Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

Oh, honey. Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Speak for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

After reading two completely nonsensical posts, I am 100% sure you have no standing to criticize OP’s (or anyone’s) communication skills. Yikes.

'
Whatever you say - you seem accustomed to people telling you that you are "right" (to shut you up).

Sorry not sorry it hit too close to home for you.

“Sorry not sorry?” “Hit a nerve?” Seriously, are you in 7th grade?

Next will be “I said what I said.”

With a little “nanny nanny foo foo” thrown in. That PP (who was projecting wildly) is off her rocker.

Definitely hit too close to home. Thank you for the confirmation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family is hard!

Agree. So many of us have been through different versions of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you and your husband need to decide what you want to do and go from there. Whatever the plan is, it will be easier if the two of you are on the same page.

We are the “poor” relatives on my husband’s side and not once have we invites ourselves on family members’ vacations or felt like they needed to host us, so to the PPs suggesting OP might be the “rich” relative who owes everyone else a free vacation, no.

I'm PP and I'm not saying they "owe" it. Of course they don't have to, and if they did pay it would be an incredibly generous thing to do.

Going on vacations with my extended family is one of my favorite childhood memories. The games we played inside, the beach time, how we all got to know one another, etc. Those vacations created bonds for me that I still have in adulthood. And the aunt and uncle who were doing the lion's share of renting the beach house -- I have a great relationship with them today, and check in on them and keep up with them to make sure they're doing okay. They are -- they don't need me. But they were good to me and I think of them in that light. If they needed something, I'd be there for them.

It's not all about money. You can make it about money, and then you'll miss out on the relationships.

Of course if they all make about the same amount and the rest of the family is just freeloading thoughtlessly, forget it.

+1

Plus, I am sure that the siblings have done one or two nice things for OP, along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

Thank you for providing more information. I know people in this situation, so here are my questions, OP:

Is this the SIL/BIL's only summer vacation? Do they have limitless (ex: retired) or limited (ex: not retired) vacation time?

I agree with laying everything out beforehand in an email to everyone - BUT be sure to include everyone, because you never know if your brother does not relay information well to his wife, etc.

You may wish to mention what you expect regarding food, since you raised the issue, and it seems important to you. Many people prefer to eat out, and many people prefer to eat in. So, if you wish to communicate about it, now is the time. You might come across as controlling regarding this topic, just a heads up.

It seems your goal is to get everyone together, but to have others help pay, and to have enough rooms for everyone - does that include people who are only able to take off a few days? Or do they get the (ex: not desirable) rooms, but pay the same? Some beach houses have X number of beds, but (in some families, not all - not to offend hostile PPs) those who arrive first get the best arrangements, and that is not always fair, especially if you expect them to pay the same. For example, there are pull out couches, etc - but that would personally not be my idea of a vacation. Of course, these are random examples (not to offend the hostile PPs).

In other words, there are some pertinent details that may need to be addressed. If everyone is comfortable on their vacation, (including you - but others, as well) it makes a big difference.

Disclaimer: Again, not to offend hostile PPs.

[Anonymous]

The fact that DH doesn't like "ruffle feathers" with his mom and sister is a HUGE RED FLAG to me. That is code for "he is a doormat to his mom and sister and you pay the price".

I would say absolutely not. But my DH and I learned early on that having our kids share a bedroom with us was a sure fire way to have a miserable vacation. We'd do it in a hotel now that they are a little older, but not in a vacation house.

You made a mistake putting them in your room last year and not making it really uncomfortable for SIL and her family.

This is a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I like this. Send via email so there’s no confusion.

I like this too.

I like it too, but include an rsvp date where you will be booking your own place if you don’t hear from them.

+2 But I wouldn't offer your house for ALL meals. I'd say "we can gather for dinners and each take a turn cooking or ordering out. Otherwise they'll camp out at your beach house all day with no plan for food (ask me how I know) and only be at their nearby condo to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

Thank you for providing more information. I know people in this situation, so here are my questions, OP:

Is this the SIL/BIL's only summer vacation? Do they have limitless (ex: retired) or limited (ex: not retired) vacation time?

