SIL asked us to take her kids overnight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.

It’s more like the groupthink is that you sound immature, petty and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Or she just sounds like a jerk, and not because she does not want to babysit.
Signed, a fellow fifty something.

[Anonymous]

OP, DH and I have been the ones for a variety of reasons (ailing parents, being in a better financial situation, etc.) that have had to always figure out childcare on our own. SIL and her DH are a hot mess at times (of their own making), so the grandparents would take their kids for entire summers. My in-laws still have to financially help them out. DH and I meanwhile handle our 3 kids on our own also with a good rotation of sitters. So I get the frustration and you have my blessing to not feel like taking this on.

The upside is you and DH have your $hit together without having to mooch off other people while never reciprocating. I can’t stand the “it takes a villllllage” people who want the village without making any effort to be a part of the village support network.

[Anonymous]

You have the right to say no, so just do it. But this one overnight is really not the major ask you are making it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Martyred much?

It's one night, not a lifetime commitment.

You sound like a user and someone who wants other women to conform. What does it matter if it's one night or a lifetime committment. OP is being asked to direct her limited resources to people who don't value her, her kid or a relationship. Just because the user has a genetic relationship with her DH and DC makes no difference.

You may chose to direct your energy to this sort of thing but you need to stop expecting/pushing women to make the same choices you have made. The overnight doesn't work for OP. It's too bad she's been conditioned by people like you to feel guilty for not allowing herself to be taken advantage of.

That would be well and good if you were talking about loaning SIL money or a car or helping her with household chores. But we're talking about children who are members of OP's family and who are her child's cousins. The children aren't using anybody. They are kids with alcoholic parents who no one is looking out for.

OP and DH have an obligation to their nieces/nephews. They shouldn't be ignoring what is going on in SIL's family. They should be offering to help the CHILDREN when they can. One night is a small ask. They're not being asked to foster these kids.

You can defend and justify OP's selfishness (and yours!) however you like. But the fact is that you are defending abandoning children to alcoholic parents on the basis that you're too busy to help.

You're monsters.

DP, not one you're responding to.

You magically made SIL into an alcoholic. OP said the BIL is an alcoholic with a DUI but did not say that SIL is an alcoholic.

You also need to learn what "enabling" is. OP and her DH --mostly her DH, he is the relative here -- would be enabling BIL's drinking if they agree to this.

Very sadly, I suspect that the SIL might want overnight sitters so she doesn't have to deal with her husband getting angry at her when he's at the event, is getting drunk and wants to stay and keep drinking, but she's had to stay sober to drive and she's telling him they absolutely have to leave now to get home for the kids. That's sad for the SIL, genuinely. But this is one occasion. The real issue is the BIL's alcoholism and that's where DH needs to talk seriously to his sister once she's stopped the petty pouting. BIL needs to get treatment. Bigger picture and all.

If you're married to an alchoolic and you drink with them, 99% of the time you're an alcoholic, too.

[Anonymous]

1. You don't have to take someone else's kids for the evening. Saying no is fine.

2. Your various backstories about MIL babysitting and past requests they have turned down to watch your kid makes you seem petty. It's fine not to want to watch their kid, but no need to be full of drama.

[Anonymous]

They're your husband's family and your child's cousins. It is one night..is it really such a great undertaking...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Martyred much?

It's one night, not a lifetime commitment.

You sound like a user and someone who wants other women to conform. What does it matter if it's one night or a lifetime committment. OP is being asked to direct her limited resources to people who don't value her, her kid or a relationship. Just because the user has a genetic relationship with her DH and DC makes no difference.

You may chose to direct your energy to this sort of thing but you need to stop expecting/pushing women to make the same choices you have made. The overnight doesn't work for OP. It's too bad she's been conditioned by people like you to feel guilty for not allowing herself to be taken advantage of.

That would be well and good if you were talking about loaning SIL money or a car or helping her with household chores. But we're talking about children who are members of OP's family and who are her child's cousins. The children aren't using anybody. They are kids with alcoholic parents who no one is looking out for.

OP and DH have an obligation to their nieces/nephews. They shouldn't be ignoring what is going on in SIL's family. They should be offering to help the CHILDREN when they can. One night is a small ask. They're not being asked to foster these kids.

You can defend and justify OP's selfishness (and yours!) however you like. But the fact is that you are defending abandoning children to alcoholic parents on the basis that you're too busy to help.

You're monsters.

They’re not being asked to “help the children.” They’re being asked to provide free babysitting so SIL and BIL can go get drunk and party with HS friends.

