How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will get worse. We have activities around the clock. They are 11 and 13. You will get sucked in... so brace yourself.

This is a choice!

Not all of us make this choice.

Yes and no. We are not a super scheduled/programmed family and have never signed kids up for activities just because. But as kids get older, I’ve realized that a major reason activities are such a big thing now (as opposed to when we were kids) is the way school has changed. School is more academic, with far less sports and arts, especially in the elementary grades. There is also less time for socializing, with shorter recesses and lunch and less free time in the classroom.

So what I used to see as optional or overzealous in terms of after school activities, I now view differently. Fir younger kids, it’s fine for them to just be home or in aftercare. But by 2nd grade, they want/need time with peers, and their peers aren’t at home or aftercare. They are in activities. You also start to worry about the sedentary nature of school, or the fact that a lot of the stuff you had in elementary (I had PE, chorus, and violin, all as part of the curriculum and chorus and PE were year round and pretty robust programs) is no longer funded to that degree in many schools. It gets shifted into after school programming because the school day has to focus on academics in order to keep test scores high.

So much of this is less in your control than you think. The system is now focused toward more activities. You can fight the system and get some time back. But there will be a cost for your kids, and it may not be an easy one.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 13, 10, and 7 - and other posters are correct, especially if you have kids involved in extracurriculars!

There's so much driving around, but also making sure they're on top of homework, have stuff they need, etc (and watching all the activities!)

That said, my 13 year old has all of a sudden become so much more responsible/mature, which has helped a ton.

BUt yep - just buckle up and try to enjoy this time! I already feel like things are slipping away from me.

At those ages if you're still checking homework, you've failed to teach your kids responsibility and accountability, which is your role as a parent. My kids are the same ages and the only one that I make sure she has "stuff she needs" is the 7 yo. The others are responsible for themselves. If they need something for school or birthday party, etc they order it online. They have their own bank cards and allowances for this. We've been teaching them fiscal responsibility since birth. The 7 yo is not quite there yet.

PP you've made your bed by not giving your kids the knowledge and freedom to do for themselves, not to mention letting them make mistakes when the stakes are low. Your job is now harder and your kids are less prepared than mine.

These threads bring out the worst people.

Just a heads up— most parents who care about their kids education are still checking with their 10 and 13 yr old on school work. Probably not looking over every answer, but asking how it’s going, do they have some, and providing some help/guidance on larger projects.

Also, I started teaching my kids about fiscal responsibility early— allowance starts summer after they turn 5 and they have savings accounts and an I estment account and get spending money. But this does not save me time, especially with elementary age kids. It’s more work. Teaching young kids about money, answering their questions, working with them to set up accounts and allocate money… it’s not a set it and forget it activity. It’s years of guidance.

Also, your comment assumes kids who have great executive functioning skills and take to things quickly. Not all kids are like that. If yours are, count your blessings and stop being rude to people whose kids need more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will get worse. We have activities around the clock. They are 11 and 13. You will get sucked in... so brace yourself.

This is a choice!

Not all of us make this choice.

Yes and no. We are not a super scheduled/programmed family and have never signed kids up for activities just because. But as kids get older, I’ve realized that a major reason activities are such a big thing now (as opposed to when we were kids) is the way school has changed. School is more academic, with far less sports and arts, especially in the elementary grades. There is also less time for socializing, with shorter recesses and lunch and less free time in the classroom.

So what I used to see as optional or overzealous in terms of after school activities, I now view differently. Fir younger kids, it’s fine for them to just be home or in aftercare. But by 2nd grade, they want/need time with peers, and their peers aren’t at home or aftercare. They are in activities. You also start to worry about the sedentary nature of school, or the fact that a lot of the stuff you had in elementary (I had PE, chorus, and violin, all as part of the curriculum and chorus and PE were year round and pretty robust programs) is no longer funded to that degree in many schools. It gets shifted into after school programming because the school day has to focus on academics in order to keep test scores high.

So much of this is less in your control than you think. The system is now focused toward more activities. You can fight the system and get some time back. But there will be a cost for your kids, and it may not be an easy one.

NP and mom of three (11, 9, 7) - the focus on activities varies enormously by school/area, often related to SES. My kids’ peers are mostly still in aftercare, so it gives them active time and friend time. There are options for afterschool activities, too - sports, art, music, programming, etc, again with peers. And plenty of kids in elementary do go home after school, or hang out with friends or whatever.

