Honest Advice - Should I point out the hurt that my mom caused 15 years ago now or let it go?

[Anonymous]

I got married over a decade ago about six months after a sibling. My mom was working fulltime and comes from a traditional culture where weddings are a very big deal. She was incredibly stressed at the time and took a lot of that stress out on me whilst wedding planning. I also didn't marry into money and that was stressful to her at that time, as well. I am still happily married and financially am fine and life has moved on from that time period. I have another sibling getting married this year and I am helping them a lot with wedding planning. My mom said and did some very mean things to me during my wedding planning time but it's been a long time and I have never brought them up with her since. Since she and I are working together to plan wedding stuff, my wedding is more of a topic now than it has ever been since it ended. She has mellowed some and realizes that people aren't as traditional so this is a very different experience this time around. I am also encouraging her to be more laid-back about this and she is on board after somewhat learning her lesson with other siblings, cousins, etc. Examples have come up about things she did to me back then and she doesn't seem to recall them and is now arguing about details that I vividly remember and she can't recall. I want to tell her that she was terribly mean to me then but I accept that she was dealing with a lot of stress and didn't know how to not make my wedding about her. Or I could STFU about it and keep it buried. There is no real point to bringing this to her attention other than it would allow me to say how she made me feel a long time ago. I can't tell if that's a terrible idea and as a 40-something that I should know better or that if telling her would make her empathize with me and ultimately bring us closer. Clearly we have issues so I am unable to think straight about this.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave it alone. I confronted my mother about something in the past and completely regretted it. It did no good and just made us both feel awful. It was something that could not be changed, so there was really no point. I thought it would make me feel better, but it made me feel worse. My mom has since passed away, and I still think back on that conversation and wish I would have never have brought it up.

[Anonymous]

Another vote to leave it alone.

If she's doing the same thing she did to you, then it's valid to bring it up: mom, you did the same thing to me during my wedding prep and it was really hurtful b/c of xyz. Please don't do this to Susie.

But you said she's mellowed some and seemed to have learned her lesson. So let the sleeping dog lie.

[Anonymous]

I highly doubt she will empathize with you and it will bring you two closer. Some parents are more secure in themselves and don't get defensive when you point out how their actions hurt you, but that's not common.

You are going to remember these details much better than she will because we tend to remember really emotional things. For her, these were not emotional, noteworthy moments.

If you decide to bring it up, I would think hard about what you want to get out of the situation, how likely you are to be able to get it, and how you can phrase things in a way that gets you what you want.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it seems like she mellowed and learned her lesson, and we're not talking about some horrific thing. It's not like she, I dunno, no-showed to your rehearsal dinner or got drunk and made a scene or screamed obscenities at you or called someone a racial slur. "Said some mean things" + 10 years ago + personal growth = why bother?

It does raise the question - why is it still bothering you? You seem to have a good context and understanding for why this happened and where it came from, and it's not ongoing, which is usually a recipe for letting it go. Why are you still hanging on emotionally? Seems worth a little soul searching on your end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it seems like she mellowed and learned her lesson, and we're not talking about some horrific thing. It's not like she, I dunno, no-showed to your rehearsal dinner or got drunk and made a scene or screamed obscenities at you or called someone a racial slur. "Said some mean things" + 10 years ago + personal growth = why bother?

It does raise the question - why is it still bothering you? You seem to have a good context and understanding for why this happened and where it came from, and it's not ongoing, which is usually a recipe for letting it go. Why are you still hanging on emotionally? Seems worth a little soul searching on your end.

I think that "hanging on emotionally" seems like the wrong way to frame this. First of all, OP is, in the moment, having conversations with her mother about her wedding on a regular basis. So she has constant reminders of the mean things her mom said and did. Second, her mom is invalidating her by brushing off her hurt because she doesn't remember the details. Frustration and sadness is a very normal response to this happening.

My mom was straight-up abusive and I have basically let it go, but to do that I needed to move far away and get a lot of distance. I don't think I could be in close proximity with her for an extended period of time without being saddened that we will never have a good mother/daughter relationship because she isn't capable of that, and I'd certainly be reminded of the hurt she caused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it seems like she mellowed and learned her lesson, and we're not talking about some horrific thing. It's not like she, I dunno, no-showed to your rehearsal dinner or got drunk and made a scene or screamed obscenities at you or called someone a racial slur. "Said some mean things" + 10 years ago + personal growth = why bother?

