Are you suspicious of people who chose to work with kids?

[Anonymous]

Your kid is just as likely (probably more so based on proximity) to be molested by a family member or friend than a teacher, coach, or priest. Worry about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want men to work with children, step 1 is to remove women from job that don't work with children.

Good point.

All the closeted sexists here who do not want / trust men working with children are reinforcing a belief; a belief they should be honest about; a belief they should think long and hard about. They believe:

“working with children is women’s work.”

Maybe some of you need to rethink your prejudices.

+1. In countries that value childcare (Scandinavian countries etc.), childcare workers are more often of both genders. We devalue care work in this country and part of that devaluing is considering it "women's work." I know fabulous male teachers and nurses, so maybe this is on its way out, but I don't think it's reached early childhood education yet.

That being said, I have a daughter and wouldn't hire a male babysitter, so I get it.

[Anonymous]

Why? Most people wouldn’t describe kids as gross and obnoxious. You have issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just watched a documentary about rampant sexual abuse in the Boy Scouts so this is freshly on my mind but I don’t think I trust people who want to work around kids.

I just guess I can’t understand their reasoning unless it’s nefarious?

The pay in these jobs is always very low and very rarely have good benefits. I just don’t believe people do it because they “love” other peoples kids. I love my kid, but not really anyone else’s. I don’t want them harmed of course but never would I willingly spend any amount of time with someone else’s kids. Kids are gross and obnoxious. The only reason I can see people putting up with it would be if they’re their kids or they’re paid incredibly well to put up with it.

And I don’t want to seem like I’m demonizing educators. I can somewhat understand the draw for teachers. I’m sure helping young people learn can give some people an internal, moral drive.

But I just can’t shake this suspicion of yeah, obviously volunteer based work like Cub Scout leaders or children’s swim coaches or any job where an adult chooses to spend a lot of time with children often without parents.

My baby is an infant and only is cared for by myself, my DH and my mother but at some point I’ll have to let her be under the care of someone else and it just really scares me.

We toured a daycare when DD was about 4 months old and I just thought… why would anyone work here? It seemed like hell and the pay was abysmal. My mind couldn’t shake the idea that these people just wanted access to my kid and it freaked me out.

Call me crazy, but think about it. What benefits are there?
Why would some 40-year-old choose to spend all day with other peoples kids making $15 an hour when they could have an easier job with adult interaction and make $18 an hour? I just can’t believe it’s a “goodness of their heart” thing. People don’t work like that.

I'm trying to be a gentle as I can possibly be when I say this to you -- you definitely seem to be suffering from undiagnosed anxiety... whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, doesn't make it any less true

Every hallmark is there -- look at the damaging language you use above... that's anxiety, and your anxiety makes you hyperfocus on certain topics/situations that disturb you greatly.

Thus, you've become your own worst enemy as far as your mental health is concerned... you are already so hyper-focused about sexual predators (to the point of obsession).
These intrusive thoughts are already invading your consciousness incessantly, however you're then using whatever little free time that your brain isn't fixated on predators, to then watch documentaries on sex abuse??

Your thoughts are already intrusive enough, why would you want to increase your anxiety even more?

Look, we're all parents, we're all terrified of predators and our children becoming victims, but you've taken it to an entirely new level of fixation.

You should really take an online evaluation to see where you land (like the link below).
Undiagnosed anxiety is super damaging, especially on our children, who will lean to live their formative years walking on eggshells as not to "trigger" mom.
When someone in the household suffered from anxiety, it affects everyone in the home... and not in a good way.
Anxiety permeates throughout every thought, action and your reaction.

When you have undiagnosed anxiety -- the household is always on edge, again making it impossible to have a true tight knit, rather it feels more like smothering.

Kids life that don't grow up with a close relationship with their parent, because it's difficult to get close to a parent with undiagnosed/untreated anxiety, as their reactions are unpredictable & frightening.

Undiagnosed anxiety causes people to fixate on their lack of control -- you can still be frightened & concerned for your child's happiness & well being without putting everyone around you on edge.

You'll never, ever have complete and total control over everything, no matter how much you try.

Whether you think you have anxiety or not is not what's important -- what is important, is that if you love your child as much as you say you do (and I believe that you do love your child) then you'll do this for THEM... rather than be dismissive of it due to your own vanity, pride and ego.

* FYI, the sheer number of statements you made about not liking other peoples kids (but you like your own) because kids are all so "gross and obnoxious", that you couldn't possibly envision adults wanting to work with them sheerly out of the "goodness of their heart", says far, FAR more about you and your perverse way of thinking, than you'll ever know.

Take the quiz, it can't hurt... do it for your future relationship with your child.

https://match.talkspace.com/flow/64/step/1?cta_source=unknown

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a bit ashamed to admit it - but childhood traumas and newsworthy events make me, if not suspicious - very cautious and I do feel a bit sexist in that I probably eyeball men harder than women.

