Women: do you feel like you became invisible, or treated worth, starting in your 40s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sending hugs to all of you who are feeling this way. I will say (I'm 44) if you want to be treated differently, you need to probably start to act differently. To the OP, I'm betting you convey a ton more confidence when you spend a little more time on your appearance, so just make a little effort! I know that when I go out in sweats with no makeup, I tend to keep my head down and probably don't invite any attention. But I mostly find this time of life really great - I'm doing well at work, we have money, my kids are getting older and more independent. I'm happier - and I probably am able to convey this in external situations.

Heck, my mom (72) gets tons of attention. She is always put together, and most importantly - always smiling and willing to chat up strangers. People love her.

How santimonious. I guess you didn't read all the posts in response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sending hugs to all of you who are feeling this way. I will say (I'm 44) if you want to be treated differently, you need to probably start to act differently. To the OP, I'm betting you convey a ton more confidence when you spend a little more time on your appearance, so just make a little effort! I know that when I go out in sweats with no makeup, I tend to keep my head down and probably don't invite any attention. But I mostly find this time of life really great - I'm doing well at work, we have money, my kids are getting older and more independent. I'm happier - and I probably am able to convey this in external situations.

Heck, my mom (72) gets tons of attention. She is always put together, and most importantly - always smiling and willing to chat up strangers. People love her.

How santimonious. I guess you didn't read all the posts in response.

sanctimonious. but i agree. Wait until she is as old as I am. I just returned from a post resort (which I booked, I'm the breadwinner) and I acutely felt the invisible woman over 55 effect. I was ignored by staff. So I won't go there again.

And no I should not have to dress up, fluff up or do anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58. i am only invisible when I am by myself or with a group of women my age. When I'm with my young adult kids or spouse, no one ignores me. But when with my friends - absolutely unseen.

The worst is restaurants. We are big tippers (really!) but women have a reputation of not being big tippers. We get lousy service almost all the time. And we get worse table than when with our spouses, too.

Oh, and I still dye my hair, and I'm thin and fit. And I dress well and in very expensive clothes (think Lori Piana, not Gucci). Doesn't matter at all.

So true!!!

I was a waitress when I was a teen and I was very cognizant guilty of this. Middle aged women were the worst tippers. Now that I'm an invisible wealthy middle aged woman, who tips well, I'm embarrassed by this. I do explain this to my daughters, but they don't really 'get it'.. No one ever explained it to me and I would have changed my behavior if I had known.

The tipping is probably an negative feedback loop. Middle aged women recieve worse service and therefore tip worse, so they recieve worse service.

I think it's a stereotype that emerged from a time when middle aged women just legitimately didn't have very much money, or didn't have much control over their money.

I think about my mom, who was a SAHM in the 70s and 80s. She had money but it wasn't "hers" and she was particularly reluctant to spend money on herself. Plus there's this whole dynamic with middle aged women and food and self-denial. So this translated to her being the kind of restaurant patron who would order an appetizer or a side salad with a Diet Coke as a meal, and tip 10%. It was not done out of a desire to stiff the server, but out of a belief that she didn't deserve more than that, that having more would be shameful, and also that any money she spends should really be going to her husband or kids.

Women like that don't really exist anymore. There are still SAHMs, but there is a greater sense that what SAHMs do is economically valuable and therefore I think they feel more comfortable spending money on themselves than they did a couple generations ago. And most women work in some capacity at this point -- even most SAHMs do it only temporarily, and work before and after. It's not like the 50s when the class of women most likely to go to restaurants (UMC white women) tended to be people who had never held regular jobs, relied on fathers or husbands for "spending money" and were not even legally allowed to have their own savings or checking accounts.

So the stereotype that middle aged women are bad tippers comes straight out of misogyny, just like a lot of negative stereotypes about marginalized people.

This is an overly generous assessment of the "bad tipper" stereotype. I'll play - my mom was actually a waitress in the 70s and 80s in our family's restaurant. She waited on women like your mom (and my MIL). These women did indeed often order the diet plate with Tab (and a lemon wedge!) and tip horribly. But... there was also another element at play. One that you seem oblivious to. These women had a sense of superiority (and sometimes pity) over women who "had" to work. They treated "the help" poorly, were super demanding customers, and then would tip poorly on top. They actually WERE terrible customers because they had no clue what it was like to work a service job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sending hugs to all of you who are feeling this way. I will say (I'm 44) if you want to be treated differently, you need to probably start to act differently. To the OP, I'm betting you convey a ton more confidence when you spend a little more time on your appearance, so just make a little effort! I know that when I go out in sweats with no makeup, I tend to keep my head down and probably don't invite any attention. But I mostly find this time of life really great - I'm doing well at work, we have money, my kids are getting older and more independent. I'm happier - and I probably am able to convey this in external situations.

Heck, my mom (72) gets tons of attention. She is always put together, and most importantly - always smiling and willing to chat up strangers. People love her.

How santimonious. I guess you didn't read all the posts in response.

sanctimonious. but i agree. Wait until she is as old as I am. I just returned from a post resort (which I booked, I'm the breadwinner) and I acutely felt the invisible woman over 55 effect. I was ignored by staff. So I won't go there again.

And no I should not have to dress up, fluff up or do anything else.

Well, keep having this nasty attitude, which comes across in your post, and I'm sure in the way you present yourself. No wonder people avoid you.