It does raise the question - why is it still bothering you? You seem to have a good context and understanding for why this happened and where it came from, and it's not ongoing, which is usually a recipe for letting it go. Why are you still hanging on emotionally? Seems worth a little soul searching on your end.

This is OP. These are good questions... so to clarify you are right, it wasn't one thing she did, it was just her overall treatment of me during my wedding planning process. Instances like taking showing up an hour late to the time I was showing her my chosen wedding dress (I dress shopped alone because she was too busy). Driving to pick up my veil and her telling me all the families she knew where the groom's side paid for half the wedding, etc. To put it visually, she was a black cloud hanging over my wedding planning times and putting her own stress above trying to make this a special time. I'm going to assume from the rest of your questions that you have a pretty good relationship with your own mother. I wouldn't say that I am hanging on emotionally but I am still hurt that an otherwise happy time for me was overshadowed by her selfishness and lack of empathy for her child. But to be honest this is par for the course, I could probably take her behavior and apply it to almost any instance in my life, it's just that getting married is so special and I wish for me that time had gone differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave it alone. I confronted my mother about something in the past and completely regretted it. It did no good and just made us both feel awful. It was something that could not be changed, so there was really no point. I thought it would make me feel better, but it made me feel worse. My mom has since passed away, and I still think back on that conversation and wish I would have never have brought it up.

Same. My Mom died a few months after I brought up some petty issue from 12 years before. Cleared the issue but wish I’d just let it go. Though I did feel my Mom and I had a clean clear slate when she died, all was good.

[Anonymous]

Trying to explain how I felt about anything to my mom just resulted in her being defensive. It never solved anything and often made it worse because she would straight up deny blatant favoritism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it seems like she mellowed and learned her lesson, and we're not talking about some horrific thing. It's not like she, I dunno, no-showed to your rehearsal dinner or got drunk and made a scene or screamed obscenities at you or called someone a racial slur. "Said some mean things" + 10 years ago + personal growth = why bother?

It does raise the question - why is it still bothering you? You seem to have a good context and understanding for why this happened and where it came from, and it's not ongoing, which is usually a recipe for letting it go. Why are you still hanging on emotionally? Seems worth a little soul searching on your end.

This is OP. These are good questions... so to clarify you are right, it wasn't one thing she did, it was just her overall treatment of me during my wedding planning process. Instances like taking showing up an hour late to the time I was showing her my chosen wedding dress (I dress shopped alone because she was too busy). Driving to pick up my veil and her telling me all the families she knew where the groom's side paid for half the wedding, etc. To put it visually, she was a black cloud hanging over my wedding planning times and putting her own stress above trying to make this a special time. I'm going to assume from the rest of your questions that you have a pretty good relationship with your own mother. I wouldn't say that I am hanging on emotionally but I am still hurt that an otherwise happy time for me was overshadowed by her selfishness and lack of empathy for her child. But to be honest this is par for the course, I could probably take her behavior and apply it to almost any instance in my life, it's just that getting married is so special and I wish for me that time had gone differently.

I don't agree with the PP before that asked-"why is this still bothering you"? These events leave scars and her actions were extremely hurtful during a very delicate time when you could have used support. This was one of the biggest events of your life and it's often a culmination of emotions you aren't used to. My Mother is prone to having selfish ways and being a stressful presence in general, but the two times she's held it together and managed some element of support was during my wedding (and the week up to it) and when I had a baby. Even she understood it wasn't about her and how monumental the occasion was. Thank god too because my now DH & I were dealing with some serious wedding stress at the time.
This isn't petty, silly or even small. Also, do you have any reason WHY she was this black cloud? Did she have a problem with your husband's family? You could bring it up as "I always wanted to know WHY you behaved this way and why you were so upset"

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, and that your sibling getting married is poking old wounds, but now's not the time. As you stated - weddings are supposed to be a happy time - if things were to go sideways in your trying to clear the air with your mom, it could ruin the experience/cause drama for your sibling. In some ways doing what was done to you.

If you do decide to confront her - wait until after the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it seems like she mellowed and learned her lesson, and we're not talking about some horrific thing. It's not like she, I dunno, no-showed to your rehearsal dinner or got drunk and made a scene or screamed obscenities at you or called someone a racial slur. "Said some mean things" + 10 years ago + personal growth = why bother?

