S/o how to ensure I’m not a burden on my kids as I age

[Anonymous]

I am going through a tough time dealing with my aging mother with dementia and have posted on it here. I never ever want to put my two kids through what I am going through.

So how to ensure that happens? I told my teenagers don’t do what I am doing now dealing with your grandmother. I prefer to go to Switzerland or some other place and die if I get dementia. The problem is once I am at the point of being so needy maybe I won’t be able to make those choices.

So what are some good options? I am not sure I will retire with 12k a month for life so I can afford memory care. I read his the Swiss and German government’s are helping citizens and their families go to Thailand for memory care. I would prefer something like that so my kids don’t feel obligated to sacrifice by one of them being close by.

Any good plans or options?

[Anonymous]

I’m a caregiver for my mom with leukemia and I’d rather un alive via than ever put my child through this. I have no suggestions just commiserating.

[Anonymous]

I will watch this thread to see if anyone comes with any good advice.
I would’ve said long-term care insurance but apparently that’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

[Anonymous]

Its a tough discussion to have, but talk about your wishes should you become sick. Intubation? Fed through IV? Feeding tube? Artificial hydration? What about certain surgeries?

[Anonymous]

Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

right, that's why OP is asking what they can do to "ensure" they aren't a burden to their kids.

OP, the only thing I can think of is memory care. When you hit dementia, you won't even realize that this is what you have, and that life sucks because of it. It becomes your new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

right, that's why OP is asking what they can do to "ensure" they aren't a burden to their kids.

OP, the only thing I can think of is memory care. When you hit dementia, you won't even realize that this is what you have, and that life sucks because of it. It becomes your new normal.

Having thought long and hard about this after managing my dad's care for years and watching my SILs manage the care of their parents, these are things we should probably ALL be doing.

*Downsize and get rid of your excess sh** as soon as you can. Your kids will thank you and you won't be so bogged down by your stuff that inertia takes over and you postpone moving to a better place for you.

*Move closer to your kids so that they won't have to scramble to manage your care from long distance.

*Write down detailed information about all your assets, including bank account info and amounts; life insurance policies and any other type of policies; stocks and bonds; annuity plans and amounts; outstanding debts, etc.--write it all down and put it in one master document. Attach the most recent copy of your will. Update yearly. That is what my dad did for me and it made handling his estate a lot easier. It also helped me when I had to fill out paperwork for his move to an assisted living community. If you can't handle your own finances one day, your kids will need to know what you have so they can complete the lengthy financial paperwork required by assisted living, memory care, and continuum of care communities. If you don't want them to know what you have/owe, then appoint someone like a lawyer to handle these things. And while you're at it, put someone on at least one of your accounts so that they have money to pay your bills if you cannot do it for yourself.

*Complete all the necessary medical directives years before you think you need them so there's no second-guessing what you want if you're incapacitated. Give all your kids a copy and one to your primary physician if you have one.

*SAVE at ton of money, at least a million, so that you have enough to cover expenses if you ever need costly care.

*Start taking care of yourself NOW. Prioritize your health so that you can maybe avoid some of the common ailments of aging. Lose the weight, stop smoking, cut back on drinking, do some cardio like walking on most days, start strength training and eating more protein to build muscle (especially if you are a woman), incorporate balance exercises to prevent falls by the time you're 70. (I'm in my early 60s and I've started doing these things now not just to live better in the present but to decrease the chances of health problems down the road). Whatever I do will be better than what my parents did to prepare for old age, which was nothing. We know better so we have to do better.

*Either move to a home that is appropriate for older adults or start renovating your home now so that there is a full bath on the first floor. Move the washer/dryer to the first floor. Get these things in place before you need them.

*Explore elder care options in your current community or any future one you want to move to so that you scope out your options as you age that do not involve burdening your kids. For example, I know someone in DC who lived in a neighborhood (Palisades, I think) with a community organization that organized younger seniors (usually retired and in their 60s and 70s) to do simple chores, run errands, and drive older seniors to appointments so that they could also avail of these forms of assistance as they aged--a sort of organized paying-it-forward. I also know several people who live in cooperative-type neighborhoods where some of these forms of assistance are exchanged. I suspect new models of aging in place will develop in the future that will involve alternatives to depending entirely on our kids. These things are out there. You just have to do some research. Also explore continuum of care communities near you years before you think you need them so that you know what is available and you've done the legwork yourself instead of relying on your kids to do it. There's a whole range of them and they're not all bad. I visited one woman in a really posh one in Bethesda that had a very high buy-in but, if you could afford it, had beautiful apartments and attractive amenities in the independent living side. They are not nursing homes. Increasingly, these communities are appearing in walkable or urban areas, such as this new one being built right on Maple Avenue in downtown Vienna, VA (https://www.sunriseseniorliving.com/communities/va/sunrise-of-vienna). It clearly is catering to people like me who want to be in a walkable community with people of all ages rather than being on an isolated campus with just other older adults.


