Women: do you feel like you became invisible, or treated worth, starting in your 40s?

[Anonymous]

Last year I was standing in Trader Joe’s ready to check out. I had a basket, not a cart. It was one that didn’t have a single line to check out. Two different cashiers signaled to other customers to step forward to check out, while I stood there in the middle of the store with my basket, waiting. I never felt so invisible. It is an awful feeling.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes. I didn’t connect it to my age though.

[Anonymous]

I do notice but I don’t care except when I need something from people like government employees or airline workers (not the flight attendants but the ones who handle important stuff). Places like DMV, family court, etc etc

I try to choose an agent who serves me but it’s not always possible.

How do I make sure I am treated nice by people in authority?
I’ll make sure I have nice hair and makeup at least but I can’t hide my age and I do have extra lbs

[Anonymous]

I actually feel in my 40s I seem more visible. I look a lot younger than my age and so people are guessing I am closer to 30 than 20 and are treating me more respectfully.

It used to be that I got carded everywhere I went. Or I was mistaken for being a student. Now others think I am 30 which I am fine with for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People look right through me or seem annoyed when they have to deal with me, even when I'm being pleasant and polite.

I'm a frumpy overweight 40's mom, and I don't relate to this at all. I find the vast majority of people are kind and respond nicely if I speak to them nicely. People of all ages, women and men, have gone out of their way to help me out in various situations, and I also help people out when I am in a position to. On the rare occasion that someone is sullen to me or looks through me, it is jarring because it is so unusual.

My first thought when reading this is that you are probably just prettier than you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58. i am only invisible when I am by myself or with a group of women my age. When I'm with my young adult kids or spouse, no one ignores me. But when with my friends - absolutely unseen.

The worst is restaurants. We are big tippers (really!) but women have a reputation of not being big tippers. We get lousy service almost all the time. And we get worse table than when with our spouses, too.

Oh, and I still dye my hair, and I'm thin and fit. And I dress well and in very expensive clothes (think Lori Piana, not Gucci). Doesn't matter at all.

Oh, well, then by all means you should be getting more attention.

Lol.

[Anonymous]

I am 57 and am white and about average looking but very friendly. White people have always looked past me, but black and Hispanic people have always been chatty and friendly with me. That hasn't changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does treated "worse" mean specifically? I am 54 and I have no idea what you're talking about.

She’s describing the process of becoming a “Karen”, a once young and attractive woman who is losing her beauty privileges. Karen’s are the ones who try to get the same accommodations with anger after losing all social benefits that naturally accrue to the beautiful and young.

Like being greeted vs seeking out help. Being told no for stuff you know can be done because they’ve done it before for you a few years ago or for your pretty coworker. Being considered for promotions which after 40 ish if you haven’t moved up you better settle into being a “lifer”. Stuff like that.

Op swoop some bangs over those greys in the front

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

People look right through me or seem annoyed when they have to deal with me, even when I'm being pleasant and polite.

I'm a frumpy overweight 40's mom, and I don't relate to this at all. I find the vast majority of people are kind and respond nicely if I speak to them nicely. People of all ages, women and men, have gone out of their way to help me out in various situations, and I also help people out when I am in a position to. On the rare occasion that someone is sullen to me or looks through me, it is jarring because it is so unusual.

My first thought when reading this is that you are probably just prettier than you think you are.

I was thinking because she said respond to her that she is used to seeking people out and has a nice approach to doing so, unlike young pretty women who are sought after and accommodated.

[Anonymous]

Im 46 and average looking, about 10-15 lbs overweight. I don’t feel invisible at all. I’m not exactly looking for male attention if that’s what you mean, nor do I find myself in situations where that would be a thing.

[Anonymous]

I’m another who doesn’t really see this as far as service workers. I’m almost always surprised by how helpful and kind people are. There’s the occasional municipal worker who is rude or unhelpful, but they’re rude and unhelpful to everyone.

Like at Target, when I do have to seek out an employee, they’re unfailingly kind and helpful.

The one bit exception is CVS, but I’m pretty sure being in/working at CVS is actual torture and I give them a full pass. I would be cranky too.

I can count on one hand the times I’ve had “bad” service at a restaurant and one of those times it was because the server quit mid meal and apparently some of the chefs lol.

[Anonymous]

I’m 46 and look it, and I haven’t noticed this very much. I’m nice to everyone, though, and don’t expect more than that in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 46 and look it, and I haven’t noticed this very much. I’m nice to everyone, though, and don’t expect more than that in return.

+1. I have long hair that isn’t gray, so maybe that helps me look young.

[Anonymous]

It is definitely a thing.

On the upside, generally speaking, once you get into your 60s the "grandma" effect kicks in. It's kind of welcome after being ignored/invisible for a decade or so.

You start noticing people holding doors for you, offering you a seat, helping with bags, etc.

[Anonymous]

Just turned 40 but haven’t felt this yet. Probably because when I am out I am with 3 young kids. People tend to notice a mom with young kids and usually are helpful and nice. Plus my kids are all super cute and have definitely won the genetic lottery (mixed race kids) and people comment on them all the time.

I don’t really dress up but I have long dark hair still and am pretty fit.