People who show their "true colors" during illness....

[Anonymous]

My neighbor is going through a major health crisis and is very active on a blog/GoFundMe. Her spouse is dying of a rare cancer. In her posts, she often talks about people who have ghosted/faded during the crisis -- people whom she has considered her friends who just have not stepped up. Meanwhile, other people have surprised her by really coming through.

What is it, in a person, that either causes them to step up to help -- and what is the thought process among people who do NOT help or show support when someone is dealing with a medical issue? What is the rationale/mindset on either end? I just cannot fathom being close to someone and ghosting if they have an illness. How on earth and why?

[Anonymous]

It’s uncomfortable for many people to be around sickness. Many don’t know what to do. And people just don’t care.
I wonder more about why people put themselves out on social media like this.

[Anonymous]

Agree that many people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. They aren’t sure what you (the patient) might feel up to or comfortable with, so you often end up excluded. I don’t think it’s malicious in any way—just discomfort, some of which is probably justified.

One of the loneliest things about serious illness is suddenly realizing how little you have in common any more with people who are healthy. They’re planning for things like vacations, college, retirement, home renovations, etc. while you’re worrying whether insurance will cover your next surgery, feeling guilty for buying clothes you may not be around to wear, and wondering if you’ll ever see your kids graduate or be healthy enough to travel again.

When I was going through cancer treatment, a part of me just wanted to be treated normally, and enjoy a few hours when I might be able to forget about being sick. But that can be difficult for everyone involved. If my cancer ever comes back, I probably would handle things differently and tell no one outside the immediate family for as long as possible. I’d also make more of an effort to seek out support groups to ensure a group of people I could talk with about subjects my old friends couldn’t relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s uncomfortable for many people to be around sickness. Many don’t know what to do. And people just don’t care.
I wonder more about why people put themselves out on social media like this.

Discomfort, too bad. Suck it up and be a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s uncomfortable for many people to be around sickness. Many don’t know what to do. And people just don’t care.
I wonder more about why people put themselves out on social media like this.

Discomfort, too bad. Suck it up and be a good person.

Agree. It’s gross that people can’t get over themselves to reach out. Oh,
you feel uncomfortable? I doubt you feel worse than, you know, the actual person who is battling for their life.

[Anonymous]

I would take her comments with a HUGE grain of salt, OP, especially if she's very active on social media and uses it to judge others. It's not the behavior of a trustworthy person. Sadly I've had multiple people in my circle suffer from cancer, and neither them nor their spouse ever did that on social media.

People react to serious illness differently. Some will not put themselves forward and rush to help, because they don't know what to do exactly. They just say: "let me know what I can do". Others organize meal trains, bring gifts, call for updates, etc. Neither of these is better or worse than the other. When you're the patient, you need to learn to ask for help.

My friend currently battling lung cancer confided to me that she received the exact same gift from 5 friends and didn't know what to do with them! She appreciates the gestures, but the gifts themselves aren't useful to her. I am very careful with meal trains, because having been sick myself, I know not all food is welcome, and everyone doesn't have the same tastes. If you're on steroids, for instance, it's best to avoid salt otherwise you're going to retain massive amounts of water. Or maybe chemo is making you nauseous, and no food is going to be super appealing anyway. Or maybe you can't get out of bed, and you really need high-fiber foods due to terrible constipation... you see what I mean. Most people aren't terribly thoughtful and just give what's easy for them.

In general, the impulsive people rush to help, and the less impulsive wait to be asked for a specific action. I seem to have become the default driver to and from chemo/appointments, because I have time during the day and am available on short notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would take her comments with a HUGE grain of salt, OP, especially if she's very active on social media and uses it to judge others. It's not the behavior of a trustworthy person. Sadly I've had multiple people in my circle suffer from cancer, and neither them nor their spouse ever did that on social media.

People react to serious illness differently. Some will not put themselves forward and rush to help, because they don't know what to do exactly. They just say: "let me know what I can do". Others organize meal trains, bring gifts, call for updates, etc. Neither of these is better or worse than the other. When you're the patient, you need to learn to ask for help.

