People who show their "true colors" during illness....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor is going through a major health crisis and is very active on a blog/GoFundMe. Her spouse is dying of a rare cancer. In her posts, she often talks about people who have ghosted/faded during the crisis -- people whom she has considered her friends who just have not stepped up. Meanwhile, other people have surprised her by really coming through.

What is it, in a person, that either causes them to step up to help -- and what is the thought process among people who do NOT help or show support when someone is dealing with a medical issue? What is the rationale/mindset on either end? I just cannot fathom being close to someone and ghosting if they have an illness. How on earth and why?

Why on earth would you post this here for her to see and shame her? What are you doing to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor is going through a major health crisis and is very active on a blog/GoFundMe. Her spouse is dying of a rare cancer. In her posts, she often talks about people who have ghosted/faded during the crisis -- people whom she has considered her friends who just have not stepped up. Meanwhile, other people have surprised her by really coming through.

What is it, in a person, that either causes them to step up to help -- and what is the thought process among people who do NOT help or show support when someone is dealing with a medical issue? What is the rationale/mindset on either end? I just cannot fathom being close to someone and ghosting if they have an illness. How on earth and why?

Why on earth would you post this here for her to see and shame her? What are you doing to help?

I'm the OP. This person isn't a DCUM user and lives nowhere near DC.

[Anonymous]

I used to work for a breast cancer organization. There are a few reasons people disappear. It doesn’t make it right.

- Blaming the victim. This has to do with fear of mortality. People are scared of death and so will create distance from it by blaming the victim. “She drank too much wine” or “she was overweight” or “she lived near a toxic area” etc. Anything they can do to explain why the person got ill helps them feel better and that they won’t. Believing that it is truly random is frightening and believing that the ill person caused their own illness keeps the person feeling safe.
- Lack of community and social support. People just don’t help each other out, they are individualistic and want someone else to do it. Unless they have been in a similar position themselves, many people are myopic and self-centered. It’s not just ill people but also happens to new moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cannot fathom being close to someone and ghosting if they have an illness. How on earth and why?

Because they weren't really close in the first place. Your FB friends are not all your actual friends. US culture doesn't really do much to support actual friendships; most of my closest friends who have come through in a pinch aren't even from here. This is the downside of bootstrap culture.

Getting sick reveals who your real friends are, kinda like having a kid when your friends aren't already parents too. Some people stick around, but most don't want to even acknowledge the massive shifts that come with major life events, like an illness or loss. Your friend is facing involuntary change, and there's all kinds of grief that goes along with it. That's too big for small "friendships" (acquaintanceships, really) to hold, and so people she thought were friends are letting her down. Let her have her grief about it, and don't join the list of not-friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently I’ve had a lot of sick, close friends. Not cancer. Just the normal stuff but lingering forever and really affecting their week.

I’ve been able to step up for a few fitness and bring delicious dinners.
One friend I couldn’t. Honestly.. my life carries on. My kids needs carry on. I’m not a superhero.

She specifically texted me and so I brought her some soup I had just made. Not a big dinner’s worth but enough for her. Some hot rolls and snacks for her kids.

I get the impression she was mad that it wasn’t a dinner. That’s what I was able to do. I don’t regret anything because I did what I could.

I suspect some people don’t help because they absolutely cannot fit it in. There have been times I’m going straight from soccer to birthday gift buying for a kid party, to sleep. To wake up early, to quick buy some milk, to Saturday events start. All morning out of the house. Come home and eat, take a quick nap, get kids to stop fighting. Etc etc. All weekend living my life. It’s those times I can’t help other people.

I’d stop at Giant and buy two large containers of chicken noodle soup, a rotisserie chicken, a bag of salad and some rolls, before I’d show up at someone’s, house with one serving of anything.

If I didn’t want someone to feel guilty that i’d spent a lot of money in prepared food I’d transfer to home or disaster containers. Absolutely no way I’d show up at the house of someone with kids with only enough food for the sick person and big enough for her kids.

You sound very immature, kind of mean, performative and very frazzled. You think you have it together but you really don’t.

Much better to be a kind hearted but frazzled person who brings store bought soup, a rotisserie chicken and some rolls than a bean and or chit counting jerk looking for a pat on the head.

[Anonymous]

people meet each other where they are. it's also paradoxically true that it can be harder on closer friends to provide ongoing support than it is for more distant friends, because more distant friends are not also spending their emotional resources on their own grief. and the help from more distant friends is more discrete.

a friends spouse committed suicide a month or so before their anniversary. a lot of local friends had rallied in the immediate few weeks, with a meal train and lots of visits-- but she realized that 1) she was not going to be able to get through the anniversary week alone, but 2) also that her local support network was also emotionally drained.

she posted about it, trying to cobble together folks for that week. i looked at flights, they were not too expensive, and applied for telework, and then told her i could be there for the week. this meant that i could be a steady presence all through the week, there would not be any times when she would be completely alone, AND her local folks could come and visit and distract her in smaller chunks.

