How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

That’s just nonsense. You don’t need to be jetting off to Tahiti kid free to have a full and enriching life. For example a woman who plays an instrument for pleasure, volunteers every other Sunday at a food kitchen and goes to a monthly book club with her girlfriends to chat about books and drink some wine could easily see her life as full and enriching, and that in no way takes away from her as a mom. It may require a supportive spouse but it doesn’t require wealth.

Do you know how many single parents are out there? I'd love to be able to do things outside of my kids but I don't have the money. I work 2-3 jobs just to be able to afford to live.

Not every post relates to every single situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

I’ve done this. Warning that other mothers are threatened and won’t like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

That’s just nonsense. You don’t need to be jetting off to Tahiti kid free to have a full and enriching life. For example a woman who plays an instrument for pleasure, volunteers every other Sunday at a food kitchen and goes to a monthly book club with her girlfriends to chat about books and drink some wine could easily see her life as full and enriching, and that in no way takes away from her as a mom. It may require a supportive spouse but it doesn’t require wealth.

I agree with you and I think this was one of the PP’s mistakes. If she’d said “I think it’s valuable to have a life outside your kids, whether that’s a hobby, friendships, alone time or all of the above,” I don’t think there would have been push back.

But phrasing it as “you must have a full life outside your kids” and then focusing on stuff like kid-free travel, lots of date nights, etc., just made it sound like an out of touch rich person. Any parent can carve out space for themselves, even if it’s just treating yourself to a good book after the kids go to bed or taking an online class or trading playdates with another parent so you can exercise or see a movie. But the vast majority of parents can’t do kid-free travel or hire a sitter multiple nights a week. Some can’t even get their spouse to take the kids for the night (long hours or they are a single parent or their spouse is just a selfish jerk). But anyone can read a book or adopt a hobby.

That wasn’t the PP I was responding to, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of it…until a year ago, when I found a sport I enjoyed outside of the house. We joined a club, and now my husband is in charge of the kids 3x a week and I play said sport for 2 hours. It has done wonders for me and my relationship with my whole family. Sure, I had friends I would text and do girls outings with occassionally, but having a set thing I do several times a week at a time that is not 4:30 AM on my Peloton has been life changing.

I practice yoga a few times/wk at a studio and feel the same way. Having something that is just for me has been amazing for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

But this thread is just engaging in a different kind of arms race. Instead of being the perfect mom, it’s being the perfect person— perfectly balancing parenting with a fulfilling career, active social life, hobbies, and personal fulfillment. It’s the same BS as always, where we set the bar insanely high for women and then keep changing the rules in them.

My mom was a middle class SAHM (she married at 19 and never got a college degree) and she was pretty much enslaved to her kids and home. I think this is true of many women throughout history. Whereas dads only recently got involved in the service of parenting. So the arms race of motherhood is NOT a recent phenomenon.

Unlike my mom, I got a college degree and graduate degree, didn’t marry or have a kid until my mid-30s. I’ve had a hard time finding balance as a mom, and its partly because I have no role model for it. My mom was a martyr but not out of choice. I can sometimes fall into mommy martyrdom and have to watch it, but I also find the expectations of others sometimes push me into it too— the exacting high standards of modern parenting that largely fall on women. But then the expectation on top of that to be successful at work AND have a social life and a “full, enriching” life outside parenting.

It feels like a game designed to ensure I can’t rest, and will be judged harshly no matter what I do. Like even if I successfully balance family and work, I’ll get judged for not also being well read and having an active social life and playing pickle ball? But of course, if I do all those thing and it impacts my kid, I’ll be judged an inadequate mother. If I let work slip then I’m either bad at my job or (if I take a mommy track job) not living up to my potential. Oh, and if my job isn’t deeply fulfilling (while also never exceeding 40 hours) then I guess I’ve failed at that too.

So my radical contribution to this thread is this: it doesn’t matter to ME how you do it. I don’t think you need to strike the perfect balance. It’s okay if you don’t have hobbies. Maybe you find parenting sufficiently fulfilling to not need them. Maybe you would rather focus on work. Maybe you have limitations like a crap partner, financial limitations, or you’re just tired, and therefore life is about surviving not thriving right now. That’s a-ok with me. I don’t think you need the perfect balance, a fulfilling career, or a hobby to get it right. You getting by? Good for you— they don’t make that easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

But this thread is just engaging in a different kind of arms race. Instead of being the perfect mom, it’s being the perfect person— perfectly balancing parenting with a fulfilling career, active social life, hobbies, and personal fulfillment. It’s the same BS as always, where we set the bar insanely high for women and then keep changing the rules in them.