My friend currently battling lung cancer confided to me that she received the exact same gift from 5 friends and didn't know what to do with them! She appreciates the gestures, but the gifts themselves aren't useful to her. I am very careful with meal trains, because having been sick myself, I know not all food is welcome, and everyone doesn't have the same tastes. If you're on steroids, for instance, it's best to avoid salt otherwise you're going to retain massive amounts of water. Or maybe chemo is making you nauseous, and no food is going to be super appealing anyway. Or maybe you can't get out of bed, and you really need high-fiber foods due to terrible constipation... you see what I mean. Most people aren't terribly thoughtful and just give what's easy for them.

In general, the impulsive people rush to help, and the less impulsive wait to be asked for a specific action. I seem to have become the default driver to and from chemo/appointments, because I have time during the day and am available on short notice.

Oh no, hard no - I think so many wonderful, compassionate people share their health or medical journeys on social media - don't paint them with an untrustworthy broad brush. Sometimes this means speaking hard truths: When you're sick, some people drop you. That's not being judgmental. It's speaking your truth. And sometimes, the truth hurts.

"Impulsive" people rush to help? Kind people rush to help. Proactive people rush to help. Those who have "been there" rush to help. "Waiting to be asked" isn't helpful for someone struggling to keep their head above water. They have better things to do than to ask. Reach out. Be proactive. Don't put an already beleaguered person in the position of begging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would take her comments with a HUGE grain of salt, OP, especially if she's very active on social media and uses it to judge others. It's not the behavior of a trustworthy person. Sadly I've had multiple people in my circle suffer from cancer, and neither them nor their spouse ever did that on social media.

People react to serious illness differently. Some will not put themselves forward and rush to help, because they don't know what to do exactly. They just say: "let me know what I can do". Others organize meal trains, bring gifts, call for updates, etc. Neither of these is better or worse than the other. When you're the patient, you need to learn to ask for help.

My friend currently battling lung cancer confided to me that she received the exact same gift from 5 friends and didn't know what to do with them! She appreciates the gestures, but the gifts themselves aren't useful to her. I am very careful with meal trains, because having been sick myself, I know not all food is welcome, and everyone doesn't have the same tastes. If you're on steroids, for instance, it's best to avoid salt otherwise you're going to retain massive amounts of water. Or maybe chemo is making you nauseous, and no food is going to be super appealing anyway. Or maybe you can't get out of bed, and you really need high-fiber foods due to terrible constipation... you see what I mean. Most people aren't terribly thoughtful and just give what's easy for them.

In general, the impulsive people rush to help, and the less impulsive wait to be asked for a specific action. I seem to have become the default driver to and from chemo/appointments, because I have time during the day and am available on short notice.

Oh no, hard no - I think so many wonderful, compassionate people share their health or medical journeys on social media - don't paint them with an untrustworthy broad brush. Sometimes this means speaking hard truths: When you're sick, some people drop you. That's not being judgmental. It's speaking your truth. And sometimes, the truth hurts.

"Impulsive" people rush to help? Kind people rush to help. Proactive people rush to help. Those who have "been there" rush to help. "Waiting to be asked" isn't helpful for someone struggling to keep their head above water. They have better things to do than to ask. Reach out. Be proactive. Don't put an already beleaguered person in the position of begging.

Criticizing others on social media is the problem. Not sharing the medical journey.

I stand by what I said, PP. It's not begging to ask for help. Kind people will respond.
The people who initiate a gift or food or something else will sometimes hit the mark, or sometimes miss. That's fine.
But it's not "better" than someone who reminds the patient that they are willing to step in, then wait to for a specific request.
Of course we're not talking about people who do not acknowledge the diagnosis or flake out on requests for help.

I've been the patient and the helper for many years, I know what I'm talking about.

[Anonymous]

My mom died when I was a teenager. The loudest and most effusive of my friends disappeared. The quiet and more serious ones stepped up. It was a big lesson for me.

The people who get things done are the ones least likely to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

One of the loneliest things about serious illness is suddenly realizing how little you have in common any more with people who are healthy. They’re planning for things like vacations, college, retirement, home renovations, etc. while you’re worrying whether insurance will cover your next surgery, feeling guilty for buying clothes you may not be around to wear, and wondering if you’ll ever see your kids graduate or be healthy enough to travel again.