It does raise the question - why is it still bothering you? You seem to have a good context and understanding for why this happened and where it came from, and it's not ongoing, which is usually a recipe for letting it go. Why are you still hanging on emotionally? Seems worth a little soul searching on your end.

This is OP. These are good questions... so to clarify you are right, it wasn't one thing she did, it was just her overall treatment of me during my wedding planning process. Instances like taking showing up an hour late to the time I was showing her my chosen wedding dress (I dress shopped alone because she was too busy). Driving to pick up my veil and her telling me all the families she knew where the groom's side paid for half the wedding, etc. To put it visually, she was a black cloud hanging over my wedding planning times and putting her own stress above trying to make this a special time. I'm going to assume from the rest of your questions that you have a pretty good relationship with your own mother. I wouldn't say that I am hanging on emotionally but I am still hurt that an otherwise happy time for me was overshadowed by her selfishness and lack of empathy for her child. But to be honest this is par for the course, I could probably take her behavior and apply it to almost any instance in my life, it's just that getting married is so special and I wish for me that time had gone differently.

PP here - this is really helpful. Also, to clarify, when I said "Why is this still bothering you?" that wasn't meant as a dismissive or, that it shouldn't. It was truly a straightforward request for additional information. And the information you provided is helpful. I'm sorry your mom wasn't able to put you first when it came to your wedding planning. That stings, and it's disappointing.

I still think that saying something to her would be counter productive. But I think taking some time to sit with your disappointment can be helpful. In fact, reading through this thread, I wonder if just you typing all of this out and hearing other people's responses isn't helpful.

The thing that jumps out at me is that this was par for the course for her. I think often expectations are our worst enemies in these kinds of situations. When the stakes are higher (like a wedding) we expect that people will be able to behave better than their default. But in reality, when you're talking about people who aren't emotionally reliable, they often behave worse in situations with more emotional layers (again, like a wedding). A shift in perspective - to "of course mom behaved selfishly, she's pretty selfish" can really help here.

Oh, and I do have good relationship with my mother, but we had a few negative interactions before/during and actually the worst was right after my wedding that also left a sour taste in my mouth. So I do understand where you're coming from.

Actually, now that I think about it, the other thing that helped me was to understand what was going on emotionally for my mom. I realized months later that while both my mom and I moved around a lot in our 20s, when it came time to settle down and have children, she came back "home" and was about an hour away from her parents. I, on the other hand, was settling down quite far away. In fact, I was quite settled before the wedding, but I think the wedding being in my city kinda cemented in my mom that I was never coming "home" and that's why she acted out. Of course she NEVER said anything like this, and it's just speculation on my part. Some people aren't good with certain emotions - my mom is terrible with sadness. She's a sunny, upbeat person, so it's rare, but when a situation calls for sadness, she tends to turn to some other emotion that she's more comfortable with, like anger or anxiety. So, her sadness about me being far away turned into anxiety about wedding planning and anger about an inconsequential thing that went wrong. That doesn't make it okay, she behaved in a really crappy fashion - but it did help me to understand and let go. Possible to look at the whole situation through your mother's eyes? Even if someone is behaving objectively terribly, understanding why can help.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to invalidate your hurt but to be honest, some of these issues seem slightly petty to be so upset about years later. SO I agree with the person above, what about them is so hurtful/why are these so central in your thinking now?

One suggestion: write a letter to your mother about all the hurt but don't send it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to invalidate your hurt but to be honest, some of these issues seem slightly petty to be so upset about years later. SO I agree with the person above, what about them is so hurtful/why are these so central in your thinking now?

One suggestion: write a letter to your mother about all the hurt but don't send it.

Quoting myself here-- could it be that you have often felt marginalized by your mother, especially during your wedding when your expectation was full attention from her and her centering you, and now that she is doing exactly that with your sibling, it's 1) showing you she isn't always like that 2) the gap between how she generally treats your siblings and you is hurting?

[Anonymous]

You are fixated on very small stuff — when really, your mom has likely been a jerk a lot. You just really, really wanted her not to be a jerk around your wedding — so it stung more when she was just her typical jerky self.

Honestly, my dad is a jerk. He will never, ever acknowledge he is a jerk. He isn’t going to have some big kumbaya moment with me where he apologizes. Honestly, he just gets less of my time. He has also mellowed and is a lot less jerky (I would never allow him to be a jerk to my kids). But it doesn’t matter, he will never get a close relationship from me. I see him, but we are not close. And honestly, it is fine. He is who he is. And I’m a grownup and can make my own choices.