Such an overreaction to what people are saying, which is that you can’t lose your identity as a woman and individual when you are a parent,and that it’s valuable to maintain your own interests and relationships. You don’t need to be a martyr to be a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

But this thread is just engaging in a different kind of arms race. Instead of being the perfect mom, it’s being the perfect person— perfectly balancing parenting with a fulfilling career, active social life, hobbies, and personal fulfillment. It’s the same BS as always, where we set the bar insanely high for women and then keep changing the rules in them.

Such an overreaction to what people are saying, which is that you can’t lose your identity as a woman and individual when you are a parent,and that it’s valuable to maintain your own interests and relationships. You don’t need to be a martyr to be a mother.

+1. Also, "throughout much of history women were enslaved to their kids/home" is just not accurate. Pre-birth control, women had lots of children so not a lot of individual attention, and the households required kids to do chores or older kids to take care of younger kids. And if you've watched Mad Men, you know how attentive typical 1950s moms were (yes, Betty Draper is richer than the average 1950s housewife, but my middle-class grandma also let her kids sit in playpens all day while she played bridge with the neighbor ladies).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

But this thread is just engaging in a different kind of arms race. Instead of being the perfect mom, it’s being the perfect person— perfectly balancing parenting with a fulfilling career, active social life, hobbies, and personal fulfillment. It’s the same BS as always, where we set the bar insanely high for women and then keep changing the rules in them.

My mom was a middle class SAHM (she married at 19 and never got a college degree) and she was pretty much enslaved to her kids and home. I think this is true of many women throughout history. Whereas dads only recently got involved in the service of parenting. So the arms race of motherhood is NOT a recent phenomenon.

Unlike my mom, I got a college degree and graduate degree, didn’t marry or have a kid until my mid-30s. I’ve had a hard time finding balance as a mom, and its partly because I have no role model for it. My mom was a martyr but not out of choice. I can sometimes fall into mommy martyrdom and have to watch it, but I also find the expectations of others sometimes push me into it too— the exacting high standards of modern parenting that largely fall on women. But then the expectation on top of that to be successful at work AND have a social life and a “full, enriching” life outside parenting.

It feels like a game designed to ensure I can’t rest, and will be judged harshly no matter what I do. Like even if I successfully balance family and work, I’ll get judged for not also being well read and having an active social life and playing pickle ball? But of course, if I do all those thing and it impacts my kid, I’ll be judged an inadequate mother. If I let work slip then I’m either bad at my job or (if I take a mommy track job) not living up to my potential. Oh, and if my job isn’t deeply fulfilling (while also never exceeding 40 hours) then I guess I’ve failed at that too.

So my radical contribution to this thread is this: it doesn’t matter to ME how you do it. I don’t think you need to strike the perfect balance. It’s okay if you don’t have hobbies. Maybe you find parenting sufficiently fulfilling to not need them. Maybe you would rather focus on work. Maybe you have limitations like a crap partner, financial limitations, or you’re just tired, and therefore life is about surviving not thriving right now. That’s a-ok with me. I don’t think you need the perfect balance, a fulfilling career, or a hobby to get it right. You getting by? Good for you— they don’t make that easy.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

I’ve done this. Warning that other mothers are threatened and won’t like you.

Yes, those are very insecure parents who themselves strive to keep up with the Joneses. You have to be strong enough to see through it and do what's best for you and your situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of it…until a year ago, when I found a sport I enjoyed outside of the house. We joined a club, and now my husband is in charge of the kids 3x a week and I play said sport for 2 hours. It has done wonders for me and my relationship with my whole family. Sure, I had friends I would text and do girls outings with occassionally, but having a set thing I do several times a week at a time that is not 4:30 AM on my Peloton has been life changing.

Same!

Of course my sport doesn't enrich me the same way my family does, but I have friends I have met through that, I do get fulfillment from it, I compete and that makes me work hard and then have to perform, etc. It provides richness to my life in a way that is different from what I get from my kids, my husband, my job, and my friends. It's not really an either/or scenario, it's just a different method of fulfillment.

To the people saying I must be a negligent parent, feel free to ask my kids how they feel about it. I'm pretty sure they'd disagree. And I'll keep my opinions about you to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

That’s just nonsense. You don’t need to be jetting off to Tahiti kid free to have a full and enriching life. For example a woman who plays an instrument for pleasure, volunteers every other Sunday at a food kitchen and goes to a monthly book club with her girlfriends to chat about books and drink some wine could easily see her life as full and enriching, and that in no way takes away from her as a mom. It may require a supportive spouse but it doesn’t require wealth.

On that boundaries thread so many women called the OP a terrible mother for taking a few hours off from her kid on a Saturday to exercise.

