Husband cheated with high school sweetheart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years? He clearly is over you. I’m so sorry. Do not take him back.

3 years with what? 4 trips a year? These are t relationships. They are booty calls when he’s in town.

You can’t think of this in terms of a normal relationship when they see each other everyday or multiple times a week.

It was scant. He had his cake and ate it too.

This is so common it’s not even that interesting. 50% of middle aged men have cheated. To them, it’s not love for gods sakes which is why crazy is trying to blow up his life.

BS. There's no telling what kind of conversations they're having, what kind of plans they were making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

This site is the worst. PPs, you are psychos to hurt OP like this.

OP, I’m not in the all cheaters are awful camp , so I’ll get roasted here too but consider that we are all human, [b]we make mistakes[/b], and sometimes we fall in love with people we shouldn’t . (That said, she sounds really awful.)

PS No, I’ve neither cheated nor been cheated on but I have been tempted and found it a very difficult time. I hope I would have compassion for my DH if he found himself in a similar situation and gave into temptation.

A three -year affair is not a "mistake."

[Anonymous]

3 years with what? 4 trips a year? These are t relationships. They are booty calls when he’s in town.

You can’t think of this in terms of a normal relationship when they see each other everyday or multiple times a week.

It was scant. He had his cake and ate it too.

This is so common it’s not even that interesting. 50% of middle aged men have cheated. To them, it’s not love for gods sakes which is why crazy is trying to blow up his life.

This post must have been written by a cheater or a cheated-on spouse contorting themselves like crazy to excuse this kind of cheating, where the cheater and AP see each other as booty calls on work trips etc.

What this PP does not want to see is that those "four trips a year, three years, booty calls" that are "not love" actually are just as damaging and cruel , in their own way, as whatever PP considers a "relationship." Why? Because the cheaters have to plan, plot, deal with logistics of who will be where and when. They arrange travel and even their work schedule around the AP. It's different from an affair with the regular, nearby neighbor or "in our social circle" friend, yes, but it's just as awful. Only in a different way.

This PP is working hard to dismiss cheating on business trips as merely sex, not a relationship, not love. Doesn't matter. It's still cheating.

And saying "this is so common" and tossing out supposed statistics does not make those things true.

[Anonymous]

^ much less worse than 40 f”@ks with a neighbor abs someone you see all the time…in your circle.

Come on, now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This is excellent advice. I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision. My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first! I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life. This really helped me just make it through the day. I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better. I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system. They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me. Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone. I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with. We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation. I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.

+1,000,000

They have no idea until they look and see exactly what their actions did to others. And only if they are self-aware and decent do they feel like a big piece of remorseful sh*t and spend the rest of their days making up for it and actively fixing what is defective inside themselves.

Exactly this. DH was shocked how profoundly his affair affected me. Things weren't terribly great between us at the time of the affair, and he thought I wouldn't care that much. When he realized how wrong he was, he clearly felt like the scumbag he was and has been trying to get his life together ever since. Worst mistake of his life and one he will now how to spend the rest of life atoning for. What an idiot.

+3,000,000

DP. I will add, he didn’t realize how badly it affected himself as well when it all came to light. He hit a major rock bottom and he went through a lot of mental health issues and therapy when what he was doing was not the person he ever wanted to be (hello FIL). He also went dry for a year. Complete identity crisis.

What do you mean he went dry, like never ejaculated for a year?

Alcohol. He was drinking more and more, out of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only people advising not telling the AP’s husband are cheaters.

No. They don't want to get killed by AP's husband.

+1

https://www.abc4.com/news/top-stories/the-justice-files-forensics-and-cold-case-detective-bring-closure-to-1991-murder/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This is excellent advice. I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision. My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first! I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life. This really helped me just make it through the day. I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better. I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system. They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me. Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone. I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with. We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation. I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.

+1,000,000

They have no idea until they look and see exactly what their actions did to others. And only if they are self-aware and decent do they feel like a big piece of remorseful sh*t and spend the rest of their days making up for it and actively fixing what is defective inside themselves.

