Anyone else not care that much about cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much contempt on DCUM toward women who decide that adultery is not a good enough reason to divorce. It's kind of scary. I'm not sure what drives it. I mean it's OK to decide you can't live with this, and it's OK to decide that you can. It's a personal decision. But I don't understand the venom directed at women who decided that they can.

+1. I would hope that DH and I would try to work things out, make amends, and forgive if one of us cheated. I think our marriage and the life we have built is worth more than one mistake. So much about this is dependent on the situation surrounding the cheating that I don’t think it’s possible to say leaving or staying is always right in every scenario.

Is one mistake a one night stand? Or do you consider a 3-year affair a one-time mistake; if it was one person/affair?

I think the latter was many different mistakes with an opportunity to stop prior to every single hook up, so I think that’s many mistakes.

But a true one time thing/night in a 30-year marriage would be crazy if everything else is good. I am not so sure about an affair. That’s a lot more lying, a lot more sex a much larger betrayal.

I’m the pp, married 15 years with 3 kids and I truly love DH. If it was a one night stand situation I would not leave him. A long affair, I don’t know? It would be so painful. I think it just depends heavily on the people and the situation when it comes to cheating and deciding to stay or leave. I don’t think leaving is the best choice in all scenarios.

If it was a one night stand with someone he would see regularly?

How about I'd he got the one night stand pregnant and she kept the baby?

What about I'd his one night stand gave you an STD?

Or what if he cheated on you with a clown? The kind that performs at children’s birthday parties?

How about if he cheated on you with Rihanna and you are both big fans?

What about his one night stand was your actual mother?

These are all real ONS cheating scenarios I know about, glad you think a women getting an STD is funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much contempt on DCUM toward women who decide that adultery is not a good enough reason to divorce. It's kind of scary. I'm not sure what drives it. I mean it's OK to decide you can't live with this, and it's OK to decide that you can. It's a personal decision. But I don't understand the venom directed at women who decided that they can.

+1. I would hope that DH and I would try to work things out, make amends, and forgive if one of us cheated. I think our marriage and the life we have built is worth more than one mistake. So much about this is dependent on the situation surrounding the cheating that I don’t think it’s possible to say leaving or staying is always right in every scenario.

Is one mistake a one night stand? Or do you consider a 3-year affair a one-time mistake; if it was one person/affair?

I think the latter was many different mistakes with an opportunity to stop prior to every single hook up, so I think that’s many mistakes.

But a true one time thing/night in a 30-year marriage would be crazy if everything else is good. I am not so sure about an affair. That’s a lot more lying, a lot more sex a much larger betrayal.

I’m the pp, married 15 years with 3 kids and I truly love DH. If it was a one night stand situation I would not leave him. A long affair, I don’t know? It would be so painful. I think it just depends heavily on the people and the situation when it comes to cheating and deciding to stay or leave. I don’t think leaving is the best choice in all scenarios.

If it was a one night stand with someone he would see regularly?

How about I'd he got the one night stand pregnant and she kept the baby?

What about I'd his one night stand gave you an STD?

Or what if he cheated on you with a clown? The kind that performs at children’s birthday parties?

How about if he cheated on you with Rihanna and you are both big fans?

What about his one night stand was your actual mother?

These are all real ONS cheating scenarios I know about, glad you think a women getting an STD is funny.

Not to minimize the seriousness of stds but I think the first hypothetical situations are all actual plot lines on the tv show Greys Anatomy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

The topic is “does anyone care about cheating”.

I had a very active sex life and good marriage so it was traumatic, but I imagine anytime someone lies to your face and betrays you even without the inherent health risks I had to worry about it is pretty awful.

The mental images and re-examining and questioning what was real and the time they said they were at X or had a work trip- was that one true or was that a cover. What was said, what was done, how could they, etc? It’s awful years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

The topic is “does anyone care about cheating”.

I had a very active sex life and good marriage so it was traumatic, but I imagine anytime someone lies to your face and betrays you even without the inherent health risks I had to worry about it is pretty awful.

The mental images and re-examining and questioning what was real and the time they said they were at X or had a work trip- was that one true or was that a cover. What was said, what was done, how could they, etc? It’s awful years later.

