The burden of so much ‘meaningful’ stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a sentimental hoarder. I was so thankful when she and my dad moved to a smaller house a few years ago because it meant she had to go through all her stuff. And when I say hoarder I mean I had at least one storage box for every year I'd been alive, an envelope filled with baby teeth, artwork, report cards, etc etc. That didn't even touch on the 60+ photo albums she has, which she is now in the process of going through as she knows neither my brother nor I will want all of them.

It's a big task but you can hire folks to help you scan those photos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was an only child and lived in the same house 50 years. I moved her out last year. You just need to dissociate. Brother and I chose a few things that were meaningful, but the reality is that neither of us wanted/needed silver, china, rugs, a million faded pictures of relatives who are now unidentified (and mom doesn't know), etc.

Step 1 I got a dumpster and filled it with crap. Phone books (remember those?) from the 1980s, lots and lots of junk.
Step 2: picked a few pieces of art, a few small mementos each, plus what I would bring to my mom's assisted living.
step 3: Got an estate sale to take care of the rest.

Aside from a few things i put in auction (from grandparents), we didn't really get much money (about 15k for stuff that was appraised at some point for like, 150k, but the time it would take to sell each etching, each silver spoon, each vintage doll...time is money too). There were a few regrets I realized we had some really valuable things that went for a song but to be free of the burden of stuff is priceless.

DH and I dont have a ton of stuff, as we've moved multiple times, and we dont have much that we would consider "valuable" that the kids would feel guilty about getting rid off. There are things they can keep if they want, but most of it will be given away, etc. We will try to downsize again once they are in college.

The bolded part is where my husband gets hung up, and so do I to a lesser extent. I need to focus on being "free of the burden of stuff is priceless." But I also worry that we'll get rid of something and then need it and not have the money to buy it again.

[Anonymous]

Clearly most old people want to keep their stuff around until they actually die because the reason they have the stuff is they like having it in their lives. You may not like it but they also pretty much feel like their heirs can either keep what they want or get rid of it all or some combination of both. It's hard to get too excited about what's going to happen after you are dead. Tough truth.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, ive lost both parents and absorbed a lot already, but much of the remainder is still with my sibling overseas. He is himself a hoarder with no spouse. Every chance i get, i try to give away stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

That's rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was an only child and lived in the same house 50 years. I moved her out last year. You just need to dissociate. Brother and I chose a few things that were meaningful, but the reality is that neither of us wanted/needed silver, china, rugs, a million faded pictures of relatives who are now unidentified (and mom doesn't know), etc.

Step 1 I got a dumpster and filled it with crap. Phone books (remember those?) from the 1980s, lots and lots of junk.
Step 2: picked a few pieces of art, a few small mementos each, plus what I would bring to my mom's assisted living.
step 3: Got an estate sale to take care of the rest.

Aside from a few things i put in auction (from grandparents), we didn't really get much money (about 15k for stuff that was appraised at some point for like, 150k, but the time it would take to sell each etching, each silver spoon, each vintage doll...time is money too). There were a few regrets I realized we had some really valuable things that went for a song but to be free of the burden of stuff is priceless.

DH and I dont have a ton of stuff, as we've moved multiple times, and we dont have much that we would consider "valuable" that the kids would feel guilty about getting rid off. There are things they can keep if they want, but most of it will be given away, etc. We will try to downsize again once they are in college.

The bolded part is where my husband gets hung up, and so do I to a lesser extent. I need to focus on being "free of the burden of stuff is priceless." But I also worry that we'll get rid of something and then need it and not have the money to buy it again.

You can let your DH know that the demand for those kinds of items is way, way down.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother put tape with someone’s name on the bottom of everything in her house to show to whom she wanted the stuff to go. As I got older I realized how smart this was (although as kids we would make a game of it).

My parents are hoarders. The dread I have when my time comes to go through their filth and trash is depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother put tape with someone’s name on the bottom of everything in her house to show to whom she wanted the stuff to go. As I got older I realized how smart this was (although as kids we would make a game of it).

My parents are hoarders. The dread I have when my time comes to go through their filth and trash is depressing.

I just got through my late mother’s hoard and it took me 3 weeks with one helper (mover, so the packing was mostly on me and the dumping on him). I was stupid enough not to wear a mask and am dealing with an allergy induced sinusitis RN so don’t make that mistake.
I did find a little money and a lot of sentimental things. Also some things my mother wrote that gave me better understanding of her motives if you can even speak of motives of a mentally ill person.
I mean it wasn’t all bad. You get to rethink things and resolve some issues and just getting my childhood home back (it belongs to my dad but metaphorically) was good for me.

[Anonymous]

Oh please no lists! My dad is giving me a hard time by not wanting to get rid of old dust books without first looking at them and assigning them to someone. Of course I am not telling him that but when the time comes they all go to the first person who wants them!

[Anonymous]

You donate what is in good shape and desirable and you hire a junk and dump company for the rest, even treasures are often worthless and some junk even goodwill doesn't want. If a sibling wants dibs on stuff, that sibling can come sort through. Let everyone have what they want if they want anything and then dump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

Tacky, classless and ungrateful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had to deal with three elderly relatives who passed away without getting rid of all their stuff. The fact is that they don’t want to get rid of it themselves, because that’s like saying, “okay, I’m ready to die now”. And they get mad if you offer to declutter for them, because that’s like telling them, “okay, I’m ready for you to die now”. It was simply easier to do it after they actually died. Then you don’t have to feel very bad about tossing or donating something your mom loved.

In each case all that was left of an entire life was some photo albums and some odds and ends. And I doubt my kids will keep those photo albums of their grandparents and great grandparents. In due course there will be nothing left to show they lived at all.

That's always the case. After a few generations, most of us will go quietly into obscurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

Tacky, classless and ungrateful!

And stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

You are the only person that doesn’t know that you are a jerk. Your in-laws are saints to put up with your crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have told my parents and ILs that unless its money, real estate, or jewelry I don't want it. ILs were stung but I stand by what I said.

When my MIL had a hard time downsizing to a condo because of her attachment to so many things, I would tell her time and again as she sorted through her stuff, "I'll take that!" Then had a yard sale where I mostly gave things away or sold for $.50-1.00 and most of what was left I deposited with goodwill or tossed. Kept a few prominent things for her to see when she came over. It was the kind thing to do. She is gone now and I miss her and frankly I miss being at her house with all her beloved things. I am glad we kept some of it to remind us of her.