Developmentally, it’s helpful for kids to be exposed to different things and new people. But there are SO many ways to do that beyond activities with rigid schedules. Mostly, people who’ve bought into that culture, around youth sports especially, think there’s no other way, but there is. You may choose otherwise, but thinking that you MUST enroll your kids in sports, music, etc. or doom will befall them is… not accurate.

Much of our family life revolves around our kids, but DH and I are clear that we have other priorities, too: our work (which pays the bills), daily exercise for both of us (an hour, nothing crazy, but important for our health), family meal time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.

The PP made this statement that I think is toxic for women in particular: “Parents should have full, enriching lives outside of their children regardless of the age of the child.”

And then went on to say that if people aren’t accomplishing this, it’s their own fault for over scheduling their kids. This is just the same, toxic “you can have it all!” BS that some of us have been fight for years. Only worse, because it’s not just that you should be a great mom and kicking butt in a full time job, but now if you aren’t ALSO successfully maintaining all your friendships, working out, pushing a hobby, getting in some solo travel, and enjoying regular “me time,” well obviously this is your own fault for enrolling your child in swim lessons AND soccer (never mind that the pediatrician harasses you about making sure your kid learns to swim yesterday and your kid begged for soccer).

Acting like this is accessible to most people and that if you don’t have it, you messed up somewhere is obnoxious. I’d be happy for the PP if she’d framed this as “I’ve been lucky to do this,” but I stead she took this scolding tone of “oh anyone can do this if you try.” Seriously: f*** right off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM, but pretty much all. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping during the day, and homework in the afternoons then we are often at games or practices until 9:30 at night.

BS. You are not spending SIX HOURS every day cooking cleaning and laundry while kids are in school.

You certainly have leisure time in there, maybe yoga class or gym time?

DP here. You hit the nail on the head, pp!

Yes, most SAHMs have a great life especially in DMV. Usually they are in UMC or wealthy houeholds and their paychecks are not needed for a good lifestyle. They can outsource a lot of stuff and create time for leisure and opportunities for their families.

I am a SAHM with twice a week cleaning help. My DH also helps at home with cooking and anything that needs doing, though he is happy that I am able to outsource most chores and he and kids return to a smooth running and stressfree home. A lot of my time when kids are in school, goes in research and prep to accelerate and expand my kids educational and EC opportunities. Everything gets done with an eye towards their mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. The research, planning and execution takes up quite a bit of my time.

we also have a very busy social life and entertain a lot. It helps to socialize my kids so that they are surrounded by family, friends neighbors etc and they learn how to host and form connections. Our focus is on family time and I make sure that most of the household chores and errands are done before the kids come home. we get leisure time as a family. I am not seeking solo leisure time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.

The PP made this statement that I think is toxic for women in particular: “Parents should have full, enriching lives outside of their children regardless of the age of the child.”

And then went on to say that if people aren’t accomplishing this, it’s their own fault for over scheduling their kids. This is just the same, toxic “you can have it all!” BS that some of us have been fight for years. Only worse, because it’s not just that you should be a great mom and kicking butt in a full time job, but now if you aren’t ALSO successfully maintaining all your friendships, working out, pushing a hobby, getting in some solo travel, and enjoying regular “me time,” well obviously this is your own fault for enrolling your child in swim lessons AND soccer (never mind that the pediatrician harasses you about making sure your kid learns to swim yesterday and your kid begged for soccer).

Acting like this is accessible to most people and that if you don’t have it, you messed up somewhere is obnoxious. I’d be happy for the PP if she’d framed this as “I’ve been lucky to do this,” but I stead she took this scolding tone of “oh anyone can do this if you try.” Seriously: f*** right off.

Oh, chill. You are just jealous. Rich women worked hard at school and college and married well-off men too. They are reaping the rewards now.

[Anonymous]

As a sahm I feel my life is better, easier and richer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.

The PP made this statement that I think is toxic for women in particular: “Parents should have full, enriching lives outside of their children regardless of the age of the child.”

And then went on to say that if people aren’t accomplishing this, it’s their own fault for over scheduling their kids. This is just the same, toxic “you can have it all!” BS that some of us have been fight for years. Only worse, because it’s not just that you should be a great mom and kicking butt in a full time job, but now if you aren’t ALSO successfully maintaining all your friendships, working out, pushing a hobby, getting in some solo travel, and enjoying regular “me time,” well obviously this is your own fault for enrolling your child in swim lessons AND soccer (never mind that the pediatrician harasses you about making sure your kid learns to swim yesterday and your kid begged for soccer).

