Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Seems to me OP wants a SAHW but also wants to use this opportunity to squeeze concessions out of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems to me OP wants a SAHW but also wants to use this opportunity to squeeze concessions out of her.

As he should. His wife isn't a partner, she's a leech.

[Anonymous]

She must adapt to a monthly spending budget for the fun stuff -- home decoration, a new shirt for me, etc. I was a SAHM, I alloted myself $80/month ($40 per pay period) when we lived in NOVA. My husband never told me to set a limit, I set this limit on myself. If I am staying home, then I must adapt to a tighter budget that reflects the fact that I am not bring in a paycheck. I mostly spent the money on clearance rack home decoration items (Ross, Home Goods, et al) and small items I needed (a new eyebrow pencil, pack of socks, a new pair of pants, etc.). If I spent the $40 in one sitting on one home dec item, that was it for two weeks. My pair pants would be bought in the next spending cycle.

I also managed our bank accounts, paid all of the bills, and knew exactly what our checking account balance was from day to day.

Yes, your wife will need to stick to a much tighter budget, monitor her expenditures and stick to a limit, and become the family money manager. It is very doable, but she will need to be very self disciplined to pull it off. Can she do that?

[Anonymous]

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.
^^
Let's just look at the budget for her self care:
Massages - $80/week >>$4160/year
Facials - $80/week >> $4160/year (conservative - many facials are a lot more than this)
Nails - $40/every 2 weeks >>$1040/year
Hair (probably color/cut) >> $150/6 weeks >>$1300/year (this might be very conservative guess)
Gym Membersip >$90/month >> $1080/year
TOTAL: $11,740 a year.

I'm sorry but this is INSANE. This doesn't include her clothes, purses, shoes, make-up, etc that are probably high end. I would not let someone who spends like this quit working, and I would absolutely look at a budget going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a section on the Mr Money Mustache website on how to get your spouse on board with a budget. You'll have to look around a bit on the website but it is there.

If she wants to be a SAHM it is doable but ya'll have to drastically cut expenses.

Sell a car. Buy clothes at thrift shops. Get food at grocery stores etc. Do nails at home. Massage once a year as a birthday gift.

MMM was a scam living off ad income AND they divorced

https://www.thedailybeast.com/mr-money-mustache-announces-divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have two problems that are related, but definitely separate:
(1) Your wife spends too much and does not want to stop or even talk about stopping
(2) Your income cannot support your spending now that you have a kid.

Those expenses you've listed? Even when our HH income was 2x yours, I didn't spend as much on my own personal grooming in a year as your wife spends in a month. She clearly values these highly, as that's where the money goes. But your income cannot support it, even without a kid, if she isn't working. You need to create an income/expenses chart, with or without her. It'll become apparent that this spending cannot continue with a kid(s) in the picture.

Also, I'm going to tell you that you're going to outgrow that condo, unless it's a big one, once baby #2 arrives. Two sets of friends who had 3br condos (1200-1500 sq ft) and very young kids have gone to the suburbs. One of them thought they'd be in the city much longer, but they weren't happy when they just ran out of space. We're in a 3br condo (half of a Victorian rowhouse) with two little kids and it's tight, but doable. You need to spend less/save more just for the move to a SFH that you plan.

But all of this is a moot point until your wife gets on board. I'd delay baby #2 until she does.

Eh, maybe/maybe not about housing. We lived in a 700 sq ft 2 br apartment with 2 kids. We have friends with 3 elementary aged kids who live in a 2 br apartment & have for years. Many people in NYC do as well.

[Anonymous]

Of course she needs a budget ( as do you.) This is ridiculous. Have a household budget and from there decide on an “allowance” so each can do whatever.

Budget may include baby clothes, activities, etc but you still need a household budget.

Also, it looks like someone totaled her spending To 11k so perHaps after first year, she gets a pt job to bring that in or at least half.

I loved being at home but about 8 mos mark I worked at a small shop two evenings a week to get out of house. It was great. At 18 mos my old boss asked me to do some consulting and that was great!

