How do you identify the “good guy”?

[Anonymous]

I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

[Anonymous]

Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

Why are you internalizing it as a personal failure?

[Anonymous]

You didn't do anything wrong. We can't protect ourselves from every eventuality. We can only trust that we'll have the strength to deal with what comes.

If you'd married someone whom you already knew to be a cheater and an alcoholic, that would be one thing, but people can veer off of their life path at any point. You can only control you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you did marry a good guy. A good guy with failings and flaws that he maybe wants to overcome. Sounds like he isn’t a grownup but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person.

[Anonymous]

I thought I had all the answers. I would have bet my life I picked right.

Recently discovered his affair so now I have absolutely no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't do anything wrong. We can't protect ourselves from every eventuality. We can only trust that we'll have the strength to deal with what comes.

If you'd married someone whom you already knew to be a cheater and an alcoholic, that would be one thing, but people can veer off of their life path at any point. You can only control you.

People blame others that marry people that came from families of cheaters/alcoholics/divorce, even when all friends, circumstances and behavior and words all voice that taught them they never wanted to do that to their/spouse/kids. It seems even more believable.

Here's the thing people will always look to blame someone, it helps them think it can never happen to them because they are just too smart. But, that type of thinking really gets people in trouble later in life when they realize you never can truly know what someone is capable of and you certainly cannot control someone else. Life circumstances which happen after marriage affect some people differently.

[Anonymous]

You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people are good at masking their trauma, demons, and/or lying. Some don't realize they have suffered trauma until years later. It might help for you to get your own therapist to work through your feelings and if you want to stay with this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

Now try the opposite .. as quoted by George Costanza

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

Literally only the last thing you listed has anything to do with someone being a good person. And the second bolded indicates that you don't understand mental illness at all. He sounds like someone whose family valued appearances and presenting the right image, despite dysfunction. So he looked good on paper, but was perhaps under a lot of pressure to maintain appearances or realized that he didn't actually want the life he was supposed to. And you picked him based on that resume, only to find that he was a flawed person, like everyone else, and perhaps the strain of continuing to keep up appearances was too much. It's not your personal failure, and seems odd to frame it that way. There's no way to look at someone and know exactly who they'll be in a decade, or how they will react to all the things that life throws at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

[Anonymous]

OP. I just think there are a lot of temptations in this day and age. These people telling you those criteria about earning money are shallow would be telling you that you made a bad choice for some other reason if you had picked other characteristics. This is his issue alone. Not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I just think there are a lot of temptations in this day and age. These people telling you those criteria about earning money are shallow would be telling you that you made a bad choice for some other reason if you had picked other characteristics. This is his issue alone. Not yours.

His issue alone….what about for better or worst? Guess people who marry for wealth or money need to cut their loses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I just think there are a lot of temptations in this day and age. These people telling you those criteria about earning money are shallow would be telling you that you made a bad choice for some other reason if you had picked other characteristics. This is his issue alone. Not yours.

His issue alone….what about for better or worst? Guess people who marry for wealth or money need to cut their loses?

It's not like he's following the marriage vows in any way.