Acting like this is accessible to most people and that if you don’t have it, you messed up somewhere is obnoxious. I’d be happy for the PP if she’d framed this as “I’ve been lucky to do this,” but I stead she took this scolding tone of “oh anyone can do this if you try.” Seriously: f*** right off.

Oh, chill. You are just jealous. Rich women worked hard at school and college and married well-off men too. They are reaping the rewards now.

No, “just jealous” is being mad someone has something you don’t. I’m not mad about that.

I’m annoyed when people give advice to other people by pretending they are “just folks” when in reality they are wealthy. If you are wealthy, own it. “I have lots of free time and it’s great, I recommend it.” Cool, that sounds awesome.

PP is going out if her way to claim she is NOT wealthy but somehow has this weird job where she barely works (but it’s very fulfilling) can travel extensively with her family and also solo and sans kid, has a short commute, spouse who works a 9-5, AND has no help other than once a month babysitting from family and the occasional date night sitter.

And then she is claiming that if you don’t have this, it’s because you signed your kids up for too many activities.

If she’s rich (I’m betting she is, the math does not add up), just say that! Don’t assert that every one should be like you or you’ve figured some trick ou about parenting when in reality you have privileges very few people have.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.

The PP made this statement that I think is toxic for women in particular: “Parents should have full, enriching lives outside of their children regardless of the age of the child.”

And then went on to say that if people aren’t accomplishing this, it’s their own fault for over scheduling their kids. This is just the same, toxic “you can have it all!” BS that some of us have been fight for years. Only worse, because it’s not just that you should be a great mom and kicking butt in a full time job, but now if you aren’t ALSO successfully maintaining all your friendships, working out, pushing a hobby, getting in some solo travel, and enjoying regular “me time,” well obviously this is your own fault for enrolling your child in swim lessons AND soccer (never mind that the pediatrician harasses you about making sure your kid learns to swim yesterday and your kid begged for soccer).

Acting like this is accessible to most people and that if you don’t have it, you messed up somewhere is obnoxious. I’d be happy for the PP if she’d framed this as “I’ve been lucky to do this,” but I stead she took this scolding tone of “oh anyone can do this if you try.” Seriously: f*** right off.

Oh, chill. You are just jealous. Rich women worked hard at school and college and married well-off men too. They are reaping the rewards now.

No, “just jealous” is being mad someone has something you don’t. I’m not mad about that.

I’m annoyed when people give advice to other people by pretending they are “just folks” when in reality they are wealthy. If you are wealthy, own it. “I have lots of free time and it’s great, I recommend it.” Cool, that sounds awesome.

PP is going out if her way to claim she is NOT wealthy but somehow has this weird job where she barely works (but it’s very fulfilling) can travel extensively with her family and also solo and sans kid, has a short commute, spouse who works a 9-5, AND has no help other than once a month babysitting from family and the occasional date night sitter.

And then she is claiming that if you don’t have this, it’s because you signed your kids up for too many activities.

If she’s rich (I’m betting she is, the math does not add up), just say that! Don’t assert that every one should be like you or you’ve figured some trick ou about parenting when in reality you have privileges very few people have.

NP. I don’t buy that you need to be wealthy to have a fulfilling life even with kids. Date nights can be chats over wine after the kids go to bed. You can take the kids with you to the library and read on your own time, while they are reading or at bed. You can travel with and without the kids, both luxuriously and more modestly. You can join a Y with childcare to work out on weekends, separately from your kids. None of this requires you to be rich.

I think the PP is making the valid point that you need to have enrichment that is yours and separate from your spouse and your kids. That’s healthy as a woman, and healthy for your marriage for when the kids leave the nest. Motherhood doesn’t mean you can’t maintain friendships, travel, hobbies even if might look different depending on your individual situation including career.

[Anonymous]

We have three kids the exact same ages and both parents work. Yep this is the reality! We let the kids do all the activities, so it’s constant running around. We are all pretty high energy and the family seems to thrive in chaos, but secretly love a Saturday or Sunday where sports are rained out and we can chill out at home all day. I know this time is fleeting. We had kids on the younger side, so god willing they’ll be down time on the other side of this chaos.

