DH put hands on 8 y/o son's neck

[Anonymous]

8 yr old hitting dad is unusual behavior… I’d expect this more from a 2 or 3 yr old who doesn’t have the language to express what’s going on

the physical and verbal abuse are going to escalate and you need a plan. for now, document what’s happening. in a journal. with dates. tell your husband that’s a hard boundary - cursing at child or touching him in an aggressive way will not be tolerated. the end.

is husband open to therapy? parenting classes? explore together asap. if not, leave.

[Anonymous]

It’s clear that both your child and your husband need help, OP. Get help for both of them immediately. And therapy for the whole family. And parenting classes for both parents. You and DH can live separately for 6 months while all of this gets started, to make your son feel safer. And that will give you time to evaluate whether your husband is too volatile to be trusted and you need to divorce him or whether you can all live as a family, with treatment. But start treatment for EVERYONE today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.

An 8 year old fighting his little brother is not necessarily a violent child. Boys fight, you have to make sure they are safe. You don’t do that by putting your hands on someone’s neck. Ever.

I have boys and I grew up with all brothers. Kids fighting is typical. Kids swinging at adults crosses the line. That was the inciting factor.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He and my son are saying there was no "strangling" or pressure on the neck, does this matter? I looked immediately afterwards and saw no marks.

In my mind there are 1k ways to restrain a child or leave the situation without putting hands on the neck. Even moving a child to the bed in a somewhat rough manner by picking them up around the waist or shoulders....

So you totally misrepresented the story.

? No. Everyone, including DH, agrees DH put his hands on DS's neck, and moved him to the bed by using his hands on his neck. I am asking if it matters that neither of them say there was any strangling or pressure around the neck? Ie is it ok to put your hands around someone's neck and throw them to the bed in that fashion, if not choking them.

Your husband is a grown man. No marks means he used a considerable amount of restraint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8 yr old hitting dad is unusual behavior… I’d expect this more from a 2 or 3 yr old who doesn’t have the language to express what’s going on

the physical and verbal abuse are going to escalate and you need a plan. for now, document what’s happening. in a journal. with dates. tell your husband that’s a hard boundary - cursing at child or touching him in an aggressive way will not be tolerated. the end.

is husband open to therapy? parenting classes? explore together asap. if not, leave.

Op has conveniently and repeatedly ignored the advice for therapy and parenting classes.
She's instead engaged in a debate on if what her husband did was so bad because he didn't put any pressure on the kid's neck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs anger management

I think you both need parenting classes and possibly therapy for your son he's exhibiting violent behavior towards his sibling and father. You need to get to the bottom of this and put a stop to it.

+1 Your DH is correct to restrain him, but not in the manner he did. He could've held his arm. The instinctive reaction to go for the throat is troublesome. Is it divorce worthy? IDK. If he agrees that what he did was wrong, and willing to seek anger management, I think that is best.

Your son also has anger issues. Is he getting it from the dad?

And if the husband had grabbed the kid’s arm, and the kid twisted to get away, that could have resulted in a spiral fracture, landing husband in jail.

You seriously think a child would actually BREAK THEIR OWN ARM trying to twist away from someone who had a grip on them? You don’t break someone’s arm by accident, unless maybe they are frail elderly in their 80s with osteoporosis or something.

I seriously think that 95% of this thread is about women having absolutely zero experience with physical roughhousing (let alone actual physical violence) of any kind. Women who have never been in any kind of physical conflict apparently have a lot of fantasies about how physical contact is always verging on felony assault of homicide

I'll state this simply so that you can understand: it is not ok to grab someone by the throat or neck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs anger management

I think you both need parenting classes and possibly therapy for your son he's exhibiting violent behavior towards his sibling and father. You need to get to the bottom of this and put a stop to it.

+1 Your DH is correct to restrain him, but not in the manner he did. He could've held his arm. The instinctive reaction to go for the throat is troublesome. Is it divorce worthy? IDK. If he agrees that what he did was wrong, and willing to seek anger management, I think that is best.

Your son also has anger issues. Is he getting it from the dad?

