S/o how to ensure I’m not a burden on my kids as I age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

right, that's why OP is asking what they can do to "ensure" they aren't a burden to their kids.

OP, the only thing I can think of is memory care. When you hit dementia, you won't even realize that this is what you have, and that life sucks because of it. It becomes your new normal.

Having thought long and hard about this after managing my dad's care for years and watching my SILs manage the care of their parents, these are things we should probably ALL be doing.

*Downsize and get rid of your excess sh** as soon as you can. Your kids will thank you and you won't be so bogged down by your stuff that inertia takes over and you postpone moving to a better place for you.

*Move closer to your kids so that they won't have to scramble to manage your care from long distance.

*Write down detailed information about all your assets, including bank account info and amounts; life insurance policies and any other type of policies; stocks and bonds; annuity plans and amounts; outstanding debts, etc.--write it all down and put it in one master document. Attach the most recent copy of your will. Update yearly. That is what my dad did for me and it made handling his estate a lot easier. It also helped me when I had to fill out paperwork for his move to an assisted living community. If you can't handle your own finances one day, your kids will need to know what you have so they can complete the lengthy financial paperwork required by assisted living, memory care, and continuum of care communities. If you don't want them to know what you have/owe, then appoint someone like a lawyer to handle these things. And while you're at it, put someone on at least one of your accounts so that they have money to pay your bills if you cannot do it for yourself.

*Complete all the necessary medical directives years before you think you need them so there's no second-guessing what you want if you're incapacitated. Give all your kids a copy and one to your primary physician if you have one.

*SAVE at ton of money, at least a million, so that you have enough to cover expenses if you ever need costly care.

*Start taking care of yourself NOW. Prioritize your health so that you can maybe avoid some of the common ailments of aging. Lose the weight, stop smoking, cut back on drinking, do some cardio like walking on most days, start strength training and eating more protein to build muscle (especially if you are a woman), incorporate balance exercises to prevent falls by the time you're 70. (I'm in my early 60s and I've started doing these things now not just to live better in the present but to decrease the chances of health problems down the road). Whatever I do will be better than what my parents did to prepare for old age, which was nothing. We know better so we have to do better.

*Either move to a home that is appropriate for older adults or start renovating your home now so that there is a full bath on the first floor. Move the washer/dryer to the first floor. Get these things in place before you need them.

*Explore elder care options in your current community or any future one you want to move to so that you scope out your options as you age that do not involve burdening your kids. For example, I know someone in DC who lived in a neighborhood (Palisades, I think) with a community organization that organized younger seniors (usually retired and in their 60s and 70s) to do simple chores, run errands, and drive older seniors to appointments so that they could also avail of these forms of assistance as they aged--a sort of organized paying-it-forward. I also know several people who live in cooperative-type neighborhoods where some of these forms of assistance are exchanged. I suspect new models of aging in place will develop in the future that will involve alternatives to depending entirely on our kids. These things are out there. You just have to do some research. Also explore continuum of care communities near you years before you think you need them so that you know what is available and you've done the legwork yourself instead of relying on your kids to do it. There's a whole range of them and they're not all bad. I visited one woman in a really posh one in Bethesda that had a very high buy-in but, if you could afford it, had beautiful apartments and attractive amenities in the independent living side. They are not nursing homes. Increasingly, these communities are appearing in walkable or urban areas, such as this new one being built right on Maple Avenue in downtown Vienna, VA (https://www.sunriseseniorliving.com/communities/va/sunrise-of-vienna). It clearly is catering to people like me who want to be in a walkable community with people of all ages rather than being on an isolated campus with just other older adults.


*Additional "action steps" in response to conversations on this forum:

*For those that say they want to off themselves if/when things get too bad in old age, you may want to research and move to states that allow physician-assisted suicide. Interestingly, DC is one of them, but the states that a lot of seniors move to (Florida, Arizona, the South) do not offer physician-assisted suicide. Maybe advocate for that issue in your own state if it isn't offered.

*For those that complain about having to care for parents they don't like or love, as you age maybe start working on your relationship with your kids if you suspect that your kids will want nothing to do with you later in life. Go to counseling with them now if there's an issue. Work on your relationships with all your kids. Whether you end up being a burden to them or not, there's clearly a lot of adults who harbor anger and resentment towards parents and siblings and that will be amplified exponentially in an elder care situation.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

This is just off the top of my head. I'm looking forward to other peoples' suggestions.