I do not allow my child to be alone with another adult - no rides, no one-on-one excursions. Me or DH will be there too! Or give everyone rides. DH feels similar and takes it further in that he will not be alone with someone else's child - not because of what he may do but because he knows that is how a lot of people feel even if they don't say it outloud.

I admit it's sad - and tied to past hurt and real issues. But I have one child now an adult out of the house and it's worked for me. Waiting on second to be old enough for me not to worry so much.

Flame away but I'm trying to be honest for thread purposes.

Same.

I was sexually abused twice in my life and both times were by men in leadership positions (cheerleading coach & youth pastor).

I make sure my daughters are rarely alone with men. No private lessons with male coaches, no private tutoring with a male tutor, etc.

I feel sexist being overly cautious, but I'd rather have those negative feelings about myself than allow the opportunity for my daughters to be abused like I was.

Don’t let people gaslight you that this is sexist. It’s a fact that men are FAR more likely to be an abuser than a woman. You sound like a good parent and you did the right thing. No reason to have negative feelings about yourself. Every decent man I know would be understanding about your precautions. The ones who don’t get it are exactly the ones you should have an extra eye on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im a Cub Scout den leader. It isnt my regular job, it is a volunteer commitment. My kids wanted to do Cub Scouts and a den leader is necessary for every age. So I volunteered to be the den leader for one of them. I was background checked and have had to do youth protection training. I have also volunteered with the PTA and know many parents who volunteer as coaches, etc.

When your kiddo gets older you will realize that most activities, like the PTA, youth sports, scouts, etc. dont happen without parent volunteers. So we volunteer bc our love of our kids and our desire for them to be able to do an activity they love outweighs the annoyance factor inherent in any large group of children.

I trust other parents much more than I do people without kids.

I get how parents are forced into interacting with other peoples kids for their own kids.

This. There are other good reasons of course, and it really depends on the circumstances but I’m in this camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just watched a documentary about rampant sexual abuse in the Boy Scouts so this is freshly on my mind but I don’t think I trust people who want to work around kids.

I just guess I can’t understand their reasoning unless it’s nefarious?

The pay in these jobs is always very low and very rarely have good benefits. I just don’t believe people do it because they “love” other peoples kids. I love my kid, but not really anyone else’s. I don’t want them harmed of course but never would I willingly spend any amount of time with someone else’s kids. Kids are gross and obnoxious. The only reason I can see people putting up with it would be if they’re their kids or they’re paid incredibly well to put up with it.

And I don’t want to seem like I’m demonizing educators. I can somewhat understand the draw for teachers. I’m sure helping young people learn can give some people an internal, moral drive.

But I just can’t shake this suspicion of yeah, obviously volunteer based work like Cub Scout leaders or children’s swim coaches or any job where an adult chooses to spend a lot of time with children often without parents.

My baby is an infant and only is cared for by myself, my DH and my mother but at some point I’ll have to let her be under the care of someone else and it just really scares me.

We toured a daycare when DD was about 4 months old and I just thought… why would anyone work here? It seemed like hell and the pay was abysmal. My mind couldn’t shake the idea that these people just wanted access to my kid and it freaked me out.

Call me crazy, but think about it. What benefits are there? Why would some 40-year-old choose to spend all day with other peoples kids making $15 an hour when they could have an easier job with adult interaction and make $18 an hour? I just can’t believe it’s a “goodness of their heart” thing. People don’t work like that.

Like a lot of situations, some people do things for the right reasons and others do not. In this day and age, I think the most effective answer is more surveillance, increased accountability, and records of email/text etc. Safesport requires common sense safeguards like no private texts/emails between kids and coaches, but they also hold bystanders accountable. If you are a coach or official and witness potential abuse and don’t report it, you can be held liable.

I also think there should be regular reviews of personnel by a neutral party. The md who was abusing USA women’s gymnasts is an extreme example. As an md mom who only watches gymnastics once every four years, if someone had shown me Larry Nassar’s cv and long history with USA gymnastics, I would have been suspicious. He was a do, not an md, had originally trained in family medicine and really did not seem qualified. He started off as a volunteer and sounds like he attached himself to a well known coach and rode his coattails to get appointed to the national team.

My former boarding school had a come to Jesus moment when they discovered past sexual abuse by former teachers. One of their takeaways was that coaches and teachers who travel with students require greater scrutiny and safeguards because they have so much opportunity and leverage to abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just watched a documentary about rampant sexual abuse in the Boy Scouts so this is freshly on my mind but I don’t think I trust people who want to work around kids.

I just guess I can’t understand their reasoning unless it’s nefarious?

The pay in these jobs is always very low and very rarely have good benefits. I just don’t believe people do it because they “love” other peoples kids. I love my kid, but not really anyone else’s. I don’t want them harmed of course but never would I willingly spend any amount of time with someone else’s kids. Kids are gross and obnoxious. The only reason I can see people putting up with it would be if they’re their kids or they’re paid incredibly well to put up with it.