And if the husband had grabbed the kid’s arm, and the kid twisted to get away, that could have resulted in a spiral fracture, landing husband in jail.

You seriously think a child would actually BREAK THEIR OWN ARM trying to twist away from someone who had a grip on them? You don’t break someone’s arm by accident, unless maybe they are frail elderly in their 80s with osteoporosis or something.

I seriously think that 95% of this thread is about women having absolutely zero experience with physical roughhousing (let alone actual physical violence) of any kind. Women who have never been in any kind of physical conflict apparently have a lot of fantasies about how physical contact is always verging on felony assault of homicide

I'll state this simply so that you can understand: it is not ok to grab someone by the throat or neck.

.

And I'll state this simply so that you can understand: he did not grab him by the neck. OP said both DH and DS agreed to that. DH put his hands on his neck to shove him away -- presumably to avoid the child's fists.

[Anonymous]

How do you ‘move’ someone to the bed without applying pressure to the neck. Just not physically possible due to the laws of physics. You have to apply pressure to pick something up. Apply it to the neck, results in strangulation. Don’t know if the OP doesn’t want to deal with how her life needs to change at this point and that she can no longer make excuses / justifications for this behavior by her husband. It will continue to escalate until something drastically changes. Hopefully the changes get the children and the mom out f harms way and into a safe environment. The son does need to learn how to handle his frustrations better, but he is learning by watching at home and what he is learning from his father is what he is using.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs anger management

I think you both need parenting classes and possibly therapy for your son he's exhibiting violent behavior towards his sibling and father. You need to get to the bottom of this and put a stop to it.

+1 Your DH is correct to restrain him, but not in the manner he did. He could've held his arm. The instinctive reaction to go for the throat is troublesome. Is it divorce worthy? IDK. If he agrees that what he did was wrong, and willing to seek anger management, I think that is best.

Your son also has anger issues. Is he getting it from the dad?

And if the husband had grabbed the kid’s arm, and the kid twisted to get away, that could have resulted in a spiral fracture, landing husband in jail.

You seriously think a child would actually BREAK THEIR OWN ARM trying to twist away from someone who had a grip on them? You don’t break someone’s arm by accident, unless maybe they are frail elderly in their 80s with osteoporosis or something.

I seriously think that 95% of this thread is about women having absolutely zero experience with physical roughhousing (let alone actual physical violence) of any kind. Women who have never been in any kind of physical conflict apparently have a lot of fantasies about how physical contact is always verging on felony assault of homicide

I'll state this simply so that you can understand: it is not ok to grab someone by the throat or neck.

.

And I'll state this simply so that you can understand: he did not grab him by the neck. OP said both DH and DS agreed to that. DH put his hands on his neck to shove him away -- presumably to avoid the child's fists.

It is not ok to put your hands on a person's neck to shove them. You have a high tolerance for inappropriate touch, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs anger management

I think you both need parenting classes and possibly therapy for your son he's exhibiting violent behavior towards his sibling and father. You need to get to the bottom of this and put a stop to it.

+1 Your DH is correct to restrain him, but not in the manner he did. He could've held his arm. The instinctive reaction to go for the throat is troublesome. Is it divorce worthy? IDK. If he agrees that what he did was wrong, and willing to seek anger management, I think that is best.

Your son also has anger issues. Is he getting it from the dad?

And if the husband had grabbed the kid’s arm, and the kid twisted to get away, that could have resulted in a spiral fracture, landing husband in jail.

You seriously think a child would actually BREAK THEIR OWN ARM trying to twist away from someone who had a grip on them? You don’t break someone’s arm by accident, unless maybe they are frail elderly in their 80s with osteoporosis or something.

I seriously think that 95% of this thread is about women having absolutely zero experience with physical roughhousing (let alone actual physical violence) of any kind. Women who have never been in any kind of physical conflict apparently have a lot of fantasies about how physical contact is always verging on felony assault of homicide

I'll state this simply so that you can understand: it is not ok to grab someone by the throat or neck.