I agree with laying everything out beforehand in an email to everyone - BUT be sure to include everyone, because you never know if your brother does not relay information well to his wife, etc.

You may wish to mention what you expect regarding food, since you raised the issue, and it seems important to you. Many people prefer to eat out, and many people prefer to eat in. So, if you wish to communicate about it, now is the time. You might come across as controlling regarding this topic, just a heads up.

It seems your goal is to get everyone together, but to have others help pay, and to have enough rooms for everyone - does that include people who are only able to take off a few days? Or do they get the (ex: not desirable) rooms, but pay the same? Some beach houses have X number of beds, but (in some families, not all - not to offend hostile PPs) those who arrive first get the best arrangements, and that is not always fair, especially if you expect them to pay the same. For example, there are pull out couches, etc - but that would personally not be my idea of a vacation. Of course, these are random examples (not to offend the hostile PPs).

In other words, there are some pertinent details that may need to be addressed. If everyone is comfortable on their vacation, (including you - but others, as well) it makes a big difference.

Disclaimer: Again, not to offend hostile PPs.

Show us on the doll where the "hostile PPs" hurt you.

(Not offended, but amused. That's a weird fixation.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

Thank you for providing more information. I know people in this situation, so here are my questions, OP:

Is this the SIL/BIL's only summer vacation? Do they have limitless (ex: retired) or limited (ex: not retired) vacation time?

I agree with laying everything out beforehand in an email to everyone - BUT be sure to include everyone, because you never know if your brother does not relay information well to his wife, etc.

You may wish to mention what you expect regarding food, since you raised the issue, and it seems important to you. Many people prefer to eat out, and many people prefer to eat in. So, if you wish to communicate about it, now is the time. You might come across as controlling regarding this topic, just a heads up.

It seems your goal is to get everyone together, but to have others help pay, and to have enough rooms for everyone - does that include people who are only able to take off a few days? Or do they get the (ex: not desirable) rooms, but pay the same? Some beach houses have X number of beds, but (in some families, not all - not to offend hostile PPs) those who arrive first get the best arrangements, and that is not always fair, especially if you expect them to pay the same. For example, there are pull out couches, etc - but that would personally not be my idea of a vacation. Of course, these are random examples (not to offend the hostile PPs).

In other words, there are some pertinent details that may need to be addressed. If everyone is comfortable on their vacation, (including you - but others, as well) it makes a big difference.

Disclaimer: Again, not to offend hostile PPs.

WTAF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that DH doesn't like "ruffle feathers" with his mom and sister is a HUGE RED FLAG to me. That is code for "he is a doormat to his mom and sister and you pay the price".

I would say absolutely not. But my DH and I learned early on that having our kids share a bedroom with us was a sure fire way to have a miserable vacation. We'd do it in a hotel now that they are a little older, but not in a vacation house.

You made a mistake putting them in your room last year and not making it really uncomfortable for SIL and her family.

This is a DH problem.

Agree. In most families, each individual would be "allowed/expected" to speak up and voice their concern, in turn - there are so many factors and personalities.

In the situations that I am familiar with, the sister/s and mother may mirror and enable each other, and the men (and women) who married in just try to get by. Some family dynamics are complicated, convoluted and difficult (ex: abuse, or depression/anxiety/mental illness/other). Some families are easy to vacation with, and some just are not; in some families, there are control freaks who have to have everything their way, and that really complicates matters. Difficult families are difficult, because they do not talk about the difficulties.

Families are hard - as pointed out by a couple PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

Thank you for providing more information. I know people in this situation, so here are my questions, OP:

Is this the SIL/BIL's only summer vacation? Do they have limitless (ex: retired) or limited (ex: not retired) vacation time?