By early elem I was back 3 days at another org doing what I love with excellent compensation. This is a fluid time - encourage, support, enjoy baby but budgeting is a life skill!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Btdt: she should work part-time to keep foot in the door
2. I thought nanny share was where nanny would work for you 2 days and someone else 3 days. You paid her for your two days and they paid for their 3 days and you didn’t necessarily have to interact. At end of year you gave her W2 for amount you paid and other family gives W2 for amount they paid. Each family is responsible for the taxes, etc. on the amount they pay. Am I wrong? You aren’t one joint employer.
3. To have the discussion, you need to look at ALL expenses (including yours) and decide what are necessities and what can be given up. You said you are older parents. Do you have sufficient life insurance on both of you? Does she get health insurance through her job or yours? Have you planned for college?
4. Sounds like you both would like to move to a house soon. Interest rates have almost doubled so your buying power is less unless you can pay in cash. You may need to stay in your condo much longer than anticipated. Are you comfortable with the schools?
5. You said you cook. Do you cook the items from the meal services? If not, who does and when do they get eaten? It seems like if you cook (and are willing to grocery shop), this is something you can mutually agree to drop.

We've done nanny shares a few different ways. It can be a great flexible option but you are not going to get around working with the other family - your vacation schedules will have to be coordinated and any leave approved by both families, etc. Would you expect the nanny to care for sick kids? It does complicate things quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.
^^
Let's just look at the budget for her self care:
Massages - $80/week >>$4160/year
Facials - $80/week >> $4160/year (conservative - many facials are a lot more than this)
Nails - $40/every 2 weeks >>$1040/year
Hair (probably color/cut) >> $150/6 weeks >>$1300/year (this might be very conservative guess)
Gym Membersip >$90/month >> $1080/year
TOTAL: $11,740 a year.

I'm sorry but this is INSANE. This doesn't include her clothes, purses, shoes, make-up, etc that are probably high end. I would not let someone who spends like this quit working, and I would absolutely look at a budget going forward.

Agree. I’m a SAHM, HHI is 900k. We don’t even have a house cleaner or outsource yard work. I do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping.
I don’t get massages or nails done at all. We do belong to a gym as a family but we all use membership. My only large self care expenses are dying hair every 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems to me OP wants a SAHW but also wants to use this opportunity to squeeze concessions out of her.

As he should. His wife isn't a partner, she's a leech.

Then why does he want her to stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.
^^
Let's just look at the budget for her self care:
Massages - $80/week >>$4160/year
Facials - $80/week >> $4160/year (conservative - many facials are a lot more than this)
Nails - $40/every 2 weeks >>$1040/year
Hair (probably color/cut) >> $150/6 weeks >>$1300/year (this might be very conservative guess)
Gym Membersip >$90/month >> $1080/year
TOTAL: $11,740 a year.

I'm sorry but this is INSANE. This doesn't include her clothes, purses, shoes, make-up, etc that are probably high end. I would not let someone who spends like this quit working, and I would absolutely look at a budget going forward.

Agree. I’m a SAHM, HHI is 900k. We don’t even have a house cleaner or outsource yard work. I do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping.
I don’t get massages or nails done at all. We do belong to a gym as a family but we all use membership. My only large self care expenses are dying hair every 6 weeks.

Well that’s sad. Why on earth do you live like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two problems that are related, but definitely separate:
(1) Your wife spends too much and does not want to stop or even talk about stopping
(2) Your income cannot support your spending now that you have a kid.

Those expenses you've listed? Even when our HH income was 2x yours, I didn't spend as much on my own personal grooming in a year as your wife spends in a month. She clearly values these highly, as that's where the money goes. But your income cannot support it, even without a kid, if she isn't working. You need to create an income/expenses chart, with or without her. It'll become apparent that this spending cannot continue with a kid(s) in the picture.

Also, I'm going to tell you that you're going to outgrow that condo, unless it's a big one, once baby #2 arrives. Two sets of friends who had 3br condos (1200-1500 sq ft) and very young kids have gone to the suburbs. One of them thought they'd be in the city much longer, but they weren't happy when they just ran out of space. We're in a 3br condo (half of a Victorian rowhouse) with two little kids and it's tight, but doable. You need to spend less/save more just for the move to a SFH that you plan.

But all of this is a moot point until your wife gets on board. I'd delay baby #2 until she does.

Eh, maybe/maybe not about housing. We lived in a 700 sq ft 2 br apartment with 2 kids. We have friends with 3 elementary aged kids who live in a 2 br apartment & have for years. Many people in NYC do as well.

Sure you can live in a 700 sq ft apartment. But your kids friends hate doing playdates because of the hassle of parking and lack of green space. Your kids will get less exercise because they only get exercise when YOU have time to walk them to park or dig the bike out of the storage unit. Its such a headache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ma SAHM. My husband and I both have the same “allowance “, but we call it a budget. We each have $300 a month that we can spend on anything—no questions asked. It doesn’t feel icky if you’re both doing it.

icky? Are you 4 years old??

[Anonymous]

What is your income trajectory OP?

[Anonymous]

This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.