How do you identify the “good guy”?

[Anonymous]

How do you identify the good guy?

- transparent
- laughs easily & often
- still has a childlike sense of wonder
- is comfortable in his own skin
- has an "I'm OK, you're OK" sense of identity ; gives people the benefit of the doubt
- believes people are inherently good
- flexible, even-keeled

[Anonymous]

You thought that you can control for everything. And you can't.

[Anonymous]

Women almost universally will “friend-zone” the good guy, and go for the “bad boy.”

How is that working out for you? (as Dr. Phil would say)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you can't predict this 100%, but all the good guys I know are nerds, not frat boy types. I'm sure some of the frat boy types are great husbands, but I have yet to meet one.

And nerds who were in a frat ARE frat boy types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women almost universally will “friend-zone” the good guy, and go for the “bad boy.”

How is that working out for you? (as Dr. Phil would say)

I know so many "devoted" christian men who are cheaters. Probably the majority of men I know who are cheaters.

[Anonymous]

This is true of ALL people: know how they behave when they have everything, and know how they behave when they have nothing.

[Anonymous]

What is see is that his life was just fine before you and after being married to you his life fell apart. You have to look at the variables that change to understand the cause of the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is see is that his life was just fine before you and after being married to you his life fell apart. You have to look at the variables that change to understand the cause of the outcome.

Sounds like mom propped him up to be more than he was on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women almost universally will “friend-zone” the good guy, and go for the “bad boy.”

How is that working out for you? (as Dr. Phil would say)

I know so many "devoted" christian men who are cheaters. Probably the majority of men I know who are cheaters.

You surround yourself with bad-quality people.

Ever ask yourself why?

[Anonymous]

a good guy with mental illness, he didn't decide to have these health issues, he can't control if they appear or not.

all the things you described are a by product of his mental health. I hope after you leave him he gets the treatment he needs and his next wife appreciates the person he is, healthy or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women almost universally will “friend-zone” the good guy, and go for the “bad boy.”

How is that working out for you? (as Dr. Phil would say)

I know so many "devoted" christian men who are cheaters. Probably the majority of men I know who are cheaters.

You surround yourself with bad-quality people.

Ever ask yourself why?

I don't know a lot of cheaters and don't know these men well. I know the women well. They were naive.

[Anonymous]

I would also0 add, you picked your husband for all the wrong reasons, education isn't something that makes someone a quality person, career doesn't either, income doesn't either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a good guy with mental illness, he didn't decide to have these health issues, he can't control if they appear or not.

all the things you described are a by product of his mental health. I hope after you leave him he gets the treatment he needs and his next wife appreciates the person he is, healthy or not.

People like this don't usually get treatment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

The part in bold:

Let’s not forget this is a DC-centered forum, so the problem is aggravated by DC culture.

Nevertheless, it exists elsewhere in the US, and I believe a major cause is social media, where everyone envies the “perfect life” their online “friends” post daily.

They compare their own real lives - their actual lives and struggles - to the FaceBook can ash they see.

Then they set impossible expectations for both their mates, and themselves.

It should not come as a surprise that FaceBook use is strongly associated with depression and other mental illnesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

May be you didn't pay attention to his ability to handle adulthood, unless you met him before 25, there must he signs you ignored. May be you weren't the right match and he could've done better with a more supportive and understanding person. What's the point in crying over spilled milk?