Women: do you feel like you became invisible, or treated worth, starting in your 40s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is definitely a thing.

On the upside, generally speaking, once you get into your 60s the "grandma" effect kicks in. It's kind of welcome after being ignored/invisible for a decade or so.

You start noticing people holding doors for you, offering you a seat, helping with bags, etc.

Agree. I actually find people being nicer the older I get.

[Anonymous]

I consider my invisibility my superpower. I love it.

I wish I could send an "It gets better" PSA to my younger, hotter self.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 72 and she’s not invisible. She just exudes an energy that makes people happy, so she gets noticed and treated very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m another who doesn’t really see this as far as service workers. I’m almost always surprised by how helpful and kind people are. There’s the occasional municipal worker who is rude or unhelpful, but they’re rude and unhelpful to everyone.

Like at Target, when I do have to seek out an employee, they’re unfailingly kind and helpful.

The one bit exception is CVS, but I’m pretty sure being in/working at CVS is actual torture and I give them a full pass. I would be cranky too.

I can count on one hand the times I’ve had “bad” service at a restaurant and one of those times it was because the server quit mid meal and apparently some of the chefs lol.

That's my experience, too. I haven't noticed a difference - I'm 50. People are still really nice, helpful, gracious. I don't feel like people see me less than they used to.

But I always got overlooked by bartenders, for example, even in my 20s - I'm very short and some people find me really attractive and others don't notice me at all. In bars, I don't get noticed at all. Never have - don't expect that to change as I age.

[Anonymous]

I love it! I am treated politely and no one tries to flirt with me!

[Anonymous]

I’m 47 and don’t feel invisible at all. I think it’s all in how you feel about yourself. I feel good and worthy of attention, so I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does treated "worse" mean specifically? I am 54 and I have no idea what you're talking about.

She’s describing the process of becoming a “Karen”, a once young and attractive woman who is losing her beauty privileges. Karen’s are the ones who try to get the same accommodations with anger after losing all social benefits that naturally accrue to the beautiful and young.

Like being greeted vs seeking out help. Being told no for stuff you know can be done because they’ve done it before for you a few years ago or for your pretty coworker. Being considered for promotions which after 40 ish if you haven’t moved up you better settle into being a “lifer”. Stuff like that.

Op swoop some bangs over those greys in the front

You sound jealous.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel this way, or maybe I just don't experience it as a loss. I am not unattractive, but never banked on my looks (or maybe just wasn't pretty enough to be able to?) or cared much what men thought of me. At 58, I am slim and do color my hair but wear minimal makeup and dress pretty plainly. I have been successful at work, so I'm in a position where everybody in the office pays attention to me. My DH thinks I'm great, and my young adult kids visit frequently and still seek my advice occasionally. I've got good friends and enough money to live comfortably. If a clerk "overlooks" me in line, I speak up and make myself noticed, and I don't waste much time thinking about what it means.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. I’m 44 and my career is skyrocketing. I’m finally getting respect and recognition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58. i am only invisible when I am by myself or with a group of women my age. When I'm with my young adult kids or spouse, no one ignores me. But when with my friends - absolutely unseen.

The worst is restaurants. We are big tippers (really!) but women have a reputation of not being big tippers. We get lousy service almost all the time. And we get worse table than when with our spouses, too.

Oh, and I still dye my hair, and I'm thin and fit. And I dress well and in very expensive clothes (think Lori Piana, not Gucci). Doesn't matter at all.

So true!!!

I was a waitress when I was a teen and I was very cognizant guilty of this. Middle aged women were the worst tippers. Now that I'm an invisible wealthy middle aged woman, who tips well, I'm embarrassed by this. I do explain this to my daughters, but they don't really 'get it'.. No one ever explained it to me and I would have changed my behavior if I had known.

The tipping is probably an negative feedback loop. Middle aged women recieve worse service and therefore tip worse, so they recieve worse service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually feel in my 40s I seem more visible. I look a lot younger than my age and so people are guessing I am closer to 30 than 20 and are treating me more respectfully.

It used to be that I got carded everywhere I went. Or I was mistaken for being a student. Now others think I am 30 which I am fine with for now.

