Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

Who would be their actual friends? They must be pariahs in their community. The sex offender list is public and most people check to see who their neighbors are etc. Is OP’s husband allowed to go to school events or any type of athletic event their child participates in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. I thought it was a typo for penpal.

Same, or a Freudian slip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, here's what we know, based on OP, who is unreliable narrator:

Early 20s man, with girlfriend not yet his wife, takes upskirt shots of young women and presumably posts or shares them, leading to arrest, conviction, incarceration. One of them was 17, much to his chagrin! Oh no!

Prior to arrest, he had correspondence with young girl cousin, which stopped after arrest, but older brother cousin had concerns which he brought up among family, pretty reasonable.

OP spends a year dealing with this in ways that were "hard" apparently but otherwise unexplained, yet she is desperate enough to marry this dude and reproduce with him.

Now she wants to know, how can I control who gets invited to holidays so no one sees how effed up we all are?

Didn't OP say the cousin got in touch with the school?

But OP isn't asking for "control." She's asking to be given a heads-up. Totally different.

And equally inappropriate. She and her husband are not in a position to request anything. Perhaps in the future they can ask beforehand who is coming. That's all they can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. I thought it was a typo for penpal.

Same, or a Freudian slip

OP claims it's a pen pal situation and that he did not correspond with his young cousin in prison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

You lose credibility when you lie. I've read the entire thread. Precious few posters write what you claim.

Again, your hosts do not have to warn you before they invite people.

You were WRONG to discuss it with them. You are NOT on moral high ground here regarding anything associated with your husband's charges and this cousin's actions. Thus, you should have greeted him politely without getting the slightest bit offended.

If you want the moral high ground, don't be this man's wife.

Again, OP wanted a heads-up. She didn't want to control who her inlaws invited, or how this cousin behaved. Dial it back.

I am curious, though, what was said between the cousins, or between OP and the cousin. Your speculation isn't exactly enlightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, here's what we know, based on OP, who is unreliable narrator:

Early 20s man, with girlfriend not yet his wife, takes upskirt shots of young women and presumably posts or shares them, leading to arrest, conviction, incarceration. One of them was 17, much to his chagrin! Oh no!

Prior to arrest, he had correspondence with young girl cousin, which stopped after arrest, but older brother cousin had concerns which he brought up among family, pretty reasonable.

OP spends a year dealing with this in ways that were "hard" apparently but otherwise unexplained, yet she is desperate enough to marry this dude and reproduce with him.

Now she wants to know, how can I control who gets invited to holidays so no one sees how effed up we all are?

Two things to add to your helpful summary.

1. Whatever older brother cousin brought up was not just "among family" and was taken seriously enough to get DH fired from his job.
2. The year OP spent dealing with it may also be the time that DH spent in prison for his crime. It is unclear how long, but he was definitely incarcerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, here's what we know, based on OP, who is unreliable narrator:

Early 20s man, with girlfriend not yet his wife, takes upskirt shots of young women and presumably posts or shares them, leading to arrest, conviction, incarceration. One of them was 17, much to his chagrin! Oh no!

Prior to arrest, he had correspondence with young girl cousin, which stopped after arrest, but older brother cousin had concerns which he brought up among family, pretty reasonable.

OP spends a year dealing with this in ways that were "hard" apparently but otherwise unexplained, yet she is desperate enough to marry this dude and reproduce with him.

Now she wants to know, how can I control who gets invited to holidays so no one sees how effed up we all are?

Didn't OP say the cousin got in touch with the school?

But OP isn't asking for "control." She's asking to be given a heads-up. Totally different.

And equally inappropriate. She and her husband are not in a position to request anything. Perhaps in the future they can ask beforehand who is coming. That's all they can do.

Here you're wrong. If OP and her family are on decent terms with the inlaws, it's totally appropriate to ask for a heads up. Nothing about that exonerates her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They had a penal relationship?? I had to Google this. This means he was writing to her from prison. An adult man writing to a prepubescent girl from prison, where he was residing due to being a sexual predator. Wow. What were her parents thinking to allow that? Thank God for big brother.

I was wondering about the "penal" relationship too and now I know. A tween girl receives letters from sexual predator in prison. Her big brother steps up to say " no can do." The cousin is a hero.

OP here. There was zero contact between DH and either cousin during the year he spent in prison.

It was a pen pal relationship that ended when he was arrested and charged, for obvious and understandable reasons. It was 100% appropriate - I’ve read every one of the letters/cards that were sent back and forth. A lot of discussion about the weather and DH’s job at the time (in property development), and a lot of whining about her teachers from her. They both were at a family reunion, she (the cousin) asked if he would reply if she sent him a letter and he said yes. I understand her older brother probably assumed their was something more to it based on his charges, which is fair, but it was just a big cousin being nice to a little cousin.

It was grooming.

