Depressed and drowning in middle age

[Anonymous]

paper plates, carry out food, outsource everything you can

[Anonymous]

In your mid 40s you are at peak stress time career and home wise. The only way you can survive is set priorities and not sweat the small stuff. If you have tweens and teens, they are old enough to do their own laundry plus other basic household chores. Hire more help for around the house. If you are a person who can’t say no, learn to say no.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. I’m in the same phase of life and it does feel overwhelming. Personally, I work on shutting down any negative self-talk and try to remember that we can only do our best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great job, and I am (or maybe was?) good at it. I've gotten promoted a lot but now I just have too much to do and I just look in despair. I feel like a failure.

I have two kids, one needs private school, the other is very high needs (tweens). DH is helpful, but there is just so..much..running a household and keeping it afloat.

I'm in my mid 40s and age is starting to catch up with me. I can't keep up with twenty somethings anymore, and yet the demands on me seem greater than ever.

My to-do list is 400 pages long, I just can't face the day, so it grows longer. I have tried so hard over the past year but it's just not working. I'm starting to get really depressed. I tried to make changes last year to do less but obviously it failed.

How are people surviving and managing to feel good about life? Help me out DCUM; kick some sense into me or provide some friendly advice.

You need to work less even carve out a half day or a few hours a week asap to start taking care of you and your non work things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand! It’s crazy how much effort it takes to “run a household” today. Was it always like this? Are our lifestyles inadvertently making it more difficult to be happy and successful?

(As an aside, I quit my job last year to become a stay at home mom. For 11 month, I did feel more in control, less stressed and happier overall. Then last month I was diagnosed with cancer. At age 41. Ain’t that something.)

I have the same questions about the past. Like when and why did it get so hard? I’ve asked my dad about what it was like when we were kids. In my family, my mom stayed home but she also had severe mental health challenges and wasn’t a very effective partner or parent. I remember my dad working all day and then coming home and doing everything. Plus he was constantly taking us camping, sledding, hiking, swimming, etc. I asked him when he had downtime and he said his work was kind of a respite for him.

So I think work used to be a lot less demanding. I mean think about it-in the 90s they were just starting to use computers and email. Things were just slower back then.

Dp.. also, when I was younger, it was a lot easier to parent. We didn't have so many activities, books on what you should or shouldn't do that made you feel like you couldn't live up to being a good parent. I watched a sh!t ton of tv (no cable). I never expected my parents to play with me, and they never did. They were too busy working, and for my mom, the added work of cleaning the house and cooking.

When my kids were younger, I felt obligated to play board games with them, which I hate. I took them to the park all the time. My parents never took me to the park. My siblings and I went on our own. And I went through the college app process myself. Zero help from parents.

I'm not saying I want to parent like them, but it was certainly easier in many ways for the older generation to parent. There was less expectation of so much involvement and enrichment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a great job, and I am (or maybe was?) good at it. I've gotten promoted a lot but now I just have too much to do and I just look in despair. I feel like a failure.

I have two kids, one needs private school, the other is very high needs (tweens). DH is helpful, but there is just so..much..running a household and keeping it afloat.

I'm in my mid 40s and age is starting to catch up with me. I can't keep up with twenty somethings anymore, and yet the demands on me seem greater than ever.

My to-do list is 400 pages long, I just can't face the day, so it grows longer. I have tried so hard over the past year but it's just not working. I'm starting to get really depressed. I tried to make changes last year to do less but obviously it failed.

How are people surviving and managing to feel good about life? Help me out DCUM; kick some sense into me or provide some friendly advice.

cut back on work.

[Anonymous]

You have put your career ahead of your children OP. What did you expect would happen?

Women like you shouldn't become mothers because they are too selfish and unrealistically just want it all, leading to neglected kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have put your career ahead of your children OP. What did you expect would happen?

Women like you shouldn't become mothers because they are too selfish and unrealistically just want it all, leading to neglected kids.

Did we just enter a portal back to the 1950’s?

Not OP, but I was a stay-at-home mom and went back to work partly to provide my kids with opportunities they wouldn’t have had otherwise (travel, camps, etc).

