. I'm not sure why they're asking us and not my BIL's mom who watches their girls on a regular basis.

I'm not opposed to helping them out now and then - but when we went to SIL for help in the past with childcare emergencies she was never available. She and my MIL never watched my son once. As a result, DH and I built a strong network of babysitters and nannies who have watched our kids overnight on the occasion, at the cost of $25/hr. SIL does not want to pay this, nor does she have any babysitters she can call on since she's relied on MIL. What if one of them pukes in the middle of the night and BIL and SIL are wasted and don't come and pick them up? THere was just too many variables that I was not comfortable with.

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

Wow, you sound terrible. If you don't want to because you work full time and are in graduate school, it's ok to say no, but you're just making up non-sense.

Tell them that you are really overloaded with graduate school and working and cannot do it right now. However, you have a list of babysitters that might be able to help, if they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get along with my Sil and bil but like their kids so I would do it. Plus your kid might resent not knowing his cousins. Have sh handle most of the care so you can study

OP here: how much of this relationship building is my responsibility? SIL did not respond to my texts in the past.

The way I see it, it's my husband's responsibility to build his relationship with his sister and playdates. My DH is a little resentful too. We received zero help from any of them in the early days.

A previous PP called it payback. I guess my frustration is that SIL can't really expect free childcare to be extended from us when she provided zero response or interest when my husband was out of town and I had to go to the ER with mastitis and needed someone to watch my 1 y/o at the time. She can figure it out like we had to.

The relationship between cousins is different and not contingent on one sleepover. SIL hasn't really expressed any interest in developing any kind of a sisterly relationship with me, and I can see why. She has a strong relationship with her family, siblings, and friends. I have a much stronger relationship with my own sister (who albeit, lives 8 hours away), but I do make an effort to see my sister at least one a month and have stayed at her house overnight to help with her kids. I'm happy to start developing better relationships between our kids, but I don't want to just become free childcare to them.

THEN WHY ARE YOU YAPPING AT US? Sounds like it’s DH’s issue to handle directly. And it sounds like you both resent SIL, so he can just say no. Do you need total strangers to tell you you are 100% right? You aren’t, so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get along with my Sil and bil but like their kids so I would do it. Plus your kid might resent not knowing his cousins. Have sh handle most of the care so you can study

OP here: how much of this relationship building is my responsibility? SIL did not respond to my texts in the past.

The way I see it, it's my husband's responsibility to build his relationship with his sister and playdates. My DH is a little resentful too. We received zero help from any of them in the early days.

A previous PP called it payback. I guess my frustration is that SIL can't really expect free childcare to be extended from us when she provided zero response or interest when my husband was out of town and I had to go to the ER with mastitis and needed someone to watch my 1 y/o at the time. She can figure it out like we had to.

The relationship between cousins is different and not contingent on one sleepover. SIL hasn't really expressed any interest in developing any kind of a sisterly relationship with me, and I can see why. She has a strong relationship with her family, siblings, and friends. I have a much stronger relationship with my own sister (who albeit, lives 8 hours away), but I do make an effort to see my sister at least one a month and have stayed at her house overnight to help with her kids. I'm happy to start developing better relationships between our kids, but I don't want to just become free childcare to them.

OP. Seriously. You are entitled to feel your feelings. But be honest: you just don't like this chick. You probably don't actually want her watching your kids either.

You are right. I don't. I don't want her watching my son. I tolerate them at birthdays and holidays. I don't want to be the one to work on the relationship and want my husband to take initiative in this area and take over the social aspects between his family.

But, I do understand the importance of the cousins developing a relationship. I am willing to try - but not an overnight sleepover. I still see that as my husbands responsibility to manage relationships with his own family. I tried in the early days but she did not reciprocate the interest and I gave up.

Well, consider that if you sincerely would like to foster a relationship between the cousins - not exclusively you but assume you are participating in parenting your own child and supervising other children in your house - this is an opportunity to do that. You can have a really amazing sleepover for the cousins. You can get them the COUSIN CREW shirts my MIL loves so much. So what if your SIL didn't respond to your messages in the past? Why does that mean this sleepover is a bad idea?

You don't have to do anything other than host a couple of kids. If you were a person who had never seen the kids before or a person who didn't have kids, I could understand a 4yo who needs help in the bathroom sometimes being intimidating, but you also have a 4yo. This is not a dealbreaker unless you want it to be. If you want your husband to be in charge of communicating with his sister, fine. Sounds like hanging out with the kids will be more fun for you anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this a 24 hour thing? Is it out of town? Why can't they drop the kids off late in the day and pick up in the morning?

Op here, no. It's not out of town.

SIL and my DH still live in the town they grew up in (I did not grow up here). SIL lives about 5 blocks from her old higschool. She married her HS sweetheart and is still close friends with her friends from highschool.

