Feeling sad that I don't have a daughter

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. I have 2 teenage sons. Love them to pieces. But mine don’t share the magical brotherly bond that others have spoken of. In fact they rarely talk to one another and are not chatty huggers with me or my spouse. I typically get one or two word conversations from them in the evenings and tend to learn more about what’s going on at school from their friends’s parents. It is a constant struggle to do things as a family because of their resistance to the concept of family time. They are loners at heart.

For me it’s not a longing for a daughter. It’s a longing for kids who are closer to what some of the PP have written about, kids who are expressive and open. If you have that then it doesn’t matter the gender. I have made my peace with knowing I’m never going to have a relationship with my sons that is characterized by conversation and based on activities I enjoy. They are who they are and I can appreciate their special qualities such as the fact that they have never said a mean word about or to other kids. They are accepting of classmates with special needs. They know a lot about the things that interest them, so that is where I sometimes get more than a short one word conversation with them, by engaging them where they’re at.

FWIW my sons are very like my own brothers and have also inherited the extreme introvert tendencies of my father-in-law. So look around at your families to see the personalities your sons might have inherited. That might help if you see what the adult men in your families are like. It doesn’t mean they’ll be the same. But genetics can be powerful.

Think about them in terms of their personalities rather than gender.

[Anonymous]

Try being grateful that you have children. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t need to seek others for suggestions, you already know this. I feel sorry for the children you have for not being appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have 2 teenage sons. Love them to pieces. But mine don’t share the magical brotherly bond that others have spoken of. In fact they rarely talk to one another and are not chatty huggers with me or my spouse. I typically get one or two word conversations from them in the evenings and tend to learn more about what’s going on at school from their friends’s parents. It is a constant struggle to do things as a family because of their resistance to the concept of family time. They are loners at heart.

For me it’s not a longing for a daughter. It’s a longing for kids who are closer to what some of the PP have written about, kids who are expressive and open. If you have that then it doesn’t matter the gender. I have made my peace with knowing I’m never going to have a relationship with my sons that is characterized by conversation and based on activities I enjoy. They are who they are and I can appreciate their special qualities such as the fact that they have never said a mean word about or to other kids. They are accepting of classmates with special needs. They know a lot about the things that interest them, so that is where I sometimes get more than a short one word conversation with them, by engaging them where they’re at.

FWIW my sons are very like my own brothers and have also inherited the extreme introvert tendencies of my father-in-law. So look around at your families to see the personalities your sons might have inherited. That might help if you see what the adult men in your families are like. It doesn’t mean they’ll be the same. But genetics can be powerful.

Think about them in terms of their personalities rather than gender.

This hits the nail on the head. I think people just search for reasons to explain their situation. "I wish my kids were closer in age so they would be better friends." "I wish my kids were further apart in age so they didn't fight and compete as much." "I wish I had a daughter who would be more emotionally attached to me." "I wish I had a son who wasn't so emotionally volatile at me all the time."

I think it's sad and short sighted that OP already assumes that she will not have any of these experiences with her sons just because of gender stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Op, your thoughts are totally normal. Thanks for bringing up a hard topic. There are a bunch of meanies here today inferring a lot about your relationships from a fairly simple comment about a common sentiment.

A couple posts said that maybe someday you'll get a DIL. As someone who married a man from a family of all boys, I'll say don't rely on this (not that I think you would)! It's way too much pressure on a DIL. But otherwise it's ok to take a little time to observe your feelings about a road not taken out a possible outcome that didn't happen. I don't have any boys, but I sometimes wonder how that would be different. I do have a tomboy who, like me, is not into mani/pedis or shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have 2 teenage sons. Love them to pieces. But mine don’t share the magical brotherly bond that others have spoken of. In fact they rarely talk to one another and are not chatty huggers with me or my spouse. I typically get one or two word conversations from them in the evenings and tend to learn more about what’s going on at school from their friends’s parents. It is a constant struggle to do things as a family because of their resistance to the concept of family time. They are loners at heart.

For me it’s not a longing for a daughter. It’s a longing for kids who are closer to what some of the PP have written about, kids who are expressive and open. If you have that then it doesn’t matter the gender. I have made my peace with knowing I’m never going to have a relationship with my sons that is characterized by conversation and based on activities I enjoy. They are who they are and I can appreciate their special qualities such as the fact that they have never said a mean word about or to other kids. They are accepting of classmates with special needs. They know a lot about the things that interest them, so that is where I sometimes get more than a short one word conversation with them, by engaging them where they’re at.

FWIW my sons are very like my own brothers and have also inherited the extreme introvert tendencies of my father-in-law. So look around at your families to see the personalities your sons might have inherited. That might help if you see what the adult men in your families are like. It doesn’t mean they’ll be the same. But genetics can be powerful.

Think about them in terms of their personalities rather than gender.

This is a very insightful post, thanks for sharing

[Anonymous]

As a lifelong tomboy (a child who was like me would probably identify as nonbinary in the present day), I really wanted a son and not a daughter. I was hoping for a childhood of cars and robots and such.

Well, I got a boy, but he's not a "boy's boy". He's definitely got boy energy and rambunctiousness, but he loves fashion, art, and a lot of girly things. He's awesome anyway.

Life has a way of doing the unexpected and the ironic. Appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try being grateful that you have children. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t need to seek others for suggestions, you already know this. I feel sorry for the children you have for not being appreciated.

Bad take. Sweeping generalization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since this is anonymous OP, I'll admit that I'm so glad I have two daughters for exactly the reasons you outlined. DH loves his parents and is a dutiful Asian son but the level of closeness and frequency of communication is nothing like his sister has with their mom. I don't even like my own mom that much but my kids spend a ton of time at her house and we're in regular communication. It's just a different type of relationship.

Same, 3 daughters 0 sons and I couldn't be happier about it.

[Anonymous]

I think this is why you often see families with three boys. The couple was planning on two, but wanted to try one last time for that girl.

[Anonymous]

I’d be sad too. Boys grow up to be men and typically don’t look after their elderly parents. Nor do they have the same sort of close relationship with their moms. They are more selfish and the DIL takes over. Not always, but often.

Men are also more prone to violence, less likely to graduate college and more likely to suffer health problems at a young age.

I find it bizarre that some people in the US still favor boys.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed, but you don't know what your relationship with a daughter would have been like vs. the relationship you have or are going to have with your sons. People are all different. Some sons are super close to their moms and some daughters are not. My husband is much closer to his parents than I am. He calls them all the time, while I struggle to call every couple of weeks. We see his family much more than we see mine. Also, I hate shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, sons don't call their moms when they grow up as much, they're not as close, they gravitate to the wife's family (if they marry), etc.

This is what I see among family and friends too, especially when grandchildren are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a lifelong tomboy (a child who was like me would probably identify as nonbinary in the present day), I really wanted a son and not a daughter. I was hoping for a childhood of cars and robots and such.

Well, I got a boy, but he's not a "boy's boy". He's definitely got boy energy and rambunctiousness, but he loves fashion, art, and a lot of girly things. He's awesome anyway.

Life has a way of doing the unexpected and the ironic. Appreciate what you have.

I love everything about this post. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I felt that way when my son was younger but now he is 17 and I no longer feel like that. My friends with girls were raked over the coals when their daughters were teenagers. Made me happy to have a boy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post! I also have 2 elementary-age sons and feel some sadness about never experiencing the mother-daughter relationship. Some of these posters are nasty people- it is completely normal to wonder and feel some longing. And it has nothing to do with not loving our kids.