Honest Advice - Should I point out the hurt that my mom caused 15 years ago now or let it go?

[Anonymous]

My mom is has a disgusted look on her face in the pictures from my wedding day. There is this one picture where I’m next to her and smiling and she is just has the coldest look imaginable on her face. It’s such an odd picture - happy bride and this mother of the bride who looks full of disgust and coldness.

Seeing those images actually helped me clarify my relationship with her. Her lack of warmth towards me throughout my life is not my fault. There is nothing that I did that made her dislike me so much. It’s about her and her choices.

I’m sorry OP, I know how much some memories can hurt. Personally, I talked to my parents once about how hurt I was from their distain. They laughed and it was so humiliating. I ended up apologizing somehow for mentioning it. It was not a healing conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it seems like she mellowed and learned her lesson, and we're not talking about some horrific thing. It's not like she, I dunno, no-showed to your rehearsal dinner or got drunk and made a scene or screamed obscenities at you or called someone a racial slur. "Said some mean things" + 10 years ago + personal growth = why bother?

It does raise the question - why is it still bothering you? You seem to have a good context and understanding for why this happened and where it came from, and it's not ongoing, which is usually a recipe for letting it go. Why are you still hanging on emotionally? Seems worth a little soul searching on your end.

This is OP. These are good questions... so to clarify you are right, it wasn't one thing she did, it was just her overall treatment of me during my wedding planning process. Instances like taking showing up an hour late to the time I was showing her my chosen wedding dress (I dress shopped alone because she was too busy). Driving to pick up my veil and her telling me all the families she knew where the groom's side paid for half the wedding, etc. To put it visually, she was a black cloud hanging over my wedding planning times and putting her own stress above trying to make this a special time. I'm going to assume from the rest of your questions that you have a pretty good relationship with your own mother. I wouldn't say that I am hanging on emotionally but I am still hurt that an otherwise happy time for me was overshadowed by her selfishness and lack of empathy for her child. But to be honest this is par for the course, I could probably take her behavior and apply it to almost any instance in my life, it's just that getting married is so special and I wish for me that time had gone differently.

EH, what? She was an hour late and what you can give us is that she didn't make this the extra, extra, extra special time for you? And this was 15 years later.
Are you a narcissist? I do not trust a word you will write after this. Lack of empathy for her grow dd getting married. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Immature op stressed her mom out, and mom lost it a bit dealing with this snowflake.
That is all I got from this self-centered post by op, who is still like any narc(narcissist), imagining slights and being a victim.
I bet you op lost it with her mom trillion times, but even in those instances, she is a victim, as all narcs are.

[Anonymous]

OP, I share this to help you gain perspective:
my mom died 3 months before my wedding and was on hospice prior to that
I would have given anything to have her involved in my wedding planning no matter the specifics

[Anonymous]

Another vote for process it in therapy or with a journal. If you see repeat behavior, you can ask her about it, but otherwise I’d let it go.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It will keep bothering you until you have vent it to her.
If you are on good terms with her, I say, explain it nicely and respectfully to her and leave it after that. Never mention it again. Some people do change and it sounds like she changed a bit. You have to say it without emotions. When I got married years ago, I didn't feel you support me enough. Some of the things you said was very hurtful. And I remember it. So, i want to make sure that you know. That is it. Like you said, she doesn't remember. But, you do.

Don't keep mentioning it for the duration of the time she has left. Neither of you can change what happened in the past, but you can accept it, move on to a new chapter.