They want to party and not have obligations for 24 hours.

[Anonymous]

I’d do it for my kid especially since yours is an only child. My cousins were my playmates growing up and close friends now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get along with my Sil and bil but like their kids so I would do it. Plus your kid might resent not knowing his cousins. Have sh handle most of the care so you can study

OP here: how much of this relationship building is my responsibility? SIL did not respond to my texts in the past.

The way I see it, it's my husband's responsibility to build his relationship with his sister and playdates. My DH is a little resentful too. We received zero help from any of them in the early days.

A previous PP called it payback. I guess my frustration is that SIL can't really expect free childcare to be extended from us when she provided zero response or interest when my husband was out of town and I had to go to the ER with mastitis and needed someone to watch my 1 y/o at the time. She can figure it out like we had to.

The relationship between cousins is different and not contingent on one sleepover. SIL hasn't really expressed any interest in developing any kind of a sisterly relationship with me, and I can see why. She has a strong relationship with her family, siblings, and friends. I have a much stronger relationship with my own sister (who albeit, lives 8 hours away), but I do make an effort to see my sister at least one a month and have stayed at her house overnight to help with her kids. I'm happy to start developing better relationships between our kids, but I don't want to just become free childcare to them.

OP. Seriously. You are entitled to feel your feelings. But be honest: you just don't like this chick. You probably don't actually want her watching your kids either.

You are right. I don't. I don't want her watching my son. I tolerate them at birthdays and holidays. I don't want to be the one to work on the relationship and want my husband to take initiative in this area and take over the social aspects between his family.

But, I do understand the importance of the cousins developing a relationship. I am willing to try - but not an overnight sleepover. I still see that as my husbands responsibility to manage relationships with his own family. I tried in the early days but she did not reciprocate the interest and I gave up.

Well, consider that if you sincerely would like to foster a relationship between the cousins - not exclusively you but assume you are participating in parenting your own child and supervising other children in your house - this is an opportunity to do that. You can have a really amazing sleepover for the cousins. You can get them the COUSIN CREW shirts my MIL loves so much. So what if your SIL didn't respond to your messages in the past? Why does that mean this sleepover is a bad idea?

You don't have to do anything other than host a couple of kids. If you were a person who had never seen the kids before or a person who didn't have kids, I could understand a 4yo who needs help in the bathroom sometimes being intimidating, but you also have a 4yo. This is not a dealbreaker unless you want it to be. If you want your husband to be in charge of communicating with his sister, fine. Sounds like hanging out with the kids will be more fun for you anyway.

OP here. Those are sweet suggestions actually. I'm not there yet where I would feel comfortable watching her kids for 24 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this a 24 hour thing? Is it out of town? Why can't they drop the kids off late in the day and pick up in the morning?

Op here, no. It's not out of town.

SIL and my DH still live in the town they grew up in (I did not grow up here). SIL lives about 5 blocks from her old higschool. She married her HS sweetheart and is still close friends with her friends from highschool.

They want to party and not have obligations for 24 hours.

Your husband contacts his sister and says that you all are not able to help out and maybe it will work out another time. That’s it. Move on and stop with trying to justify it here to everyone. You don’t want to do it for a variety of reasons. That’s fine. No one here needs to approve your reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get along with my Sil and bil but like their kids so I would do it. Plus your kid might resent not knowing his cousins. Have sh handle most of the care so you can study

OP here: how much of this relationship building is my responsibility? SIL did not respond to my texts in the past.

The way I see it, it's my husband's responsibility to build his relationship with his sister and playdates. My DH is a little resentful too. We received zero help from any of them in the early days.

A previous PP called it payback. I guess my frustration is that SIL can't really expect free childcare to be extended from us when she provided zero response or interest when my husband was out of town and I had to go to the ER with mastitis and needed someone to watch my 1 y/o at the time. She can figure it out like we had to.

The relationship between cousins is different and not contingent on one sleepover. SIL hasn't really expressed any interest in developing any kind of a sisterly relationship with me, and I can see why. She has a strong relationship with her family, siblings, and friends. I have a much stronger relationship with my own sister (who albeit, lives 8 hours away), but I do make an effort to see my sister at least one a month and have stayed at her house overnight to help with her kids. I'm happy to start developing better relationships between our kids, but I don't want to just become free childcare to them.

OP. Seriously. You are entitled to feel your feelings. But be honest: you just don't like this chick. You probably don't actually want her watching your kids either.

You are right. I don't. I don't want her watching my son. I tolerate them at birthdays and holidays. I don't want to be the one to work on the relationship and want my husband to take initiative in this area and take over the social aspects between his family.

