The burden of so much ‘meaningful’ stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminds me of a coworker I used to have at a university. She had kept every paper copy and every paper press release that ever came across her hands. She would print out all her emails and had them in folders. She had piles of papers everywhere, including on the floor. She had done this for decades.

Finally, all the office furniture had to be moved and everything cleared because they were putting in new carpet, new paint, and were converting some closed offices into cubicles. She was absolutely distraught. A whole team of us tried to help her go through and recycle, trash and generally purge. She was having panic attacks.

Finally, we got the idea to get bankers boxes and tell her it was all going “to the university archives.” That allowed her to let us get in and get it out. We of course then recycled and trashed most things, but we did indeed send a few papers to the archives.

Her home was even worse after her death.

Unrelated to the topic, but this post reminds me of a millennial coworker who would literally print out emails and bring them to my office to discuss!! He would also print things to paper to give to a coworker to scan to a pdf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminds me of a coworker I used to have at a university. She had kept every paper copy and every paper press release that ever came across her hands. She would print out all her emails and had them in folders. She had piles of papers everywhere, including on the floor. She had done this for decades.

Finally, all the office furniture had to be moved and everything cleared because they were putting in new carpet, new paint, and were converting some closed offices into cubicles. She was absolutely distraught. A whole team of us tried to help her go through and recycle, trash and generally purge. She was having panic attacks.

Finally, we got the idea to get bankers boxes and tell her it was all going “to the university archives.” That allowed her to let us get in and get it out. We of course then recycled and trashed most things, but we did indeed send a few papers to the archives.

Her home was even worse after her death.

Obviously this is a manifestation of mental illness, and at its most extreme it results in hoarders who cannot even discard their own excreted bodily fluids and solid waste.

Treatment of hoarding disorder is still in its infancy and the disorder is one of the most difficult to bring under control because too much treatment focuses on purging the stuff and cleaning the living or workspace and expecting the person to maintain the new normal. But inside their head they still have all the issues with abandonment that lead to their inability to let go of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:14 and someday my DH will have to deal with the massive hoard that is my IL’s unfinished basement.

Things from that basement are removed piecemeal- my MIL will unearth DH beer can collection from 1980, give it to DH. Great. Took it home and recycled all.

I haven’t been down the steps to the basement in decades. My ILs have talked/joked about their basement mess since before they were my ILs - 30 years.

My MIL mailed me a baggie of DH's baby teeth

OMG I have a bag of my 11YOs baby teeth in my underwear drawer. I'm going to go throw it out before 20 years go by and I'm mailing it back to them!

LOL...So do I!!! Except my DD is 25. But baggie is also in my underwear drawer. I need to throw them away before she finds them when I'm dead and realizes there was no tooth fairy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had to deal with three elderly relatives who passed away without getting rid of all their stuff. The fact is that they don’t want to get rid of it themselves, because that’s like saying, “okay, I’m ready to die now”. And they get mad if you offer to declutter for them, because that’s like telling them, “okay, I’m ready for you to die now”. It was simply easier to do it after they actually died. Then you don’t have to feel very bad about tossing or donating something your mom loved.

In each case all that was left of an entire life was some photo albums and some odds and ends. And I doubt my kids will keep those photo albums of their grandparents and great grandparents. In due course there will be nothing left to show they lived at all.

This is making me so sad. I love old charm bracelets but stopped making them when I noticed how many were for sale on ebay. Some went for a nice sum but it was so sad to see those tokens of important milestones sold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who said I don't want it unless its cash, real estate, or jewelry. I stand by what I said. All the replies here appear to say they are going to get rid of all the sentimental stuff as well, at least I'm being up front about it.

It hurts people's feelings though. Years ago my ILs proclaimed that someday their grandfather clock would go to DH. He immediately said, "I don't want that stupid clock" and they STILL talk about him saying that. It made a huge impression on them, they couldn't believe he wasn't interested. They also said someday DH would get their massive collection of literally hundreds of Hummel and Royal Doulton figurines he expressed similar distaste and amusement for those as well. I could post a picture of the wall of display shelves for figurines of ladies in long skirts.

All the money my ils spent on those awful Hummels...

[Anonymous]

Are you even German-American if you don’t have at least one Hummel?

[Anonymous]

I had to move my mom out of her home and across country to assisted living and it didn't make sense to move her furniture (wouldn't fit new place). I went through a lot and then hired an estate sale. I saved a few things for me, my brother chose a few pieces, but honestly the rest just went. It was kind of heartbreaking to see the most unbelievable handmade 18 foot italian lace tablecloths and lots of semi-valuable art just disappear (and for pennies) to other homes but on the other hand, I didn't have to deal with the burden of stuff, (I mean, when am I going to use that table cloth, or all those gold rimmed coffee cups) and I didn't have to deal with it while also dealing with my mother's death, which would be a million times harder. There was a fair amount of stuff that was trashed or thrifted, but I suppose I should take comfort that some of these pieces will live on in other homes. My mom was absolutely paralyzed by the process (but she is in early stages of dementia) and I worried she would miss stuff, but honestly she seems fine with her new furniture in her new place. I saved a ton of pictures (family pictures), letters, some of her books and a few pieces of art, and I found the exact same coffee table she had and loved here (at someone else's estate sale!).

We have decided that while we like a few pieces of art we've acquired over the years, we really are not spending money of expensive things or collections and wont leave our kids with much stuff either. Some jewelry, a few family heirlooms that dont take up space, and a few things like a couple sets of silver and some pictures they can sell if they dont want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had to deal with three elderly relatives who passed away without getting rid of all their stuff. The fact is that they don’t want to get rid of it themselves, because that’s like saying, “okay, I’m ready to die now”. And they get mad if you offer to declutter for them, because that’s like telling them, “okay, I’m ready for you to die now”. It was simply easier to do it after they actually died. Then you don’t have to feel very bad about tossing or donating something your mom loved.

