Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

Her half sisters.

🙄 those girls are sisters, they don’t know life without each other, and good for OPs 12 year old for saying she doesn’t want to vacation without her sisters. 12 year olds see things, OP doesn’t have to be sandbagging her parents to her daughter, her daughter can see things with her own eyes.

They are half sisters whether you like it or not.and yes they do know lige without each other. The step sisters are gone half the time to their mom's and leave to go to grandmas.

Let me guess you are one of those people that insists on using the phrase “Larlas’ adopted kid” instead of just “Larla’s kid”. OPs 12 year old was born when the other kids were roughly 2 and 4, so yes they know each other as siblings and have no recollection of life without each other as siblings. The idea that because OPs stepkids spend half the week with their mom, they view the other kids as something less than siblings is ridiculous and obviously not true in this circumstance. You sound like an objectively miserable person and I hope to God no one ever has to deal with you as part of their blended family. Blended families aren’t easy and it’s people like you that make it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.

I was a little puzzled by the grandparents but this is a good explanation for the timeline and the grandparents' behavior. OP is trying to make a "perfect family" to assuage some of the guilt of being the AP, while the grandparents are trying to be sure their bio grandkids feel "special" and get treated well given that they lost their intact family early.

Lol you people really don’t have enough going on that you have to spin fantastical stories about this family to fit your preferred position that the grandparents are in the right? OP has a good relationship with her stepkids’ mom (unlikely if she was an AP), which I know is not as fun as imagining OP was an AP and her parents are just trying to right that wrong, but come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.

I was a little puzzled by the grandparents but this is a good explanation for the timeline and the grandparents' behavior. OP is trying to make a "perfect family" to assuage some of the guilt of being the AP, while the grandparents are trying to be sure their bio grandkids feel "special" and get treated well given that they lost their intact family early.

Lol you people really don’t have enough going on that you have to spin fantastical stories about this family to fit your preferred position that the grandparents are in the right? OP has a good relationship with her stepkids’ mom (unlikely if she was an AP), which I know is not as fun as imagining OP was an AP and her parents are just trying to right that wrong, but come on.

What other scenario gets you a kid 2 years younger than their half-sibling. I mean, it's possible that OP's older child is the result of a ONS with a newly-divorced guy but Occam's Razor and all....

[Anonymous]

You kept your parents away from your step daughters early on. It sounds as if the SDs are not even with you full time, and actually have a separate life from your household. Why should your parents be expected to fund, treat these girls as your other children. They are NOT your children. They have a mother who sounds as if she is not absentee. If the girls having nice things is your priority, then its incumbent on YOU to fund it, not your parents. I am a step child, and would never have expected what you expect your parents to provide for children you’ve deliberately kept distant.

Also, I can’t help but question this whole timeline given the ages of the stepdaughters and daughters. As a logical person, if my adult daughter dated a guy who was divorcing while wife #1 was either pregnant or just recently had a baby —I would have serious, serious reservations.

BTW, DH probably just wants everyone to get along because your parents are funding so much. It must be nice to have half the school costs taken off the table. He knows he has a great set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.

I was a little puzzled by the grandparents but this is a good explanation for the timeline and the grandparents' behavior. OP is trying to make a "perfect family" to assuage some of the guilt of being the AP, while the grandparents are trying to be sure their bio grandkids feel "special" and get treated well given that they lost their intact family early.

Lol you people really don’t have enough going on that you have to spin fantastical stories about this family to fit your preferred position that the grandparents are in the right? OP has a good relationship with her stepkids’ mom (unlikely if she was an AP), which I know is not as fun as imagining OP was an AP and her parents are just trying to right that wrong, but come on.

What other scenario gets you a kid 2 years younger than their half-sibling. I mean, it's possible that OP's older child is the result of a ONS with a newly-divorced guy but Occam's Razor and all....

Seriously, there are options here including the mind blowing concept that the guy and his 1st wife split while she was pregnant with the 2nd child, or they stuck it out through the pregnancy thinking baby would help but after baby was here realized that it wasn’t going to work and separated. And how does any of that matter 12 years later when OP has a good relationship with her stepkids and stepkids’ mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.

I was a little puzzled by the grandparents but this is a good explanation for the timeline and the grandparents' behavior. OP is trying to make a "perfect family" to assuage some of the guilt of being the AP, while the grandparents are trying to be sure their bio grandkids feel "special" and get treated well given that they lost their intact family early.