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Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.

The PP made this statement that I think is toxic for women in particular: “Parents should have full, enriching lives outside of their children regardless of the age of the child.”

And then went on to say that if people aren’t accomplishing this, it’s their own fault for over scheduling their kids. This is just the same, toxic “you can have it all!” BS that some of us have been fight for years. Only worse, because it’s not just that you should be a great mom and kicking butt in a full time job, but now if you aren’t ALSO successfully maintaining all your friendships, working out, pushing a hobby, getting in some solo travel, and enjoying regular “me time,” well obviously this is your own fault for enrolling your child in swim lessons AND soccer (never mind that the pediatrician harasses you about making sure your kid learns to swim yesterday and your kid begged for soccer).

Acting like this is accessible to most people and that if you don’t have it, you messed up somewhere is obnoxious. I’d be happy for the PP if she’d framed this as “I’ve been lucky to do this,” but I stead she took this scolding tone of “oh anyone can do this if you try.” Seriously: f*** right off.

Oh, chill. You are just jealous. Rich women worked hard at school and college and married well-off men too. They are reaping the rewards now.

No, “just jealous” is being mad someone has something you don’t. I’m not mad about that.

I’m annoyed when people give advice to other people by pretending they are “just folks” when in reality they are wealthy. If you are wealthy, own it. “I have lots of free time and it’s great, I recommend it.” Cool, that sounds awesome.

PP is going out if her way to claim she is NOT wealthy but somehow has this weird job where she barely works (but it’s very fulfilling) can travel extensively with her family and also solo and sans kid, has a short commute, spouse who works a 9-5, AND has no help other than once a month babysitting from family and the occasional date night sitter.

And then she is claiming that if you don’t have this, it’s because you signed your kids up for too many activities.

If she’s rich (I’m betting she is, the math does not add up), just say that! Don’t assert that every one should be like you or you’ve figured some trick ou about parenting when in reality you have privileges very few people have.

NP. I don’t buy that you need to be wealthy to have a fulfilling life even with kids. Date nights can be chats over wine after the kids go to bed. You can take the kids with you to the library and read on your own time, while they are reading or at bed. You can travel with and without the kids, both luxuriously and more modestly. You can join a Y with childcare to work out on weekends, separately from your kids. None of this requires you to be rich.

I think the PP is making the valid point that you need to have enrichment that is yours and separate from your spouse and your kids. That’s healthy as a woman, and healthy for your marriage for when the kids leave the nest. Motherhood doesn’t mean you can’t maintain friendships, travel, hobbies even if might look different depending on your individual situation including career.

You cannot travel without kids, even modestly, without either family help or lots of money.

Look, I do a lot of non-kid stuff— I actually do have hobbies, read a lot, maintain friendships. But I would never say I have a totally full and enriching life outside kids because let’s get real— most of my life revolves around kids one way or another. Whether it’s taking a job I don’t totally live in order to have some flexibility while still making enough to pay our bills, or saving money I might otherwise use for vacations or hobbies so my kid can go to college.

I totally agree that it’s good for parents to maintain their sense of self outside being parents. But let’s not make the bar absurdly high. PP is describing an almost carefree lifestyle devoid of money stress or time pressures. That’s unusual for parents and I don’t think it’s due to “activities.”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It will get worse. We have activities around the clock. They are 11 and 13. You will get sucked in... so brace yourself.

This is a choice!

Not all of us make this choice.

DP - sort of. My kids don’t do elite travel sports or dance or gymnastics - that is a choice. However just being involved with their respective school teams and clubs is extremely time consuming. If you have extroverted teenagers, it’s not really a “choice” unless you want to confine them to the house. You are really going to tell your teen they can’t do the school play if they want to? If so, that’s sad.

You can tell them to get involved and you just pick them up later instead of earlier (more time for you!). We do this and sometimes she gets rides with friends afterwards, sometimes we give rides to friends. Having and involved extrovert is actually easier to "team parent" with the other parents. My daughter's friends' parents have similar values to me so we are comfortable with this. She is at a small private though, maybe it would be different if she were in public.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.

If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.

Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.

I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.

I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.

Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?

I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.

Do you have family help? How are you managing both solo travel and family travel? Your job sounds super flexible and chill, what is your DH’s job like? Do you live in the DMV, and if so, how do you make ends meet while working a job like this? Like how are you traveling without your kid, some solo travel, plus family trips?

