Husband cheated with high school sweetheart

[Anonymous]

"Never contact me again. I hope you seek the therapy you so desperately need for trying to harm a family with three children."

[Anonymous]

This is spare and biting, but more than she deserves. No answer is the appropriate one, don’t give her the satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Do not communicate with the woman and focus on keeping your family together for your kids, if your husband is otherwise good with you. Many marriages live through affairs. The main point is for him to 100% break up with her, and working towards reconciliation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did get your number?

I'm curious about this too...
Anyway OP, you don't respond to her. Don't engage with her
You deal with your husband. I would start with confronting him with the texts.

The suggestion for individual therapy is a good one
Figure out what you want and need. You don't have to decide if you're leaving or staying today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to individual therapy so you can do what you need to do, whatever that is, from a position of strength.

This. You don't have to decide what you want to do today. Go to therapy and do things to find your own strength, peace and happiness. Also, get your financial affairs in order.

+1 Your priorities are you, your finances and your kids. You don't need to make any decisions right away. You didn't deserve this. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

If she’s a whore than what does that make the husband? Both the husband and AP are equally culpable, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

This, above, is horrible advice from someone who has zero idea about the rest of OP's marriage and whether or not the DH is "otherwise" good.

This advice also is totally contradictory because the PP says: "Do not confront him openly"

But then also says: "...if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship..."

So how does the OP know if her husband wants to "reconcile" and put in any work, if the OP is NOT supposed to tell him that she knows he had an affair? Totally contradictory advice. And this PP also advises OP to keep information "locked in your drawer" and say and do nothing else untll the last of the THREE kids has left for college. For all we know, that could be another decade or more. Why should OP have to sit there, eaten up by this knowledge, for years on end? No, she needs to do what the PP above at 12:03 says.

OP, please, go back and re-read the advice posted at 12:03 by "been there, done that" poster. Collect information and get outside help (therapist, lawyer, bank etc.) to get yourself together for a decision. That does NOT mean you then lock all that information away and bide your time for years while the kids grow up. It does, though, mean that you take your time. And yes, you will be at a point very soon where you will confront your husband. If you do not, well, even if he broke things off with this AP, his having cheated with her makes it likelier that he will cheat again, especially if you do not SAY anything at all or tell him you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

If she’s a whore than what does that make the husband? Both the husband and AP are equally culpable, no?

+1

A few posts here are chiming in as if the DH is a keeper if he's somehow "good" and the OP should be focused on keeping the marriage together "for the kids." I am not a knee-jerk "get divorced!" poster like some on DCUM, but it's going too far in the other direction to let the DH off the hook "for the sake of the kids" or to focus on the AP as the "whore" as if only she is culpable. The DH needs to admit this to the wife. I'd much rather have heard about an affair, yes, even after the fact, from DH than from the AP. That's horrible The DH should already have come clean, and now OP has to confront him instead. The DH had better be ready to work like a dog in constant therapy, stop traveling for work (seriously, I'd make this a requirement even if he had to change jobs, since he knows how to take advantage of work travel to screw) and grovel like hell.

[Anonymous]

Wait,is the other woman married? If so, call her husband, neighbors and co-workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait,is the other woman married? If so, call her husband, neighbors and co-workers.

This is the worst advice in this thread. Please do not do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am writing it as someone whose exH carried over a hidden affair at work for 5 years. He also did it on work trips/abroad. In my case it was a strong emotional connection between the 2 of them, so he would not stop seeing her. And I wanted out, too as I didn't want to live as a family with his AP so involved in my marriage forever.

But if your husband is already broken up with that woman, she's already disposed of and irrelevant. Her texting you shows her weakness. Do not break your marriage over some whore. Particular if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship. You have 3 kids to think of ! If otherwise the marriage felt good (no abuse, alcohol, he is a good earner) try to stick it out. Do not confront him openly, do not talk about a divorce. Give yourself time to line up finances, research lawyers, get all statements. Then keep it locked in your drawer until kids are out for college.

This, above, is horrible advice from someone who has zero idea about the rest of OP's marriage and whether or not the DH is "otherwise" good.

This advice also is totally contradictory because the PP says: "Do not confront him openly"

But then also says: "...if your husband wants to reconcile, work on the relationship..."

So how does the OP know if her husband wants to "reconcile" and put in any work, if the OP is NOT supposed to tell him that she knows he had an affair? Totally contradictory advice. And this PP also advises OP to keep information "locked in your drawer" and say and do nothing else untll the last of the THREE kids has left for college. For all we know, that could be another decade or more. Why should OP have to sit there, eaten up by this knowledge, for years on end? No, she needs to do what the PP above at 12:03 says.

OP, please, go back and re-read the advice posted at 12:03 by "been there, done that" poster. Collect information and get outside help (therapist, lawyer, bank etc.) to get yourself together for a decision. That does NOT mean you then lock all that information away and bide your time for years while the kids grow up. It does, though, mean that you take your time. And yes, you will be at a point very soon where you will confront your husband. If you do not, well, even if he broke things off with this AP, his having cheated with her makes it likelier that he will cheat again, especially if you do not SAY anything at all or tell him you know.

You totally misread my advice (or maybe it wasn't worded together). What I meant under "not confronting" is lawyering up and initiating a divorce on a spot. Of course OP needs to talk to him, each of them attend couples counseling and work through the issues in their marriage. He's not trustworthy so it would be good for OP to have a hidden drawer somewhere with cash and all financial information ready for action: his pension appraisal, a good estimate of home equities, all bank statements etc. Just do not discuss with him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait,is the other woman married? If so, call her husband, neighbors and co-workers.

Do not, do not, do not stoop to this lower-than-dirt level. It would make the OP as trashy as the AP is. It's tempting to want to go nuclear on the AP, I get that. But don't do it.

And it would waste precious time the OP could be using to start seeking a therapist anda lawyer, gathering financial information, and preparing herself for one hell of a serious talk with her DH about not only why he did this, but why she had to hear it from the AP and not from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. He can be an ahole and she can be a B_____ at the same time. She's worse than the husband anyway. To make HIM suffer she threw an innocent woman under the bus. Not cool.

You are very, very much in the minority for having this opinion.

Personally I would be thanking the OW for telling me.

+1 It’s easy to always blame the other woman so you can easily continue forward with your cheating husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. He can be an ahole and she can be a B_____ at the same time. She's worse than the husband anyway. To make HIM suffer she threw an innocent woman under the bus. Not cool.

You are very, very much in the minority for having this opinion.

Personally I would be thanking the OW for telling me.

+1 It’s easy to always blame the other woman so you can easily continue forward with your cheating husband.

^^ this. Hello, if she’s crazy and needs therapy for harming his family, what about him?? He’s the one who is married to her and the father of the kids! I’d thank her every day for telling me what an ass he is. OP, she has handed you the reins. Now you control the situation. Have fun.

[Anonymous]

Wait,is the other woman married? If so, call her husband, neighbors and co-workers.


This is the worst advice in this thread. Please do not do this.

Definitely tell the woman’s spouse, if she is married. He deserves to know.