Agree. And it doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your partner (the person you lie to, expose to disease, gaslight) thinks. If you are married and know that they never agreed to infidelity/being cheated on/dealbreaker and you married under these circumstances--it really doesn't matter if you think it's okay and the married floozy you are doing it with who hates her husband also thinks 'no big deal. it's just sex'. That misses the point completely. You have broken your partner's trust and sense of well-being forever.

[Anonymous]

I don't really care. My marriage is pretty much platonic at this point. The only reason I want to know is so we can rip the bandaid off and I could freely pursue others.

My assumption is the newlyweds and people still having passionate sex all the time probably care but most long-married couples don't get so worked up about it. Have heard my friends also shrug at the thought of a spouse cheating.

[Anonymous]

^ We must not run with the same crowd - in our group, all married 25-35 years, every single one of us would have a big problem with cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

The topic is “does anyone care about cheating”.

I had a very active sex life and good marriage so it was traumatic, but I imagine anytime someone lies to your face and betrays you even without the inherent health risks I had to worry about it is pretty awful.

The mental images and re-examining and questioning what was real and the time they said they were at X or had a work trip- was that one true or was that a cover. What was said, what was done, how could they, etc? It’s awful years later.

Agree. And it doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your partner (the person you lie to, expose to disease, gaslight) thinks. If you are married and know that they never agreed to infidelity/being cheated on/dealbreaker and you married under these circumstances--it really doesn't matter if you think it's okay and the married floozy you are doing it with who hates her husband also thinks 'no big deal. it's just sex'. That misses the point completely. You have broken your partner's trust and sense of well-being forever.

Yep. And the fallout when the betrayed spouse finds out us years of therapy and antidepressants to get over the huge pain of being betrayed by the person that was supposed to have their back in this life, were thick as thieves, gave everything—-pain and trauma like that forever changes someone. So these people that play with others lives and have some deep attachment trauma from their your where marriage and vows and trust and integrity mean nothing- wonderful. But, unless you and your spouse agreed it’s okay to sleep with others, you area complete scumbag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ We must not run with the same crowd - in our group, all married 25-35 years, every single one of us would have a big problem with cheating.

I wonder if this is a battle of the sexes thing. Or maybe because men can compartmentalize? I joke with my guy friends that I wouldn't care if they had sex with my wife, they say the same, except not really joking. It's like how it's usually men who want to swing, open relationships and how gay married men are far more open

If you talk to your friends husband's they would tell you something different. It's just sex after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

The topic is “does anyone care about cheating”.

I had a very active sex life and good marriage so it was traumatic, but I imagine anytime someone lies to your face and betrays you even without the inherent health risks I had to worry about it is pretty awful.

The mental images and re-examining and questioning what was real and the time they said they were at X or had a work trip- was that one true or was that a cover. What was said, what was done, how could they, etc? It’s awful years later.

Agree. And it doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your partner (the person you lie to, expose to disease, gaslight) thinks. If you are married and know that they never agreed to infidelity/being cheated on/dealbreaker and you married under these circumstances--it really doesn't matter if you think it's okay and the married floozy you are doing it with who hates her husband also thinks 'no big deal. it's just sex'. That misses the point completely. You have broken your partner's trust and sense of well-being forever.

Yep. And the fallout when the betrayed spouse finds out us years of therapy and antidepressants to get over the huge pain of being betrayed by the person that was supposed to have their back in this life, were thick as thieves, gave everything—-pain and trauma like that forever changes someone. So these people that play with others lives and have some deep attachment trauma from their your where marriage and vows and trust and integrity mean nothing- wonderful. But, unless you and your spouse agreed it’s okay to sleep with others, you area complete scumbag.

Why is this such a deep betrayal? Don't you have a desire to sleep with someone else? While no one wants their spouse to cheat, it's a very understandable mistake people make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

The topic is “does anyone care about cheating”.

I had a very active sex life and good marriage so it was traumatic, but I imagine anytime someone lies to your face and betrays you even without the inherent health risks I had to worry about it is pretty awful.

The mental images and re-examining and questioning what was real and the time they said they were at X or had a work trip- was that one true or was that a cover. What was said, what was done, how could they, etc? It’s awful years later.