I agree with laying everything out beforehand in an email to everyone - BUT be sure to include everyone, because you never know if your brother does not relay information well to his wife, etc.

You may wish to mention what you expect regarding food, since you raised the issue, and it seems important to you. Many people prefer to eat out, and many people prefer to eat in. So, if you wish to communicate about it, now is the time. You might come across as controlling regarding this topic, just a heads up.

It seems your goal is to get everyone together, but to have others help pay, and to have enough rooms for everyone - does that include people who are only able to take off a few days? Or do they get the (ex: not desirable) rooms, but pay the same? Some beach houses have X number of beds, but (in some families, not all - not to offend hostile PPs) those who arrive first get the best arrangements, and that is not always fair, especially if you expect them to pay the same. For example, there are pull out couches, etc - but that would personally not be my idea of a vacation. Of course, these are random examples (not to offend the hostile PPs).

In other words, there are some pertinent details that may need to be addressed. If everyone is comfortable on their vacation, (including you - but others, as well) it makes a big difference.

Disclaimer: Again, not to offend hostile PPs.

Show us on the doll where the "hostile PPs" hurt you.

(Not offended, but amused. That's a weird fixation.)

No drama with you, that is for sure! /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I like this. Send via email so there’s no confusion.

I like this too.

I like it too, but include an rsvp date where you will be booking your own place if you don’t hear from them.

+2 But I wouldn't offer your house for ALL meals. I'd say "we can gather for dinners and each take a turn cooking or ordering out. Otherwise they'll camp out at your beach house all day with no plan for food (ask me how I know) and only be at their nearby condo to sleep.

Agree. OP - is your family more the "go out for dinner" kind? If so, you can all take turns paying the bill - which may be easier (less work!) than trying to plan menus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I like this. Send via email so there’s no confusion.

I like this too.

I like it too, but include an rsvp date where you will be booking your own place if you don’t hear from them.

+2 But I wouldn't offer your house for ALL meals. I'd say "we can gather for dinners and each take a turn cooking or ordering out. Otherwise they'll camp out at your beach house all day with no plan for food (ask me how I know) and only be at their nearby condo to sleep.

Agree. OP - is your family more the "go out for dinner" kind? If so, you can all take turns paying the bill - which may be easier (less work!) than trying to plan menus.

(Not OP) My nuclear family is the "go out for dinner" kind, but that can be more trouble than it's worth if she's trying to wrangle 3 different families into the same beach restaurant at the same time. I don't cook on vacation so I'd happily order and pay for family-style takeout on my night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I like this. Send via email so there’s no confusion.

I like this too.

I like it too, but include an rsvp date where you will be booking your own place if you don’t hear from them.

+2 But I wouldn't offer your house for ALL meals. I'd say "we can gather for dinners and each take a turn cooking or ordering out. Otherwise they'll camp out at your beach house all day with no plan for food (ask me how I know) and only be at their nearby condo to sleep.

Agree. OP - is your family more the "go out for dinner" kind? If so, you can all take turns paying the bill - which may be easier (less work!) than trying to plan menus.

(Not OP) My nuclear family is the "go out for dinner" kind, but that can be more trouble than it's worth if she's trying to wrangle 3 different families into the same beach restaurant at the same time. I don't cook on vacation so I'd happily order and pay for family-style takeout on my night.

I like the takeout idea! Maybe that solves part of OPs issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

After reading two completely nonsensical posts, I am 100% sure you have no standing to criticize OP’s (or anyone’s) communication skills. Yikes.

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Whatever you say - you seem accustomed to people telling you that you are "right" (to shut you up).

Sorry not sorry it hit too close to home for you.

“Sorry not sorry?” “Hit a nerve?” Seriously, are you in 7th grade?

Next will be “I said what I said.”

With a little “nanny nanny foo foo” thrown in. That PP (who was projecting wildly) is off her rocker.

Definitely hit too close to home. Thank you for the confirmation.

I was a NP. There are several of us who know you’re nutty.