Sweetheart, you're delusional. No one thinks you're in your 20s, no matter how young you think you look.

I'm 45 and was carded for wine last week. I didn't take it as a compliment; I take it as that cashier cards everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58. i am only invisible when I am by myself or with a group of women my age. When I'm with my young adult kids or spouse, no one ignores me. But when with my friends - absolutely unseen.

The worst is restaurants. We are big tippers (really!) but women have a reputation of not being big tippers. We get lousy service almost all the time. And we get worse table than when with our spouses, too.

Oh, and I still dye my hair, and I'm thin and fit. And I dress well and in very expensive clothes (think Lori Piana, not Gucci). Doesn't matter at all.

I had to look up what that was!! I didn't know it was possible to spend so much on frumpy old lady clothing! I'm still at the St John's/Brooks Brothers level of old lady clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58. i am only invisible when I am by myself or with a group of women my age. When I'm with my young adult kids or spouse, no one ignores me. But when with my friends - absolutely unseen.

The worst is restaurants. We are big tippers (really!) but women have a reputation of not being big tippers. We get lousy service almost all the time. And we get worse table than when with our spouses, too.

Oh, and I still dye my hair, and I'm thin and fit. And I dress well and in very expensive clothes (think Lori Piana, not Gucci). Doesn't matter at all.

So true!!!

I was a waitress when I was a teen and I was very cognizant guilty of this. Middle aged women were the worst tippers. Now that I'm an invisible wealthy middle aged woman, who tips well, I'm embarrassed by this. I do explain this to my daughters, but they don't really 'get it'.. No one ever explained it to me and I would have changed my behavior if I had known.

The tipping is probably an negative feedback loop. Middle aged women recieve worse service and therefore tip worse, so they recieve worse service.

I think it's a stereotype that emerged from a time when middle aged women just legitimately didn't have very much money, or didn't have much control over their money.

I think about my mom, who was a SAHM in the 70s and 80s. She had money but it wasn't "hers" and she was particularly reluctant to spend money on herself. Plus there's this whole dynamic with middle aged women and food and self-denial. So this translated to her being the kind of restaurant patron who would order an appetizer or a side salad with a Diet Coke as a meal, and tip 10%. It was not done out of a desire to stiff the server, but out of a belief that she didn't deserve more than that, that having more would be shameful, and also that any money she spends should really be going to her husband or kids.

Women like that don't really exist anymore. There are still SAHMs, but there is a greater sense that what SAHMs do is economically valuable and therefore I think they feel more comfortable spending money on themselves than they did a couple generations ago. And most women work in some capacity at this point -- even most SAHMs do it only temporarily, and work before and after. It's not like the 50s when the class of women most likely to go to restaurants (UMC white women) tended to be people who had never held regular jobs, relied on fathers or husbands for "spending money" and were not even legally allowed to have their own savings or checking accounts.

So the stereotype that middle aged women are bad tippers comes straight out of misogyny, just like a lot of negative stereotypes about marginalized people.

[Anonymous]

I really hit my stride in my 40s and now 50s. This might be an unpopular answer, but I have made sure I stayed in shape, wear simple, elegant clothes, never ever anything flashy, shoulder length hair in a simple cut. Simple diamond studs, diamond engagement ring. No other jewelry. Botox, but no filler. Regular face peels to brighten skin as lines increase. No facelift. I don't try to look young, but I haven't given in to the frumpy mom look. My grandmother was trim and well-put together until the day she died. So that is what I see as the "grandma" look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't feel this way, or maybe I just don't experience it as a loss. I am not unattractive, but never banked on my looks (or maybe just wasn't pretty enough to be able to?) or cared much what men thought of me. At 58, I am slim and do color my hair but wear minimal makeup and dress pretty plainly. I have been successful at work, so I'm in a position where everybody in the office pays attention to me. My DH thinks I'm great, and my young adult kids visit frequently and still seek my advice occasionally. I've got good friends and enough money to live comfortably. If a clerk "overlooks" me in line, I speak up and make myself noticed, and I don't waste much time thinking about what it means.

Hi Boss! Yes, I look up to you in the office too. Please help us by promoting more women the way men promote each other.