Because those shrews were jealous (although they'd never admit it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

But this thread is just engaging in a different kind of arms race. Instead of being the perfect mom, it’s being the perfect person— perfectly balancing parenting with a fulfilling career, active social life, hobbies, and personal fulfillment. It’s the same BS as always, where we set the bar insanely high for women and then keep changing the rules in them.

My mom was a middle class SAHM (she married at 19 and never got a college degree) and she was pretty much enslaved to her kids and home. I think this is true of many women throughout history. Whereas dads only recently got involved in the service of parenting. So the arms race of motherhood is NOT a recent phenomenon.

Unlike my mom, I got a college degree and graduate degree, didn’t marry or have a kid until my mid-30s. I’ve had a hard time finding balance as a mom, and its partly because I have no role model for it. My mom was a martyr but not out of choice. I can sometimes fall into mommy martyrdom and have to watch it, but I also find the expectations of others sometimes push me into it too— the exacting high standards of modern parenting that largely fall on women. But then the expectation on top of that to be successful at work AND have a social life and a “full, enriching” life outside parenting.

It feels like a game designed to ensure I can’t rest, and will be judged harshly no matter what I do. Like even if I successfully balance family and work, I’ll get judged for not also being well read and having an active social life and playing pickle ball? But of course, if I do all those thing and it impacts my kid, I’ll be judged an inadequate mother. If I let work slip then I’m either bad at my job or (if I take a mommy track job) not living up to my potential. Oh, and if my job isn’t deeply fulfilling (while also never exceeding 40 hours) then I guess I’ve failed at that too.

So my radical contribution to this thread is this: it doesn’t matter to ME how you do it. I don’t think you need to strike the perfect balance. It’s okay if you don’t have hobbies. Maybe you find parenting sufficiently fulfilling to not need them. Maybe you would rather focus on work. Maybe you have limitations like a crap partner, financial limitations, or you’re just tired, and therefore life is about surviving not thriving right now. That’s a-ok with me. I don’t think you need the perfect balance, a fulfilling career, or a hobby to get it right. You getting by? Good for you— they don’t make that easy.

WHO CARES?!?!?

Seriously, who are these people who are judging you and why do you care what they think about you?

I'm content with all the choices I have made for my life, how we fed our babies, how my marriage works, how I spend my time, etc. So I couldn't care less what you or anyone else (save my husband and children) thinks about it. Why would I? It's flabbergasting to me that people let others make them feel guilty.

You know who doesn't care about this stuff? You know who doesn't get all bent out of shape about what people are going to think of them? Men. So be more like that. Get some therapy or read some books and live your life the way YOU want to live it. I promise, it's way more fun than worrying about Jan judging you for feeding your kid formula or stressing that Cindy tsk tsked you when you discussed your weekend away with your friends or panicking because Melissa thinks being a stay at home mom means you're worthless.

If it works for you, then good for you, DO THAT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

But this thread is just engaging in a different kind of arms race. Instead of being the perfect mom, it’s being the perfect person— perfectly balancing parenting with a fulfilling career, active social life, hobbies, and personal fulfillment. It’s the same BS as always, where we set the bar insanely high for women and then keep changing the rules in them.

My mom was a middle class SAHM (she married at 19 and never got a college degree) and she was pretty much enslaved to her kids and home. I think this is true of many women throughout history. Whereas dads only recently got involved in the service of parenting. So the arms race of motherhood is NOT a recent phenomenon.

Unlike my mom, I got a college degree and graduate degree, didn’t marry or have a kid until my mid-30s. I’ve had a hard time finding balance as a mom, and its partly because I have no role model for it. My mom was a martyr but not out of choice. I can sometimes fall into mommy martyrdom and have to watch it, but I also find the expectations of others sometimes push me into it too— the exacting high standards of modern parenting that largely fall on women. But then the expectation on top of that to be successful at work AND have a social life and a “full, enriching” life outside parenting.

It feels like a game designed to ensure I can’t rest, and will be judged harshly no matter what I do. Like even if I successfully balance family and work, I’ll get judged for not also being well read and having an active social life and playing pickle ball? But of course, if I do all those thing and it impacts my kid, I’ll be judged an inadequate mother. If I let work slip then I’m either bad at my job or (if I take a mommy track job) not living up to my potential. Oh, and if my job isn’t deeply fulfilling (while also never exceeding 40 hours) then I guess I’ve failed at that too.

So my radical contribution to this thread is this: it doesn’t matter to ME how you do it. I don’t think you need to strike the perfect balance. It’s okay if you don’t have hobbies. Maybe you find parenting sufficiently fulfilling to not need them. Maybe you would rather focus on work. Maybe you have limitations like a crap partner, financial limitations, or you’re just tired, and therefore life is about surviving not thriving right now. That’s a-ok with me. I don’t think you need the perfect balance, a fulfilling career, or a hobby to get it right. You getting by? Good for you— they don’t make that easy.