+1

This was absolutely grooming. These siblings are either "random cousins", distant step-cousins, or suddenly close enough for a friendly penpal relationship despite age difference. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

You lose credibility when you lie. I've read the entire thread. Precious few posters write what you claim.

Again, your hosts do not have to warn you before they invite people.

You were WRONG to discuss it with them. You are NOT on moral high ground here regarding anything associated with your husband's charges and this cousin's actions. Thus, you should have greeted him politely without getting the slightest bit offended.

If you want the moral high ground, don't be this man's wife.

Again, OP wanted a heads-up. She didn't want to control who her inlaws invited, or how this cousin behaved. Dial it back.

I am curious, though, what was said between the cousins, or between OP and the cousin. Your speculation isn't exactly enlightening.

OP didn't ask whether inlaws should have given them a heads up. She asked whether she was "out of line" to pull them aside during the party and chastise them for not giving a heads up. The answer to that is yes, she was out of line. If only because she didn't talk to her DH first.

[Anonymous]

My conclusion:

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Neither OP's husband or the husband's parents apparently ask permission!

To answer your question, OP, yes, you were way out of line, and boy, did you make the wrong decision to marry this guy, have kids, and then stay married to him!

Still time to rectify that last one...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Well, setting aside everything about your DH- yes, you were out of line. And the proof of this is the last line of your OP: "And DH thinks I went too far, and believes it was a good chance to build a relationship with this cousin. Am I completely out of line?"
You should have spoken to your DH before you took it upon yourself to chastise you ILs.

THIS - I cannot believe this is the first time anyone has brought this up. OP - you should have consulted your husband before having the conversation with your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

You lose credibility when you lie. I've read the entire thread. Precious few posters write what you claim.

Again, your hosts do not have to warn you before they invite people.

You were WRONG to discuss it with them. You are NOT on moral high ground here regarding anything associated with your husband's charges and this cousin's actions. Thus, you should have greeted him politely without getting the slightest bit offended.

If you want the moral high ground, don't be this man's wife.

Again, OP wanted a heads-up. She didn't want to control who her inlaws invited, or how this cousin behaved. Dial it back.

I am curious, though, what was said between the cousins, or between OP and the cousin. Your speculation isn't exactly enlightening.

OP didn't ask whether inlaws should have given them a heads up. She asked whether she was "out of line" to pull them aside during the party and chastise them for not giving a heads up. The answer to that is yes, she was out of line. If only because she didn't talk to her DH first.

Stop with the creative dramatizations. OP didn't say "chastise." Here's what she said: "I brought this up to my in-laws and told them specifically that if if this cousin was ever invited to another family function to tell us so we could make other plans, to which they told me they would try, but that I should expect this cousin to be generally invited to future family functions as he has an open invitation to stay with them whenever. They also made it clear he would be at our Christmas gathering, so we should keep that in mind."

[Anonymous]

Your dh’s actions got him convicted. It likely would have happened whether the cousin told the police about the letters or not (if that is what happened). You cannot blame the cousin for your dh’s conviction.

Did the cousin inform the school that your dh shouldn’t be working there? Again, your dh shouldn’t have been working there and I’m sure your dh knew that.

Sounds like even your dh wants to move on from blaming the cousin. Your dh is potentially taking ownership of his actions. The cousin did nothing wrong and did everything right. You don’t have to like it. Maybe you haven’t made peace with what your dh did (understandably). Maybe seeing the cousin brought a lot of it back bc you are seeing that the cousin is actually not a monster.

You have a very hard road ahead if you are going to draw these bright lines but you want everyone else to give your dh the benefit of the doubt. Yet you cannot put yourself in the position of the cousin and think of how he felt knowing his sister was getting multiple letters from your dh. And sure, the sister came up with the idea of writing letters. All young kids write letters these days.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you were a 3rd party to this and found out your son's playmate's Father took naked photos of young men without their permission how would you feel about having your children anywhere near them?

I think what you are looking for is validation that your inlaws should have let you known. It seems, frankly, you know exactly where they stand. They have told you that they take the side of this cousin and the cousin is welcome at their home any time. You are also free to do as you wish. I personally think it's great that they are supporting the victim and people who supported the victim. In no way should they be shunning this person.

Grooming, is very subtle. My husband had a predator in his workplace. This guy groomed adult women in the workplace. He was also married but told no one in the workplace of his marriage! The person doing the grooming always has the ability to gaslight anyone involved that it wasn't what it clearly was.

This is a HUGE red flag that your husband will reoffend. Offenders must take FULL accountability of their actions in order to be able to change. The fact that he has you convinced he was somehow a victim tells me that if he hasn't already he will reoffend again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

You must have lost your mind thinking you can tell me or anyone how they can address op.

In laws don't owe her or her DH anything out our courtesy or anything else.


.
She's free to ask if they are inviting anyone who may remind her that her husband is a sex offender.


Op might want to put up a sign in the bathroom since her husband likes to film intimate places. Give guests a heads up they might be being filmed