Blindsided by in-laws inviting random cousin to Thanksgiving gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They had a penal relationship?? I had to Google this. This means he was writing to her from prison. An adult man writing to a prepubescent girl from prison, where he was residing due to being a sexual predator. Wow. What were her parents thinking to allow that? Thank God for big brother.

I was wondering about the "penal" relationship too and now I know. A tween girl receives letters from sexual predator in prison. Her big brother steps up to say " no can do." The cousin is a hero.

OP here. There was zero contact between DH and either cousin during the year he spent in prison.

It was a pen pal relationship that ended when he was arrested and charged, for obvious and understandable reasons. It was 100% appropriate - I’ve read every one of the letters/cards that were sent back and forth. A lot of discussion about the weather and DH’s job at the time (in property development), and a lot of whining about her teachers from her. They both were at a family reunion, she (the cousin) asked if he would reply if she sent him a letter and he said yes. I understand her older brother probably assumed their was something more to it based on his charges, which is fair, but it was just a big cousin being nice to a little cousin.

[Anonymous]

OP comes back to defend her DH, but she will not respond concerning her original premise: her ILs were wrong to "blindside" her by inviting this cousin who, as a teenager, levied "unfounded accusations" at him. OP, like, so sorry your holidays are ruined, but WTF?? Your DH is a mess, took upskirt pics of young girls/women, went to prison for it, then started writing to a young girl from prison? Are you kidding me?? Then he takes a job at a school. And you are mad that the cousin's presence upsets your unreality. GtFO. You cannot be serious. I 100% know that people like you exist just not that you'd be dumb enough to lay it all out for other people to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

How is taking upskirt pics of a minor not being a pedophile?

Your sons will either be abused, or abusers themselves. So sad. Gross. How can you sleep at night? Literally asking.

You need to look up the definition of pedophile. What OP has described, while disgusting, is not pedophilia.

Explain the letter writing to underage female cousin. Completely inappropriate. No doubt grooming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP comes back to defend her DH, but she will not respond concerning her original premise: her ILs were wrong to "blindside" her by inviting this cousin who, as a teenager, levied "unfounded accusations" at him. OP, like, so sorry your holidays are ruined, but WTF?? Your DH is a mess, took upskirt pics of young girls/women, went to prison for it, then started writing to a young girl from prison? Are you kidding me?? Then he takes a job at a school. And you are mad that the cousin's presence upsets your unreality. GtFO. You cannot be serious. I 100% know that people like you exist just not that you'd be dumb enough to lay it all out for other people to see.

In OP's defense, I do think that the in-laws should have warned both of them about the presence of this cousin at TG. It could have avoided a scene. Other than that, I agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP comes back to defend her DH, but she will not respond concerning her original premise: her ILs were wrong to "blindside" her by inviting this cousin who, as a teenager, levied "unfounded accusations" at him. OP, like, so sorry your holidays are ruined, but WTF?? Your DH is a mess, took upskirt pics of young girls/women, went to prison for it, then started writing to a young girl from prison? Are you kidding me?? Then he takes a job at a school. And you are mad that the cousin's presence upsets your unreality. GtFO. You cannot be serious. I 100% know that people like you exist just not that you'd be dumb enough to lay it all out for other people to see.

In OP's defense, I do think that the in-laws should have warned both of them about the presence of this cousin at TG. It could have avoided a scene. Other than that, I agree!

Maybe they all love drama!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They had a penal relationship?? I had to Google this. This means he was writing to her from prison. An adult man writing to a prepubescent girl from prison, where he was residing due to being a sexual predator. Wow. What were her parents thinking to allow that? Thank God for big brother.

I was wondering about the "penal" relationship too and now I know. A tween girl receives letters from sexual predator in prison. Her big brother steps up to say " no can do." The cousin is a hero.

OP here. There was zero contact between DH and either cousin during the year he spent in prison.

It was a pen pal relationship that ended when he was arrested and charged, for obvious and understandable reasons. It was 100% appropriate - I’ve read every one of the letters/cards that were sent back and forth. A lot of discussion about the weather and DH’s job at the time (in property development), and a lot of whining about her teachers from her. They both were at a family reunion, she (the cousin) asked if he would reply if she sent him a letter and he said yes. I understand her older brother probably assumed their was something more to it based on his charges, which is fair, but it was just a big cousin being nice to a little cousin.

It was grooming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Well, setting aside everything about your DH- yes, you were out of line. And the proof of this is the last line of your OP: "And DH thinks I went too far, and believes it was a good chance to build a relationship with this cousin. Am I completely out of line?"
You should have spoken to your DH before you took it upon yourself to chastise you ILs.

[Anonymous]

OK, here's what we know, based on OP, who is unreliable narrator:

Early 20s man, with girlfriend not yet his wife, takes upskirt shots of young women and presumably posts or shares them, leading to arrest, conviction, incarceration. One of them was 17, much to his chagrin! Oh no!

Prior to arrest, he had correspondence with young girl cousin, which stopped after arrest, but older brother cousin had concerns which he brought up among family, pretty reasonable.

OP spends a year dealing with this in ways that were "hard" apparently but otherwise unexplained, yet she is desperate enough to marry this dude and reproduce with him.

Now she wants to know, how can I control who gets invited to holidays so no one sees how effed up we all are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

You need to dial back the drama. Her inlaws don't have to tell her who's coming, but it would be courteous and something thoughtful people would do. And as long as OP doesn't leave her DH alone with women or girls, why does she need to put a sign up in her hallway warning guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

Your in laws can invite whoever they hell they want and they don't have to clear it with you or give you a heads up first. Hope that clears everything up for you.