Lol you people really don’t have enough going on that you have to spin fantastical stories about this family to fit your preferred position that the grandparents are in the right? OP has a good relationship with her stepkids’ mom (unlikely if she was an AP), which I know is not as fun as imagining OP was an AP and her parents are just trying to right that wrong, but come on.

What other scenario gets you a kid 2 years younger than their half-sibling. I mean, it's possible that OP's older child is the result of a ONS with a newly-divorced guy but Occam's Razor and all....

Seriously, there are options here including the mind blowing concept that the guy and his 1st wife split while she was pregnant with the 2nd child, or they stuck it out through the pregnancy thinking baby would help but after baby was here realized that it wasn’t going to work and separated. And how does any of that matter 12 years later when OP has a good relationship with her stepkids and stepkids’ mom?

That could be the case, but if I’m OP’s parents, I could totally see questioning just how ready this guy is for marrying again. How much time has he spent figuring out what he contributed to the break up of a marriage, what does commitment actually mean to him? I can see why OP’s parents could be leery and reluctant to consider these daughters (whom they don’t often see) as anymore than people who will temporarily be in their lives.

From my own experience, I was from my parent’s first marriage. They divorced when I was 3, and my dad immediately remarried. That lasted ten years, and my stepmom’s family gave us gifts, were very kind to us. Then once the second divorce happened, we never heard from them again. This scenario is not that uncommon. I totally get why the grandparents did not fully embrace this. There are a lot transient relationships, even in “families.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.

I was a little puzzled by the grandparents but this is a good explanation for the timeline and the grandparents' behavior. OP is trying to make a "perfect family" to assuage some of the guilt of being the AP, while the grandparents are trying to be sure their bio grandkids feel "special" and get treated well given that they lost their intact family early.

Lol you people really don’t have enough going on that you have to spin fantastical stories about this family to fit your preferred position that the grandparents are in the right? OP has a good relationship with her stepkids’ mom (unlikely if she was an AP), which I know is not as fun as imagining OP was an AP and her parents are just trying to right that wrong, but come on.

What other scenario gets you a kid 2 years younger than their half-sibling. I mean, it's possible that OP's older child is the result of a ONS with a newly-divorced guy but Occam's Razor and all....

Read the thread. There was no affair. OP has already answered this scenario you concocted.

[Anonymous]

OP is trying to be fair. My stepmom was also very generous, kind, warm and I was always happy to leave my mother house every weekend. My mom was not mentally there. This was in the early 1980s and mental health was not something we talked about. My step mom was a good cook and we always had fun cooking together. I dreaded Sunday evening, because my dad had to drive me back home and I really wanted to stay but I had to go. I was treated well by my stepmom family and when my brother was born, I was happy because I had a playmate finally. My brother and I are five years apart but still very close today. My dad and stepmom are still married and happy. My mom finally got some help and she’s also doing well. My kids love my stepmom as much as I love her if not more. No difference how she treats my brother kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You kept your parents away from your step daughters early on. It sounds as if the SDs are not even with you full time, and actually have a separate life from your household. Why should your parents be expected to fund, treat these girls as your other children. They are NOT your children. They have a mother who sounds as if she is not absentee. If the girls having nice things is your priority, then its incumbent on YOU to fund it, not your parents. I am a step child, and would never have expected what you expect your parents to provide for children you’ve deliberately kept distant.

Also, I can’t help but question this whole timeline given the ages of the stepdaughters and daughters. As a logical person, if my adult daughter dated a guy who was divorcing while wife #1 was either pregnant or just recently had a baby —I would have serious, serious reservations.

BTW, DH probably just wants everyone to get along because your parents are funding so much. It must be nice to have half the school costs taken off the table. He knows he has a great set up.

+1

This.

[Anonymous]

Have the grandparents take the younger 2 to Paris once the older girls are in college. They will be off living their own lives and less involved in what's going on at home. The girls will probably appreciate more in a few years anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are grooming my kids to live a lavish life and by them excluding my step kids, it's can be a big issues when all the sisters are adults. My parents estate will guarantee my kids don't need to work ever. Dh and I are saving for college, cars, down payment for homes and etc for my step kids. We make decent amount but not the same as my parents. Step kids mom is a teacher and her parents are Middle class. Dh parents are also a modest income and retired. Money is tight everywhere except our home and my parents. My kids are generous and I am positive, they will share with their siblings when the time comes but I am can do my best to save more for my step kids.

