Depressed and drowning in middle age

[Anonymous]

I have a great job, and I am (or maybe was?) good at it. I've gotten promoted a lot but now I just have too much to do and I just look in despair. I feel like a failure.

I have two kids, one needs private school, the other is very high needs (tweens). DH is helpful, but there is just so..much..running a household and keeping it afloat.

I'm in my mid 40s and age is starting to catch up with me. I can't keep up with twenty somethings anymore, and yet the demands on me seem greater than ever.

My to-do list is 400 pages long, I just can't face the day, so it grows longer. I have tried so hard over the past year but it's just not working. I'm starting to get really depressed. I tried to make changes last year to do less but obviously it failed.

How are people surviving and managing to feel good about life? Help me out DCUM; kick some sense into me or provide some friendly advice.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way OP. It sounds like you are depressed and feeling hopeless. As a start, I would suggest seeing your doctor for an SSRI prescription. It really helped me.

[Anonymous]

Wellbutrin

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m not that different than you. Same age, career trajectory, I have three kids (not two). Totally relate.

I tried Wellbutrin about a year ago and it didn’t help much. I’ve been recognizing that I need to really make time to reflect about my priorities and aligning my time with those priorities. I need to make time for rest and down time, way more than I ever needed before. I realize that I have a lot less time to waste on unhealthy things like drinking or overeating.

I’ve tried prioritizing spending time with my family and emotionally distancing myself from work. I’ve given enough to my career now and I can get by at work doing less than 100 percent. Instead, focusing on spending time with my kids and time on my own health has made me happier.

Not that I have it all figured out, which I don’t, but it took me 2-3 years to get to this better place.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. OP here. This is pretty silly, but I guess then I should also ask for tips on getting an appointment with a new PC doctor. I haven't been able to after mine moved away (and the one before that moved into a specialty.) I have one for April appointment with the one I could find (I have excellent / flexible insurance), but no one else seems to be taking new patients. I had an appointment last year as well but that doctor moved away before I got to an appointment. I realize this sounds ridiculous, I couldn't believe it myself.

[Anonymous]

One of the best things for me was coming to terms with the fact that I am not going to get to most things on a 400 page list. I prioritize and drop the rest. It’s given me mental space for the things I will do

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm right there with you. I have concluded that I am burned-out: 3 children (teen, tween, and 9yo), a heavy workload, a spouse, and no time for my self. I've been juggling this for at least 14 years - it finally caught up to me. It helps to just relax, and let some things (i.e. the poor attitude teen and tween) to fall on their faces and now engage. I coast a little at work. Right now, I need to rest, workout, and do some self-care, then I'm back in the game. Allow yourself to fall down, so you can get back up - it happens to the best of us.

[Anonymous]

You definitely sound depressed OP & I am very sorry that you are going through all of this right now.

You have a ton on your plate right now. 😕
I would strongly recommend that you see a psychiatrist + hopefully get on a good antidepressant.

It worked wonders for me.

I wish you all the best!

[Anonymous]

Age?

[Anonymous]

Have an affair.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand! It’s crazy how much effort it takes to “run a household” today. Was it always like this? Are our lifestyles inadvertently making it more difficult to be happy and successful?

(As an aside, I quit my job last year to become a stay at home mom. For 11 month, I did feel more in control, less stressed and happier overall. Then last month I was diagnosed with cancer. At age 41. Ain’t that something.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the best things for me was coming to terms with the fact that I am not going to get to most things on a 400 page list. I prioritize and drop the rest. It’s given me mental space for the things I will do

+1

An SSRI isn’t going to take away from the fact that your circumstances are, objectively speaking, depressing. Also they have side effects. I’m not categorically opposed to them but in your case it’s worth ruling out other things before you get diagnosed with clinical depression. Also, perimenopause can cause mood changes so it might be worth doing a deep dive on that.

[Anonymous]

Im a dude but otherwise this is me. At some point you need to figure out how to let some balls drop and not care. If your to-do list is that long, just forget about 90% of it. You have to understand that when you’re always there for people—at work or at home—they will keep using you instead of figuring their own shit out. This goes for spouses, kids, subordinates, superiors, and peers. If you’re as good as you sound like you are, cutting back will be a feature, not a bug, for everyone. Be Peter from Office Space. If you need pharma help, get some beta blockers NOT SSRIs. SSRIs will turn you into an automaton.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd start first with a life coach, ideally one who has experience with women in midlife. The effects of hormones are real.

Re: taking care of your health in a way that impacts mood: I found getting sunlight or using a light box and going for a daily 30 min walk were helpful, as is a regular bedtime, ideally 10, with no screens for a while beforehand. My doctor recommended the above and I scoffed but did find it beneficial. I also cut out sugar and dialed back caffeine to 2 cups a day, before lunch.

[Anonymous]

Feeling the same. Not as overwhelmed, but stagnant. Even my downtime is filled with dumb useless stuff. To numb my brain and create easy endorphins. Is that okay? I feel like it's okay, but may as well live in a slime pod in the matrix.