Exactly this. DH was shocked how profoundly his affair affected me. Things weren't terribly great between us at the time of the affair, and he thought I wouldn't care that much. When he realized how wrong he was, he clearly felt like the scumbag he was and has been trying to get his life together ever since. Worst mistake of his life and one he will now how to spend the rest of life atoning for. What an idiot.

+3,000,000

DP. I will add, he didn’t realize how badly it affected himself as well when it all came to light. He hit a major rock bottom and he went through a lot of mental health issues and therapy when what he was doing was not the person he ever wanted to be (hello FIL). He also went dry for a year. Complete identity crisis.

What do you mean he went dry, like never ejaculated for a year?

She means he totally fixed himself and did so by spinning tales about his multi year Ashley Madison adventures.

[Anonymous]

Did OP ever come back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ much less worse than 40 f”@ks with a neighbor abs someone you see all the time…in your circle.

Come on, now.

Whether it's 40 F*#ks with the neighbor or four times a year with the work-trip "sweetheart" does not matter. Both are cheating, both are wrong, both involve the DH making arrangements and plans to cheat. He's not simply helplessly falling into bed in either case. Why do you think that somehow the number of times a cheater f*@ks in a given year somehow matters? So cheating is less bad if it's confined to work trips and worse if it's X times a week when at home? Scum. Either way. The screwing with a woman from the neighborhood, the kids' school, the social circle may feel like more of a betrayal to a wife because the wife realizes she's been seeing and interacting with a woman the DH has been screwing. But it's no more or less cheating than cheating with the HS sweetheart when out of town. It's not about the frequency of f*#ks. It's about the DH thinking it's acceptable to cheat. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 years with what? 4 trips a year? These are t relationships. They are booty calls when he’s in town.

You can’t think of this in terms of a normal relationship when they see each other everyday or multiple times a week.

It was scant. He had his cake and ate it too.

This is so common it’s not even that interesting. 50% of middle aged men have cheated. To them, it’s not love for gods sakes which is why crazy is trying to blow up his life.

This post must have been written by a cheater or a cheated-on spouse contorting themselves like crazy to excuse this kind of cheating, where the cheater and AP see each other as booty calls on work trips etc.

What this PP does not want to see is that those "four trips a year, three years, booty calls" that are "not love" actually are just as damaging and cruel , in their own way, as whatever PP considers a "relationship." Why? Because the cheaters have to plan, plot, deal with logistics of who will be where and when. They arrange travel and even their work schedule around the AP. It's different from an affair with the regular, nearby neighbor or "in our social circle" friend, yes, but it's just as awful. Only in a different way.

This PP is working hard to dismiss cheating on business trips as merely sex, not a relationship, not love. Doesn't matter. It's still cheating.

And saying "this is so common" and tossing out supposed statistics does not make those things true.

Agree. That person just wants to believe that a cheating spouse can't have a relationship with someone else just because they don't see each other often. I guarantee they talk often. There are plenty people in long distance relationships that talk every day, Facetime, have phone/text sex. It is possible (and likely in a lot of cases) that cheating spouses have relationships with their APs. These APs know plenty about the cheater's life including things about the betrayed spouse, children, work. Her husband clearly cheated with someone he knows well. This isn't the run of the mill one-off romp at a local hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years with what? 4 trips a year? These are t relationships. They are booty calls when he’s in town.

You can’t think of this in terms of a normal relationship when they see each other everyday or multiple times a week.

It was scant. He had his cake and ate it too.

This is so common it’s not even that interesting. 50% of middle aged men have cheated. To them, it’s not love for gods sakes which is why crazy is trying to blow up his life.

This post must have been written by a cheater or a cheated-on spouse contorting themselves like crazy to excuse this kind of cheating, where the cheater and AP see each other as booty calls on work trips etc.

What this PP does not want to see is that those "four trips a year, three years, booty calls" that are "not love" actually are just as damaging and cruel , in their own way, as whatever PP considers a "relationship." Why? Because the cheaters have to plan, plot, deal with logistics of who will be where and when. They arrange travel and even their work schedule around the AP. It's different from an affair with the regular, nearby neighbor or "in our social circle" friend, yes, but it's just as awful. Only in a different way.