Thank you for sharing such useful advice. God bless you.

This is a good list.

The main theme is make changes well before you think they are necessary. What my parents did and what a lot of old people want to do is stay in place and do what they're doing until they can't do it anymore. By the time you can't do it anymore, it's far too late and becomes your children's problem.

[Anonymous]

I am first gen Indian immigrant so I have not had to deal with aging parents on day to day basis. My aging ILs are in India and I fly back frequently to visit them and do a lot of remote care -CCTV, attendants, domestic help - which is a financial possibility in India.

In my mind, the culture of multi-generational families removes the challenges of eldercare and childcare if the family is functional and collaborative. In Indian culture, at least we do have a blueprint for this type of living.

In US, I observe with interest how others in my community are navigating old age. Example 1 - One widowed friend sold her house and pooled the money with her 2 married ACs to help both children buy large homes in good school districts in different cities. She is the co-owner and has her own independent unit in these homes and shares the common area. Her kids would not have been able to afford these houses at such an young age without her help. She lives in both places and has her friends circle and medical care in both places. More importantly, she has freed herself of home maintainence tasks, personal security concerns or having someone to take care of her if she is unwell because the infrastructure is in place in both houses. At the same time, she had control of her property, and her independence.

Example 2 - Another older couple, had their eldest son and DIL continue to live in to their home after marriage and continued supporting them. Once the younger couple were financially solvent, the older couple sold their home and all became co-owners of a large home in a good school district in DMV. At one point four generations were living in the same house. Later on, the older couple, sold their ownership to their son and DIL and started paying rent to them. They used the money to finance their youngest son's house. Through long illness and death of the older man, the family has shared the care and the life of the remaining partner has not been upended.

In the case of both examples, several things were common -
- the parents were fairly young. First example, the lady as in her early 50s. The second example - the family were always in a multi-gen living and the older couple were also in their 50s.
- the parents were not broke. They all had the money to live independently if needed. They had also paid for their kids college, weddings etc so there is a natural gratefulness and respect for parents making these sacrifices for their children.
- the parents retained control of their money and property.
- the parents helped the children buy homes that they could not have bought by themselves. They also pitched in money to outsource chores (cleaners, landscapers, part time cook) that made it comfortable for the entire family and did not cause resentment
- the grandparents helped in raising the grandkids and it fostered bonds in the family
- the grandparents though very attached with their families, also had a thriving social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

right, that's why OP is asking what they can do to "ensure" they aren't a burden to their kids.

OP, the only thing I can think of is memory care. When you hit dementia, you won't even realize that this is what you have, and that life sucks because of it. It becomes your new normal.

Having thought long and hard about this after managing my dad's care for years and watching my SILs manage the care of their parents, these are things we should probably ALL be doing.

*Downsize and get rid of your excess sh** as soon as you can. Your kids will thank you and you won't be so bogged down by your stuff that inertia takes over and you postpone moving to a better place for you.

*Move closer to your kids so that they won't have to scramble to manage your care from long distance.

*Write down detailed information about all your assets, including bank account info and amounts; life insurance policies and any other type of policies; stocks and bonds; annuity plans and amounts; outstanding debts, etc.--write it all down and put it in one master document. Attach the most recent copy of your will. Update yearly. That is what my dad did for me and it made handling his estate a lot easier. It also helped me when I had to fill out paperwork for his move to an assisted living community. If you can't handle your own finances one day, your kids will need to know what you have so they can complete the lengthy financial paperwork required by assisted living, memory care, and continuum of care communities. If you don't want them to know what you have/owe, then appoint someone like a lawyer to handle these things. And while you're at it, put someone on at least one of your accounts so that they have money to pay your bills if you cannot do it for yourself.

*Complete all the necessary medical directives years before you think you need them so there's no second-guessing what you want if you're incapacitated. Give all your kids a copy and one to your primary physician if you have one.

*SAVE at ton of money, at least a million, so that you have enough to cover expenses if you ever need costly care.

*Start taking care of yourself NOW. Prioritize your health so that you can maybe avoid some of the common ailments of aging. Lose the weight, stop smoking, cut back on drinking, do some cardio like walking on most days, start strength training and eating more protein to build muscle (especially if you are a woman), incorporate balance exercises to prevent falls by the time you're 70. (I'm in my early 60s and I've started doing these things now not just to live better in the present but to decrease the chances of health problems down the road). Whatever I do will be better than what my parents did to prepare for old age, which was nothing. We know better so we have to do better.

