Women: do you feel like you became invisible, or treated worth, starting in your 40s?

[Anonymous]

I feel it. I had heard about it and I didn't doubt my friends who said it happened, but I am really feeling it and it's worse than I thought it would be. I thought maybe it would be nice to get rid of certain male attention, and that I might enjoy being kind of incognito in the world.

But the reality feels awful. People look right through me or seem annoyed when they have to deal with me, even when I'm being pleasant and polite.

Also, very depressing: the effect is 100% worse when my grays are coming in around my temple, or I don't wear makeup, or I'm dressed in more "middle aged lady" clothes (like an LL Bean fleece and jeans or something, as opposed to professional clothes or a dress). I'm healthy and fit with attractive, symmetrical features, so it's not like I look like a troll on a no makeup days with a few grays coming through. But I get treated MUCH worse when I look like this than if I color my hair and put effort into looking more feminine and younger. Even by people (like other women) for whom it really should not matter.

Wondering if others feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typo in title, should say "or treated WORSE" not worth.

[Anonymous]

I’m 47 with a kid in hs and another in middle school. Ive mostly lost my vanity, but it does irk me that my hair is mostly gray (I dye it at home) and my skin has lots of age spots (Nelson’s— I’m olive skinned). I’ve all gained weight and want to lose at least 10 lbs. But I like myself and I’m pretty happy with me. The past decade and year have been v hard. Lost both parents and a sibling has mentally deteriorated. The pandemic was isolating. My job is ok but blah and I don’t have the ambition I used to. But when the sun shines like on this springlike day, I feel ok. I need to exercise more as it boosts my mood.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, I have no idea what Nelson’s was supposed to say in what i wrote above.

[Anonymous]

Definitely a lot more invisible. I had cancer, too, and I think the treatment really aged me.

In some ways, being invisible is nice. I joke to DH that I would make the best spy ever.

But it is kind of disturbing that I can move through the world without very little notice.

[Anonymous]

I gained a lot of weight which I haven’t lost (about forty pounds overweight) and I’m treated this way. It’s disheartening. I wonder if men have the same experience?

I’m also 38 but look slightly younger, but curious if by the time I lose it I’ll just be “old” and therefore not worth being nice to.



V depressing

[Anonymous]

I'm 48 and not yet. I wonder if it will happen post menopause.

[Anonymous]

What does treated "worse" mean specifically? I am 54 and I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Invisible to whom? Career wise I feel like I’ve hit my peak at 60. Age/experience is a huge advantage in my field. Outside of work I mostly socialize with people in my general age cohort.

I wear makeup every day, dress decently, and am not overweight (anymore) but not sure that makes a difference. Sure, a 30 year old guy isn’t going to pay attention to me, but it would be weird if he did.

[Anonymous]

Now you know how the "nice guys" felt in their 20s. Always overlooked for the "bad boy" guy who can't even hold down a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now you know how the "nice guys" felt in their 20s. Always overlooked for the "bad boy" guy who can't even hold down a job.

All the actual nice guys I knew in my 20s did great and were definitely not overlooked for ignored.

The guys who get avoided by women but call themselves "nice guys" often have a ton of pent up aggression that they refuse to acknowledge, and women correctly view that as a ticking time bomb and keep their distance. These are the guys who are pleasant to your face but are posting on incel sites at 2am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now you know how the "nice guys" felt in their 20s. Always overlooked for the "bad boy" guy who can't even hold down a job.

All the actual nice guys I knew in my 20s did great and were definitely not overlooked for ignored.

The guys who get avoided by women but call themselves "nice guys" often have a ton of pent up aggression that they refuse to acknowledge, and women correctly view that as a ticking time bomb and keep their distance. These are the guys who are pleasant to your face but are posting on incel sites at 2am.

+2

[Anonymous]

Quite the opposite. I feel like age has given me more experience, and men of all ages seem to find me more attractive than ever. I'm still the same weight I was in college but now I have even more time to work out and am far more toned and flexible. Age has brought more wealth, which is clear reflected in my diet, lifestyle, clothing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quite the opposite. I feel like age has given me more experience, and men of all ages seem to find me more attractive than ever. I'm still the same weight I was in college but now I have even more time to work out and am far more toned and flexible. Age has brought more wealth, which is clear reflected in my diet, lifestyle, clothing, etc.

I’m the PP who gained weight. Heartening to know this experience is reversible.

[Anonymous]

If you feel that way, it’s just your pretty privilege expiring.