This PP is working hard to dismiss cheating on business trips as merely sex, not a relationship, not love. Doesn't matter. It's still cheating.

And saying "this is so common" and tossing out supposed statistics does not make those things true.

Agree. That person just wants to believe that a cheating spouse can't have a relationship with someone else just because they don't see each other often. I guarantee they talk often. There are plenty people in long distance relationships that talk every day, Facetime, have phone/text sex. It is possible (and likely in a lot of cases) that cheating spouses have relationships with their APs. These APs know plenty about the cheater's life including things about the betrayed spouse, children, work. Her husband clearly cheated with someone he knows well. This isn't the run of the mill one-off romp at a local hotel.

DP. I don’t see the difference between a one-off romp and a full-blown affair. Both are cheating, both are betrayals, both are hurtful, I would not forgive either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years with what? 4 trips a year? These are t relationships. They are booty calls when he’s in town.

You can’t think of this in terms of a normal relationship when they see each other everyday or multiple times a week.

It was scant. He had his cake and ate it too.

This is so common it’s not even that interesting. 50% of middle aged men have cheated. To them, it’s not love for gods sakes which is why crazy is trying to blow up his life.

This post must have been written by a cheater or a cheated-on spouse contorting themselves like crazy to excuse this kind of cheating, where the cheater and AP see each other as booty calls on work trips etc.

What this PP does not want to see is that those "four trips a year, three years, booty calls" that are "not love" actually are just as damaging and cruel , in their own way, as whatever PP considers a "relationship." Why? Because the cheaters have to plan, plot, deal with logistics of who will be where and when. They arrange travel and even their work schedule around the AP. It's different from an affair with the regular, nearby neighbor or "in our social circle" friend, yes, but it's just as awful. Only in a different way.

This PP is working hard to dismiss cheating on business trips as merely sex, not a relationship, not love. Doesn't matter. It's still cheating.

And saying "this is so common" and tossing out supposed statistics does not make those things true.

Agree. That person just wants to believe that a cheating spouse can't have a relationship with someone else just because they don't see each other often. I guarantee they talk often. There are plenty people in long distance relationships that talk every day, Facetime, have phone/text sex. It is possible (and likely in a lot of cases) that cheating spouses have relationships with their APs. These APs know plenty about the cheater's life including things about the betrayed spouse, children, work. Her husband clearly cheated with someone he knows well. This isn't the run of the mill one-off romp at a local hotel.

DP. I don’t see the difference between a one-off romp and a full-blown affair. Both are cheating, both are betrayals, both are hurtful, I would not forgive either.

All cheating is wrong. All cheating is extremely traumatic to the betrayed. Yes.

If you can’t believe there are degrees to the trauma based on circumstances you are clueless.

If your best friend or sibling banged your spouse that would be double betrayal. If your spouse spent every day at work and had nooners that would be different. If they spent so much of their free time/family time with this person robbing their kids of time that would be worse. If it was no-strings vs passionate affair that would be different. Length of time it went on. How it ended. Confession or discovered. Who the person was? Did they spend lots of $? Was this in a long marriage or were they cheating right out of the gate? Was it a happy marriage with strong foundation or did they never really love each other but settled.

Again, there is no excuse for cheating. However, to think the type/degree, etc does not have any weight to the trauma level is ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years with what? 4 trips a year? These are t relationships. They are booty calls when he’s in town.

You can’t think of this in terms of a normal relationship when they see each other everyday or multiple times a week.

It was scant. He had his cake and ate it too.

This is so common it’s not even that interesting. 50% of middle aged men have cheated. To them, it’s not love for gods sakes which is why crazy is trying to blow up his life.

This post must have been written by a cheater or a cheated-on spouse contorting themselves like crazy to excuse this kind of cheating, where the cheater and AP see each other as booty calls on work trips etc.