If OP and her brother had been asked to watch the kids overnight because SIL needed surgery and BIL had to care for her that would be helping the kids have a safe place to stay while their parents were dealing with health issues. In that case I might agree with you more.

But nah. Plenty of us suck it up and pay for a sitter when we want to go out. This is the equivalent of begging family to help you move instead of hiring movers. At some point it’s time to be an adult and handle your own life. If SIL wanted to have a reciprocal relationship to help with the kids that would be different, but this is straight up mooching. SIL couldn’t be bothered with responding to play date invites but now she and her DH want to dump her kids on OP and brother so they can re-live their HS days? Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

The fact that you were a doormat your entire life doesn't mean you are entitled to be a selfish jerk now.

Good lord. Maybe you should go to therapy to learn healthy boundaries.

signed a 54 year old who tells her family "no" when it's appropriate and pitches in when she can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

+1
You are amazing pp. I wish you were my irl friend. I have been in similar situations of discomfort when I'm being taken advantage of. Seeing so many weird posts of "just admit you hate her" is ridiculous because op has only received negative vibes. I doubt that she hates her at all but her tune might change if she ever did get wrangled into having a more connected relationship (could go either way, you end up hating her or becoming friends). You can't say you hate someone you hardly hear from. Op is just put off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.

Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.

So then what exactly brings you here to post? What are you looking for?

I probably should have clarified that.

Initially I thought people may agree with me that it's not my obligation.

We were asked out of the blue to watch her kids. We were both surprised, because we have never watched her kids by ourselves and don't have that kind of childcare sharing relationship.

I am wondering where the "but they're family" argument comes in here - especially when there isn't a pre-existing relationship and it's not for lack of trying. But now it appears there is a strong expectation that I should take these kids in for the night. I am wondering why there is such a strong expectation placed on women to maintain social bonds. Especially when in the past i have tried to develop a relationship with my SIL and my attempts/texts went unanswered.
I do not expect my DH to maintain a relationship with my sister. So why is there an unreciprocated expectation that I should somehow maintain a relationship with my SIL and her kids? Or put on a big sleepover for her and her kids? Why are men/uncles not given the same expectation to put on a FUN kids sleepover?

Alot of people are right, I don't like her. I think she and BIL are trashy as hell with tolerance of his drinking. My own husband is in AA, so it's not like I haven't been there/done that with an alcoholic spouse. There are other people who can watch them for the night, my DH and I are not the sole options here.

I'm a social worker (yes, incoming eye rolls, and I'm waiting for people to tell me I shouldn't be a social worker because I don't have endless capacity for compassion and empathy). I do not like the idea of sleepovers for multiple reasons. I'm not planning on letting my own kid have sleepovers for a very long time.

I am wondering why despite all of that discomfort, people feel I should roll over and take one for the team.

You have to be a troll. You told them, so move in. But noooooo
You need to get on the internet and trash them
Because you are so much better. We see you . Got it!

[Anonymous]

Is this forum a bunch of moochers looking to get wasted on the weekends? What is wrong with op complaining anonymously? It's good to get those thoughts out. It even helps soften you up later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this forum a bunch of moochers looking to get wasted on the weekends? What is wrong with op complaining anonymously? It's good to get those thoughts out. It even helps soften you up later.

No. But I do see when family is in a bind and I don’t hold grudges. Everyone needs a night off now and again. This isn’t a huge ask, even if you don’t consider your in laws family. It’s one night and a long morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this forum a bunch of moochers looking to get wasted on the weekends? What is wrong with op complaining anonymously? It's good to get those thoughts out. It even helps soften you up later.

OP has been told over and over that she can just say no. It’s not a big deal to watch 2 nieces/nephews for a night but she can say no if she wants to. She’s the one who wants to turn it into a referendum on how she has been wronged by her SIL and MIL. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this forum a bunch of moochers looking to get wasted on the weekends? What is wrong with op complaining anonymously? It's good to get those thoughts out. It even helps soften you up later.

No. But I do see when family is in a bind and I don’t hold grudges. Everyone needs a night off now and again. This isn’t a huge ask, even if you don’t consider your in laws family. It’s one night and a long morning.

OP here.

We aren't the only option for SIL/BIL to have a night off. There are plenty of other options for them.

I'd argue it is a huge ask, it's giving up time that my DH and I would rather be doing other things. DH said himself that we had one kid for a reason. His sister sees it your way; it's not a huge ask if you don't consider other people's time valuable. She had plenty of time off and nights to herself and BIL when my MIL stepped in on an almost weekly basis to take the girls for sleepovers.