In each case all that was left of an entire life was some photo albums and some odds and ends. And I doubt my kids will keep those photo albums of their grandparents and great grandparents. In due course there will be nothing left to show they lived at all.

This is making me so sad. I love old charm bracelets but stopped making them when I noticed how many were for sale on ebay. Some went for a nice sum but it was so sad to see those tokens of important milestones sold.

Except if you have a bracelet of grandma’s charms and a bracelet of mom’s charms, and you have charms, and you get your daughter charms, like where does it end? Suddenly someone in your family is supposed to treasure and cherish eight charm bracelets from eight dead people. It’s too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminds me of a coworker I used to have at a university. She had kept every paper copy and every paper press release that ever came across her hands. She would print out all her emails and had them in folders. She had piles of papers everywhere, including on the floor. She had done this for decades.

Finally, all the office furniture had to be moved and everything cleared because they were putting in new carpet, new paint, and were converting some closed offices into cubicles. She was absolutely distraught. A whole team of us tried to help her go through and recycle, trash and generally purge. She was having panic attacks.

Finally, we got the idea to get bankers boxes and tell her it was all going “to the university archives.” That allowed her to let us get in and get it out. We of course then recycled and trashed most things, but we did indeed send a few papers to the archives.

Her home was even worse after her death.

Unrelated to the topic, but this post reminds me of a millennial coworker who would literally print out emails and bring them to my office to discuss!! He would also print things to paper to give to a coworker to scan to a pdf.

Years ago I had an old guy coworker whose method of sending emails was to write down the message, then have his admin scan and email the hand-written note.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you don’t “have” to deal with anything beyond getting a dumpster and chucking everything in. (And even that I am not sure is necessary- just leave it all alone). The endless sorting is actually a choice made by those left behind because they feel obligated (which they are not) or they are expecting to gain something from it.

So basically, if you choose to painstakingly sort through all your parents’ crap that’s on you. I am confident they didn’t die to inconvenience you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have mini panic attacks every time I open junk drawers and closets in my parents’ house. But their “stuff” means a lot to them and they want it around. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it (or pay for handling it) when they’re gone, but I’m not going to take anything away from them.

I have mini panic attacks every time I open junk drawers and closets in my parents’ house. But their “stuff” means a lot to them and they want it around. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it (or pay for handling it) when they’re gone, but I’m not going to take anything away from them.

---------------------------------

Same. It is important to me that they have the things they love; my feelings about it are irrelevant, frankly. I would no more demand my parents give away things they love and value than I would take candy from a baby, so to speak.

Both of these times 1,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a hoarder. I want very few of her possessions. She's convinced herself that I should take them all. She will not downsize. I'm an only child.

When she says I should take things, I just say yes. I reassure her that I will treat her possessions with respect. If I don't keep it all, I say that I will find a good home for them. What I actually will do is irrelevant.

I think I agree with this, but then I wonder if I will feel guilty (or haunted?) if I don't do what they would have wanted.

[Anonymous]

The worst is when useless stuff is clumped together with sentimental items like photos and maybe important documents/money.
You are forced to go through each little pile and bag and box and bin…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has been amazing. My dad died 5 years ago.

My mom completely cleared out the house of 50 years, asked us what we wanted. They had renovated over the years and kept up maintenance of everything so house looks great- not old or musty. And she has all paperwork, will etc.

She also (at 79) went and bought a condo in a retirement community that also has assisted living for when the need comes she will move to that building. She sold the house herself—did so much work leading up to it and a neighbor was helping her sell things on Craigslist.

My mom always said it’s a gift to your kids not to burden them with all of that. She saw far too many bad experiences and worked at an assisted living facility herself before she retired.

I plan to do the same for kids.

My mom did something very similar and every time I declutter at my place, I thank her in my head.

She and my father (he had dementia) moved into a continuing care facility after a minor heath crisis, so she flagged everything she wanted to take with her, told my local sibling who was using my parents house as a storage unit to get everything out she wanted in a week, and then worked real estate agent who organized a estate sale, then donated or trashed what was left and put the house on the market.

When my father passed away, she flagged a few things she wanted to keep, and my husband and I took his clothes in good condition to Goodwill, and the rest was cleaned out by the facility.

After paying for undergrad, this was the best thing she did for me (and she’s an amazing, caring mom!!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:14 and someday my DH will have to deal with the massive hoard that is my IL’s unfinished basement.

Things from that basement are removed piecemeal- my MIL will unearth DH beer can collection from 1980, give it to DH. Great. Took it home and recycled all.

I haven’t been down the steps to the basement in decades. My ILs have talked/joked about their basement mess since before they were my ILs - 30 years.

My MIL mailed me a baggie of DH's baby teeth

OMG I have a bag of my 11YOs baby teeth in my underwear drawer. I'm going to go throw it out before 20 years go by and I'm mailing it back to them!

LOL...So do I!!! Except my DD is 25. But baggie is also in my underwear drawer. I need to throw them away before she finds them when I'm dead and realizes there was no tooth fairy

Hahah! I remember finding teeth in my mom’s jewelry box as a teen and being grossed out (I have almost the same reaction 30 years later…😂).

Pretty sure my daughter’s teeth are tucked safely in about 4-5 places I can’t remember, as are a dozen or so notes to fairies, Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Leprechaun, and that stupid f-ing elf. I should put them in a box for her when she’s older - in case she’s still more sentimental than I am by then!