It sounds like you are skipping over some money/childcare logistics that I’m betting are specific to you and not very universal.

It just sounds like you’ve worked out an unusually amount of flexibility in your schedule that isn’t realistic for most people.

Not a ton of family help but enough to make a difference. 1x a month weekend babysitting etc.
DH job is solid and consistent 40h a week, so we both have a good work situation
We live close to everything in our life so commutes are short.
Yes we live in the DMV. We saved prudently for years and invested wisely in real estate. No family money on either side. The more you travel the more you accumulate points and stuff that makes travel easier.

No secret catch. I just choose to prioritize certain things and de-prioritize others that seem really important to people around here (big house in the best school district, multiple cars, lots of paid activities for kids)

You are glossing over a lot, sorry. Two easy jobs, no overtime, short commutes, real estate “investments”… prudent savings from what income? You both work standard 40 hour a week jobs (it sounds like you often work less than 40 honestly), but you close enough in for short commutes? If not family, where does your money come from?

It doesn’t add up. Yet you are convinced other parents are stressed because they enroll their kids in too many activities. How old is your kid?

It sounds like you are wealthy or come from money, got lucky with work a bit, have one kid under age 5, have family help, AND look down your nose at families who struggle more than you do. But most of us have real jobs, no help, older kids. The difference between you and others is not a travel rewards card and the decision not to but your 4 yr old in Saturday soccer.

Not going to provide any more detail here. I wasn't meaning to look down my nose at anyone, though. Just saying that there can be more than one version of parenting and it doesn't have to be as intensive as people in DC tend to make it

Says the parent of one toddler or preschooler with family help, real estate investments, and a job not even working 40 hours a week. You sound like my trust fund baby neighbor who smokes a lot of weed and doesn’t understand why people can’t just be more chill.

You are absolutely judging people.

Why be so angry at this PP? They are sharing their own experience - clearly if you have more kids (which is a choice) or busier jobs, it may not directly apply to you. It's just a perspective from one person who has been clear about some advantages they have.

That PP actually sounds a bit like our family, except with addition of 2nd kid it's gotten crazy again.

NP here. I have 3 kids and all 3 kids have 4-5 activities/sports per week. Some may think that is overscheduled. My kids love it. That is how they socialize, play sports, do what they enjoy and that is our lifestyle. Most people in our circles are busy like this. I have kids in elementary and middle school. My oldest will be in high school next year.

We know some parents who are hands off and don’t push. Some of those kids have zero activities and play a lot of video games. Some kids roam around outside. Times have changed. You can’t be some athletic kid who just walks on a sports team in high school. You would have had to have played travel soccer or tennis for a long time to make the tennis team. Everything is competitive. College is harder to get into.

Some families have limited resources in time and money. Families have different priorities. I have one friend who seems to judge other families for being too busy. They like to stay home, relax and have quality family time. That is fine. Her kids have unlimited screen time. Mom does chores and cooks. Dad gets to relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM, but pretty much all. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping during the day, and homework in the afternoons then we are often at games or practices until 9:30 at night.

BS. You are not spending SIX HOURS every day cooking cleaning and laundry while kids are in school.

You certainly have leisure time in there, maybe yoga class or gym time?

DP here. You hit the nail on the head, pp!

Yes, most SAHMs have a great life especially in DMV. Usually they are in UMC or wealthy houeholds and their paychecks are not needed for a good lifestyle. They can outsource a lot of stuff and create time for leisure and opportunities for their families.

I am a SAHM with twice a week cleaning help. My DH also helps at home with cooking and anything that needs doing, though he is happy that I am able to outsource most chores and he and kids return to a smooth running and stressfree home. A lot of my time when kids are in school, goes in research and prep to accelerate and expand my kids educational and EC opportunities. Everything gets done with an eye towards their mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. The research, planning and execution takes up quite a bit of my time.

we also have a very busy social life and entertain a lot. It helps to socialize my kids so that they are surrounded by family, friends neighbors etc and they learn how to host and form connections. Our focus is on family time and I make sure that most of the household chores and errands are done before the kids come home. we get leisure time as a family. I am not seeking solo leisure time.

So which educational and extracurricular activities are your kids signed up for? Just curious if I was able to do they same thing for my kids, which also having a full time job.