Depressed and drowning in middle age

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t have any answers but just wanted to post that I commiserate and you’re not alone. I feel the same way. There is just too much “management” for my household to run at the minimum. I have tried eliminating all unnecessary everything. I have curated a small group of a village for carpools and people I can lean on when I need help (and for whom I help when they need it). But it’s never enough, at least for my mental health. I have a great paying virtual job for which I am so grateful so it’s not the job. It’s just the job of being a parent to teens in 2024.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand! It’s crazy how much effort it takes to “run a household” today. Was it always like this? Are our lifestyles inadvertently making it more difficult to be happy and successful?

(As an aside, I quit my job last year to become a stay at home mom. For 11 month, I did feel more in control, less stressed and happier overall. Then last month I was diagnosed with cancer. At age 41. Ain’t that something.)

I have the same questions about the past. Like when and why did it get so hard? I’ve asked my dad about what it was like when we were kids. In my family, my mom stayed home but she also had severe mental health challenges and wasn’t a very effective partner or parent. I remember my dad working all day and then coming home and doing everything. Plus he was constantly taking us camping, sledding, hiking, swimming, etc. I asked him when he had downtime and he said his work was kind of a respite for him.

So I think work used to be a lot less demanding. I mean think about it-in the 90s they were just starting to use computers and email. Things were just slower back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd start first with a life coach, ideally one who has experience with women in midlife. The effects of hormones are real.

Re: taking care of your health in a way that impacts mood: I found getting sunlight or using a light box and going for a daily 30 min walk were helpful, as is a regular bedtime, ideally 10, with no screens for a while beforehand. My doctor recommended the above and I scoffed but did find it beneficial. I also cut out sugar and dialed back caffeine to 2 cups a day, before lunch.

Don’t go to a life coach. They are snake oil salesman and charlatans.

Go to a therapist, one recommended by your friends. They have licenses and education.

[Anonymous]

OP, listen to some good music and remember who you wanted to be when you grew up. Head in that direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd start first with a life coach, ideally one who has experience with women in midlife. The effects of hormones are real.

Re: taking care of your health in a way that impacts mood: I found getting sunlight or using a light box and going for a daily 30 min walk were helpful, as is a regular bedtime, ideally 10, with no screens for a while beforehand. My doctor recommended the above and I scoffed but did find it beneficial. I also cut out sugar and dialed back caffeine to 2 cups a day, before lunch.

Don’t go to a life coach. They are snake oil salesman and charlatans.

Go to a therapist, one recommended by your friends. They have licenses and education.

DP here. I went to a licensed therapist (doctorate in psychology and everything) who did coaching. I think that way she could just be a little more straight with me. It was much more helpful than with therapists who started with a deep dive into my childhood instead of just helping me with my immediate problems. But she wasn’t just a rando who took a life coach certification.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to hire people to pick up some of the household chores? Have your groceries delivered? Try to unload the mundane while you focus on what’s important.

[Anonymous]

OP I really, really feel you. I have a SN kid who can really suck the air from the room when they're not getting enough 1:1 time, my baby is going to middle school and is still struggling with a lot of things that I feel are my fault I haven't prepared them better for, and I vacillate as to whether I'm good at my job or am doing absurd performance art. DH is the higher earner and the subtext of that is he is comfortable with me delegating things to him on the home front and tends to not be very proactive (this is all euphemistic for something less flattering).

Ironic to say this here, on an internet forum, but helpful for me was getting rid of time wasters on my phone, especially social media. I thought I had pared down IG follows to things that were purely inspirational or special interest related, but I think even those were creating this knee-jerk "I guess I'll never have time for THAT, either" refrain in my head that was adding to my despair. So I really limit my time there. Also, HRT for perimenopause symptoms before heading to SSRIs can be something to assess. I'm not in a place to scale back at work time-wise just yet but I would really love to, I don't think there's a great answer other than that and it's not a possibility for many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the best things for me was coming to terms with the fact that I am not going to get to most things on a 400 page list. I prioritize and drop the rest. It’s given me mental space for the things I will do

+1 I'm a type A person, and it was really hard for me to let things go.

But, I was just too stressed out, and unhappy. And I was 40.

Something has to give, OP. You have to figure out what is not urgent, and drop the rest for now.

I basically killed my career because at the time, me being less stressed meant a healthier happier family.

One DC is now in college, and the other is a sophomore.. DH is a full partner, for the most part. I found a job that lets me wfh FT, and that has also made it a lot easier.

In the early years, I literally felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I see the light... DH and I hope to be retired in a few years, after DC#2 goes off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I really, really feel you. I have a SN kid who can really suck the air from the room when they're not getting enough 1:1 time, my baby is going to middle school and is still struggling with a lot of things that I feel are my fault I haven't prepared them better for, and I vacillate as to whether I'm good at my job or am doing absurd performance art. DH is the higher earner and the subtext of that is he is comfortable with me delegating things to him on the home front and tends to not be very proactive (this is all euphemistic for something less flattering).

