Depressed and drowning in middle age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you are feeling this way OP. It sounds like you are depressed and feeling hopeless. As a start, I would suggest seeing your doctor for an SSRI prescription. It really helped me.

Medication? OP, tell your husband to get off his arse, first. Create a household list (together) and start splitting things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have put your career ahead of your children OP. What did you expect would happen?

Women like you shouldn't become mothers because they are too selfish and unrealistically just want it all, leading to neglected kids.

Did we just enter a portal back to the 1950’s?

Not OP, but I was a stay-at-home mom and went back to work partly to provide my kids with opportunities they wouldn’t have had otherwise (travel, camps, etc).

it's probably the same incel who answered two or three times in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im a dude but otherwise this is me. At some point you need to figure out how to let some balls drop and not care. If your to-do list is that long, just forget about 90% of it. You have to understand that when you’re always there for people—at work or at home—they will keep using you instead of figuring their own shit out. This goes for spouses, kids, subordinates, superiors, and peers. If you’re as good as you sound like you are, cutting back will be a feature, not a bug, for everyone. Be Peter from Office Space. If you need pharma help, get some beta blockers NOT SSRIs. SSRIs will turn you into an automaton.

Dudette here and totally agree. Best advice!

[Anonymous]

Can you ruthlessly prioritize.m? Can you only to the things on your list that will categorically make your life better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP here's the advice so far

--work less
--hire more help, so you can outsource more, and manage even more people and schedules
--go back in time and dont have kids, you selfish monster!
--go back in time and marry someone who will make a lot of money and be a SAHM
--let it go, our parents barely did anything and we turned out okay
--stop whining!
--Be easier on yourself, its hard out there
--use paper plates

Honestly, my only advice is to try to drown out the judgment of other people, and perhaps the most important critic to drown out is your internal one.

What would you tell your daughter if she is struggling to juggle it all--homework, activities, grades, boys, mean girls? how would you speak to her and what practical advice would you give her? Maybe something like: you are doing your best and that's good enough for the world. Focus on what's important and nurture healthy relationships. Let go of toxic ones. Get enough sleep. Have some fun. Get some exercise. Dont worry, you are perfect as you are.

Now, be that person to yourself.

amazing post. would use the clapping emoji if could find it.

👏👏👏👏
Here you go!
Also there's advice to not have pets, but I would tell my daughter if she loves pets and that makes her happy, then yes pets. PETS =

"Some of the most common chemicals that get a healthy boost are oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and endorphins – a recipe for happiness."

[Anonymous]

Why is your to do list that long? Perhaps you need to say no more.

[Anonymous]

I hear you op. I have a calendar where I cross one day at a time. It’s a phase. It’ll pass too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a great job, and I am (or maybe was?) good at it. I've gotten promoted a lot but now I just have too much to do and I just look in despair. I feel like a failure.

I have two kids, one needs private school, the other is very high needs (tweens). DH is helpful, but there is just so..much..running a household and keeping it afloat.

I'm in my mid 40s and age is starting to catch up with me. I can't keep up with twenty somethings anymore, and yet the demands on me seem greater than ever.

My to-do list is 400 pages long, I just can't face the day, so it grows longer. I have tried so hard over the past year but it's just not working. I'm starting to get really depressed. I tried to make changes last year to do less but obviously it failed.

How are people surviving and managing to feel good about life? Help me out DCUM; kick some sense into me or provide some friendly advice.

Oh please.

Sister, you need to stop whining. Time to put on your big-girl pants and do your job (which includes parenting).

If your privileged life is really that bad, then maybe you shouldn't have been a mother in the first place.

Sister? You're either a troll or a 20-something with no kids.

re: the bolded - right, because the depths and struggles of this job are clearly explained at the pre-preg meeting. "You knew exactly what it would be like, suck it up" is... a bold take. If you do have kids, now or later, get ready to gag on your own words.

Being quiet is free, and keeps you pretty. Try that.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't pour from an empty cup. Look and your to-do list and highlight the things that are taking care of you/your needs.

Move those things to the top of the list. Ignore the trolls who will call you selfish or a bad mom.