*Either move to a home that is appropriate for older adults or start renovating your home now so that there is a full bath on the first floor. Move the washer/dryer to the first floor. Get these things in place before you need them.

*Explore elder care options in your current community or any future one you want to move to so that you scope out your options as you age that do not involve burdening your kids. For example, I know someone in DC who lived in a neighborhood (Palisades, I think) with a community organization that organized younger seniors (usually retired and in their 60s and 70s) to do simple chores, run errands, and drive older seniors to appointments so that they could also avail of these forms of assistance as they aged--a sort of organized paying-it-forward. I also know several people who live in cooperative-type neighborhoods where some of these forms of assistance are exchanged. I suspect new models of aging in place will develop in the future that will involve alternatives to depending entirely on our kids. These things are out there. You just have to do some research. Also explore continuum of care communities near you years before you think you need them so that you know what is available and you've done the legwork yourself instead of relying on your kids to do it. There's a whole range of them and they're not all bad. I visited one woman in a really posh one in Bethesda that had a very high buy-in but, if you could afford it, had beautiful apartments and attractive amenities in the independent living side. They are not nursing homes. Increasingly, these communities are appearing in walkable or urban areas, such as this new one being built right on Maple Avenue in downtown Vienna, VA (https://www.sunriseseniorliving.com/communities/va/sunrise-of-vienna). It clearly is catering to people like me who want to be in a walkable community with people of all ages rather than being on an isolated campus with just other older adults.


*Additional "action steps" in response to conversations on this forum:

*For those that say they want to off themselves if/when things get too bad in old age, you may want to research and move to states that allow physician-assisted suicide. Interestingly, DC is one of them, but the states that a lot of seniors move to (Florida, Arizona, the South) do not offer physician-assisted suicide. Maybe advocate for that issue in your own state if it isn't offered.

*For those that complain about having to care for parents they don't like or love, as you age maybe start working on your relationship with your kids if you suspect that your kids will want nothing to do with you later in life. Go to counseling with them now if there's an issue. Work on your relationships with all your kids. Whether you end up being a burden to them or not, there's clearly a lot of adults who harbor anger and resentment towards parents and siblings and that will be amplified exponentially in an elder care situation.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

This is just off the top of my head. I'm looking forward to other peoples' suggestions.

Thank you for sharing such useful advice. God bless you.

This is a good list.

The main theme is make changes well before you think they are necessary. What my parents did and what a lot of old people want to do is stay in place and do what they're doing until they can't do it anymore. By the time you can't do it anymore, it's far too late and becomes your children's problem.

Yes, a wonderful and useful list. Thank you to the PP for laying out some useful guidelines.

[Anonymous]

I've done all those on the list, PP, and I totally agree. My kids will have it easy. Really getting back into shape after spending the last couple of years on taking care of my parent's estate and them. Jeez, it was rough. They were great on the money side, but the enormous house full of stuff no one wants and the tenacity of them remaining there until it was way past time to go to AL. OMG, I think I aged 5-10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most helpful thing my mom has done is being transparent with her assets. We have a spreadsheet, I have account numbers, usernames and passwords. I know where everything is and who to contact if needed.

And I agree that I refuse to burden my children with constant need for attention when I’m older. I’ve been doing the obligatory twice a week visits with my mom for almost a year. It’s a lot. And it’s constant guilt tripping that I’m not there enough.

One thing I would have done differently- not required two independent doctors to certify she is unable to handle her affairs. She trusts me and it was a little hassle to get have to reach out to two doctors for the letters I needed for a POA.

PP, I was curious about your second point: feeling guilt-tripped into spending time with your mom. I hear this sentiment in one form or another frequently on this forum. Is it that you don't have a good relationship with your mom or that she complains that you don't see her enough or what? What would be the ideal frequency to visit with her in your mind? I admit that I too sometimes felt that spending time with my aging parents was a chore, but I also wonder how this could be reframed in our minds or handled differently as we age ourselves. The reality is that people in their 80s are probably not going to have too many friends or social contacts left (many have died or can't manage visits) and we--the offspring--literally may be the only people they see all week. We may find ourselves in this situation as well one day (God help us). I also realize that people are living way too long these days, so these tensions can last for decades. I don't know what the answer is to this, but I am open to hearing from others how to deal with it.

