How do you identify the “good guy”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

You need therapy to find out what you did wrong, in picking a partner and during the length of your partnership. If you feel you made no mistake whatsoever then you need a rational external perspective.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

And people who fall for that nonsense often end up miserable. The same thing with real estate/neighborhoods. People make themselves miserable to afford a house in a particular area because that is what was drummed into their heads. Same for private schools, enrichment programs, youth sports, etc. It is easy to lose your moral compass in this competitive environment.

I know many many people that married for love instead of money security and ended up miserable. Different backgrounds. Hidden addictions. Just lower standards in the family they married into. Both men and women just drifing off after realizing they couldn't handle marriage. It happens both ways.

I'm not sure what "marry for love" means in that context. It sounds like people who were driven by different cultural propaganda: fairy tales, rom-coms, princess movies, etc. You are setting up a false choice: either Prince Charming or Gordon Gekko. I think that if you have your head on straight, then you have a better chance of finding someone who has the same views of marriage, family, commitment, etc. But you have to be willing to forego some money and some of the romantic ideals.

That's not what I meant at all. Beta males and women who are caring and responsible and loving don't always stay that way.

And same for alpha types whom you've already mentioned. People aren't static.

People aren't static but their core values are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I picked right. He went to the right schools, lived in a nice house, parents still together even if dysfunctional. He presented himself well, clean cut and preppy. He had a decent job upon graduation from graduate school. He was kind to his parents and animals and a loyal friend.

10 years later, hes had multiple mental breakdowns as he cannot apparently handle stress of adulthood, has had drinking problems and cheated on me.

What did I do wrong?

What is your definition of a “good guy”? It seems the vast majority your requirements were about wealth and earning potential not about the quality of the man. Lot of bad people can be wealthy, clean cut, go to the right schools, have the right job, preppy, etc.

Yup, this struck me too. OP was focused on superficial things.

DP. Perhaps she was.

But thread after thread, post after post, on DCUM in recent years has yammered about how women need to snag men who have specific (high) incomes, certain college degrees, certain types of career paths, etc.

There's a definite fixation among some women with income and lifestyle, since some posters talk about staying married only to maintain their lifestyle, at least until kids are gone. I am NOT saying OP was one of those people, at all. It sounds like she definitely had more than money in mind and he put on a very good "front" for the world.

But let's not pretend that at least on DCUM, there is a huge emphasis for some people on money, educational level, homes, "providing" for the family as yardsticks for marriage material.

And people who fall for that nonsense often end up miserable. The same thing with real estate/neighborhoods. People make themselves miserable to afford a house in a particular area because that is what was drummed into their heads. Same for private schools, enrichment programs, youth sports, etc. It is easy to lose your moral compass in this competitive environment.

I know many many people that married for love instead of money security and ended up miserable. Different backgrounds. Hidden addictions. Just lower standards in the family they married into. Both men and women just drifing off after realizing they couldn't handle marriage. It happens both ways.

I'm not sure what "marry for love" means in that context. It sounds like people who were driven by different cultural propaganda: fairy tales, rom-coms, princess movies, etc. You are setting up a false choice: either Prince Charming or Gordon Gekko. I think that if you have your head on straight, then you have a better chance of finding someone who has the same views of marriage, family, commitment, etc. But you have to be willing to forego some money and some of the romantic ideals.

That's not what I meant at all. Beta males and women who are caring and responsible and loving don't always stay that way.

And same for alpha types whom you've already mentioned. People aren't static.

People aren't static but their core values are.

Again, people contradict themselves. They justify change through their core values. Or they get older and don't think right. Lots of change just happens through age.

If there was a formula we'd have figured it out by now and we wouldn't have tragedies.

OP, there are probably some things that drew you to this person in your own character that are different than your spouse and those are the things you should work on yourself and see if it makes a difference in your life and marriage.