Airplane rule; you put your own oxygen mask on first. Prioritize your own self-care.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I’m a single mom with sole custody, a boatload of health problems, including major depressive disorder, and am struggling. I am on medication and have a therapist and a psychiatrist. No advice, but these years can be tough. I hope you find some ways to mitigate your challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP here's the advice so far

--work less
--hire more help, so you can outsource more, and manage even more people and schedules
--go back in time and dont have kids, you selfish monster!
--go back in time and marry someone who will make a lot of money and be a SAHM
--let it go, our parents barely did anything and we turned out okay
--stop whining!
--Be easier on yourself, its hard out there
--use paper plates

Honestly, my only advice is to try to drown out the judgment of other people, and perhaps the most important critic to drown out is your internal one.

What would you tell your daughter if she is struggling to juggle it all--homework, activities, grades, boys, mean girls? how would you speak to her and what practical advice would you give her? Maybe something like: you are doing your best and that's good enough for the world. Focus on what's important and nurture healthy relationships. Let go of toxic ones. Get enough sleep. Have some fun. Get some exercise. Dont worry, you are perfect as you are.

Now, be that person to yourself.

amazing post. would use the clapping emoji if could find it.

Agree. Should have thrown in paper cups, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand! It’s crazy how much effort it takes to “run a household” today. Was it always like this? Are our lifestyles inadvertently making it more difficult to be happy and successful?

(As an aside, I quit my job last year to become a stay at home mom. For 11 month, I did feel more in control, less stressed and happier overall. Then last month I was diagnosed with cancer. At age 41. Ain’t that something.)

I have the same questions about the past. Like when and why did it get so hard? I’ve asked my dad about what it was like when we were kids. In my family, my mom stayed home but she also had severe mental health challenges and wasn’t a very effective partner or parent. I remember my dad working all day and then coming home and doing everything. Plus he was constantly taking us camping, sledding, hiking, swimming, etc. I asked him when he had downtime and he said his work was kind of a respite for him.

So I think work used to be a lot less demanding. I mean think about it-in the 90s they were just starting to use computers and email. Things were just slower back then.

Dp.. also, when I was younger, it was a lot easier to parent. We didn't have so many activities, books on what you should or shouldn't do that made you feel like you couldn't live up to being a good parent. I watched a sh!t ton of tv (no cable). I never expected my parents to play with me, and they never did. They were too busy working, and for my mom, the added work of cleaning the house and cooking.

When my kids were younger, I felt obligated to play board games with them, which I hate. I took them to the park all the time. My parents never took me to the park. My siblings and I went on our own. And I went through the college app process myself. Zero help from parents.

I'm not saying I want to parent like them, but it was certainly easier in many ways for the older generation to parent. There was less expectation of so much involvement and enrichment.

I don’t know if that’s true - it’s probably true for the middle class because there weren’t even the resources and parents didn’t care that much. But UMC and UC always had enrichment and activities, although with Nannie’s to take care of the logistics. When you read Stefan Zweig - he had Latin and Greek in middle/high school and all modern languages were solely taught by tutors - he had tutors for English, French and Italian I believe. Also sports - tennis es en vogue back then, so people did play it. This is just one example of a UMC person growing up 100 years ago and that was the normal life for him and his friends. He wrote about it in one of his novels.

[Anonymous]

Women in my circle who get like this wind up having affairs - it gets their groove back and they wind up being happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you are feeling this way OP. It sounds like you are depressed and feeling hopeless. As a start, I would suggest seeing your doctor for an SSRI prescription. It really helped me.

Medication? OP, tell your husband to get off his arse, first. Create a household list (together) and start splitting things up.

Men are the worst!

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. These years are tough. It’s a lot to juggle. There is a saying that really helped me reframe my life and priorities. God grant me the serenity to change the things I can control, accept the things I can’t control, and the wisdom to know the difference.

What is truly important? What changes would make a difference? Make small goals and prioritize them. Can you outsource anything? Can you incorporate exercise? Do you need to change jobs?

How much is your mental health impacted by other people’s behaviors? You can’t change people but you can change how you communicate and how you react to them.