I’m the PP about having to see my mom twice a week. We are very close and I love her very much. She is in assisted living and part of a sub-group there that’s sort of transitionary for people suffering from cognitive impairment. There’s about ten of them and they have separate activities during the week when their counselor is there. So she’s really busy during the week and she has made friends there. I also know that logically that she’s not going to be around forever and I’m going to be devastated when she’s gone. I see her twice a week, every week. Once in an evening after work and one day when I’m off work. If it was up to her I’d come a third time, at a minimum. She’s extremely codependent. Personally I think once a week would be ideal.

My issue is that I’m a total sandwich generation- I have a full time job, a husband, kids, a house to maintain and the remnants of a social life (which has really taken a hit the last year or two). I never have any time for me. All of my time is devoted to others. It takes me months to schedule a haircut or a dental cleaning or a mammogram or anything that isn’t a necessity because there is only so much time in a day. I’ve lost touch with most of my friends because they eventually stop inviting me to things when the answer is always no. I accept the sacrifice I make for kids because that was a choice I made. And I logically recognize that my mom took care of me when I was young so it’s a payback for her. But at what cost?

My mom unloads on me every time I see her with whatever the complaints of the week are. It’s just a totally unhealthy dynamic and one I can’t seem to fix. I may get to her place and she’ll be smiling and happy and enjoying her time and within an hour of my arrival she’s miserable and complaining about this or that or this person or that ailment and it’s a lot. Every visit I leave with a list of things she needs or a list of calls to make to set up appointments for her, and every time I come I bring whatever it is that she indicated she needed from the last visit that I’ve since procured for her. I leave the visits completely drained. Every time, twice a week, it’s absolutely exhausting.

I wish I knew the answer. It’s truly a lose-lose situation.

[Anonymous]

Assisted suicide for debilitating, terminal illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assisted suicide for debilitating, terminal illness.

It's only available in 10 states and the District of Columbia.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reality check for all of us: by the time we develop dementia or the like or figure out we’re a burden, it’ll be too late to do anything about it.

right, that's why OP is asking what they can do to "ensure" they aren't a burden to their kids.

OP, the only thing I can think of is memory care. When you hit dementia, you won't even realize that this is what you have, and that life sucks because of it. It becomes your new normal.

Having thought long and hard about this after managing my dad's care for years and watching my SILs manage the care of their parents, these are things we should probably ALL be doing.

*Downsize and get rid of your excess sh** as soon as you can. Your kids will thank you and you won't be so bogged down by your stuff that inertia takes over and you postpone moving to a better place for you.

*Move closer to your kids so that they won't have to scramble to manage your care from long distance.

*Write down detailed information about all your assets, including bank account info and amounts; life insurance policies and any other type of policies; stocks and bonds; annuity plans and amounts; outstanding debts, etc.--write it all down and put it in one master document. Attach the most recent copy of your will. Update yearly. That is what my dad did for me and it made handling his estate a lot easier. It also helped me when I had to fill out paperwork for his move to an assisted living community. If you can't handle your own finances one day, your kids will need to know what you have so they can complete the lengthy financial paperwork required by assisted living, memory care, and continuum of care communities. If you don't want them to know what you have/owe, then appoint someone like a lawyer to handle these things. And while you're at it, put someone on at least one of your accounts so that they have money to pay your bills if you cannot do it for yourself.

*Complete all the necessary medical directives years before you think you need them so there's no second-guessing what you want if you're incapacitated. Give all your kids a copy and one to your primary physician if you have one.

*SAVE at ton of money, at least a million, so that you have enough to cover expenses if you ever need costly care.

*Start taking care of yourself NOW. Prioritize your health so that you can maybe avoid some of the common ailments of aging. Lose the weight, stop smoking, cut back on drinking, do some cardio like walking on most days, start strength training and eating more protein to build muscle (especially if you are a woman), incorporate balance exercises to prevent falls by the time you're 70. (I'm in my early 60s and I've started doing these things now not just to live better in the present but to decrease the chances of health problems down the road). Whatever I do will be better than what my parents did to prepare for old age, which was nothing. We know better so we have to do better.

*Either move to a home that is appropriate for older adults or start renovating your home now so that there is a full bath on the first floor. Move the washer/dryer to the first floor. Get these things in place before you need them.