[Anonymous]

I am SAHM.
DH is good earner.
I have outsourced cleaning.
I have only 2 kids.
I have no pets.
Everyone pitches in.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP here's the advice so far

--work less
--hire more help, so you can outsource more, and manage even more people and schedules
--go back in time and dont have kids, you selfish monster!
--go back in time and marry someone who will make a lot of money and be a SAHM
--let it go, our parents barely did anything and we turned out okay
--stop whining!
--Be easier on yourself, its hard out there
--use paper plates

Honestly, my only advice is to try to drown out the judgment of other people, and perhaps the most important critic to drown out is your internal one.

What would you tell your daughter if she is struggling to juggle it all--homework, activities, grades, boys, mean girls? how would you speak to her and what practical advice would you give her? Maybe something like: you are doing your best and that's good enough for the world. Focus on what's important and nurture healthy relationships. Let go of toxic ones. Get enough sleep. Have some fun. Get some exercise. Dont worry, you are perfect as you are.

Now, be that person to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand! It’s crazy how much effort it takes to “run a household” today. Was it always like this? Are our lifestyles inadvertently making it more difficult to be happy and successful?

(As an aside, I quit my job last year to become a stay at home mom. For 11 month, I did feel more in control, less stressed and happier overall. Then last month I was diagnosed with cancer. At age 41. Ain’t that something.)

I have the same questions about the past. Like when and why did it get so hard? I’ve asked my dad about what it was like when we were kids. In my family, my mom stayed home but she also had severe mental health challenges and wasn’t a very effective partner or parent. I remember my dad working all day and then coming home and doing everything. Plus he was constantly taking us camping, sledding, hiking, swimming, etc. I asked him when he had downtime and he said his work was kind of a respite for him.

So I think work used to be a lot less demanding. I mean think about it-in the 90s they were just starting to use computers and email. Things were just slower back then.

Dp.. also, when I was younger, it was a lot easier to parent. We didn't have so many activities, books on what you should or shouldn't do that made you feel like you couldn't live up to being a good parent. I watched a sh!t ton of tv (no cable). I never expected my parents to play with me, and they never did. They were too busy working, and for my mom, the added work of cleaning the house and cooking.

When my kids were younger, I felt obligated to play board games with them, which I hate. I took them to the park all the time. My parents never took me to the park. My siblings and I went on our own. And I went through the college app process myself. Zero help from parents.

I'm not saying I want to parent like them, but it was certainly easier in many ways for the older generation to parent. There was less expectation of so much involvement and enrichment.

I became a SAHM in this country because it was very clear to me that workplaces and society was not really family friendly. I threw myself wholly on making sure that the household ran smoothly, my kids got the best academic, EC, sports and social enrichment, we had a healthy lifestyle, we ate organic and nutritious food, our social networks thrived, we hosted regularly, my DH flourished in his career and training, we had a great lifestyle, we were able to fulfill our family obligation etc. Our family did well physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and socially.

Though I did not have a career and earning except for a few years...I could do all of this for my family because I was home. Personally, it worked very well for me because of my loyal, helpful, respectful, high earning DH who respected and valued what I did. However, in general, I would not advise women to leave their career and not have an income.

In future I expect to help out my DD and DIL with running their household and raising their kids, so that they can continue with their career with some help.

[Anonymous]

Wellbutrin was good for my acute depression phase but it didn’t stop the problems causing my depression.

My depression is caused partly by mentally ill family members (family of origin) screaming and yelling because they are too immature to handle their emotions.

Once I learned how to handle the family differently, the yelling has decreased 100% in one and 95% in the other.

This is what worked for me:


Use breathwork to get out of hypervigilance.

Nurture supportive relationships.

Add movement of some kind. Doesn’t matter what. I like to lift weights and hike but find what works for you.

Cold water dips to increase dopamine.
In summer, I spend 15 min in a swimming pool. Mood improved!

Getting outside most days even for a little while.

Reduce time with mentally ill family members.

Schedule in fun events like phone calls with distant friends or coffee with a nearby friend.

More sex with spouse.



I’m off wellbutrin now. The above helped me permanently change my brain and now I know how to get out of or avoid hypervigilance, how to handle mentally unstable family members, how to be a better friend, and how to have more self-belief.

Spouse keeps saying our marriage is so good too.

Not perfect here but much, much better and feel like I am thriving.

You’ll get there, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great job, and I am (or maybe was?) good at it. I've gotten promoted a lot but now I just have too much to do and I just look in despair. I feel like a failure.