was this literally lifesaving for her? yes. was it actually a huge lift for me? no. i'd met her spouse a few times, i was very sad for her, but i was not doing my own grieving for him. i was lucky that my job, on east coast time, could be done remotely and i'd only need to take a couple hours of leave a day. were we deeply close friends? also no.

i cannot send holiday cards or birthday cards or thank you cards to save my life. showing up to parties is agonizing. talking on the phone is actively painful. but --need someone to deal with a flat tire when AAA never showed? need someone to help deal with a sudden flood from your ceiling because a pipe burst? need someone to fly out and watch bad tv with you for a week? need someone to sit quietly with your dying spouse without exhausting them or making them feel like they have to "rally"? that i can do. you probably have several of these types of friends, but you haven't yet had to discover how those friends show up differently, because it frequently takes tragedy to illuminate the differences. and it can hurt a lot when one has to redefine closeness, or love, or friendship, when one is already hurting. but it doesn't mean the people who can't show up in the moment aren't friends. they may just not have the reserves for deep tragedy.

[Anonymous]

I went through a lot of health issues with my spouse and one of my kids and didn’t tell most people until it was over. My sister, who I am not close with at all and is no support, knew and was still curious I was not there for her for a minor outpatient surgery.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who is busy with kids’ birthday parties and sports and whatnot, I get it. I work full time and have 3 kids including 1 with SNs, so I don’t have a lot of free time.

This is why I send an Uber Eats gc (if I know they use the app) or have ordered Chick Fil A delivery (from my phone) for a friend’s family going through a hard time. I’ve also ordered a load of groceries to be delivered for a friend following a loss (I asked some items she needed and added in quick snack things for kids). It’s not as personalized as a home cooked meal, but as a busy mom I have learned to improvise. I also think check-in texts are nice so the person knows you’re thinking of them. Literally it can be as easy as “I’ve been thinking of you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died when I was a teenager. The loudest and most effusive of my friends disappeared. The quiet and more serious ones stepped up. It was a big lesson for me.

The people who get things done are the ones least likely to talk about it.

Indeed. And there are people who use another person's suffering or problems as a way to show off if they do help. They want attention more than they want to help.

[Anonymous]

I have a past friend complaining about people not checking in during their chronic illness.

This same friend didn’t check in on me either.

The bottom line is chronic illnesses do not get attention the same way an acute illness might. Few will check in on you over a series of years.

Break a leg? Ok, maybe people will bring you some food.

I had sickness on and off and don’t post about it. For one issue, I was told I might have cancer but kept that whole fear and worry to myself. I got the MRI by myself, etc. I see people online seeking support for possible cancer, etc. Not me.

[Anonymous]

I was hospitalized for a week with a serious medical condition and my father, who is incredibly narcissistic and self-involved, did not call and ask how I was. It was indeed eye-opening, and I now have all the informaiton I need about what I owe him in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was hospitalized for a week with a serious medical condition and my father, who is incredibly narcissistic and self-involved, did not call and ask how I was. It was indeed eye-opening, and I now have all the informaiton I need about what I owe him in the future.

Yes, I was there for my mother for her health issues and throughout dad's decline with cancer. Now with my own illness I don't expect her to help because I know she is limited and will make everything about her and her anxiety. What I did not expect was how entitled she felt and how full of rage she would be that I am not doing more for her. (She is healthy by the way, but has age related issues considered typical. And no, she doesn't have dementia.) She has always been a taker, but it takes a whole new level of self-absorption to add stress and upset to the life of a person trying to get health back.

[Anonymous]

I"d like to add it's not just any illness. Some people will be more than willing to rally around things like cancer (especially breast cancer). But will be hidden away when it comes to things such as an MS exacerbation or a mental health related hospitalization. There's so much support for cancer while other illnesses are just brushed off because "it's not cancer"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom died when I was a teenager. The loudest and most effusive of my friends disappeared. The quiet and more serious ones stepped up. It was a big lesson for me.

The people who get things done are the ones least likely to talk about it.

Indeed. And there are people who use another person's suffering or problems as a way to show off if they do help. They want attention more than they want to help.

Not in my experience. I know people who just know enough to step up and aren't self-absorbed. They don't want an award, but they're instinctively "givers." Some people are "takers."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that many people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. They aren’t sure what you (the patient) might feel up to or comfortable with, so you often end up excluded. I don’t think it’s malicious in any way—just discomfort, some of which is probably justified.

One of the loneliest things about serious illness is suddenly realizing how little you have in common any more with people who are healthy. They’re planning for things like vacations, college, retirement, home renovations, etc. while you’re worrying whether insurance will cover your next surgery, feeling guilty for buying clothes you may not be around to wear, and wondering if you’ll ever see your kids graduate or be healthy enough to travel again.

When I was going through cancer treatment, a part of me just wanted to be treated normally, and enjoy a few hours when I might be able to forget about being sick. But that can be difficult for everyone involved. If my cancer ever comes back, I probably would handle things differently and tell no one outside the immediate family for as long as possible. I’d also make more of an effort to seek out support groups to ensure a group of people I could talk with about subjects my old friends couldn’t relate to.

I agree with all of this, including not telling for as long as possible anyone outside of immediate family if my cancer returns.