Agree. And it doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your partner (the person you lie to, expose to disease, gaslight) thinks. If you are married and know that they never agreed to infidelity/being cheated on/dealbreaker and you married under these circumstances--it really doesn't matter if you think it's okay and the married floozy you are doing it with who hates her husband also thinks 'no big deal. it's just sex'. That misses the point completely. You have broken your partner's trust and sense of well-being forever.

Yep. And the fallout when the betrayed spouse finds out us years of therapy and antidepressants to get over the huge pain of being betrayed by the person that was supposed to have their back in this life, were thick as thieves, gave everything—-pain and trauma like that forever changes someone. So these people that play with others lives and have some deep attachment trauma from their your where marriage and vows and trust and integrity mean nothing- wonderful. But, unless you and your spouse agreed it’s okay to sleep with others, you area complete scumbag.

Why is this such a deep betrayal? Don't you have a desire to sleep with someone else? While no one wants their spouse to cheat, it's a very understandable mistake people make.

An affair is crushing. If you are married with kids and are blindsided by this, it will almost kill you. The pain is unrelenting and the trauma of being lied to and deceived obliterates the ability to trust ever again.

And, no, after 20 years I still haven’t wanted to sleep with anyone else. But, I was passionately in love. I didn’t settle.

[Anonymous]

Why lie and cheat? That’s wrong. Have a conversation if monogamy isn’t working. You don’t be a loser dirtball with zero integrity or character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage and I would much MUCH rather be cheated on. This is far worse abandonment than if my spouse had sex with someone else.

But there is no cheating in a sexless marriage. Sexless equals open.

The topic is “does anyone care about cheating”.

I had a very active sex life and good marriage so it was traumatic, but I imagine anytime someone lies to your face and betrays you even without the inherent health risks I had to worry about it is pretty awful.

The mental images and re-examining and questioning what was real and the time they said they were at X or had a work trip- was that one true or was that a cover. What was said, what was done, how could they, etc? It’s awful years later.

Agree. And it doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your partner (the person you lie to, expose to disease, gaslight) thinks. If you are married and know that they never agreed to infidelity/being cheated on/dealbreaker and you married under these circumstances--it really doesn't matter if you think it's okay and the married floozy you are doing it with who hates her husband also thinks 'no big deal. it's just sex'. That misses the point completely. You have broken your partner's trust and sense of well-being forever.

Yep. And the fallout when the betrayed spouse finds out us years of therapy and antidepressants to get over the huge pain of being betrayed by the person that was supposed to have their back in this life, were thick as thieves, gave everything—-pain and trauma like that forever changes someone. So these people that play with others lives and have some deep attachment trauma from their your where marriage and vows and trust and integrity mean nothing- wonderful. But, unless you and your spouse agreed it’s okay to sleep with others, you area complete scumbag.

Why is this such a deep betrayal? Don't you have a desire to sleep with someone else? While no one wants their spouse to cheat, it's a very understandable mistake people make.

An affair is crushing. If you are married with kids and are blindsided by this, it will almost kill you. The pain is unrelenting and the trauma of being lied to and deceived obliterates the ability to trust ever again.

And, no, after 20 years I still haven’t wanted to sleep with anyone else. But, I was passionately in love. I didn’t settle.

Oh wow, that must have sucked. I always assumed most people cheating are doing so because the passion died at home.

I guess I never trust anyone completely not to cheat. Infidelity is so rampant, I have no reason to believe I have been cheated on but you never know.

Hope you heal.

[Anonymous]

I think part of the humiliation people feel if their spouse cheats is, not just that they got cheated on, but who their spouse cheated with. If it was a prostitute or some person who is rough around the edges, then it’s like - really? That’s what you think of me and the marriage? There may be people who don’t feel that kind of humiliation, but I’d say they are the ones who are compartmentalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the humiliation people feel if their spouse cheats is, not just that they got cheated on, but who their spouse cheated with. If it was a prostitute or some person who is rough around the edges, then it’s like - really? That’s what you think of me and the marriage? There may be people who don’t feel that kind of humiliation, but I’d say they are the ones who are compartmentalizing.

Not humiliation at all. Just disgust. And cheaters cheat because they are messed up, have issues. It makes sense they cheat with similar types. Affair down is real.