Anyone have a mother who likes to be stabby on your Birthday?

[Anonymous]

Every year my birthday wish is that she forget it and leave me alone. I see a card, text or email arrive and I think....oh here it comes. Sometimes I save it for when I am having a glass of wine with my husband or talking with a friend who gets it so we can laugh. Here's some of mom's greatest hits...

*Send a card with a check and tell me why I don't deserve the check (does one still send a thank you note for that?) I do. I take the highroad, though sometimes I think it's funny to include "thanks for the charming note too" giggles..)

*Send a card telling me she almost forgot my birthday because I don't visit/call/text enough and she barely remembers who I am at this point.

*Send a text a few days late to say she isn't going senile. She did remember my birthday, but she debated whether she should acknowledge it because of all the reasons I am a bad girl.

*send a long email detailing why I am a disappointment.

*Occasionally I get a card with just well wishes and that actually Fs with me because I think,hmmmm is she finally getting help? Is the verbal knife coming via text? Is she being sarcastic? Is it opposite day? Is it really her or is someone playing me? Did she have a stroke? Is she drunk?

[Anonymous]

Damn, dude

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, that doesn't sound nice specially on your birthday.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is mentally ill/has a personality disorder. I'm sorry! Mine does too.

[Anonymous]

“Well, let me end the anxiety for you, Debra: you are officially off the hook. I’m such a bad person, you are correct. You are hereby free from not only contacting me on my birthday, but contacting me ever. Have a nice life.”

[Anonymous]

My mom is awful in a lot of ways but no, she doesn’t do these things. Can you ask DH to open the card and extract any check (if you want it) but he throws away the card so you don’t read it?

[Anonymous]

I understand it. I don’t answer calls or texts from mine on my birthday. If they ask to visit I now say no. It’s terrible and I can handle it but my children don’t need to hear the jabs and see the poor behavior.

I think my mother has deep rooted anxiety and issues that she never addressed. She always longed for this perfect family and ours was pretty good, but she focuses on others and what we are not. Any holiday can be rough and comes with a lecture or passive aggressive behavior. Or straight up aggressive behavior. Now that she’s in her 70s she really has no filter.

The worst was a few years ago when she came for a visit on my birthday and during cake in front of the kids started saying how I hate my birthday but need to appreciate her because her mother was dead at my age and who knows how long she will be alive. I had to calmly tell her that this was a party with the kids, I don’t hate my birthday and the only one being negative was her. She hasn’t been over for another birthday since.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who’s mother would totally do those things. I’m sorry, OP. It’s f-ed up. This is me wishing you a no-strings attached very happy birthday.

[Anonymous]

What are the positives of your relationship with your mother, OP?

If you can't think of any, have you thought about why you are still in contact with her?

[Anonymous]

Not on my birthday but my mom becomes really terrible whenever one of her children gets married or has a baby. There are reasons I've figured out for her behavior but it doesn't change how hard it is on us to have our mom become very selfish and vicious suddenly when we are experiencing something that should be celebratory and happy, and it would be nice to feel like our mom was happy for us.

It sounds like your mom has issues with a capital "I" and needs to deal with them. She probably won't (mine hasn't). But I recommend learning to detach from her behavior, as it really has very little to do with you. Take that check, cash it, and spend the money on something that makes you happy. Throw those nasty cards in the trash can. Don't answer her calls on your birthday and call her back a week later saying you got busy. Let her figure out her issues on her own and don't let her try to work them out on you.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. She sounds mentally ill. I’d open her card, shake it out to see if there’s a check, and then give myself the gift if throwing it away without reading it.

[Anonymous]

My mother would do something similar. Or tell me she was too busy and i was selfish for being hurt that she couldn't be bothered. For other siblings, she'd roll out the red carpet. It hurt.

I think it's because it isn't about THEM and they cannot handle it. The day is purely yours and they can't stand it.

You have a good attitude, OP. Let her stew in her own miserable juice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Every year my birthday wish is that she forget it and leave me alone. I see a card, text or email arrive and I think....oh here it comes. Sometimes I save it for when I am having a glass of wine with my husband or talking with a friend who gets it so we can laugh. Here's some of mom's greatest hits...

*Send a card with a check and tell me why I don't deserve the check (does one still send a thank you note for that?) I do. I take the highroad, though sometimes I think it's funny to include "thanks for the charming note too" giggles..)

*Send a card telling me she almost forgot my birthday because I don't visit/call/text enough and she barely remembers who I am at t
his point.

*Send a text a few days late to say she isn't going senile. She did remember my birthday, but she debated whether she should acknowledge it because of all the reasons I am a bad girl.

*send a long email detailing why I am a disappointment.

*Occasionally I get a card with just well wishes and that actually Fs with me because I think,hmmmm is she finally getting help? Is the verbal knife coming via text? Is she being sarcastic? Is it opposite day? Is it really her or is someone playing me? Did she have a stroke? Is she drunk?

How to respond to all four scenarios:
If you receive a check you "don't deserve" tear it up. If she inquires why it was never cashed tell her you're unable in good conscience to accept something you really don't deserve. Then end the conversation.

This also applies to the other examples. Let her know nothing is going to change. Does she think you're a child who's going to care about all these criticisms?

Do not contact her or respond to emails etc. If she persists just say you don't want to make a liar out of her by behaving in any other way.

[Anonymous]

Oh gawd, the Cut Them Off! contingent is out in full force today.

OP, ignore these drama queens who don't want your best interest any more than your mom appears to want it on your birthday. Surely you can handle your problems in direct conversation with your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh gawd, the Cut Them Off! contingent is out in full force today.

OP, ignore these drama queens who don't want your best interest any more than your mom appears to want it on your birthday. Surely you can handle your problems in direct conversation with your mother.

I think most people are assuming that OP has already tried addressing this with her mother. The kind of mental illness OP is describing doesn't pop up overnight. Why would you assume she hasn't? You openly admit that her mother doesn't have her best interests. What kind of mother doesn't have her child's best interests, especially on her birthday? Doesn't that seem sick to you? Do you really think people with mentally ill family members need to be told to "try to have a direct conversation"?