The burden of so much ‘meaningful’ stuff

[Anonymous]

As you get older, does it ever occur to you that—after you die—someone (most likely loved ones) will have to deal with all of your stuff?

I’m curious as to why people don’t do their own preparations for late stages/end of life, even if it’s just a clear list of “I’d like my china to go to my niece, Carrie, if she wants it.” Some type of list that would essentially be “first offer should go to” and then a person’s name.

And for goodness’ sake, I hope that list would also include, “Please don’t feel bad if no one wants any of these items. Please feel free to donate or sell, or discard.”

I’ve seen my parents and my ILs deal with the death of their parents, and each couple was overwhelmed by the whole process. And yet they are gearing up to do the same thing to us. They accumulate, accumulate, accumulate, and go on and on about how this chair is very special, or this jewelry is very special, or this gravy boat is very special.

I plan to make it clear to my loved ones that, here’s the history/significance, but you do not need to feel burdened or obligated to keep any of this. It’s just stuff. I don’t want it to mire you down.

[Anonymous]

You should just get rid of your own stuff. No one wants it. No list needed!

[Anonymous]

Some people do. Swedish death cleaning.

[Anonymous]

That's all fine and good if you die of old age but when death is sudden there's not much you can do.
I for one have no problems hanging on to stuff.

[Anonymous]

Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning is about exactly this.

That aside, you don’t have to take on your elders’ feelings about their stuff. Once they are gone get rid of it if you don’t want it.

[Anonymous]

This makes me think of Swedish death cleaning and I agree, op. (On the other hand, I am sentimental and absolutely love knowing the stories abt aunt Gertrude’s prized art nouveau broach, etc or great grandmothers wedding “crown” from the old country.)

[Anonymous]

Because they mean to do it, but it's an overwhelming task and eventually they no longer have the cognition or stamina for it.

Or because their intended beneficiaries keep declining the offer.

[Anonymous]

I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

Ugh, you could have been a bit more diplomatic.

[Anonymous]

I find the people who let their sibling deal are often, but not always the hoardy ones who don't understand the burden and the fact we don't have endless time to sort. Occasionally those who understand the task and have done it either want to haze the younger generation and think they are doing the kids a favor with all these treasures or they forgot how obnoxious it is. Gotta love the people who think you will need an auction house. Usually the auction house scoffs and you hire Joe's junk haul to gather and dispose.

My sister thinks my brother and I will be having her pick items that we then carefully wrap and send to her, but she thinks she is generous letting us go first. We don't want more stuff and we have jobs and will not be wrapping breakables and sending them. She can drive on down, wrap it herself and ship or haul it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me think of Swedish death cleaning and I agree, op. (On the other hand, I am sentimental and absolutely love knowing the stories abt aunt Gertrude’s prized art nouveau broach, etc or great grandmothers wedding “crown” from the old country.)

+1
I'm preparing for a move and I'm streamlining everything. And I don't plan on purchasing anything more than I need going forward. Also, handing out as much I can to those who might want it. At a certain age, this is really appealing.

[Anonymous]

Yeah this has already been an NYTimes article 10 times at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

Omg! Girl!

[Anonymous]

When grandpa was moving out of his house, all the kids amd grandkids were gathered (summoned?), and/but we had a plan. The adult grandkid in charge told us all to take stuff, as grandpa lived through the depression and was a bit of a hoarder (think broken appliances, because he thought someone could fix them). So, he happily asked us who wanted different items, we all happily said yes, and then we all donated or dumped the stuff we took that we didn't want.

Grandpa was happy thinking his important stuff was with family, and family was happy to all help get rid of the junk and help him with this big move/transition

[Anonymous]

Wills get into this to some extent.