And I don’t want to seem like I’m demonizing educators. I can somewhat understand the draw for teachers. I’m sure helping young people learn can give some people an internal, moral drive.

But I just can’t shake this suspicion of yeah, obviously volunteer based work like Cub Scout leaders or children’s swim coaches or any job where an adult chooses to spend a lot of time with children often without parents.

My baby is an infant and only is cared for by myself, my DH and my mother but at some point I’ll have to let her be under the care of someone else and it just really scares me.

We toured a daycare when DD was about 4 months old and I just thought… why would anyone work here? It seemed like hell and the pay was abysmal. My mind couldn’t shake the idea that these people just wanted access to my kid and it freaked me out.

Call me crazy, but think about it. What benefits are there? Why would some 40-year-old choose to spend all day with other peoples kids making $15 an hour when they could have an easier job with adult interaction and make $18 an hour? I just can’t believe it’s a “goodness of their heart” thing. People don’t work like that.

Like a lot of situations, some people do things for the right reasons and others do not. In this day and age, I think the most effective answer is more surveillance, increased accountability, and records of email/text etc. Safesport requires common sense safeguards like no private texts/emails between kids and coaches, but they also hold bystanders accountable. If you are a coach or official and witness potential abuse and don’t report it, you can be held liable.

I also think there should be regular reviews of personnel by a neutral party. The md who was abusing USA women’s gymnasts is an extreme example. As an md mom who only watches gymnastics once every four years, if someone had shown me Larry Nassar’s cv and long history with USA gymnastics, I would have been suspicious. He was a do, not an md, had originally trained in family medicine and really did not seem qualified. He started off as a volunteer and sounds like he attached himself to a well known coach and rode his coattails to get appointed to the national team.

My former boarding school had a come to Jesus moment when they discovered past sexual abuse by former teachers. One of their takeaways was that coaches and teachers who travel with students require greater scrutiny and safeguards because they have so much opportunity and leverage to abuse.

Agree, except there’s no such thing as a neutral party anymore. Everything unfortunately has been weaponized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a master's degree in an allied health field and work with kids. I really hope to God that people don't think that way of me. I think kids can be funny and I wanted to make a positive impact, but this is not my first choice in careers. I didn't get into this for any ulterior motive. This kind of question makes me question my career decision.

Don’t question your decision based on OP who is suffering from paranoia and anxiety. It’s not as though kids can just raise themselves or only ever interact w their own parents/grandparents so someone has got to take jobs working with kids. It’s important that the people who choose to work with kids are passionate about their work and love children.

Op, would you prefer your kid has teachers, coaches, etc who hate kids? Why are you so suspicious of someone enjoying working w children? We need people who love working w kids to take those jobs for our society to function.

exaxtly. Bye bye society if no one took these jobs

[Anonymous]

Op is doing a lot of damage to her kid by having this overbearing mindset as her kid will be sneaking out windows and rebelling, for sure.

[Anonymous]

I worked as a nanny for 15 years (and do it part time now on a case by case basis) and I truly do enjoy working with kids. I enjoy going to parks and choosing how we spend the day w/o being micromanaged by a boss. I enjoy going to museums and zoos and other outings. I enjoy playing with playdoh and doing baking projects. How is it so hard to understand that different people enjoy different things and are good at different things?

Would I enjoy working in a daycare center or preschool? No way. I'd hate it, but introverted me really enjoys the small group setting and self-paced day of nannying.

My degrees are in the liberal arts so nannying also pays better than most things I'd qualify for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there were more men who worked with children. Having a virtually a female only environment in elementary is too much, IMO. Kids need more male role models, both girls and boys.

This thread will keep men thinking about working with children away from those jobs. I completely agree with ya. I’ve been a camp counselor, coach and teacher and it’s been said a million times here but we have extremely naive parents around here. Stats tell ya to pay closer attention to grandpa, or your kid’s uncle, not someone fielding baseballs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we want to stop being the victims of sexism, we need to start by examining our own sexist views.

I am talking to you, OP.

In fairness to OP, I don’t think she’s sexist: she seems equally suspicious of everyone who claims to like interacting with kids, regardless of gender.

98.5% of sexual crimes are committed by males. This is a factual statement. It’s not sexism to acknowledge reality and incorporate this reality in your personal evaluation of risk.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter and we only used male babysitters.

The facts are women are more like to physically abuse children than males. You are either going to have to trust your instincts or never trust anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we want to stop being the victims of sexism, we need to start by examining our own sexist views.

I am talking to you, OP.

In fairness to OP, I don’t think she’s sexist: she seems equally suspicious of everyone who claims to like interacting with kids, regardless of gender.

98.5% of sexual crimes are committed by males. This is a factual statement. It’s not sexism to acknowledge reality and incorporate this reality in your personal evaluation of risk.

not the person you’re responding too, but you’re missing a big part of the equation. Most of the males in that 98 percent are in your own family.