People who show their "true colors" during illness....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor is going through a major health crisis and is very active on a blog/GoFundMe. Her spouse is dying of a rare cancer. In her posts, she often talks about people who have ghosted/faded during the crisis -- people whom she has considered her friends who just have not stepped up. Meanwhile, other people have surprised her by really coming through.

What is it, in a person, that either causes them to step up to help -- and what is the thought process among people who do NOT help or show support when someone is dealing with a medical issue? What is the rationale/mindset on either end? I just cannot fathom being close to someone and ghosting if they have an illness. How on earth and why?

This was eye opening to me when I had my mastectomy a few years back, and then several related surgeries. The friends closest to me, who I considered family, were so profoundly disappointing that I’m still not over it. I can’t think of them the same. Not only did they not offer to help or do the usual things like bring a meal, but they did nothing in response to specific asks. I was shocked. Especially after helping them significantly during deaths of parents and other situations.

The people I least expected to be helpful were the ones that stepped up and seemed to genuinely care.

My medical issues were several years ago. But I haven’t been able to get passed it or think of them the same. And it was, and is still, deeply depressing to come to know that your people- your ride or die people- actually weren’t.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people just have their own stuff going on. People take things way too personally. I also had a double mastectomy. It was prophylactic. I expected nothing and I wasn’t disappointed. It was surgery, but no different than lots of surgeries my friends have had. I’m grateful to have a wonderful spouse and kids. It really sounds like some people almost see friendship as some sort of obligation. It’s too easy to find reasons to be irritated with people. Expect less and be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people just have their own stuff going on. People take things way too personally. I also had a double mastectomy. It was prophylactic. I expected nothing and I wasn’t disappointed. It was surgery, but no different than lots of surgeries my friends have had. I’m grateful to have a wonderful spouse and kids. It really sounds like some people almost see friendship as some sort of obligation. It’s too easy to find reasons to be irritated with people. Expect less and be happier.

Good for you? Mine was multiple months of recovery and multiple surgeries. I see friendships as a two way street and, for me, don’t have to be asked to step in and help (& I have on many occasions). If I have such low expectations to expect nothing then we aren’t friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people just have their own stuff going on. People take things way too personally. I also had a double mastectomy. It was prophylactic. I expected nothing and I wasn’t disappointed. It was surgery, but no different than lots of surgeries my friends have had. I’m grateful to have a wonderful spouse and kids. It really sounds like some people almost see friendship as some sort of obligation. It’s too easy to find reasons to be irritated with people. Expect less and be happier.

Good for you? Mine was multiple months of recovery and multiple surgeries. I see friendships as a two way street and, for me, don’t have to be asked to step in and help (& I have on many occasions). If I have such low expectations to expect nothing then we aren’t friends.

Same for me. It was much easier than I anticipated. I’m more comfortable helping than being helped, I guess. My low expectations allows me to appreciate my friends and not be disappointed by “keeping score”.

[Anonymous]

Don’t most people lean on their spouse and kids? We do. And if we need reinforcements, we ask our siblings for help.

It’s 2023. You can have meals and groceries delivered, if necessary. Most people don’t want friends popping in with a lasagna. I sure didn’t.

And I didn’t post anything on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t most people lean on their spouse and kids? We do. And if we need reinforcements, we ask our siblings for help.

It’s 2023. You can have meals and groceries delivered, if necessary. Most people don’t want friends popping in with a lasagna. I sure didn’t.

And I didn’t post anything on social media.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t most people lean on their spouse and kids? We do. And if we need reinforcements, we ask our siblings for help.

It’s 2023. You can have meals and groceries delivered, if necessary. Most people don’t want friends popping in with a lasagna. I sure didn’t.

And I didn’t post anything on social media.

+1

[Anonymous]

Just after college, I was in a car accident that damaged my arm. I had lost my job due to the injury and had to move out of my group house.

My two friends (one was also my housemate) saw me trying to move stuff with one arm and offered no help.

They went to the movies. I was pretty shocked.

Over time, I came to understand that housemate is highly self-centered. Other people like her so maybe she is less self-centered with them.

She is also the one who would try not to pay her share for group trips. The others adore her and make excuses or complain to me and then “forget.” I paid and let her BFF who fronted the money deal with the non payment.

Too much drama for me!