*Additional "action steps" in response to conversations on this forum:

*For those that say they want to off themselves if/when things get too bad in old age, you may want to research and move to states that allow physician-assisted suicide. Interestingly, DC is one of them, but the states that a lot of seniors move to (Florida, Arizona, the South) do not offer physician-assisted suicide. Maybe advocate for that issue in your own state if it isn't offered.

*For those that complain about having to care for parents they don't like or love, as you age maybe start working on your relationship with your kids if you suspect that your kids will want nothing to do with you later in life. Go to counseling with them now if there's an issue. Work on your relationships with all your kids. Whether you end up being a burden to them or not, there's clearly a lot of adults who harbor anger and resentment towards parents and siblings and that will be amplified exponentially in an elder care situation.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

This is just off the top of my head. I'm looking forward to other peoples' suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

right, that's why OP is asking what they can do to "ensure" they aren't a burden to their kids.

OP, the only thing I can think of is memory care. When you hit dementia, you won't even realize that this is what you have, and that life sucks because of it. It becomes your new normal.

Having thought long and hard about this after managing my dad's care for years and watching my SILs manage the care of their parents, these are things we should probably ALL be doing.

*Downsize and get rid of your excess sh** as soon as you can. Your kids will thank you and you won't be so bogged down by your stuff that inertia takes over and you postpone moving to a better place for you.

*Move closer to your kids so that they won't have to scramble to manage your care from long distance.

*Write down detailed information about all your assets, including bank account info and amounts; life insurance policies and any other type of policies; stocks and bonds; annuity plans and amounts; outstanding debts, etc.--write it all down and put it in one master document. Attach the most recent copy of your will. Update yearly. That is what my dad did for me and it made handling his estate a lot easier. It also helped me when I had to fill out paperwork for his move to an assisted living community. If you can't handle your own finances one day, your kids will need to know what you have so they can complete the lengthy financial paperwork required by assisted living, memory care, and continuum of care communities. If you don't want them to know what you have/owe, then appoint someone like a lawyer to handle these things. And while you're at it, put someone on at least one of your accounts so that they have money to pay your bills if you cannot do it for yourself.

*Complete all the necessary medical directives years before you think you need them so there's no second-guessing what you want if you're incapacitated. Give all your kids a copy and one to your primary physician if you have one.

*SAVE at ton of money, at least a million, so that you have enough to cover expenses if you ever need costly care.

*Start taking care of yourself NOW. Prioritize your health so that you can maybe avoid some of the common ailments of aging. Lose the weight, stop smoking, cut back on drinking, do some cardio like walking on most days, start strength training and eating more protein to build muscle (especially if you are a woman), incorporate balance exercises to prevent falls by the time you're 70. (I'm in my early 60s and I've started doing these things now not just to live better in the present but to decrease the chances of health problems down the road). Whatever I do will be better than what my parents did to prepare for old age, which was nothing. We know better so we have to do better.

*Either move to a home that is appropriate for older adults or start renovating your home now so that there is a full bath on the first floor. Move the washer/dryer to the first floor. Get these things in place before you need them.

*Explore elder care options in your current community or any future one you want to move to so that you scope out your options as you age that do not involve burdening your kids. For example, I know someone in DC who lived in a neighborhood (Palisades, I think) with a community organization that organized younger seniors (usually retired and in their 60s and 70s) to do simple chores, run errands, and drive older seniors to appointments so that they could also avail of these forms of assistance as they aged--a sort of organized paying-it-forward. I also know several people who live in cooperative-type neighborhoods where some of these forms of assistance are exchanged. I suspect new models of aging in place will develop in the future that will involve alternatives to depending entirely on our kids. These things are out there. You just have to do some research. Also explore continuum of care communities near you years before you think you need them so that you know what is available and you've done the legwork yourself instead of relying on your kids to do it. There's a whole range of them and they're not all bad. I visited one woman in a really posh one in Bethesda that had a very high buy-in but, if you could afford it, had beautiful apartments and attractive amenities in the independent living side. They are not nursing homes. Increasingly, these communities are appearing in walkable or urban areas, such as this new one being built right on Maple Avenue in downtown Vienna, VA (https://www.sunriseseniorliving.com/communities/va/sunrise-of-vienna). It clearly is catering to people like me who want to be in a walkable community with people of all ages rather than being on an isolated campus with just other older adults.


