Husband cheated with high school sweetheart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

You are both naive because it hasn't happened to you. And btw, it's not as easy as people think to keep this stuff secret. For instance, the only person in Robert Hanssen's case who found for the first and second time something happened was his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

[/b]It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this[b].

To cheat when you are married? Yes, it is abominably selfish and you have to be mentally ill if not supremely dishonest and untrustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

You are both naive because it hasn't happened to you. And btw, it's not as easy as people think to keep this stuff secret. For instance, the only person in Robert Hanssen's case who found for the first and second time something happened was his wife.

You don’t know what’s happened in my relationships. Most sane people stand by the decision to not disclose if it’s over. Get your own self into therapy, don’t sink the entire ship and especially don’t sink another family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

[/b]It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this[b].

To cheat when you are married? Yes, it is abominably selfish and you have to be mentally ill if not supremely dishonest and untrustworthy.

You are living with your head in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

You are both naive because it hasn't happened to you. And btw, it's not as easy as people think to keep this stuff secret. For instance, the only person in Robert Hanssen's case who found for the first and second time something happened was his wife.

You don’t know what’s happened in my relationships. Most sane people stand by the decision to not disclose if it’s over. Get your own self into therapy, don’t sink the entire ship and especially don’t sink another family.

Yes. Cheating with someone married, sinks ANOTHER family. Don't enter someone else's marriage. Period. If you have to be a slut, at least bang someone single and ruin only your OWN family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

[/b]It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this[b].

To cheat when you are married? Yes, it is abominably selfish and you have to be mentally ill if not supremely dishonest and untrustworthy.

You are living with your head in the sand.

To think married cheating is bad? No. I'd say I'm well aware of all the devastation, disease and trauma this causes. Head in the sand is thinking cheating while married is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OW is married. She’s scorned and told OP to hurt her husband. I just don’t believe a married woman with children would risk hurting them. If she is married, don’t tell her husband. It’s not OPs responsibility. If OW has kids, you’d be a truly crappy person to willfully change the trajectory of innocent kid’s lives. Pay attention to our country right now. OWs husband could seek his own revenge on OPs husband. Deal with your issues without dragging the innocent into it.

My DH had an affair with a married woman. When he broke it off she went nuts and did a few disturbing things that made us realize she was capable of doing a lot more damage. I was sooo tempted to call her DH. I don’t know if he knows, but I really don’t want to find out what this psycho woman is capable of if I tell him. She’s married with two young kids! I guess she thought my DH was her ticket out of that marriage. In any case, she deserves to be exposed and I hope the rest of her life is as miserable possible. I’m going to trust karma to take care of that and protect myself and kids from any more of her insanity.

I’m sorry you were in this situation. You seem remarkably on the same page as your husband though- like his AP harmed both of you and none of the blame lies with your DH, and you’re thankful he stayed with you instead of leaving? I hope that attitude isn’t the case and he actually earned whatever forgiveness you’ve shown him.

PP here. My husband took plenty of the blame. It has fundamentally changed his life and our relationship. He will live with that forever. It is a long road to forgiveness that we are still navigating. But the separate issue is that the AP is going out of her way after the fact to inflict as much damage as she can. That is completely on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

Okay, and I feel differently and I would want to know, and I know a lot of people agree with me.

I also find it odd that you think that telling would break up another family and destroy the children' lives. Infidelity is not automatic divorce to me. Plus, the "once a cheater always a cheater" is not always accurate but it's a trope for a reason. If somebody has one ongoing affair, even if that's over and done with, there is a good likelihood they'll do it again if they don't have any consequences.

[Anonymous]

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

How could you possibly think the selfish and psychotic person in this scenario is the betrayed spouse?? The person responsible for breaking up the family - if that happens - is the parent who chose to betray the family. It’s great that you think burying your head in the sand is the solution to any issue, but many people disagree. That’s not “misplaced moralism,” it’s honesty. IMO, if a spouse cheats and it goes undisclosed, that marriage is definitely mired in a lie. About the only thing in your crazy, nonsensical post that makes sense is that people should think before they act - and cheaters should think about the potential pain and destruction their actions might engender before acting on their impulses and blowing through boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three years? And I'd bet she wasn't the only one.

Kick him out.

I bet she was.

You weren't, sorry. You were played too.

People who just cheat with multiple people for sex don't do it over a three year period with a high school sweetheart. That's a relationship, that's risky entanglement. Much easier to just meet different women on the side and drop them as things get more serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three years? And I'd bet she wasn't the only one.

Kick him out.

I bet she was.

You weren't, sorry. You were played too.

People who just cheat with multiple people for sex don't do it over a three year period with a high school sweetheart. That's a relationship, that's risky entanglement. Much easier to just meet different women on the side and drop them as things get more serious.

Much easier not to cheat and spin lies and expose your spouse to disease and your family to psychos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

I'm a DW that has neither cheated nor been cheated on in any of my relationships, as far as I know, and I agree with this. Life is more complicated than DCUM makes it seem.

You are both naive because it hasn't happened to you. And btw, it's not as easy as people think to keep this stuff secret. For instance, the only person in Robert Hanssen's case who found for the first and second time something happened was his wife.

You don’t know what’s happened in my relationships. Most sane people stand by the decision to not disclose if it’s over. Get your own self into therapy, don’t sink the entire ship and especially don’t sink another family.

Yes. Cheating with someone married, sinks ANOTHER family. Don't enter someone else's marriage. Period. If you have to be a slut, at least bang someone single and ruin only your OWN family.

That's a feature, not a bug. A lot of cheaters want to cheat with other married people, they think it's more likely to be kept secret. Mutually assured destruction and all. Feels safer than a single with nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think concerns about something bad happening if the betrayed spouse ratted out the OW to her own spouse are overblown. I know it happens, but I think for most people its highly unlikely Most people who have affairs are just regular people who made bad decisions, not sociopaths.

So that (coupled with my belief that people have a right to know who they are sleeping with) is why if I found out my husband was sleeping with a married woman, I'd tell her husband.

It is just abominably selfish and psychotic to do this. Can you imagine breaking up another family and destroying children's lives because of some misplaced moralism? Half of people cheat. We need to do better at understanding our own relationships, problems, failings, and societal constructs before we go nuclear.

I personally would not want to know if DH cheated because I would never get over it. If it's over and done with, and we can find a way to move on, I would rather fly blind. It doesn't mean my life is a lie. I have a rich inner life and outer life without DH and I don't need to share everything with him. Sure, sleeping around is a betrayal, but disclosing only leads to pain and destruction. Think before you act.

Okay, and I feel differently and I would want to know, and I know a lot of people agree with me.

I also find it odd that you think that telling would break up another family and destroy the children' lives. Infidelity is not automatic divorce to me. Plus, the "once a cheater always a cheater" is not always accurate but it's a trope for a reason. If somebody has one ongoing affair, even if that's over and done with, there is a good likelihood they'll do it again if they don't have any consequences.

+1. Hard disagree with PP, I would certainly want to know and be told if my spouse was cheating on me. Not telling deprives someone of real agency over their own life. No one is obligated to disclose, of course, but I would want to be told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three years? And I'd bet she wasn't the only one.

Kick him out.

I bet she was.

You weren't, sorry. You were played too.

People who just cheat with multiple people for sex don't do it over a three year period with a high school sweetheart. That's a relationship, that's risky entanglement. Much easier to just meet different women on the side and drop them as things get more serious.

Much easier not to cheat and spin lies and expose your spouse to disease and your family to psychos.

There we agree!