There are many many ways to have your arm or hand near or on someone’s neck without applying pressure to the windpipe or strangling them. Even in a conflict situation strangulation does not happen accidentally you have to *try*. No evidence this guy was strangling his kid. If he was that’s bad obviously but from OPs description I doubt it

Again, this thread bears the mark of many women who never engaged in physical roughhousing ever in their life and are freaked out by any idea of their children being in any kind of tussle with an adult male. Just no awareness of the mechanics of physical contact and a lot of leaping to wild conclusions and imagining very unlikely worst cases. The woman above who thinks that if someone grabs their kid by the arm the kid would actually twist *his own arm* hard enough to break it. That would be so difficult and painful as to be physically impossible. Anyone who would think it’s possible has basically never had anyone grab their arm wrestling in their life and doesn’t understand the physics of things at all

[Anonymous]

Op - your child likely has adhd. Step 1- psychiatrist and meds. What he’s doing is a normal coping mechanism that boys of that age use bc they cannot self regulate. 2. Your dh is likely triggered and in over his head. I’m guessing this happens regularly (am I correct? I have the same kid). Dh needs to get to a place of accountability, maturity and understanding eBay this is the kid he has and he cannot be escalated. But that being said he needs to know what he should do. I recommend the book ‘raising lions’. Gl op

[Anonymous]

*that - not eBay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband needs anger management

I think you both need parenting classes and possibly therapy for your son he's exhibiting violent behavior towards his sibling and father. You need to get to the bottom of this and put a stop to it.

+1 Your DH is correct to restrain him, but not in the manner he did. He could've held his arm. The instinctive reaction to go for the throat is troublesome. Is it divorce worthy? IDK. If he agrees that what he did was wrong, and willing to seek anger management, I think that is best.

Your son also has anger issues. Is he getting it from the dad?

And if the husband had grabbed the kid’s arm, and the kid twisted to get away, that could have resulted in a spiral fracture, landing husband in jail.

You seriously think a child would actually BREAK THEIR OWN ARM trying to twist away from someone who had a grip on them? You don’t break someone’s arm by accident, unless maybe they are frail elderly in their 80s with osteoporosis or something.

I seriously think that 95% of this thread is about women having absolutely zero experience with physical roughhousing (let alone actual physical violence) of any kind. Women who have never been in any kind of physical conflict apparently have a lot of fantasies about how physical contact is always verging on felony assault of homicide

I'll state this simply so that you can understand: it is not ok to grab someone by the throat or neck.

There are many many ways to have your arm or hand near or on someone’s neck without applying pressure to the windpipe or strangling them. Even in a conflict situation strangulation does not happen accidentally you have to *try*. No evidence this guy was strangling his kid. If he was that’s bad obviously but from OPs description I doubt it

Again, this thread bears the mark of many women who never engaged in physical roughhousing ever in their life and are freaked out by any idea of their children being in any kind of tussle with an adult male. Just no awareness of the mechanics of physical contact and a lot of leaping to wild conclusions and imagining very unlikely worst cases. The woman above who thinks that if someone grabs their kid by the arm the kid would actually twist *his own arm* hard enough to break it. That would be so difficult and painful as to be physically impossible. Anyone who would think it’s possible has basically never had anyone grab their arm wrestling in their life and doesn’t understand the physics of things at all

Do not put your hand on a person's neck or throat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He and my son are saying there was no "strangling" or pressure on the neck, does this matter? I looked immediately afterwards and saw no marks.

In my mind there are 1k ways to restrain a child or leave the situation without putting hands on the neck. Even moving a child to the bed in a somewhat rough manner by picking them up around the waist or shoulders....

So you totally misrepresented the story.

? No. Everyone, including DH, agrees DH put his hands on DS's neck, and moved him to the bed by using his hands on his neck. I am asking if it matters that neither of them say there was any strangling or pressure around the neck? Ie is it ok to put your hands around someone's neck and throw them to the bed in that fashion, if not choking them.

Based on your DH's height and your son's height yes this could be a reasonable place to push a kid you want off you.

Only you know if it was ok behavior. I can say in your first post you out in a lot of supportive details as to why he is an angry person.