*Additional "action steps" in response to conversations on this forum:

*For those that say they want to off themselves if/when things get too bad in old age, you may want to research and move to states that allow physician-assisted suicide. Interestingly, DC is one of them, but the states that a lot of seniors move to (Florida, Arizona, the South) do not offer physician-assisted suicide. Maybe advocate for that issue in your own state if it isn't offered.

*For those that complain about having to care for parents they don't like or love, as you age maybe start working on your relationship with your kids if you suspect that your kids will want nothing to do with you later in life. Go to counseling with them now if there's an issue. Work on your relationships with all your kids. Whether you end up being a burden to them or not, there's clearly a lot of adults who harbor anger and resentment towards parents and siblings and that will be amplified exponentially in an elder care situation.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

This is just off the top of my head. I'm looking forward to other peoples' suggestions.

This is amazing! Thank you for sharing!

[Anonymous]

This lady found one way to avoid it:

https://amp.theguardian.com/books/2023/aug/20/mother-planned-own-death-natasha-walter-before-the-light-fades-suicide

[Anonymous]

NP, I have also told my kids that I do not expect them to spend all their time with me should I go to nursing care. (My uncle visited his mother every single day) They have their own lives to live, and I want them living it. No guilt. If I’m in a facility where I’m being cared for then they should feel comfortable living their lives knowing I’m fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

right, that's why OP is asking what they can do to "ensure" they aren't a burden to their kids.

OP, the only thing I can think of is memory care. When you hit dementia, you won't even realize that this is what you have, and that life sucks because of it. It becomes your new normal.

Having thought long and hard about this after managing my dad's care for years and watching my SILs manage the care of their parents, these are things we should probably ALL be doing.

*Downsize and get rid of your excess sh** as soon as you can. Your kids will thank you and you won't be so bogged down by your stuff that inertia takes over and you postpone moving to a better place for you.

*Move closer to your kids so that they won't have to scramble to manage your care from long distance.

*Write down detailed information about all your assets, including bank account info and amounts; life insurance policies and any other type of policies; stocks and bonds; annuity plans and amounts; outstanding debts, etc.--write it all down and put it in one master document. Attach the most recent copy of your will. Update yearly. That is what my dad did for me and it made handling his estate a lot easier. It also helped me when I had to fill out paperwork for his move to an assisted living community. If you can't handle your own finances one day, your kids will need to know what you have so they can complete the lengthy financial paperwork required by assisted living, memory care, and continuum of care communities. If you don't want them to know what you have/owe, then appoint someone like a lawyer to handle these things. And while you're at it, put someone on at least one of your accounts so that they have money to pay your bills if you cannot do it for yourself.

*Complete all the necessary medical directives years before you think you need them so there's no second-guessing what you want if you're incapacitated. Give all your kids a copy and one to your primary physician if you have one.

*SAVE at ton of money, at least a million, so that you have enough to cover expenses if you ever need costly care.

*Start taking care of yourself NOW. Prioritize your health so that you can maybe avoid some of the common ailments of aging. Lose the weight, stop smoking, cut back on drinking, do some cardio like walking on most days, start strength training and eating more protein to build muscle (especially if you are a woman), incorporate balance exercises to prevent falls by the time you're 70. (I'm in my early 60s and I've started doing these things now not just to live better in the present but to decrease the chances of health problems down the road). Whatever I do will be better than what my parents did to prepare for old age, which was nothing. We know better so we have to do better.

*Either move to a home that is appropriate for older adults or start renovating your home now so that there is a full bath on the first floor. Move the washer/dryer to the first floor. Get these things in place before you need them.