*Explore elder care options in your current community or any future one you want to move to so that you scope out your options as you age that do not involve burdening your kids. For example, I know someone in DC who lived in a neighborhood (Palisades, I think) with a community organization that organized younger seniors (usually retired and in their 60s and 70s) to do simple chores, run errands, and drive older seniors to appointments so that they could also avail of these forms of assistance as they aged--a sort of organized paying-it-forward. I also know several people who live in cooperative-type neighborhoods where some of these forms of assistance are exchanged. I suspect new models of aging in place will develop in the future that will involve alternatives to depending entirely on our kids. These things are out there. You just have to do some research. Also explore continuum of care communities near you years before you think you need them so that you know what is available and you've done the legwork yourself instead of relying on your kids to do it. There's a whole range of them and they're not all bad. I visited one woman in a really posh one in Bethesda that had a very high buy-in but, if you could afford it, had beautiful apartments and attractive amenities in the independent living side. They are not nursing homes. Increasingly, these communities are appearing in walkable or urban areas, such as this new one being built right on Maple Avenue in downtown Vienna, VA (https://www.sunriseseniorliving.com/communities/va/sunrise-of-vienna). It clearly is catering to people like me who want to be in a walkable community with people of all ages rather than being on an isolated campus with just other older adults.


*Additional "action steps" in response to conversations on this forum:

*For those that say they want to off themselves if/when things get too bad in old age, you may want to research and move to states that allow physician-assisted suicide. Interestingly, DC is one of them, but the states that a lot of seniors move to (Florida, Arizona, the South) do not offer physician-assisted suicide. Maybe advocate for that issue in your own state if it isn't offered.

*For those that complain about having to care for parents they don't like or love, as you age maybe start working on your relationship with your kids if you suspect that your kids will want nothing to do with you later in life. Go to counseling with them now if there's an issue. Work on your relationships with all your kids. Whether you end up being a burden to them or not, there's clearly a lot of adults who harbor anger and resentment towards parents and siblings and that will be amplified exponentially in an elder care situation.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

This is just off the top of my head. I'm looking forward to other peoples' suggestions.

Thank you for sharing such useful advice. God bless you.

This is a good list.

The main theme is make changes well before you think they are necessary. What my parents did and what a lot of old people want to do is stay in place and do what they're doing until they can't do it anymore. By the time you can't do it anymore, it's far too late and becomes your children's problem.

Totally agree with all this. Just got a parent moved to a retirement place, probably a couple of years too late.

Consolidated all assets with a financial advisor, which is a huge help. I also have Power of Attorney so can make decisions when needed.

Emptied and sold the house. Parent couldn’t help much with that which was a bear. Definitely downsize before you have to stick your kids with it. So much crap to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted suicide for debilitating, terminal illness.

It's only available in 10 states and the District of Columbia.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

Switzerland. Don’t need to go through the hoopla. Infinitely preferable to draining all assets and ruining children’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted suicide for debilitating, terminal illness.

It's only available in 10 states and the District of Columbia.
https://www.cnn.com/2014/11/26/us/physician-assisted-suicide-fast-facts/index.html

I wonder if the availability of assisted suicide will change in the coming years. I'd like to think I would be strong enough to take that decision, even before it became medically necessary, if I knew what was coming for me. With a dementia diagnosis, you'd have to be ready to go "early."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most helpful thing my mom has done is being transparent with her assets. We have a spreadsheet, I have account numbers, usernames and passwords. I know where everything is and who to contact if needed.

And I agree that I refuse to burden my children with constant need for attention when I’m older. I’ve been doing the obligatory twice a week visits with my mom for almost a year. It’s a lot. And it’s constant guilt tripping that I’m not there enough.

One thing I would have done differently- not required two independent doctors to certify she is unable to handle her affairs. She trusts me and it was a little hassle to get have to reach out to two doctors for the letters I needed for a POA.

PP, I was curious about your second point: feeling guilt-tripped into spending time with your mom. I hear this sentiment in one form or another frequently on this forum. Is it that you don't have a good relationship with your mom or that she complains that you don't see her enough or what? What would be the ideal frequency to visit with her in your mind? I admit that I too sometimes felt that spending time with my aging parents was a chore, but I also wonder how this could be reframed in our minds or handled differently as we age ourselves. The reality is that people in their 80s are probably not going to have too many friends or social contacts left (many have died or can't manage visits) and we--the offspring--literally may be the only people they see all week. We may find ourselves in this situation as well one day (God help us). I also realize that people are living way too long these days, so these tensions can last for decades. I don't know what the answer is to this, but I am open to hearing from others how to deal with it.