Former caregiver here, my husband recently passed away. I just wanted to say you described this so eloquently. This is how I always felt and I know how he felt.

To the OP - we had some of people ghost us. I was too busy and stressed to care. But I'm sure they also want to meet up more often (we had to cancel frequently) and also they may want to talk about their "normal lives" and not feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

I have been through quite a few hard times and while I may have vented to a therapist about those who seemed to fade away, I would never blast them, even without giving names online. I have been through a very ill loved one and I'm sorry, but your neighbor is inappropriate. She is trying to guilt trip people into giving to her "go fund me" by shaming others.

I always try to assume the friend who isn't there has her or his own stress or is just overwhelmed. I find it much healthier to focus on those who are there for me. Eventually I find out was the person who wasn't dealing with her own crisis or maybe she just isn't as close a friend as I thought. Regardless, there is no place for shaming even if you don't name the person. I learn that person is not a close friend and when they have their own crises I figure out if I can help and just do far less if the person decided not to be there for me.

Some people are limited. Some people just use you. Regardless, simply use the info, feel the hurt and move on. Venting on your blog is just obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would take her comments with a HUGE grain of salt, OP, especially if she's very active on social media and uses it to judge others. It's not the behavior of a trustworthy person. Sadly I've had multiple people in my circle suffer from cancer, and neither them nor their spouse ever did that on social media.

People react to serious illness differently. Some will not put themselves forward and rush to help, because they don't know what to do exactly. They just say: "let me know what I can do". Others organize meal trains, bring gifts, call for updates, etc. Neither of these is better or worse than the other. When you're the patient, you need to learn to ask for help.

My friend currently battling lung cancer confided to me that she received the exact same gift from 5 friends and didn't know what to do with them! She appreciates the gestures, but the gifts themselves aren't useful to her. I am very careful with meal trains, because having been sick myself, I know not all food is welcome, and everyone doesn't have the same tastes. If you're on steroids, for instance, it's best to avoid salt otherwise you're going to retain massive amounts of water. Or maybe chemo is making you nauseous, and no food is going to be super appealing anyway. Or maybe you can't get out of bed, and you really need high-fiber foods due to terrible constipation... you see what I mean. Most people aren't terribly thoughtful and just give what's easy for them.

In general, the impulsive people rush to help, and the less impulsive wait to be asked for a specific action. I seem to have become the default driver to and from chemo/appointments, because I have time during the day and am available on short notice.

I agree with this person. It is disturbing to blast your grievances on social media. Also, the food trains and guilt trips crazy and out of control. I was asked to be on one for a family I knew was gluten free and had numerous allergies the "saint" arranging it was not aware of any of it and refused to at least mention it. My friend could not risk having ANY of the food. We got her food we knew was safe on our own, but she didn't feel right advocating for herself when the food train leader ignored what I said.

My mother received all sorts of kindness. I was there daily helping when dad was toward the end. She got food gifts from neighbors. The list goes on and she appreciated none of it, yet she complains that nobody will do anything for her when she has a minor surgery. It's because she can't be gracious and her "thank you" is said with an annoyed face.

It's best to just appreciate what people do and have grace and assume you aren't the only one facing things. Even when one of my kids had minor surgery I could not there for a friend until recover was over. There are still risks, doctor appointments, follow ups, pharmacy runs, making sure records arrived and I had nothing left to give. Once I saw my kid was healing well, then I could shift focus.Others may have decided I didn't have a good excuse, but too bad. I had a cousin die during a minor surgery due to a bad anesthesia reaction. I needed all my reserves for my kid.

Oh no, hard no - I think so many wonderful, compassionate people share their health or medical journeys on social media - don't paint them with an untrustworthy broad brush. Sometimes this means speaking hard truths: When you're sick, some people drop you. That's not being judgmental. It's speaking your truth. And sometimes, the truth hurts.

