How do you identify the “good guy”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I just think there are a lot of temptations in this day and age. These people telling you those criteria about earning money are shallow would be telling you that you made a bad choice for some other reason if you had picked other characteristics. This is his issue alone. Not yours.

His issue alone….what about for better or worst? Guess people who marry for wealth or money need to cut their loses?

It's not like he's following the marriage vows in any way.

Well that makes two!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I just think there are a lot of temptations in this day and age. These people telling you those criteria about earning money are shallow would be telling you that you made a bad choice for some other reason if you had picked other characteristics. This is his issue alone. Not yours.

His issue alone….what about for better or worst? Guess people who marry for wealth or money need to cut their loses?

It's not like he's following the marriage vows in any way.

Well that makes two!

So when he leaves her for his AP, she should stay celibate and keep loving him right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people are good at masking their trauma, demons, and/or lying. Some don't realize they have suffered trauma until years later. It might help for you to get your own therapist to work through your feelings and if you want to stay with this person.

And unfortunately some people then accrue further problems by the unhealthy ways they tried to mask or overcome their trauma. We like to think that adversity breeds resilience but in many cases it just breeds more adversity. Or sometimes both. You just don’t know which way it will go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

You picked a resume instead of a person. Honest mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that you're grieving the death of the person you thought your DH was. And maybe he actually was that person, then, and maybe that person is still there underneath whatever is going on with him.

But framing things as "what did I do wrong" is looking backward and gives you zero momentum to move forward. That is the only direction for you now. Someone else note that you should get therapy ASAP and delve into why you made the choices you made. But you also need to make new choices like whether you are divorcing, whether things are salvageable, what to do re: kids if any, finances, etc. Small steps but clear ones, OP. You tried to identify the right person for you and you may have done a perfect job at that time, so don't waste energy looking backward and asking where you went wrong--you're not the one who cheated or checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

And people who fall for that nonsense often end up miserable. The same thing with real estate/neighborhoods. People make themselves miserable to afford a house in a particular area because that is what was drummed into their heads. Same for private schools, enrichment programs, youth sports, etc. It is easy to lose your moral compass in this competitive environment.

[Anonymous]

You just don't know. People can change over the years, and the longer you've been married the more they can change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

And people who fall for that nonsense often end up miserable. The same thing with real estate/neighborhoods. People make themselves miserable to afford a house in a particular area because that is what was drummed into their heads. Same for private schools, enrichment programs, youth sports, etc. It is easy to lose your moral compass in this competitive environment.

I know many many people that married for love instead of money security and ended up miserable. Different backgrounds. Hidden addictions. Just lower standards in the family they married into. Both men and women just drifing off after realizing they couldn't handle marriage. It happens both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

It's not just DCUM. It's history. There really are no guarantees. Just be a good person yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

And people who fall for that nonsense often end up miserable. The same thing with real estate/neighborhoods. People make themselves miserable to afford a house in a particular area because that is what was drummed into their heads. Same for private schools, enrichment programs, youth sports, etc. It is easy to lose your moral compass in this competitive environment.

I know many many people that married for love instead of money security and ended up miserable. Different backgrounds. Hidden addictions. Just lower standards in the family they married into. Both men and women just drifing off after realizing they couldn't handle marriage. It happens both ways.

I'm not sure what "marry for love" means in that context. It sounds like people who were driven by different cultural propaganda: fairy tales, rom-coms, princess movies, etc. You are setting up a false choice: either Prince Charming or Gordon Gekko. I think that if you have your head on straight, then you have a better chance of finding someone who has the same views of marriage, family, commitment, etc. But you have to be willing to forego some money and some of the romantic ideals.

[Anonymous]

Life isn’t black and white. I married a guy who when we were dating was very caring and good at caretaking but who had difficulties emotionally regulating. Ten plus years on, he’s a devoted father and quite reliable, but the emotional regulation piece is tanking our marriage and very hard to live with.

I agree with the poster who said you picked based on how he looked on paper. Marriage really is the whole person — not just certain aspects of how they fill certain roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life isn’t black and white. I married a guy who when we were dating was very caring and good at caretaking but who had difficulties emotionally regulating. Ten plus years on, he’s a devoted father and quite reliable, but the emotional regulation piece is tanking our marriage and very hard to live with.

I agree with the poster who said you picked based on how he looked on paper. Marriage really is the whole person — not just certain aspects of how they fill certain roles.

People can still lie to you or change. Tons of people I know where the man had a reasonable but not exciting career and was caring, religious, held same values. Family man for a while and then ran off with some AP who tempted him. Sometimes this stuff is happening 30 plus years into the marriage. You can't say that someone somehow knew how this person would act 30 years later.

I've learned that we can only control ourselves and take responsibility for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

And people who fall for that nonsense often end up miserable. The same thing with real estate/neighborhoods. People make themselves miserable to afford a house in a particular area because that is what was drummed into their heads. Same for private schools, enrichment programs, youth sports, etc. It is easy to lose your moral compass in this competitive environment.

I know many many people that married for love instead of money security and ended up miserable. Different backgrounds. Hidden addictions. Just lower standards in the family they married into. Both men and women just drifing off after realizing they couldn't handle marriage. It happens both ways.

I'm not sure what "marry for love" means in that context. It sounds like people who were driven by different cultural propaganda: fairy tales, rom-coms, princess movies, etc. You are setting up a false choice: either Prince Charming or Gordon Gekko. I think that if you have your head on straight, then you have a better chance of finding someone who has the same views of marriage, family, commitment, etc. But you have to be willing to forego some money and some of the romantic ideals.

That's not what I meant at all. Beta males and women who are caring and responsible and loving don't always stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

And people who fall for that nonsense often end up miserable. The same thing with real estate/neighborhoods. People make themselves miserable to afford a house in a particular area because that is what was drummed into their heads. Same for private schools, enrichment programs, youth sports, etc. It is easy to lose your moral compass in this competitive environment.

I know many many people that married for love instead of money security and ended up miserable. Different backgrounds. Hidden addictions. Just lower standards in the family they married into. Both men and women just drifing off after realizing they couldn't handle marriage. It happens both ways.

I'm not sure what "marry for love" means in that context. It sounds like people who were driven by different cultural propaganda: fairy tales, rom-coms, princess movies, etc. You are setting up a false choice: either Prince Charming or Gordon Gekko. I think that if you have your head on straight, then you have a better chance of finding someone who has the same views of marriage, family, commitment, etc. But you have to be willing to forego some money and some of the romantic ideals.

That's not what I meant at all. Beta males and women who are caring and responsible and loving don't always stay that way.

And same for alpha types whom you've already mentioned. People aren't static.