I’m the PP about having to see my mom twice a week. We are very close and I love her very much. She is in assisted living and part of a sub-group there that’s sort of transitionary for people suffering from cognitive impairment. There’s about ten of them and they have separate activities during the week when their counselor is there. So she’s really busy during the week and she has made friends there. I also know that logically that she’s not going to be around forever and I’m going to be devastated when she’s gone. I see her twice a week, every week. Once in an evening after work and one day when I’m off work. If it was up to her I’d come a third time, at a minimum. She’s extremely codependent. Personally I think once a week would be ideal.

My issue is that I’m a total sandwich generation- I have a full time job, a husband, kids, a house to maintain and the remnants of a social life (which has really taken a hit the last year or two). I never have any time for me. All of my time is devoted to others. It takes me months to schedule a haircut or a dental cleaning or a mammogram or anything that isn’t a necessity because there is only so much time in a day. I’ve lost touch with most of my friends because they eventually stop inviting me to things when the answer is always no. I accept the sacrifice I make for kids because that was a choice I made. And I logically recognize that my mom took care of me when I was young so it’s a payback for her. But at what cost?

My mom unloads on me every time I see her with whatever the complaints of the week are. It’s just a totally unhealthy dynamic and one I can’t seem to fix. I may get to her place and she’ll be smiling and happy and enjoying her time and within an hour of my arrival she’s miserable and complaining about this or that or this person or that ailment and it’s a lot. Every visit I leave with a list of things she needs or a list of calls to make to set up appointments for her, and every time I come I bring whatever it is that she indicated she needed from the last visit that I’ve since procured for her. I leave the visits completely drained. Every time, twice a week, it’s absolutely exhausting.

I wish I knew the answer. It’s truly a lose-lose situation.

My mom is like this, too. I am her chosen dumpster - the only person who receives all of her anger and other hard emotions - most often tied to complaints about father and how miserable her life is with him. She has been doing this for 30 years. I am sick of it. I have tried repeatedly to set boundaries in a loving way, then a firm way. She comes back at me with "It's your job to listen to me because I have no one else I feel comfortable talking to." Now I just avoid her. It has truly ruined our relationship.

I think this kind of behavior needs to be on the list of what not to do to our kids. I think if we had a better, more positive relationship, so much of this would be easier to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Do people ever just donate/ throw out the contents of the whole house? I can’t imagine anyone will want my parents stuff, even as donations. It’s junk.

I’ll take the pictures and throw out the rest. Or does it end up being psychologically hard to do so?

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the PP with all the tips.
My parents won't give me any sort of list of bank accounts because they don't want me to know what they have because my husband "might lose his drive if he knows he'll be getting a lot of money". Nonetheless I am expected to take care of their finances once my father goes.
My mother begged me to promise never to put her in a home and I have a first floor guest room next to a full bath that I said would be hers. She responded "I don't want to end my life in that tiny room with a view of the neighbor's yard. I was hoping you'd move somewhere waterfront." Thanks mom!
She gave me a full written account of what she wants done if she gets dementia (which she sadly had to nurse my grandpa through) which involved a Xanax overdose on a scenic pier. I told her there was no way I could be involved in this without a criminal charge, even if she has a legal document that she wants it.
Praying things go smoothly.

[Anonymous]

Before her dementia got too bad, my mother used to tell me she did not want to be a burden. Unsurprisingly, she became a great burden as her dementia progressed. She now begs me to take her home every time I visit her in memory care.

Once my kids are old enough, I want them to understand that if/when I am debilitated with dementia, that I may say hurtful or guilt inducing things to them, but that it's the disease talking and not my true self talking. I'd want them to know that it's okay to feel bad, but to try not to feel guilt--because doing what works for them in regards to visiting or caring for me is the best thing they can do.

Also, if it hasn't already been mentioned, plan out and pay for your funeral in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people ever just donate/ throw out the contents of the whole house? I can’t imagine anyone will want my parents stuff, even as donations. It’s junk.

I’ll take the pictures and throw out the rest. Or does it end up being psychologically hard to do so?

Take the stuff you want and offer the rest to friends and family. Once everyone has taken what they want host an estate sale. After the estate sale call the junk hauler people for the rest. BTDT.