Reply to DD leaving for college soon: can we repair our relationship before she leaves?

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[quote=Anonymous]
Perhaps you can invite her to something you know she will like (a restaurant? an activity?), and find a moment while traveling to/from the event, or during it, where you can talk for a short while. Say that you and her father love her very much, and that you will always be there for her, and that she can call you for help at any time after she leaves, day or night. That you're not sure exactly why she has felt the need to distance herself, but that you don't want her to feel unsupported or unloved by her parents when she leaves your home, because you do want to support and love her.

Basically what you told us here. She will feel your sincerity. Don't criticize, don't be negative, just something short and heartfelt.

I had a difficult relationship with my parents before I left their home. My mother has always been incredibly needy, smothering and controlling, and while I didn't mind as a child, I minded a LOT as a teen. My father did not approve of my then-boyfriend, now husband of 20 years (!). When I left, I had distanced myself emotionally for some time.

Also, something really important: some teens need that latent hostility to leave their parents. It's hard to break such a strong familial bond, and some people will spur themselves along by disconnecting emotionally first, to make the parting easier. It also happens when couples separate - sometimes the spouse who leaves will disconnect and become hostile to get themselves in the right headspace to leave the other. In both cases, the one who leaves ties their reasons to something the other did - because that's how they can rationalize the departure. I'm sure, when I left my parental home, I did a little of that too.

So some of it is the pain of leaving, some of it is something she thinks you did. In most cases, it's all a wash and you'll find yourself in a much better relationship with your daughter in a few years. Have hope, OP!

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