What this PP does not want to see is that those "four trips a year, three years, booty calls" that are "not love" actually are just as damaging and cruel , in their own way, as whatever PP considers a "relationship." Why? Because the cheaters have to plan, plot, deal with logistics of who will be where and when. They arrange travel and even their work schedule around the AP. It's different from an affair with the regular, nearby neighbor or "in our social circle" friend, yes, but it's just as awful. Only in a different way.

This PP is working hard to dismiss cheating on business trips as merely sex, not a relationship, not love. Doesn't matter. It's still cheating.

And saying "this is so common" and tossing out supposed statistics does not make those things true.

Agree. That person just wants to believe that a cheating spouse can't have a relationship with someone else just because they don't see each other often. I guarantee they talk often. There are plenty people in long distance relationships that talk every day, Facetime, have phone/text sex. It is possible (and likely in a lot of cases) that cheating spouses have relationships with their APs. These APs know plenty about the cheater's life including things about the betrayed spouse, children, work. Her husband clearly cheated with someone he knows well. This isn't the run of the mill one-off romp at a local hotel.

DP. I don’t see the difference between a one-off romp and a full-blown affair. Both are cheating, both are betrayals, both are hurtful, I would not forgive either.

A ONS vs a long affair? I think a person will have a much greater time dealing with the trauma of being betrayed for years than one drunken night. Both awful, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 years with what? 4 trips a year? These are t relationships. They are booty calls when he’s in town.

You can’t think of this in terms of a normal relationship when they see each other everyday or multiple times a week.

It was scant. He had his cake and ate it too.

This is so common it’s not even that interesting. 50% of middle aged men have cheated. To them, it’s not love for gods sakes which is why crazy is trying to blow up his life.

This post must have been written by a cheater or a cheated-on spouse contorting themselves like crazy to excuse this kind of cheating, where the cheater and AP see each other as booty calls on work trips etc.

What this PP does not want to see is that those "four trips a year, three years, booty calls" that are "not love" actually are just as damaging and cruel , in their own way, as whatever PP considers a "relationship." Why? Because the cheaters have to plan, plot, deal with logistics of who will be where and when. They arrange travel and even their work schedule around the AP. It's different from an affair with the regular, nearby neighbor or "in our social circle" friend, yes, but it's just as awful. Only in a different way.

This PP is working hard to dismiss cheating on business trips as merely sex, not a relationship, not love. Doesn't matter. It's still cheating.

And saying "this is so common" and tossing out supposed statistics does not make those things true.

Agree. That person just wants to believe that a cheating spouse can't have a relationship with someone else just because they don't see each other often. I guarantee they talk often. There are plenty people in long distance relationships that talk every day, Facetime, have phone/text sex. It is possible (and likely in a lot of cases) that cheating spouses have relationships with their APs. These APs know plenty about the cheater's life including things about the betrayed spouse, children, work. Her husband clearly cheated with someone he knows well. This isn't the run of the mill one-off romp at a local hotel.

DP. I don’t see the difference between a one-off romp and a full-blown affair. Both are cheating, both are betrayals, both are hurtful, I would not forgive either.

All cheating is wrong. All cheating is extremely traumatic to the betrayed. Yes.

If you can’t believe there are degrees to the trauma based on circumstances you are clueless.

If your best friend or sibling banged your spouse that would be double betrayal. If your spouse spent every day at work and had nooners that would be different. If they spent so much of their free time/family time with this person robbing their kids of time that would be worse. If it was no-strings vs passionate affair that would be different. Length of time it went on. How it ended. Confession or discovered. Who the person was? Did they spend lots of $? Was this in a long marriage or were they cheating right out of the gate? Was it a happy marriage with strong foundation or did they never really love each other but settled.

Again, there is no excuse for cheating. However, to think the type/degree, etc does not have any weight to the trauma level is ignorant.

I completely agree. No one knows what is going on in anyone's marriage or the circumstances around the decision to cheat. Also no ones REALLY knows how they would actually react if they found out their spouse was cheating until it actually happens. You may think you do in your idealistic mind, but life is complicated and marriages evolve in many different ways. I've been there, and it's not so cut dry as you might think looking in from the outside.

[Anonymous]

What did OP do to drive him to cheat?