When does mean girl behavior start?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is in kindergarten and she said a girl in her class does not want to play with her and leaves her out. She told my daughter that she is not her friend. Of course my daughter feels bad. We told her that mean people usually had others who were mean to them first. Her birthday is next month and she wants to invite everyone except the mean girl who told her that she is not her friend and doesn’t want to play with her.

[Anonymous]

My questions were:

When does mean girl behavior start?

Would you invite the mean girl to her birthday party?

I actually know the mom. I would not say we are friends but we are friendly. We sent each other Xmas cards. The mom actually reached out for a play date before Xmas break. Not sure if the girl didn’t want to do a play date with my daughter and that is why she told my daughter she is not her friend. I know the mom at least likes me somewhat.

[Anonymous]

Mean girl behavior starts in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't start in kindergarten.

Mean girl behavior, as in the bullying kind, doesn't really emerge until middle school.

There are incidents where kids are are unkind to each other in younger years but that's more just fumbling and immaturity. It's not systemic and deliberate taunting/exclusion etc.

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid I found girls began getting mean around 3rd grade. Definitely by 4th.

[Anonymous]

My DD experienced this in preschool (age 4). She was told by Girl A that she couldn't play with Girl B because Girl B was Girl A's best friend and my DD was not.

My observation is that often this behavior is learned from older siblings who are engaged in similarly competitive social dynamics.

I just always reiterate to my DD that a friend is someone who likes you and wants to spend time with you, and that if you feel bad when interacting with someone, that's a sign to find someone else to spend time with. She's gotten pretty resilient. She does play alone a lot, but also seems to be slowly making a variety of good friends (not a static group but just different friends so she has choices and can find someone to play with even if the first person she approaches rebuffs her).

It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't start in kindergarten.

Mean girl behavior, as in the bullying kind, doesn't really emerge until middle school.

There are incidents where kids are are unkind to each other in younger years but that's more just fumbling and immaturity. It's not systemic and deliberate taunting/exclusion etc.

I don't know, my older daughter experienced that in first grade from one particular girl who would also get a couple others to go along with her. It only takes one "mean" girl to start that behavior. She moved away, and it's been fine ever since. My younger daughter is now in second and hasn't experienced anything like that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't start in kindergarten.

Mean girl behavior, as in the bullying kind, doesn't really emerge until middle school.

There are incidents where kids are are unkind to each other in younger years but that's more just fumbling and immaturity. It's not systemic and deliberate taunting/exclusion etc.

This. In K, kids don't have much impulse control and lack social skills to manage interpersonal problems without being blunt.

Rather than assuming the other girl is "mean", try to work on your DD's social skills. She can learn to notice when someone wants to be left alone, to not butt in to conversations, to share and be flexible. Not saying it's your DD's fault, but they are all developing their social skills and will all benefit from support in learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't start in kindergarten.

Mean girl behavior, as in the bullying kind, doesn't really emerge until middle school.

There are incidents where kids are are unkind to each other in younger years but that's more just fumbling and immaturity. It's not systemic and deliberate taunting/exclusion etc.

Agree it's not systemic and is a mark of immaturity, but it absolutely starts before middle school. It's just that by middle school it becomes more organized and can escalate to bullying.

But you actually have to teach your kids both how not to engage in this behavior, and also how to handle it when others do, much younger. Many of these kids are trying on behaviors they see older kids (or even adults) engage in, or sometimes imitating questionable media they are consuming. So even if it's not this organized bullying you see in MS or HS, it's similar behaviors and it still has the power to really harm kids. You can't just say "oh they don't know what they are doing, they don't mean it" as though the behaviors have no impact until they are older. It's a learned behavior and this is how they learn it.

[Anonymous]

Why does everyone have to be friends w/ everyone? My kids don't have to be friends w/ everyone but they can't be rude, mean or exclusive.

But just saying they're not friends? Without other circumstances, that in and of itself isnt' mean girl behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't start in kindergarten.

Mean girl behavior, as in the bullying kind, doesn't really emerge until middle school.

There are incidents where kids are are unkind to each other in younger years but that's more just fumbling and immaturity. It's not systemic and deliberate taunting/exclusion etc.

I don't know, my older daughter experienced that in first grade from one particular girl who would also get a couple others to go along with her. It only takes one "mean" girl to start that behavior. She moved away, and it's been fine ever since. My younger daughter is now in second and hasn't experienced anything like that at all.

+1, I have absolutely seen deliberate taunting and exclusion in very young kids. That doesn't mean I think these kids are mean or irredeemable, but I also don't just brush it off as "immaturity". Kids in K and 1st will absolutely engage in harmful behaviors like this, and often teachers don't intervene (for a variety of reasons, including the fact that parents can freak out about these interventions). You have to start teaching your kid how to deal with this behavior pretty early. And the girls absolutely start before the boys. I don't understand why but I've watched it happen -- way more competition over who plays with who as early as 5 or 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't start in kindergarten.

Mean girl behavior, as in the bullying kind, doesn't really emerge until middle school.

There are incidents where kids are are unkind to each other in younger years but that's more just fumbling and immaturity. It's not systemic and deliberate taunting/exclusion etc.

This. In K, kids don't have much impulse control and lack social skills to manage interpersonal problems without being blunt.

Rather than assuming the other girl is "mean", try to work on your DD's social skills. She can learn to notice when someone wants to be left alone, to not butt in to conversations, to share and be flexible. Not saying it's your DD's fault, but they are all developing their social skills and will all benefit from support in learning.

This is what I told my daughter. I told her how she sometimes leaves people out when we have friends over. She may only play with one person and not include others. My daughter won’t go up to the other girls and say she doesn’t like them and they are not friends but she may not be playing with everyone.

I actually also have sons and have never dealt with this. They may not be as sensitive or just always just were included. The boys are in upper elementary and I guess in the popular athletic crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone have to be friends w/ everyone? My kids don't have to be friends w/ everyone but they can't be rude, mean or exclusive.

But just saying they're not friends? Without other circumstances, that in and of itself isnt' mean girl behavior.

I agree saying "We're not friends, I don't want to play with you" is not mean girl behavior. It's actually probably healthy because so often girls are taught to only be nice and not express their preferences.

But saying "You can't play with Kiley -- she's my friend" absolutely is exclusion and the beginnings of a mean girl dynamic. And that happens in K all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in kindergarten and she said a girl in her class does not want to play with her and leaves her out. She told my daughter that she is not her friend. Of course my daughter feels bad. We told her that mean people usually had others who were mean to them first. Her birthday is next month and she wants to invite everyone except the mean girl who told her that she is not her friend and doesn’t want to play with her.

Not everyone has to like your child or want to play with her. That's not mean girl behavior. What IS mean girl behavior, on the other hand, is telling a child that another child is being mean just because they don't want to play with her and excluding that one child from the entire class from a birthday party. Do you understand? You're in the wrong here, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is early mean girl stuff and we started seeing it in kindergarten (last year). Typically from girls who have older sisters.