*Explore elder care options in your current community or any future one you want to move to so that you scope out your options as you age that do not involve burdening your kids. For example, I know someone in DC who lived in a neighborhood (Palisades, I think) with a community organization that organized younger seniors (usually retired and in their 60s and 70s) to do simple chores, run errands, and drive older seniors to appointments so that they could also avail of these forms of assistance as they aged--a sort of organized paying-it-forward. I also know several people who live in cooperative-type neighborhoods where some of these forms of assistance are exchanged. I suspect new models of aging in place will develop in the future that will involve alternatives to depending entirely on our kids. These things are out there. You just have to do some research. Also explore continuum of care communities near you years before you think you need them so that you know what is available and you've done the legwork yourself instead of relying on your kids to do it. There's a whole range of them and they're not all bad. I visited one woman in a really posh one in Bethesda that had a very high buy-in but, if you could afford it, had beautiful apartments and attractive amenities in the independent living side. They are not nursing homes. Increasingly, these communities are appearing in walkable or urban areas, such as this new one being built right on Maple Avenue in downtown Vienna, VA (https://www.sunriseseniorliving.com/communities/va/sunrise-of-vienna). It clearly is catering to people like me who want to be in a walkable community with people of all ages rather than being on an isolated campus with just other older adults.


*Additional "action steps" in response to conversations on this forum:

*For those that say they want to off themselves if/when things get too bad in old age, you may want to research and move to states that allow physician-assisted suicide. Interestingly, DC is one of them, but the states that a lot of seniors move to (Florida, Arizona, the South) do not offer physician-assisted suicide. Maybe advocate for that issue in your own state if it isn't offered.

*For those that complain about having to care for parents they don't like or love, as you age maybe start working on your relationship with your kids if you suspect that your kids will want nothing to do with you later in life. Go to counseling with them now if there's an issue. Work on your relationships with all your kids. Whether you end up being a burden to them or not, there's clearly a lot of adults who harbor anger and resentment towards parents and siblings and that will be amplified exponentially in an elder care situation.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

This is just off the top of my head. I'm looking forward to other peoples' suggestions.

Thank you for sharing such useful advice. God bless you.

[Anonymous]

1. Go to lawyer and get your legal papers in order - will, trust, advanced health directive. consolidate your assets. l
2. Declutter your house and do a Swedish death cleanse. Simplify and be minimalistic.
3. Make your current house elder-friendly if you intend to age in place.
4. Be healthy by - sleeping 8 hours, managing stress, interacting with others, exercise, learning new skills, diet.

[Anonymous]

Amazing post above from the PP who managed her father’s care - THANK YOU!
Really appreciate you taking your time to share it with anonymous DCUM strangers.

[Anonymous]

The most helpful thing my mom has done is being transparent with her assets. We have a spreadsheet, I have account numbers, usernames and passwords. I know where everything is and who to contact if needed.

And I agree that I refuse to burden my children with constant need for attention when I’m older. I’ve been doing the obligatory twice a week visits with my mom for almost a year. It’s a lot. And it’s constant guilt tripping that I’m not there enough.

One thing I would have done differently- not required two independent doctors to certify she is unable to handle her affairs. She trusts me and it was a little hassle to get have to reach out to two doctors for the letters I needed for a POA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most helpful thing my mom has done is being transparent with her assets. We have a spreadsheet, I have account numbers, usernames and passwords. I know where everything is and who to contact if needed.

And I agree that I refuse to burden my children with constant need for attention when I’m older. I’ve been doing the obligatory twice a week visits with my mom for almost a year. It’s a lot. And it’s constant guilt tripping that I’m not there enough.

One thing I would have done differently- not required two independent doctors to certify she is unable to handle her affairs. She trusts me and it was a little hassle to get have to reach out to two doctors for the letters I needed for a POA.

PP, I was curious about your second point: feeling guilt-tripped into spending time with your mom. I hear this sentiment in one form or another frequently on this forum. Is it that you don't have a good relationship with your mom or that she complains that you don't see her enough or what? What would be the ideal frequency to visit with her in your mind? I admit that I too sometimes felt that spending time with my aging parents was a chore, but I also wonder how this could be reframed in our minds or handled differently as we age ourselves. The reality is that people in their 80s are probably not going to have too many friends or social contacts left (many have died or can't manage visits) and we--the offspring--literally may be the only people they see all week. We may find ourselves in this situation as well one day (God help us). I also realize that people are living way too long these days, so these tensions can last for decades. I don't know what the answer is to this, but I am open to hearing from others how to deal with it.