But, I do understand the importance of the cousins developing a relationship. I am willing to try - but not an overnight sleepover. I still see that as my husbands responsibility to manage relationships with his own family. I tried in the early days but she did not reciprocate the interest and I gave up.

Well, consider that if you sincerely would like to foster a relationship between the cousins - not exclusively you but assume you are participating in parenting your own child and supervising other children in your house - this is an opportunity to do that. You can have a really amazing sleepover for the cousins. You can get them the COUSIN CREW shirts my MIL loves so much. So what if your SIL didn't respond to your messages in the past? Why does that mean this sleepover is a bad idea?

You don't have to do anything other than host a couple of kids. If you were a person who had never seen the kids before or a person who didn't have kids, I could understand a 4yo who needs help in the bathroom sometimes being intimidating, but you also have a 4yo. This is not a dealbreaker unless you want it to be. If you want your husband to be in charge of communicating with his sister, fine. Sounds like hanging out with the kids will be more fun for you anyway.

OP here. Those are sweet suggestions actually. I'm not there yet where I would feel comfortable watching her kids for 24 hours.

So say no and move TF on. Why are you continuing to run your trap on this topic? It’s clear you hate your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The upside to the cousin sleepover is that your child can start building a rapport with his cousins, and for me that would be worth a LOT of hassle.

The downside is that you seem unable to get past accumulated resentment that you did not receive free childcare, but that your SIL did. Your very negative tone and apparent inability to cope with normal childhood ills and uncertainty (Why would they puke that night, of all nights? Why would their parents not pick them up on time?), makes me wonder about your mental rigidity and apparent lack of social connection. Do babysitters always take care of your kid for you, that you've never had to clean up vomit?

However it's YOUR house and YOUR evening studying time and as such, you do have a say in this... even if you trust your husband to be 100% responsible for all 3 kids. You are perfectly within your rights to say no, OP.

exactly this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get along with my Sil and bil but like their kids so I would do it. Plus your kid might resent not knowing his cousins. Have sh handle most of the care so you can study

OP here: how much of this relationship building is my responsibility? SIL did not respond to my texts in the past.

The way I see it, it's my husband's responsibility to build his relationship with his sister and playdates. My DH is a little resentful too. We received zero help from any of them in the early days.

A previous PP called it payback. I guess my frustration is that SIL can't really expect free childcare to be extended from us when she provided zero response or interest when my husband was out of town and I had to go to the ER with mastitis and needed someone to watch my 1 y/o at the time. She can figure it out like we had to.

The relationship between cousins is different and not contingent on one sleepover. SIL hasn't really expressed any interest in developing any kind of a sisterly relationship with me, and I can see why. She has a strong relationship with her family, siblings, and friends. I have a much stronger relationship with my own sister (who albeit, lives 8 hours away), but I do make an effort to see my sister at least one a month and have stayed at her house overnight to help with her kids. I'm happy to start developing better relationships between our kids, but I don't want to just become free childcare to them.

OP. Seriously. You are entitled to feel your feelings. But be honest: you just don't like this chick. You probably don't actually want her watching your kids either.

You are right. I don't. I don't want her watching my son. I tolerate them at birthdays and holidays. I don't want to be the one to work on the relationship and want my husband to take initiative in this area and take over the social aspects between his family.

But, I do understand the importance of the cousins developing a relationship. I am willing to try - but not an overnight sleepover. I still see that as my husbands responsibility to manage relationships with his own family. I tried in the early days but she did not reciprocate the interest and I gave up.

Well, consider that if you sincerely would like to foster a relationship between the cousins - not exclusively you but assume you are participating in parenting your own child and supervising other children in your house - this is an opportunity to do that. You can have a really amazing sleepover for the cousins. You can get them the COUSIN CREW shirts my MIL loves so much. So what if your SIL didn't respond to your messages in the past? Why does that mean this sleepover is a bad idea?

You don't have to do anything other than host a couple of kids. If you were a person who had never seen the kids before or a person who didn't have kids, I could understand a 4yo who needs help in the bathroom sometimes being intimidating, but you also have a 4yo. This is not a dealbreaker unless you want it to be. If you want your husband to be in charge of communicating with his sister, fine. Sounds like hanging out with the kids will be more fun for you anyway.

OP here. Those are sweet suggestions actually. I'm not there yet where I would feel comfortable watching her kids for 24 hours.

It doesn't sound like you actually want the relationship, OP. I think you think it's important, but it sounds like you look down on your SIL (lives in hometown, married to HS sweetheart, but no tone about "how sweet"). But it doesn't sound like you actually WANT to get comfortable. She's asking for 24 hours for a special occasion. It's not an emergency, but your reasons for saying no are petty, not situational. If it was an actual emergency, I think you'd figure out how to become comfortable. You don't want to be comfortable with this because you're mad.