DH put hands on 8 y/o son's neck

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.


Not a troll. The kid was being violent. He went after his brother, then his father. Something is wrong there.


This, what consequences are you giving the child. It's ok for Dad to physically remove the child or stop them from the behavior. You are raising a brat. What are you doing about it beyond blaming Dad?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.


An 8 year old fighting his little brother is not necessarily a violent child. Boys fight, you have to make sure they are safe. You don’t do that by putting your hands on someone’s neck. Ever.


It's completely not acceptable for kids to fight. It's a parenting issue if you re allowing it in your home. Dad was right to stop it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.


Not a troll. The kid was being violent. He went after his brother, then his father. Something is wrong there.

+1. And 8 is old enough to know he can get away with crying to mommy after he got consequences for punching daddy. He’s not a toddler. This kid seems to be a problem child.


Ok, and whose fault is that? The mom or the dad's, who's yelling "eff you" to his child and putting their hands on his neck?



Op now says that he didn't put his hands on the child's neck.

So we have a father who has an anger problem.
A mother who exaggerates/ lies
An 8 year old who lies and has an anger problem
A younger sibling who has to deal with all of the above and get s beat up by older sibling and mom defends the older sibling.
Family therapy and parenting classes at a minimum.


She says he DID put his hands around the child’s neck and lifted him/ moved him harshly away using his neck. Pressure or not, you can cause a spinal injury by doing this and this child is not safe in this home .
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.


+1. I would start with professional help for the child. It sounds like you are dealing with a very difficult situation here.



This is the impression I get as well. That mom.and dad have been in denial about the kids issues, but he's becoming more violent and now hurting the sibling.
What's concerning is that dad doesn't seem to think there was a problem with how he reacted. It should have shaken him to the core that he was so rough with his son and he should be begging for professional intervention for them both
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a child who is violent. I remember the shock I felt when it started. I wish that we had the perfect reactions - but I’m not really sure what that would have been. Over time and through a lot of medical treatment with my son, we got better at anticipating and avoiding.

I say this to point out that you have a child that crossed a hard line. Your husband may have reacted badly. It’s time to discuss bringing the professionals and, in a calmer time, discuss boundaries. But there is a lot of heat of the moment reactions that will never be perfect. And everyone who is now saying run and divorce probably don’t have violent kids. But you do.


An 8 year old fighting his little brother is not necessarily a violent child. Boys fight, you have to make sure they are safe. You don’t do that by putting your hands on someone’s neck. Ever.


It's completely not acceptable for kids to fight. It's a parenting issue if you re allowing it in your home. Dad was right to stop it.

By screaming “F*** you” and him and lifting him by his throat? No.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.


Not a troll. The kid was being violent. He went after his brother, then his father. Something is wrong there.

+1. And 8 is old enough to know he can get away with crying to mommy after he got consequences for punching daddy. He’s not a toddler. This kid seems to be a problem child.


Ok, and whose fault is that? The mom or the dad's, who's yelling "eff you" to his child and putting their hands on his neck?



Op now says that he didn't put his hands on the child's neck.

So we have a father who has an anger problem.
A mother who exaggerates/ lies
An 8 year old who lies and has an anger problem
A younger sibling who has to deal with all of the above and get s beat up by older sibling and mom defends the older sibling.
Family therapy and parenting classes at a minimum.



OP here. I have maintained this whole time that DH did indeed put his hands on DS neck. DH himself admits that. I subsequently asked if there is a difference between putting hands on someone's neck vs choking them, ie squeezing on the throat while having your hands around someone's neck.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You get the 8 year old to settle down.


Not a troll. The kid was being violent. He went after his brother, then his father. Something is wrong there.

+1. And 8 is old enough to know he can get away with crying to mommy after he got consequences for punching daddy. He’s not a toddler. This kid seems to be a problem child.


Ok, and whose fault is that? The mom or the dad's, who's yelling "eff you" to his child and putting their hands on his neck?



Op now says that he didn't put his hands on the child's neck.

So we have a father who has an anger problem.
A mother who exaggerates/ lies
An 8 year old who lies and has an anger problem
A younger sibling who has to deal with all of the above and get s beat up by older sibling and mom defends the older sibling.
Family therapy and parenting classes at a minimum.