WHO CARES?!?!?

Seriously, who are these people who are judging you and why do you care what they think about you?

I'm content with all the choices I have made for my life, how we fed our babies, how my marriage works, how I spend my time, etc. So I couldn't care less what you or anyone else (save my husband and children) thinks about it. Why would I? It's flabbergasting to me that people let others make them feel guilty.

You know who doesn't care about this stuff? You know who doesn't get all bent out of shape about what people are going to think of them? Men. So be more like that. Get some therapy or read some books and live your life the way YOU want to live it. I promise, it's way more fun than worrying about Jan judging you for feeding your kid formula or stressing that Cindy tsk tsked you when you discussed your weekend away with your friends or panicking because Melissa thinks being a stay at home mom means you're worthless.

If it works for you, then good for you, DO THAT!

DP - your post reads as very judgmental. I’m guessing that wasn’t your intent, but scolding people for caring about this stuff isn’t helpful. You’re doing the thing PP is protesting: judging someone harshly for doing something different than you, in this case, having feelings about something you claim not to care about. Having feelings is part of the human condition, even if they’re not the feelings you would have in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

But this thread is just engaging in a different kind of arms race. Instead of being the perfect mom, it’s being the perfect person— perfectly balancing parenting with a fulfilling career, active social life, hobbies, and personal fulfillment. It’s the same BS as always, where we set the bar insanely high for women and then keep changing the rules in them.

My mom was a middle class SAHM (she married at 19 and never got a college degree) and she was pretty much enslaved to her kids and home. I think this is true of many women throughout history. Whereas dads only recently got involved in the service of parenting. So the arms race of motherhood is NOT a recent phenomenon.

Unlike my mom, I got a college degree and graduate degree, didn’t marry or have a kid until my mid-30s. I’ve had a hard time finding balance as a mom, and its partly because I have no role model for it. My mom was a martyr but not out of choice. I can sometimes fall into mommy martyrdom and have to watch it, but I also find the expectations of others sometimes push me into it too— the exacting high standards of modern parenting that largely fall on women. But then the expectation on top of that to be successful at work AND have a social life and a “full, enriching” life outside parenting.

It feels like a game designed to ensure I can’t rest, and will be judged harshly no matter what I do. Like even if I successfully balance family and work, I’ll get judged for not also being well read and having an active social life and playing pickle ball? But of course, if I do all those thing and it impacts my kid, I’ll be judged an inadequate mother. If I let work slip then I’m either bad at my job or (if I take a mommy track job) not living up to my potential. Oh, and if my job isn’t deeply fulfilling (while also never exceeding 40 hours) then I guess I’ve failed at that too.

So my radical contribution to this thread is this: it doesn’t matter to ME how you do it. I don’t think you need to strike the perfect balance. It’s okay if you don’t have hobbies. Maybe you find parenting sufficiently fulfilling to not need them. Maybe you would rather focus on work. Maybe you have limitations like a crap partner, financial limitations, or you’re just tired, and therefore life is about surviving not thriving right now. That’s a-ok with me. I don’t think you need the perfect balance, a fulfilling career, or a hobby to get it right. You getting by? Good for you— they don’t make that easy.

WHO CARES?!?!?

Seriously, who are these people who are judging you and why do you care what they think about you?

I'm content with all the choices I have made for my life, how we fed our babies, how my marriage works, how I spend my time, etc. So I couldn't care less what you or anyone else (save my husband and children) thinks about it. Why would I? It's flabbergasting to me that people let others make them feel guilty.

You know who doesn't care about this stuff? You know who doesn't get all bent out of shape about what people are going to think of them? Men. So be more like that. Get some therapy or read some books and live your life the way YOU want to live it. I promise, it's way more fun than worrying about Jan judging you for feeding your kid formula or stressing that Cindy tsk tsked you when you discussed your weekend away with your friends or panicking because Melissa thinks being a stay at home mom means you're worthless.

If it works for you, then good for you, DO THAT!

DP - your post reads as very judgmental. I’m guessing that wasn’t your intent, but scolding people for caring about this stuff isn’t helpful. You’re doing the thing PP is protesting: judging someone harshly for doing something different than you, in this case, having feelings about something you claim not to care about. Having feelings is part of the human condition, even if they’re not the feelings you would have in this situation.

Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And then in an instant, they're gone.

Empty nester here still trying to figure out how it all happened so fast. What's the saying....the days are long but the years are fast. Not that anyone wants to hear this but, find a way to enjoy the chaos. It's fleeting.

This. I have two teens. I am holding on to each day with both hands. I love all the parts of my day that revolve around them.