"Impulsive" people rush to help? Kind people rush to help. Proactive people rush to help. Those who have "been there" rush to help. "Waiting to be asked" isn't helpful for someone struggling to keep their head above water. They have better things to do than to ask. Reach out. Be proactive. Don't put an already beleaguered person in the position of begging.

Criticizing others on social media is the problem. Not sharing the medical journey.

I stand by what I said, PP. It's not begging to ask for help. Kind people will respond.
The people who initiate a gift or food or something else will sometimes hit the mark, or sometimes miss. That's fine.
But it's not "better" than someone who reminds the patient that they are willing to step in, then wait to for a specific request.
Of course we're not talking about people who do not acknowledge the diagnosis or flake out on requests for help.

I've been the patient and the helper for many years, I know what I'm talking about.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this person previously. It is disturbing to blast your grievances on social media. Also, the food trains and guilt trips crazy and out of control. I was asked to be on one for a family I knew was gluten free and had numerous allergies the "saint" arranging it was not aware of any of it and refused to at least mention it. My friend could not risk having ANY of the food. We got her food we knew was safe on our own, but she didn't feel right advocating for herself when the food train leader ignored what I said.

My mother received all sorts of kindness. I was there daily helping when dad was toward the end. She got food gifts from neighbors. The list goes on and she appreciated none of it, yet she complains that nobody will do anything for her when she has a minor surgery. It's because she can't be gracious and her "thank you" is said with an annoyed face.

It's best to just appreciate what people do and have grace and assume you aren't the only one facing things. Even when one of my kids had minor surgery I could not there for a friend until recover was over. There are still risks, doctor appointments, follow ups, pharmacy runs, making sure records arrived and I had nothing left to give. Once I saw my kid was healing well, then I could shift focus.Others may have decided I didn't have a good excuse, but too bad. I had a cousin die during a minor surgery due to a bad anesthesia reaction. I needed all my reserves for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Recently I’ve had a lot of sick, close friends. Not cancer. Just the normal stuff but lingering forever and really affecting their week.

I’ve been able to step up for a few fitness and bring delicious dinners.
One friend I couldn’t. Honestly.. my life carries on. My kids needs carry on. I’m not a superhero.

She specifically texted me and so I brought her some soup I had just made. Not a big dinner’s worth but enough for her. Some hot rolls and snacks for her kids.

I get the impression she was mad that it wasn’t a dinner. That’s what I was able to do. I don’t regret anything because I did what I could.

I suspect some people don’t help because they absolutely cannot fit it in. There have been times I’m going straight from soccer to birthday gift buying for a kid party, to sleep. To wake up early, to quick buy some milk, to Saturday events start. All morning out of the house. Come home and eat, take a quick nap, get kids to stop fighting. Etc etc. All weekend living my life. It’s those times I can’t help other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently I’ve had a lot of sick, close friends. Not cancer. Just the normal stuff but lingering forever and really affecting their week.

I’ve been able to step up for a few fitness and bring delicious dinners.
One friend I couldn’t. Honestly.. my life carries on. My kids needs carry on. I’m not a superhero.

She specifically texted me and so I brought her some soup I had just made. Not a big dinner’s worth but enough for her. Some hot rolls and snacks for her kids.

I get the impression she was mad that it wasn’t a dinner. That’s what I was able to do. I don’t regret anything because I did what I could.

I suspect some people don’t help because they absolutely cannot fit it in. There have been times I’m going straight from soccer to birthday gift buying for a kid party, to sleep. To wake up early, to quick buy some milk, to Saturday events start. All morning out of the house. Come home and eat, take a quick nap, get kids to stop fighting. Etc etc. All weekend living my life. It’s those times I can’t help other people.

Posting that you're sad people disappeared is honest and true. It's not calling out or shaming people, but it's normal to feel hurt that people whom you supposed were close actually flaked on you. It's so OK to express that. It's HONEST.

So - I take issue with folks who "can't fit it in." I'm sure cancer or another awful illness is hard to "fit in" too, but they didn't get a choice. Does stopping your kids from fighting and going to soccer really and truly interfere with your ability to help a friend? Or is it simply not a priority? While you're napping, your friend is hurting.