If you are so worried about your step children, instead of focusing on what your parents give them, exclude your daughters from your estate planning. As you’ve said, your parents will take care of them. If you are truly this distraught about your parents, you should be perfectly comfortable not leaving your two younger daughters any money. After all, as you’ve indicated, biological connections aren’t important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

Her half sisters.

🙄 those girls are sisters, they don’t know life without each other, and good for OPs 12 year old for saying she doesn’t want to vacation without her sisters. 12 year olds see things, OP doesn’t have to be sandbagging her parents to her daughter, her daughter can see things with her own eyes.

They are half sisters whether you like it or not.and yes they do know lige without each other. The step sisters are gone half the time to their mom's and leave to go to grandmas.

Let me guess you are one of those people that insists on using the phrase “Larlas’ adopted kid” instead of just “Larla’s kid”. OPs 12 year old was born when the other kids were roughly 2 and 4, so yes they know each other as siblings and have no recollection of life without each other as siblings. The idea that because OPs stepkids spend half the week with their mom, they view the other kids as something less than siblings is ridiculous and obviously not true in this circumstance. You sound like an objectively miserable person and I hope to God no one ever has to deal with you as part of their blended family. Blended families aren’t easy and it’s people like you that make it that way.

I am a step parent and parent through a adoption. Each child has their own family/history and relatives. None of these kids are equal as the step kids have a mom and they have things and relatives through mom. The mom's grandparents probably don't take all four kids.

OP wants her parents to fund her lifestyle.

She should offer to go one the trip and pay for herself and her step kids.

4 kids vs. two means a bigger rental care, two rooms, and a lot more expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is trying to be fair. My stepmom was also very generous, kind, warm and I was always happy to leave my mother house every weekend. My mom was not mentally there. This was in the early 1980s and mental health was not something we talked about. My step mom was a good cook and we always had fun cooking together. I dreaded Sunday evening, because my dad had to drive me back home and I really wanted to stay but I had to go. I was treated well by my stepmom family and when my brother was born, I was happy because I had a playmate finally. My brother and I are five years apart but still very close today. My dad and stepmom are still married and happy. My mom finally got some help and she’s also doing well. My kids love my stepmom as much as I love her if not more. No difference how she treats my brother kids.

The discussion is not how stepmom treats the kids, and these kids have a loving involved mom so the situation is different. OP is demanding her parents do equal for all kids when only two are grandkids. It sounds like the grandparents do kind things for the older ones but respect these kids have a mom and grandparents. She has no boundaries.

OP is doing a money grab. She needs to get another job to fund her lavish lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.

I was a little puzzled by the grandparents but this is a good explanation for the timeline and the grandparents' behavior. OP is trying to make a "perfect family" to assuage some of the guilt of being the AP, while the grandparents are trying to be sure their bio grandkids feel "special" and get treated well given that they lost their intact family early.

Lol you people really don’t have enough going on that you have to spin fantastical stories about this family to fit your preferred position that the grandparents are in the right? OP has a good relationship with her stepkids’ mom (unlikely if she was an AP), which I know is not as fun as imagining OP was an AP and her parents are just trying to right that wrong, but come on.

What other scenario gets you a kid 2 years younger than their half-sibling. I mean, it's possible that OP's older child is the result of a ONS with a newly-divorced guy but Occam's Razor and all....

Read the thread. There was no affair. OP has already answered this scenario you concocted.

DP. I 100% do not believe OP’s little fairytale about being old friends who were set up on a blind date “after” his divorce. Suuuuuuuuuure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.

I was a little puzzled by the grandparents but this is a good explanation for the timeline and the grandparents' behavior. OP is trying to make a "perfect family" to assuage some of the guilt of being the AP, while the grandparents are trying to be sure their bio grandkids feel "special" and get treated well given that they lost their intact family early.

Lol you people really don’t have enough going on that you have to spin fantastical stories about this family to fit your preferred position that the grandparents are in the right? OP has a good relationship with her stepkids’ mom (unlikely if she was an AP), which I know is not as fun as imagining OP was an AP and her parents are just trying to right that wrong, but come on.

What other scenario gets you a kid 2 years younger than their half-sibling. I mean, it's possible that OP's older child is the result of a ONS with a newly-divorced guy but Occam's Razor and all....

They either met and got married within a few months of his divorce or they were the reason for the divorce. That's pretty terrible to take these kids father away from their family. She clearly was not worried about them then.