[Anonymous]

when my good friend had cancer, i didn't know what to do. i wanted to give her time with her family. i wanted to give her privacy. i wanted to give her space and peace. i truly believed she'd get through the cancer and we'd have the rest of our lives to be friends and our children would grow up together. alas, that did not happen and i will regret not doing anything for the rest of my life. but my intentions were true/real -- i didn't want to bother her with my life. i wanted her to focus on getting better. live and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when my good friend had cancer, i didn't know what to do. i wanted to give her time with her family. i wanted to give her privacy. i wanted to give her space and peace. i truly believed she'd get through the cancer and we'd have the rest of our lives to be friends and our children would grow up together. alas, that did not happen and i will regret not doing anything for the rest of my life. but my intentions were true/real -- i didn't want to bother her with my life. i wanted her to focus on getting better. live and learn.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You were trying to give her space. When my mom died, there were lots of people who brought meals and did sweet things for me. I was super gracious and very appreciative, but honestly I hated having to talk to people and “perform” during the worst time of my life. I wanted alone time. Everyone is different I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor is going through a major health crisis and is very active on a blog/GoFundMe. Her spouse is dying of a rare cancer. In her posts, she often talks about people who have ghosted/faded during the crisis -- people whom she has considered her friends who just have not stepped up. Meanwhile, other people have surprised her by really coming through.

What is it, in a person, that either causes them to step up to help -- and what is the thought process among people who do NOT help or show support when someone is dealing with a medical issue? What is the rationale/mindset on either end? I just cannot fathom being close to someone and ghosting if they have an illness. How on earth and why?

This was eye opening to me when I had my mastectomy a few years back, and then several related surgeries. The friends closest to me, who I considered family, were so profoundly disappointing that I’m still not over it. I can’t think of them the same. Not only did they not offer to help or do the usual things like bring a meal, but they did nothing in response to specific asks. I was shocked. Especially after helping them significantly during deaths of parents and other situations.

The people I least expected to be helpful were the ones that stepped up and seemed to genuinely care.

My medical issues were several years ago. But I haven’t been able to get passed it or think of them the same. And it was, and is still, deeply depressing to come to know that your people- your ride or die people- actually weren’t.

Are they still in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor is going through a major health crisis and is very active on a blog/GoFundMe. Her spouse is dying of a rare cancer. In her posts, she often talks about people who have ghosted/faded during the crisis -- people whom she has considered her friends who just have not stepped up. Meanwhile, other people have surprised her by really coming through.

What is it, in a person, that either causes them to step up to help -- and what is the thought process among people who do NOT help or show support when someone is dealing with a medical issue? What is the rationale/mindset on either end? I just cannot fathom being close to someone and ghosting if they have an illness. How on earth and why?

This was eye opening to me when I had my mastectomy a few years back, and then several related surgeries. The friends closest to me, who I considered family, were so profoundly disappointing that I’m still not over it. I can’t think of them the same. Not only did they not offer to help or do the usual things like bring a meal, but they did nothing in response to specific asks. I was shocked. Especially after helping them significantly during deaths of parents and other situations.

The people I least expected to be helpful were the ones that stepped up and seemed to genuinely care.

My medical issues were several years ago. But I haven’t been able to get passed it or think of them the same. And it was, and is still, deeply depressing to come to know that your people- your ride or die people- actually weren’t.

Why does this happen so often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t most people lean on their spouse and kids? We do. And if we need reinforcements, we ask our siblings for help.

It’s 2023. You can have meals and groceries delivered, if necessary. Most people don’t want friends popping in with a lasagna. I sure didn’t.

And I didn’t post anything on social media.

+1

+2

I find that people often view relationships as some sort of exchange. If you want to do something nice for someone, do it. It does not generate a requirement they reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t most people lean on their spouse and kids? We do. And if we need reinforcements, we ask our siblings for help.

It’s 2023. You can have meals and groceries delivered, if necessary. Most people don’t want friends popping in with a lasagna. I sure didn’t.

And I didn’t post anything on social media.

+1

I was the same. But I did appreciate my friends just reaching out by text, or leaving voicemail messages expressing love and support. I did not really want to see anyone or talk at length, but appreciated that connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t most people lean on their spouse and kids? We do. And if we need reinforcements, we ask our siblings for help.

It’s 2023. You can have meals and groceries delivered, if necessary. Most people don’t want friends popping in with a lasagna. I sure didn’t.

And I didn’t post anything on social media.

+1

I was the same. But I did appreciate my friends just reaching out by text, or leaving voicemail messages expressing love and support. I did not really want to see anyone or talk at length, but appreciated that connection.

^^everyone is different, though.