I hope you inform anyone who comes to your house that they themselves or their daughters are at risk for being filmed and or groomed by your husband.

Yes, they can invite whoever they want and don't have to clear it with OP, but are you really sitting there saying that that was the "right" call here? What if the cousin didn't know OP's husband would be there? This should absolutely have been discussed, host-to-guest, before the event. No one is owed permission or even notification, but it would have been a good idea. I agree with OP on that front.

That said, the bolded is interesting to me. OP, how transparent are you with people in your actual life about your husband's past? I would be absolutely livid if you hosted my kids/my family without disclosing this kind of information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, here's what we know, based on OP, who is unreliable narrator:

Early 20s man, with girlfriend not yet his wife, takes upskirt shots of young women and presumably posts or shares them, leading to arrest, conviction, incarceration. One of them was 17, much to his chagrin! Oh no!

Prior to arrest, he had correspondence with young girl cousin, which stopped after arrest, but older brother cousin had concerns which he brought up among family, pretty reasonable.

OP spends a year dealing with this in ways that were "hard" apparently but otherwise unexplained, yet she is desperate enough to marry this dude and reproduce with him.

Now she wants to know, how can I control who gets invited to holidays so no one sees how effed up we all are?

Didn't OP say the cousin got in touch with the school?

But OP isn't asking for "control." She's asking to be given a heads-up. Totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that people can redeem themselves from criminal mistakes made in their youth, but ultimately the support of the family for victims trumps that of the offender. Your DH seems to acknowledge that his family has every right to support the cousin. You are the one who wants to brush things under the rug because you are ashamed of your DH and your kids finding out about it.

The best parenting you and DH could do is for your DH to honestly acknowledge the HUGE mistake he made and explain to your sons that the consequences of his actions will follow him around for the rest of his life. The professional and legal repercussions and the personal/familial repercussions. One of which is that his family supports the cousins who made reasonable accusations given your DH's sex offenses.

Sexual predators can NEVER be redeemed or rehabilitated.

Why do you say this?

Are you really unaware that they have the highest recidivism rate? You seem like you’re just trolling.

OP here: I want to make it clear I wasn’t that poster. I am aware of the recidivism rate. His crimes are something I have had to come terms with and my decisions were made intelligently and made based on who he is and what he has done to better himself.

I know my husband, and I know how much work he has put in to better himself following his crimes. Because of that, I fully believe he has rehabilitated himself. I know that isn’t a guarantee he won’t struggle or even commit another crime, but I had to ask myself whether I believe he would be a part of those statistics. I think my answer to that question should be clear based on my decisions.

Your decision... to voice your displeasure that your in-laws invited a whistle-blower to their own home? You realize you cannot control who a home-owner invites; and that in this particular case, you REALLY don't have any right, since your husband is the person who seemed to be (or actually was) grooming a teen?

Your husband may be totally innocent in the letter-writing thing. But not many people will believe it since he has a prior history in a related activity. You really MUST understand this.

I hope you're a troll. If you're not, I would be very careful when inviting your children's friends into your home. Please never leave them alone with your husband, and make sure there are no hidden cameras anywhere in the house. Be very wary if your husband seeks to get a position of authority over minors: coach, school or church volunteer, carpool driver, etc... He seems to have that profile, unfortunately. Don't kid yourself. If his brain has these types of urges, it's really hard for him to resist without therapy or meds. It's not something you just snap out of. It's serious disorder.

OP here: My DH is fully compliant with all terms of his conviction. For a brief period he worked at an elementary school in a position with zero interaction with minors. He wasn’t seeking out a job at a school, however it was one he was qualified for. Prior to applying for this position, and prior to accepting it he discussed the specifics of the job with his parole officer and was told (incorrectly) that this would not be a violation (this was, as it turned out, not true).

He has consistently been in therapy and has (at times) been prescribed medication. Therapy was a condition of his release, and he has continued in therapy as it has been highly beneficial to him, both to address his issues that led to these decisions, but also to better improve himself.

Also, not to justify what he did, but I need to clarify that DH is not a pedophile. That does not diminish his crimes, but it does put them in perspective. He took several upskirt photos, one of which was of a 17 year old teenager. He did not know or have any reason to believe she was underage. He would never place himself in a position of authority over minors, and has no issues with his conditions of release prohibiting taking such positions, but I can tell you directly that the day he learned that one of his photos was of a minor, it broke him. Because it wasn’t his intention or desire to do so.

You seriously believe this? Like he was fine doing this to 18yo women but a 17yo is a shock to him? Maybe it broke him bc he realized he was finally going to be in deep $hit with the law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Notice that not once has OP returned to comment on her own behavior during the dinner.


Jeff has checked that this person is not a known troll, but it certainly looks like trolling.

OP here. I haven’t commented on “my own behavior” because literally every response is that my husband should be jailed forever for his crimes. Which is fair to say, whatever, not knowing him I can see that opinion seeming reasonable.

I am not angry at this cousin for not wanting a relationship with DH. I had to come to peace with DH’s actions, and I don’t expect anyone to find that peace.

I’m angry that my in-laws would invite this cousin, knowing very well it would be incredibly awkward, without specifically letting us know. They have every right to invite whoever they want. Had we been told he would be there we would have politely declined the invitation and made other plans. So I, politely, pulled them aside (in private) and expressed this.

You lose credibility when you lie. I've read the entire thread. Precious few posters write what you claim.

Again, your hosts do not have to warn you before they invite people.

You were WRONG to discuss it with them. You are NOT on moral high ground here regarding anything associated with your husband's charges and this cousin's actions. Thus, you should have greeted him politely without getting the slightest bit offended.

If you want the moral high ground, don't be this man's wife.