Ironic to say this here, on an internet forum, but helpful for me was getting rid of time wasters on my phone, especially social media. I thought I had pared down IG follows to things that were purely inspirational or special interest related, but I think even those were creating this knee-jerk "I guess I'll never have time for THAT, either" refrain in my head that was adding to my despair. So I really limit my time there. Also, HRT for perimenopause symptoms before heading to SSRIs can be something to assess. I'm not in a place to scale back at work time-wise just yet but I would really love to, I don't think there's a great answer other than that and it's not a possibility for many.

I find that social media, even if you think you aren't that interested in it, a time sucker. Even DCUM is a time sucker. LOL

[Anonymous]

Oh, OK, I hear you. A couple things to think about.

Really ask yourself if you lost your life tomorrow, what on your to do list would you even care about? Really do less. It’s OK not to have the cleanest house or the best dress family or whatever.

I say this because I had a family member passed away unexpectedly in her 40s last year, and it really put things in perspective for me.

Also, you are probably approaching perimenopause in your 40s, and it really does stuff to your mood. I would agree to get a health check up and to be evaluated for depression and other mood-based feelings. We are not good with dealing with perimenopausal women’s health or feelings in this country.

Lastly, asked for more specific help from your husband and kids. If you’ve always done the laundry, question and say hey, I can’t handle this anymore, I need you all to pick up some slack.

Also, we get giant Peapod groceries delivered every week, and it is the best money. I spend all week, mainly because it saves me two hours of shopping. Not because it’s the best choices or options, but it is so much easier than spending two hours at the store.

Also realize that you may be being too hard on yourself. Step back and give yourself some grace and slack.

[Anonymous]

I feel this a lot OP. I am early 50s, teens, lots of financial and professional pressure, the sole caregiver for my mother with dementia, DH helps but he takes care of his 92 year old mother, one child has significant mental and physical health issues, and we have no community or family here, like only a few friends. We both have tiny families (I have no first cousins, no parents who have evern been able to help out, one remote sibling across the country, etc) and we moved to an insular place where we have trouble meeting people. I'm very ambitious but its also killing me and its a complicated work place because a couple people were resentful that I was brought in, so sometimes I fantasize about a terrible accident happening to me so that I have an excuse to stop. I know that's terrible and I dont realy want that to happen but its an indication of feeling trapped by my own choices/path.

[Anonymous]

I’m running a half marathon in March. I have tried pharmaceuticals in the past; they have helped but eventually stop working. So this time when I decided I was low enough that I needed them, that I would try running instead. I wouldn’t say it’s “working” but I think it’s as effective and obvs better for me than drugs.

[Anonymous]

Trying to have it all is overwhelming. I can't remember who said it (it wasn't me), but having it all is way overrated...When is the last time you left an all you can buffet and felt good about yourself? Figure out which of those 400 balls are glass and drop the rest.

Also, Prozac helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great job, and I am (or maybe was?) good at it. I've gotten promoted a lot but now I just have too much to do and I just look in despair. I feel like a failure.

I have two kids, one needs private school, the other is very high needs (tweens). DH is helpful, but there is just so..much..running a household and keeping it afloat.

I'm in my mid 40s and age is starting to catch up with me. I can't keep up with twenty somethings anymore, and yet the demands on me seem greater than ever.

My to-do list is 400 pages long, I just can't face the day, so it grows longer. I have tried so hard over the past year but it's just not working. I'm starting to get really depressed. I tried to make changes last year to do less but obviously it failed.

How are people surviving and managing to feel good about life? Help me out DCUM; kick some sense into me or provide some friendly advice.

Oh please.

Sister, you need to stop whining. Time to put on your big-girl pants and do your job (which includes parenting).

If your privileged life is really that bad, then maybe you shouldn't have been a mother in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great job, and I am (or maybe was?) good at it. I've gotten promoted a lot but now I just have too much to do and I just look in despair. I feel like a failure.

I have two kids, one needs private school, the other is very high needs (tweens). DH is helpful, but there is just so..much..running a household and keeping it afloat.

I'm in my mid 40s and age is starting to catch up with me. I can't keep up with twenty somethings anymore, and yet the demands on me seem greater than ever.

My to-do list is 400 pages long, I just can't face the day, so it grows longer. I have tried so hard over the past year but it's just not working. I'm starting to get really depressed. I tried to make changes last year to do less but obviously it failed.

How are people surviving and managing to feel good about life? Help me out DCUM; kick some sense into me or provide some friendly advice.

Oh please.

Sister, you need to stop whining. Time to put on your big-girl pants and do your job (which includes parenting).

If your privileged life is really that bad, then maybe you shouldn't have been a mother in the first place.

Agree. Stop feeling sorry for yourself OP, your kids deserve better.