That's absolutely not what she said.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In the midst of a stressful situation, DS, 8, was sent to his room for fighting with his little brother. DH went in after him to turn a light on and DS started swinging at him, repeatedly. DH responded by grabbing DS by the neck and throwing him on his bed.

I came in on the heels of this, with DS crying and saying he put his hands on my neck, and DH saying he "had to defend himself from haymakers."

This is the first time DH has put hands on kids in the family or me. He does have anger issues and has twice in the past month screamed "f*ck you or go f*ck yourself" to the same child, who when bounding across the room or play wrestling, has hurt him. DH says these are "snap reactions" to being physically hurt when not expecting it.

Where do I go from here?



And not the last. He's escalating.

OP, many, many parents have been in stressful situations with 8 year olds hitting them and have not responded by putting their hands around their child's neck.

Make a plan to leave. If you think he will be angry and not remorseful, make the plan in secret.

https://www.thehotline.org/


If you choose to leave do it in secret and tell a trusted friend. If I was in your husband’s situation and I was told you have to do xyz I’d flip the f out and I can’t guarantee anyone would come out alive .
Anonymous
Sounds like your family needs therapy, at least your son and DH. Impulsiveness and aggressive tendencies and/or responses are not okay in anyone.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP again. He and my son are saying there was no "strangling" or pressure on the neck, does this matter? I looked immediately afterwards and saw no marks.

In my mind there are 1k ways to restrain a child or leave the situation without putting hands on the neck. Even moving a child to the bed in a somewhat rough manner by picking them up around the waist or shoulders....





Domestic Violence advocate here. Just want to let everyone know that strangulation, hands in throat, etc don’t have to leave a mark to do damage. Many times swelling happens internally.

I agree with many here that father needs anger management classes. This was not a good way to handle the situation.
Anonymous
Something needs to be done about both of them. Sounds like they both need to learn to keep their hands to themselves.
Anonymous
Did he put his hands on the front of his neck (the throat) or the back?

I've put my hands on my kid's shoulder, with fingers on the back of their neck, or the back of their neck. I could see, as an adult putting my hands on a kid's shoulders to move them to the end of my arms and thus out of reach of me if they were throwing punches.

I can't imagine putting my hands on a kid's throat. That's a totally different thing. Even with no pressure it carries the connotation of a threat and is very concerning.
Anonymous
OP, none of us can say if your kid is out of control. It might be worth having some help from a professional for him, but your husband really endangered your son, and that absolutely can’t happen again. I have a child with ADHD and we were looking at potential ODD diagnosis at a younger age and there was some scary hitting (I understand being hit by a 5 year old is not the same as a 10 year old, I am not saying it’s equivalent). Anyone one time I roughly tossed my child away from me and on the bed after a bite to the neck. I was beyond horrified and we instituted a policy no one puts hands in anyone for any reason. If a child is hitting or hurting everyone leaves. This was helpful to stop these situations from escalating on the kids end but also I just had to be sure I would never be rough with my child ever again. We later did parent training and learned that for kids like ours, that’s the recommendation. You can institute consequences and work on him making restitution later when he is calm. There should e a consequence for a child that age hitting a parent but it doesn’t have to be a time out. And your husband absolutely can’t model violence.

I hope your husband is as horrified as I was and open to professional help and makes some big changes. I would really minimize the amount of time he is alone with that child in particular for a while.
Anonymous
Your kid is out of control. My kid would have got a spanking from me for misbehaving in the first place. It would have never reached this stage.

However, you cannot spank a kid when in the first place you are a negligent, aloof and cold parent. I feel sorry for all of you. All of you are hurting. You all need therapy.



Anonymous
Here’s the detail that hasn’t been examined and needs to be so that the family can learn to de-escalate - the kid had already attacked younger sibling and retreated to his room and dad went in there while the kid was in a heightened state to “turn on a light.” What? The kid was emotionally flooded and the dad barged into his room. No wonder the kid attacked. You can’t go barging in on an emotionally flooded kid’s room for your own agenda. Not good. What was he saying as he entered the room? Why did he do this? Worth exploring with a therapist.
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