DH put hands on 8 y/o son's neck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My father was not abusive in the slightest to us growing up and we weren’t spanked. But if one of my brothers was throwing haymakers at him after getting in trouble he would not sit there taking it and gently ask little Johnny to stop hitting me pretty please.

jfc someone used this term upthread and PPs have continued it as if the kid is Rambo. He's an 8 year old boy. A grown man who can't subdue a 2nd grader without a chokehold isn't responding out of personal fear. That's what dangerous, uncontrolled anger looks like. And trying to distinguish between "hands on throat" and "squeezing" is like parsing out a slap vs a punch to the face.

I'm so sorry OP. You're in a tough spot with your kids, but this is a bright line. I hope your holiday is peaceful and you can get clarity and make a plan.

It was OP’s husband who used the term per the original post.

Yeah OP is is in a tough spot. Having a violent kid is no joke - especially one who will attack a parent. Hopefully OP and her husband will get some help for the entire family.

[Anonymous]

your entire family needs therapy and you and your husband need parenting classes. Your kids are out of control and it will get worse if you don't learn better management techniques. When kids give you a knee to the face or where ever it HURTS and it's startling, so yes, shouting an explicative can happen. I had a kid knee my face and it hurt for 3 weeks with no visible bruise. I yelled G%d Damn$it.

Kids need to learn to self regulate before someone gets hurt, and it's the adult's job to teach that. If you don't have the skills to do that then you need to take parenting classes to learn how.

OP-you and your husband need to learn skills to be better parents and to help your kids before they escalate to the point of hurting others.

[Anonymous]

Your child was being excessively violent OP. It's not good your dh responded the way he did, but it's probably the automatic way he responds when someone is trying to attack him. If you kid has violent tendencies, your dh will need some help to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child was being excessively violent OP. It's not good your dh responded the way he did, but it's probably the automatic way he responds when someone is trying to attack him. If you kid has violent tendencies, your dh will need some help to deal with it.

You realize you're putting the same physical expectations on both OP's grown husband and her 2nd grade son, right? No sane adult "automatically" puts hands around a child's neck, no matter what. Restrain, yes. Hands on neck isn't restraining, it's choking. He choked their out-of-control son. Do you realize how serious that is?

I'm shocked at the amount of excusing on this thread.

[Anonymous]

If it's the first time this has happened, it's not "excusing", it's the first time her dh has had to deal with this level of physical fighting from their growing son. Now they need to deal with it and get some really good therapy to prevent it from happening again or escalating.

If it happens again though, time for OP to get out.

[Anonymous]

Did DH used to get stuffed into locker's? I'm just trying to figure out why the 8 year old was perceived as such a threat.

[Anonymous]

Screaming curse words at a small child is pretty F’d up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.

OP THIS IS WRONG 1000% WRONG

Your child needs therapy bec his father is an ass and needs anger management. NOT because of his son.

[Anonymous]

OP
Get out now.
I mean now.
YOU PROTECT YOUR CHILD NOT YOUR HUSBAND.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago, when my sister was about 11 or 12 and I was 14 or 15, my father and my sister were having an argument at the dinner table. As usual, my father totally over reacted. He reached across the table, grabber her by the neck and dragged her over the table and proceeded to hit her.

I can't remember what my sister said or did before that happened. And there were many instances like that over the years. It didn't get better. But, OP, you should know that the two people who gave me their DNA are not in my life in any context any more. They haven't had the opportunity to know their two beautiful grandchildren. They harmed my sister and I wasn't going to give them any chance to harm another generation. Think about that the next time your husband decides to continue his abuse. And it is abuse. Call protective services, get yourself and your kids into a shelter and into therapy. That's the ONLY choice you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. He and my son are saying there was no "strangling" or pressure on the neck, does this matter? I looked immediately afterwards and saw no marks.

In my mind there are 1k ways to restrain a child or leave the situation without putting hands on the neck. Even moving a child to the bed in a somewhat rough manner by picking them up around the waist or shoulders....

Your son started swinging at his father. Your son has an anger management problem. Your husband curses at your son. Your husband has an anger management problem. They both need courses for this. Anger management classes.

Whether there were marks or not is irrelevant. An adult does not respond this way even to an aggressive child. Your husband is abusive to his kid, both verbally and physically. It will escalate and you are next. You need to get out and as quickly as you can.

As someone whose husband escalated into abusive behavior, it’s easy to say “get out” but the reality is that it is very hard to keep your kids away from an abuser. DH has been involuntarily hospitalized for being a threat to me, we have a protective order, multiple CPS calls and a finding of “indicated abuse”, visitation is limited and supervised, and my kid still came home with fresh bruises a few weeks ago.

There are no easy solutions.

I’m a different poster than you quoted but I am one who said get out.

You can only fight in the courts, get limited/supervised visitation etc. if you and your children are still alive. I don’t think it’s easy or uncomplicated just that it is genuinely the only way to protect the OP and her children from ongoing and escalating abuse. I’m so sorry for what you went through and I’m so sorry for your kids but you are an incredible and powerful mother for getting them out even if the struggle is ongoing.

My point is that I don’t feel like we are safer now, despite all the intervention than when we lived together.

[Anonymous]

Take some parenting classes. Put the kid on meds. Next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago, when my sister was about 11 or 12 and I was 14 or 15, my father and my sister were having an argument at the dinner table. As usual, my father totally over reacted. He reached across the table, grabber her by the neck and dragged her over the table and proceeded to hit her.

I can't remember what my sister said or did before that happened. And there were many instances like that over the years. It didn't get better. But, OP, you should know that the two people who gave me their DNA are not in my life in any context any more. They haven't had the opportunity to know their two beautiful grandchildren. They harmed my sister and I wasn't going to give them any chance to harm another generation. Think about that the next time your husband decides to continue his abuse. And it is abuse. Call protective services, get yourself and your kids into a shelter and into therapy. That's the ONLY choice you have.

There is nothing about your situation that is remotely similar to OPs.

[Anonymous]

This thread is horrible and depressing. When you are a parent it is your job to find a way to deal with what your kids throw at you ( sometimes literally). If your kids is behaving poorly or in a way that triggers you, that doesn’t excuse terrible behavior by an adult. I can’t believe the people who think this is fine and are twisting this story in knots to put responsibility on everyone except the grown man who behaved terribly. I’m not one of the people screaming divorce but he should feel horrified, shamed and scared by his behavior and really thinking how he’s going to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again. Because he’s the adult- he needs to deal with his kid appropriately. I say that as someone with a different, difficult kid who has hurt me in the past and who has not handled things perfectly. But being in denial and talking about what a child “should” be doing while not acknowledging that this was dangerous and can’t happen again is absolutely insane.

[Anonymous]

Was the 8 year unable to turn the light on? Did he ask for help?