I have two kids, one needs private school, the other is very high needs (tweens). DH is helpful, but there is just so..much..running a household and keeping it afloat.

I'm in my mid 40s and age is starting to catch up with me. I can't keep up with twenty somethings anymore, and yet the demands on me seem greater than ever.

My to-do list is 400 pages long, I just can't face the day, so it grows longer. I have tried so hard over the past year but it's just not working. I'm starting to get really depressed. I tried to make changes last year to do less but obviously it failed.

How are people surviving and managing to feel good about life? Help me out DCUM; kick some sense into me or provide some friendly advice.

Oh please.

Sister, you need to stop whining. Time to put on your big-girl pants and do your job (which includes parenting).

If your privileged life is really that bad, then maybe you shouldn't have been a mother in the first place.

I cannot say this strongly enough.
GO AWAY.
If you don't like people sharing their real problems, then get the F off a parenting forum.
No one needs your input, no one wants it, you're not clever, you're not more virtuous, you're not 'better', you're actually just a troll and you are making all of our lives worse by your input. stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand! It’s crazy how much effort it takes to “run a household” today. Was it always like this? Are our lifestyles inadvertently making it more difficult to be happy and successful?

(As an aside, I quit my job last year to become a stay at home mom. For 11 month, I did feel more in control, less stressed and happier overall. Then last month I was diagnosed with cancer. At age 41. Ain’t that something.)

I have the same questions about the past. Like when and why did it get so hard? I’ve asked my dad about what it was like when we were kids. In my family, my mom stayed home but she also had severe mental health challenges and wasn’t a very effective partner or parent. I remember my dad working all day and then coming home and doing everything. Plus he was constantly taking us camping, sledding, hiking, swimming, etc. I asked him when he had downtime and he said his work was kind of a respite for him.

So I think work used to be a lot less demanding. I mean think about it-in the 90s they were just starting to use computers and email. Things were just slower back then.

Dp.. also, when I was younger, it was a lot easier to parent. We didn't have so many activities, books on what you should or shouldn't do that made you feel like you couldn't live up to being a good parent. I watched a sh!t ton of tv (no cable). I never expected my parents to play with me, and they never did. They were too busy working, and for my mom, the added work of cleaning the house and cooking.

When my kids were younger, I felt obligated to play board games with them, which I hate. I took them to the park all the time. My parents never took me to the park. My siblings and I went on our own. And I went through the college app process myself. Zero help from parents.

I'm not saying I want to parent like them, but it was certainly easier in many ways for the older generation to parent. There was less expectation of so much involvement and enrichment.

I became a SAHM in this country because it was very clear to me that workplaces and society was not really family friendly. I threw myself wholly on making sure that the household ran smoothly, my kids got the best academic, EC, sports and social enrichment, we had a healthy lifestyle, we ate organic and nutritious food, our social networks thrived, we hosted regularly, my DH flourished in his career and training, we had a great lifestyle, we were able to fulfill our family obligation etc. Our family did well physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and socially.

Though I did not have a career and earning except for a few years...I could do all of this for my family because I was home. Personally, it worked very well for me because of my loyal, helpful, respectful, high earning DH who respected and valued what I did. However, in general, I would not advise women to leave their career and not have an income.

In future I expect to help out my DD and DIL with running their household and raising their kids, so that they can continue with their career with some help.

This is an amazingly unhelpful post to the point where I am wondering if you are a troll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP here's the advice so far

--work less
--hire more help, so you can outsource more, and manage even more people and schedules
--go back in time and dont have kids, you selfish monster!
--go back in time and marry someone who will make a lot of money and be a SAHM
--let it go, our parents barely did anything and we turned out okay
--stop whining!
--Be easier on yourself, its hard out there
--use paper plates

Honestly, my only advice is to try to drown out the judgment of other people, and perhaps the most important critic to drown out is your internal one.

What would you tell your daughter if she is struggling to juggle it all--homework, activities, grades, boys, mean girls? how would you speak to her and what practical advice would you give her? Maybe something like: you are doing your best and that's good enough for the world. Focus on what's important and nurture healthy relationships. Let go of toxic ones. Get enough sleep. Have some fun. Get some exercise. Dont worry, you are perfect as you are.

Now, be that person to yourself.

amazing post. would use the clapping emoji if could find it.